Small wedding - lots of univited guests

ShellD13

Hi - My FI and I are trying to keep our wedding under $5k we also know that having the "big" wedding isn't our style [his second, my first but I'm almost 40].  FI's family is very small, mine is very large [7 siblings, not to mention my dad is one of 13 so lots of aunts/uncles and first cousins], and our circle of friends is large as well.  If we were to plan a "typical" wedding there would probably be over 300 people there of which 120 would be my family.  As a further complication, our family and friends are scattered all over the US.

We have opted to have a very small wedding only parents and my FI's children (not even siblings).  But now friends and family are starting to ask questions about if they are invited to the wedding.  Part of me feels terrible because they are terrific friends but I also know that as soon as we open that door the guest list would get out of control quickly.  I don't know how to politely tell them that while they are a very cherished part of our life our wedding will only be attended by our parents & kids.

Also my parents would like to have an open house at their home probably a month or two after the wedding for my siblings and the family members that live close to their home to come and celebrate with us - informal, casual, no gifts etc (NOT A PPD) - just an opportunity to see the extended family and introduce them to my Husband and Stepkids (my siblings have all met my FI but I haven't taken him on the full family introduction circuit) - but not sure how to word invitations to that so that people know we don't expect any gifts.  Also since these folks aren't being invited to the wedding would it be appropriate to have the wedding photos there or would that we "rubbing salt in the wound" that they weren't invited to the wedding?

The wording my parents and I are working on is something along the lines of "Parents of ShellD wanted to share the happy news that Shell and FI were married in a private ceremony at Venue on Date.  We'd like to invite you to an open house at our home on Date 2 to celebrate their new beginning as Mr. & Mrs.

Any ideas on how to handle these situations would be greatly appreciated.

OliveOilsMom

ShellD13 said:

Hi - My FI and I are trying to keep our wedding under $5k we also know that having the "big" wedding isn't our style [his second, my first but I'm almost 40].  FI's family is very small, mine is very large [7 siblings, not to mention my dad is one of 13 so lots of aunts/uncles and first cousins], and our circle of friends is large as well.  If we were to plan a "typical" wedding there would probably be over 300 people there of which 120 would be my family.  As a further complication, our family and friends are scattered all over the US.

We have opted to have a very small wedding only parents and my FI's children (not even siblings).  But now friends and family are starting to ask questions about if they are invited to the wedding.  Part of me feels terrible because they are terrific friends but I also know that as soon as we open that door the guest list would get out of control quickly.  I don't know how to politely tell them that while they are a very cherished part of our life our wedding will only be attended by our parents & kids.

Also my parents would like to have an open house at their home probably a month or two after the wedding for my siblings and the family members that live close to their home to come and celebrate with us - informal, casual, no gifts etc (NOT A PPD) - just an opportunity to see the extended family and introduce them to my Husband and Stepkids (my siblings have all met my FI but I haven't taken him on the full family introduction circuit) - but not sure how to word invitations to that so that people know we don't expect any gifts.  Also since these folks aren't being invited to the wedding would it be appropriate to have the wedding photos there or would that we "rubbing salt in the wound" that they weren't invited to the wedding?

The wording my parents and I are working on is something along the lines of "Parents of ShellD wanted to share the happy news that Shell and FI were married in a private ceremony at Venue on Date.  We'd like to invite you to an open house at our home on Date 2 to celebrate their new beginning as Mr. & Mrs.

Any ideas on how to handle these situations would be greatly appreciated.

To answer anyone who inquires about your wedding, just say that you are having a very private ceremony with just parents and stepkids.  No need to explain further, other than "this is what we wanted."

As to the 2nd part, if you sent an invite like that, I would feel inclined to bring a gift.  Can your parents just throw a random BBQ, keep the two of you out of it?  You two would attend with the stepkids and have a few pictures on you to share with anyone who asks, but otherwise it would just be any other family BBQ.

Then, the day after you are married, you would send wedding announcements to everyone. 

Bride
&
Groom

are pleased to announce their marriage on

Date
City, State

HisGirlFriday13

When people ask about the wedding, you say, 'We've decided to have a small wedding. It just wasn't possibly to invite everyone we would have liked.' Then change the subject.

As far as a reception, if your parents want to host something in your honour, that's fine. The wording would be:

Mr. and Mrs. Bride's Parents

request the pleasure of your company 

at a reception on time/date/place

to celebrate the recent marriage of their daughter, 

Bride's name

to 

Groom's name

Which took place on date/place.

You and your FI should send out wedding announcements of your own, which just say,

'Bride and Groom are pleased to announced that they were married on date/place.'

Don't say anything about a private or small or whatever size wedding you had. Don't tell people in the announcement why they weren't invited (i.e., small). Just tell them you got married, and when, and have done with it. 

cowgirl8238

Ditto both the PP's!

ShellD13

Thank you all - I like the idea of my parents having a random party without the specific info on our wedding.  I feel like people would be more at ease and less likely to feel obligated to bring a gift.

Inkdancer

Since you got great advice from PPs, I will just say this: don't let anybody give you crap about having a small wedding. It is a perfectly valid decision for any number of reasons. Some people might not like it but that is okay, and you don't have to have a big wedding to make anyone happy.

lc07

I agree with @OliveOilsMom. Keep the Open House an open house. You and your husband and the kids will attend and you will be able to meet everyone then, presumably. No need to make it about your wedding. 

I think you were smart to limit the guest list to just parents and your fiance's children. That's a very clear line being drawn.

JennyColada

I am having a small wedding too (immediate family only)!

Fi and I are contemplating hosting a BBQ for our friends after we get married (just as an excuse to see everyone really).

kitsunegari89

I've had plenty of uninvited people RSVPing to my wedding. I don't know what to do about it, either, so I'm letting my mom handle it. She's better at letting people down than I am.