"But 20% of people decline!"

sarahufl

My FMIL, who I generally like, has been grinding my gears lately. Both she and my mother are full supporters of the "over-invite because people won't come" and have chosen to invite everyone on the planet to our wedding. While I understand the potential hazards with this, we actually do have space for everyone, we just don't want them there. It may be close quarters if they all come. That said, I already know of enough people who won't be able to make it that I am comfortable with our numbers.

Recently her cousin (who was invited) called to say cousin's daughter (who is in her 30s and was not invited) is "so excited about the wedding". We never, ever see this person and FI told his mom to tell cousin that daughter is not invited. But then FMIL invokes the 20% rule and says that "well, people won't come- so can't we just invite her since we know others will decline?"

We had to explain it to her that if you replace every "no" with a "yes", you end up with too many people.

Didn't seem to get it. Sigh.

HisGirlFriday13

And also, maybe you didn't invite those people for a reason --like you don't want them there?

Good for you for knowing you should plan on 100%!

melbelleup

I hear you. My parents think the same way too. My brother invites 350 people and only 215 showed. They think that because I'm inviting 274, I'll at most would have 200 guests. Sadly, you can't plan that way. Gotta buy the stuff for centerpieces for all of the tables, regardless of how much really show up. Just say that you're out of room for the venue, so no more invites.

zitiqueen

sarahufl said:

My FMIL, who I generally like, has been grinding my gears lately. Both she and my mother are full supporters of the "over-invite because people won't come" and have chosen to invite everyone on the planet to our wedding. While I understand the potential hazards with this, we actually do have space for everyone, we just don't want them there. It may be close quarters if they all come. That said, I already know of enough people who won't be able to make it that I am comfortable with our numbers.

Recently her cousin (who was invited) called to say cousin's daughter (who is in her 30s and was not invited) is "so excited about the wedding". We never, ever see this person and FI told his mom to tell cousin that daughter is not invited. But then FMIL invokes the 20% rule and says that "well, people won't come- so can't we just invite her since we know others will decline?"

We had to explain it to her that if you replace every "no" with a "yes", you end up with too many people.

Didn't seem to get it. Sigh.

Does this mean your parents are footing the bill for your wedding?

sarahufl

sarahufl said:

My FMIL, who I generally like, has been grinding my gears lately. Both she and my mother are full supporters of the "over-invite because people won't come" and have chosen to invite everyone on the planet to our wedding. While I understand the potential hazards with this, we actually do have space for everyone, we just don't want them there. It may be close quarters if they all come. That said, I already know of enough people who won't be able to make it that I am comfortable with our numbers.

Recently her cousin (who was invited) called to say cousin's daughter (who is in her 30s and was not invited) is "so excited about the wedding". We never, ever see this person and FI told his mom to tell cousin that daughter is not invited. But then FMIL invokes the 20% rule and says that "well, people won't come- so can't we just invite her since we know others will decline?"

We had to explain it to her that if you replace every "no" with a "yes", you end up with too many people.

Didn't seem to get it. Sigh.

Does this mean your parents are footing the bill for your wedding?

My parents are paying for most of it. They gave us a chunk of money, we will contribute some. FI's parents are paying for the RD but not for the wedding itself.

JCbride2015

Good for you standing up for them.  Are both sets of parents paying?  If not, even more reason to put your foot down.

sarahufl

JCBride2014 said:

Good for you standing up for them.  Are both sets of parents paying?  If not, even more reason to put your foot down.

My parents are paying for most of it. But I even had to stop them at some point. They literally wanted to invite everyone they know. I had to tell my mom- "look, I get it, you want to see these people but there are literally PHYSICAL limits to how many people can actually be here." My mom loves to host and hates to leave people out, which I understand. But thankfully they were super understanding and realized that, even though they are footing most of the bill, it is a joint event and we should all be able to invite the important people. Their random co-workers or people they haven't seen in 10 years (thankfully) didn't make the cut.

Senecaf

My FMIL has a similar mindset about declines. She wants to B list as well and is driving me nuts. She acts like it is so obvious and I must be stupid for not doing it.

