to ask or not to ask

JaniV123

so my cousin is getting married on June 14 and all the family members got a STD email last night. I am conflicted on whether or not to ask her if FI is invited or wait until the invite arrives in April. 

help?

Maggie0829

Wait until the invite arrives in April.  STDs are usually informal and not everyone who is invited is actually listed on the invite, especially when they are electronic STDs.

AprilH81

Wait...  Save the date are more casual and when I sent out email STDs I only sent it to one of the couple unless I happened to know both addresses.

grumbledore

I'd wait.

sarahufl

I say wait, UNLESS- there are extensive arrangements that need to be made in order for him to go.

AddieCake

Wait.

csuave

Agree with @sarahuflabout waiting and I'll add that if air travel arrangements need to be made that could be another reason for you to ask ahead of the invitation.

 

JaniV123

@csuave we would need to make travel arrangements, air and hotel. Plane tickets atm are about 420 round trip + 89 per night for hotel.

Sugargirl1019

JaniV123 said:

@csuave we would need to make travel arrangements, air and hotel. Plane tickets atm are about 420 round trip + 89 per night for hotel.

Maybe get a feel by talking casually for the wedding, and see if she makes any statements with "you both.." in it. Id wait to officially ask closer to about 2-3 months if you havent gotten an idea yet.

csuave

Air travel makes it tricky.  I think you should use your best judgment based on your relationship with your cousin and how much planning you need to make for travel.  The long post that follows is my story in this situation.

I live in Pittsburgh.  A couple of years ago my good friend that lives in Phoenix emailed me and said guess what, I am engaged!  yada, yada, yada...we will be having a small ceremony and reception on Oct xx and we want to give you this advance notice so you can determine if you can make it.  Invitations will follow closer to the wedding date. 

My first thought was yay!  Second though was how did you just get engaged and you have everything planned out already (they planned it all in advance and knew the proposal would follow but it was up to him to decide exactly when and where).  Third thought was is BF (now DH) invited?

I emailed back with an excited message filled with congrats and lots of !!!  Then I said something like, I would love to come and hope I can make it work.  I will start looking at arrangements and maybe make a little vacation out of it.  Do you know if BF will be invited?  Either way is fine with me and I understand you are keeping this small so no worries if he isn't. 

She replied back, of course BF is invited.  We hope you both can make it.

BF and I then made our plans including researching going to the Grand Canyon and planning around frequent flier miles and hotel points.  Flights from Pittsburgh to Phoenix on miles needed advance planning so I am glad I asked and that we got everything squared away months in advance.  If it was New York, I might not have asked right out about BF since those flights are really easy to get and NY trips easy to plan. 

Was my asking etiquette correct?  I don't know.  But I know my friend and I know she was not at all offended that I asked for the clarification.  She was extremely happy to have us attend her wedding and that we made the trip...and that was possible because we had the time to plan.

PS After the wedding we went to the Grand Canyon and BF became FI there!  He had his own planning to do for that trip

FiancB

I would go ahead and ask since you have significant travel arrangements to make  and it's pretty soon. I had people immediately ask us if they could bring their kids and I didn't mind at all. They'll understand. I would hope so, anyway, since he's your FI.

EverAfer

I would have a casual conversation that will lead to whether he's invited or not. 

Since you're traveling, you need to be able to budget money and time away from work if it's necessary.  Also, I like to stalk flights so I can get the best deal, and it helps to know and book in advance.

AuroraRose41

I was put into a similar situation recently, with 2 upcoming weddings.  The first one that I received an STD for was also my cousin, and we aren't extremely close (only saw each other once a year while growing up, but we do get along well when we see each other), but she knows that I live with my BF and that we both live on the other coast now.  I sent her a private message on Facebook asking if BF was also invited, as I wanted to make travel arrangements early, and I stressed that I would not be upset if he wasn't, but needed to know for logistics. And then I had to do the same thing with one of my best friends from high school when he told me the date of his wedding.  Fortunately, my BF is invited to both (YAY!).

erinlin25

since major travel plans need to be made I think it is fine to ask.  Better to not assume and make arrangements that would have to get cancelled.

JaniV123

So thanks ladies!! I was going through a fb picture of our engagement and she actually commented she hoped both of us would be able to attend, so problem solved without having to ask! thanks ladies