Writing your own vows - What's appropriate?

Inkdancer

So FI and I met in a poetry class, and we both love to write (mystery/ horror for him, poetry/ fantasy stories for me) so we decided we want to write our own vows.

After a friend's wedding last summer in which they rhymed like Dr Seuss and referenced chores including cleaning the cat box (I kid you not) I am nervous about going overboard into gross/shmoopy/inappropriate territory.

So what's your advice for writing your own vows that are meaningful and don't horrify your guests?

grumbledore

Truthfully, I think the traditional vows, when said like the couple means them, are very meaningful.  I'm not really a fan of personalized vows.  In your case, since you like to write, it at least makes sense.

But what is really more meaningful than...

in sickness, and in health

for richer, for poorer

to love, and to cherish

for as long as we both shall live

That is some seriously heavy shit.

photokitty

Don't ask me…it turned out I didn't really write vows. BUT, It didn't occur to me until I heard DH say his vows first that I botched it and just written a monologue. Too late to change them at that point. And his vows included the word - LOVER - his grandma was sitting 3 feet from me, ewwwwww! So I'm pretty sure we screwed them up royally :-p We also said the traditional ones too - whew!

Sars06

grumbledore said:

Truthfully, I think the traditional vows, when said like the couple means them, are very meaningful.  I'm not really a fan of personalized vows.  In your case, since you like to write, it at least makes sense.

But what is really more meaningful than...

in sickness, and in health

for richer, for poorer

to love, and to cherish

for as long as we both shall live

That is some seriously heavy shit.

I completely agree. I have never heard personalized vows that are as meaningful as traditional vows.

That's not to say you can't do it! I just think it's a tall order. 

What I don't like about too many personalized vows is that they focus so much on how the person feels in that moment, which is sweet but it doesn't really encompass what it means to commit your life to another person. Obviously everyone feels adoring and in love on their wedding day - but being in a marriage means loving your spouse even when you don't feel adoring and in love. 

Also, they are always too long!

daria24

I have to disagree with @grumbledore. We wrote our own vows, and they were way more meaningful to both of us than just repeating what someone else had written for us. There are a lot of things I don't like in the traditional vows, for example, both H and I did not like the language of "I take you to be my wife/husband." We both preferred "I give myself to you, to be your wife/husband. 

The key is to think about the PROMISES you are making to one another. Too often people just talk about how much they love the other person, or tell stories. 

Also stick to plain language, this isn't a creative writing experiment, they should be in your own words, not what you think sounds impressive.

And finally, be brief. They should take about a minute, or less. There was a girl on our month board that seriously had vows that were more than 5 minutes long. No one wants to listen to you say the same thing over and over again. 

Inkdancer

Sars06 said:

grumbledore said:

Truthfully, I think the traditional vows, when said like the couple means them, are very meaningful.  I'm not really a fan of personalized vows.  In your case, since you like to write, it at least makes sense.

But what is really more meaningful than...

in sickness, and in health

for richer, for poorer

to love, and to cherish

for as long as we both shall live

That is some seriously heavy shit.

I completely agree. I have never heard personalized vows that are as meaningful as traditional vows.

That's not to say you can't do it! I just think it's a tall order. 

What I don't like about too many personalized vows is that they focus so much on how the person feels in that moment, which is sweet but it doesn't really encompass what it means to commit your life to another person. Obviously everyone feels adoring and in love on their wedding day - but being in a marriage means loving your spouse even when you don't feel adoring and in love. 

Also, they are always too long!

I definitely agree that focusing on the moment is the wrong way to go. The promises and commitment forever are way more important. I may be crazy in love today but tomorrow when he's infuriating me with leaving towels all over the house and working half the night, we'll still be married and committed and have to work it out.

artbyallie

We wrote sonnets to put a definitively short length on ours. Being limited to fourteen lines does a lot to force one to be concise. And do remember that they are vows, i.e. promises. Obviously don't talk about doing chores, or anything silly, as it's a solemn occasion, but don't write a love letter either. The classic vows are the perfect example of the message you should be conveying: faithfulness no matter what trials come your way.

theartistformerlyknownas

I can see both sides. I think we're going to do both... a simple, <30-seconds worth of promises in our own words, and the traditional "love, honor and cherish" after.

IDK how I feel about poems as vows, but what about writing a poem to use as your reading?? Could be an awesome way of sharing the thing that first brought you together without having to make it too vow-y or adding a bunch of length to the ceremony (assuming there will be some kind of reading anyway)... plus you won't have to choke the words out yourself.

winelover123

I disagree with @grumbledore as well. H and I wrote our own vows and they were beautiful. I put them in our wedding album, and I love reading them every now and again. Remember the vows are just that - vows. It's not a monologue, but a promise. Keep it short as well. I think both H and my vows were half a minute each. 

H's vows were honestly beautiful - he always speaks very eloquently. I'm not quite as eloquent, so I drank some wine to get the words started, looked at them again the next day and tweaked them. 

Jen4948

Personalized vows can be very beautiful or not very beautiful, depending on what you are saying to each other.

I would say, keep them short (they shouldn't be any longer than the traditional vows), make real promises to each other, and don't use them to rehash the history of your relationship or how much you love each other, because that comes off as AWish.  I'd also avoid anything too intimate, and it's probably best to set limits on any humor in them, especially if it's "insider" humor that only the two of you, or a very small number of your guests, will understand.

But if you're having a religious ceremony, you should run them by your officiant to make sure that what you promise each other is consistent with the requirements of the religion, and you'll also need to make sure that they satisfy the legal requirements of the jurisdiction you're getting married in.