Good for you for ignoring yours.

sarahufl

also, @jcbride2014- how wet and gross is this snow right now?!

JCbride2015

I can't stand it!!  Is school awful right now?  I'm still in Jersey but I have a class today at 4:20.  I keep watching my email hoping class gets canceled.

ETA my apartment courtyard in JC has easily 5 inches from just this morning.  It's beautiful, though.

zitiqueen

sarahufl said:

My FMIL, who I generally like, has been grinding my gears lately. Both she and my mother are full supporters of the "over-invite because people won't come" and have chosen to invite everyone on the planet to our wedding. While I understand the potential hazards with this, we actually do have space for everyone, we just don't want them there. It may be close quarters if they all come. That said, I already know of enough people who won't be able to make it that I am comfortable with our numbers.

Recently her cousin (who was invited) called to say cousin's daughter (who is in her 30s and was not invited) is "so excited about the wedding". We never, ever see this person and FI told his mom to tell cousin that daughter is not invited. But then FMIL invokes the 20% rule and says that "well, people won't come- so can't we just invite her since we know others will decline?"

We had to explain it to her that if you replace every "no" with a "yes", you end up with too many people.

Didn't seem to get it. Sigh.

Does this mean your parents are footing the bill for your wedding?

My parents are paying for most of it. They gave us a chunk of money, we will contribute some. FI's parents are paying for the RD but not for the wedding itself.

So you haven't sent out invitations yet? Then you need to give each set of parents X amount of invites and tell them that's all they get. If it gets ugly, you may need to decline their money and pay for your wedding yourselves.

sarahufl

JCBride2014 said:

I can't stand it!!  Is school awful right now?  I'm still in Jersey but I have a class today at 4:20.  I keep watching my email hoping class gets canceled.

ETA my apartment courtyard in JC has easily 5 inches from just this morning.  It's beautiful, though.

crossing campus was iffy this AM. I think the snow started earlier than was anticipated so nothing was cleared or shoveled. The courtyard btwn our buildings is covered in snow with just a little walkway around it- not even formally cleared, just by people walking.

It is beautiful, just wet! And I wore sneakers today instead of boots thinking it wouldn't be this bad.... not smart!

sarahufl

zitiqueen said:

sarahufl said:

My FMIL, who I generally like, has been grinding my gears lately. Both she and my mother are full supporters of the "over-invite because people won't come" and have chosen to invite everyone on the planet to our wedding. While I understand the potential hazards with this, we actually do have space for everyone, we just don't want them there. It may be close quarters if they all come. That said, I already know of enough people who won't be able to make it that I am comfortable with our numbers.

Recently her cousin (who was invited) called to say cousin's daughter (who is in her 30s and was not invited) is "so excited about the wedding". We never, ever see this person and FI told his mom to tell cousin that daughter is not invited. But then FMIL invokes the 20% rule and says that "well, people won't come- so can't we just invite her since we know others will decline?"

We had to explain it to her that if you replace every "no" with a "yes", you end up with too many people.

Didn't seem to get it. Sigh.

Does this mean your parents are footing the bill for your wedding?

My parents are paying for most of it. They gave us a chunk of money, we will contribute some. FI's parents are paying for the RD but not for the wedding itself.

So you haven't sent out invitations yet? Then you need to give each set of parents X amount of invites and tell them that's all they get. If it gets ugly, you may need to decline their money and pay for your wedding yourselves.

STDs went out. It won't get ugly, it is all very civil. We settled on our lists awhile ago. They don't want to hurt feelings but understand the limitations.

jenna8984

@sarahufl It's funny that our parents are polar opposites! My father is paying for all the food/ drinks and FI & I are paying for everything else ourselves. (Literally everything else). So he's all about not inviting people because it will be cheaper for him. I said I don't really care for my aunts/ uncles and he was like "sweet, they're out!" He literally hasn't added anyone. Which is perfect for us, we really wanted intimate (50 guests). I come from a small family and could never imagine a 300 person wedding!

lizandmark2014

My cusin only had 2 declines for her 150 person / guest wedding. Good for you for planning on 100%