Wedding Woes

Dress Shopping with Little Sis...

As I'm sure a lot of you who posted comments/advice to my last post "awkward bridal show," my younger sister is also getting married, about 7-8 months before my FI and I plan on getting hitched. Going back to that very same show, that was earlier this month, the conversation was short and VERY awkward. I hadn't spoken to my mom or my sister since the show. Fast forward to last night, my phone buzzes with a text from my sister asking me if I have been to look at dresses yet....Okkkk, so I told her I went back in January, but haven't had time to do so since then with classes/clinicals/etc. She replies with "Oh, mom took me to the place in town, you know the little one at the four corners." All I said was, "yeah that's where I went too, they are so nice in there." She then procedes to tell me how her experience was at the shop, how helpful all the consultants were, blah blah blah. She then asked me if I had a dress in mind from there that I thought might be "the one".... WTF?? My last name is pretty rare, as in, the only people I know with the same last name are all closely related to me...the only thing I could think was that, innocently enough, when the consultant took down the info for my sister and the dresses she liked, she recognized the name and mentioned that she had helped me before. I didn't pry why she would ask, I just told her I had seen a few I liked but wasn't sure exactly what I wanted... and asked if she had any pics to share of her dresses (bc in the back of my mind I was thinking, OK great, she's going to have on the SAME DRESS)....the 2 pics she sent were not of the same dress I liked, which was a relief. Here's where my mind is spinning a bit..... through the conversation (via text still) she kept asking me when I could come dress shopping with her, would I be able to take her to this shop, that shop, etc. Finally, I caved and said that my spring break is coming up and that I could probably go with her that Saturday bc I don't have clinical. I asked if it was going to be a "family outting" or just a "sister's" day, since I'm her MOH, I thought maybe she was looking for some quality time. Her response was "you know if mom finds out, she'll want to come..." Hmm..... not sure what that means.... so I asked her if she wanted it to be just the two of us, I would come pick her up and we would make a day of it, it's her choice. She replied "as long as you can come, I don't care who else is there." Again...not quite sure what this means. I put a smiley in my text and said "aww" thinking she was just being a little sister....and no more texts. I'm not sure what to make of all this, I know my own relationship with our mom, but I can't tell if my sister is making a cry for help bc mom is being momzilla, or if she is just pestering me to stop being so "selfish" getting my education and not making time for her....(remember, I was never invited to the bridal show, nor to this outting for dress shopping). Thoughts?

Re: Dress Shopping with Little Sis...

  • 6fsn said:
    This is your sister.  You are her MOH.  Pick up the phone and use real words to talk to her.
    Agreed.

    Is she wanting you to look at wedding dresses for her?  Picking out wedding dresses together?  Looking at bridesmaid dresses?

    Why are you so suspicious that she's going to pick the same dress as you?  I sort of remember the previous post about the bridal show, but I thought the issue was between you and your mom, and not so much your sister.

  • Mom interferes in just about everything, and little sister still lives with her. Phone conversations typically end in my sister taking my mom's side about how I am always "so busy" and only call every once in awhile, and rarely stop over. I'm over trying to explain for the 10 millionth time that I do have my own life, I am trying to go through school while I'm working, which between the two, away from home time totals somewhere around 60 hrs plus the homework, clinical paperwork and study time when I am home, on Sundays. Sundays are my run errands, stock up the fridge, clean my apt, catch up on laudry/hw/study days. I resort to texting most of the time bc it's a lot easier to breathe for a second when I get a comment about "you're SOOO busy, what DO you do?" when I'm not tempted to shoot back a snotty comment of my own about how my mom works part time, my sister does not work and doesn't go to school. I feel for my sister, and I would love to take her to look at dresses, (it would be her looking, me trying on bridesmaids) and I've tried numerous times to build a good relationship with her....unfortunately, it's hard when mom and sis are practically joined at the hip if mom isn't at work. I would pick up the phone if it were that easy.

    *mini rant, sorry*

    About the picking the same dress.... my mom has this thing about comparing the two of us. Which doesn't typically bother me...what bothers me is when I asked my mom to go prom dress shopping with me, way back when, the comments were "you don't have the right shape for that. the color is all wrong for you. your sister would look much better in that dress." Ok, a little criticism, that's cool... not a single dress I put on in any store made my mom smile when we were prom shopping. Other women who were using the fitting rooms were commenting how nice I looked (in some dresses) while my mom continued to find everything wrong. So it's just something I expect for my mom to have my sister try on the exact same wedding dress, just to "show me" how much better she looks than me...which my sister then goes along with by saying things like "you're too bottom heavy for something like this, see how I have....."

    Probably a little more than you were looking for in an explanation, but it's relavent ...

  • When it comes to your mom, stick with the advice you were given before.  Don't talk wedding stuff with her.  She obviously gets to you (and knows that she can), so don't even give her the opportunity.

    If your mom is coming dress shopping with you and your sister, just be there for your sister.  You don't have to try anything on in front of your mom if you don't want to.

    And when she bullies you to do it, because you know she will, simply tell her you are there to support your sister and that is all.

  • It's okay to just stay mum and tell your sister and mom that the dress will be a surprise to them on the day of.  And please, please tell them to fuck off if they start criticizing your body, like, ever again.
    image
    AuntFlo
  • I would find a different salon than the one your sister is planning on using, and I would tell the shop owners that under no circumstances are they to talk about your dress with anyone else.

    Also, I would pick up the phone and call your damn sister and figure it out. 

    Alsoalso, if your mother wants to tag along with your sister and you on Saturday, you're probably stuck with that. You may not like how close your mother and sister are, but clearly they do, so I think you need to view them as a package deal.

    I remember your initial post. I don't think you're going to be able to distance yourself from your mother as much as you would like while you're your sister's MOH.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • To be completely blunt, I couldn't give two sh*ts less what they do together. It's just unfortunate that I have to do this MOH BS to play nice with the family. Before either of us was engaged, I hadn't spoken with any of my family except on the bday/holiday "mandatory" phone call. I saw them at my grad 2 years ago and put that behind me. I make a point to distance myself as much as I can to avoid this (whole convo here and previous post) at all costs. I'm trying to "suck it up" as much as I can, and am venting on here bc unbiased comments are better than continually going to my FI or FMIL. I understand where each comment is coming from, it's difficult to express in text that I'm not "whining" over my absent relationship with my mother, IDGAF.... I'm simply venting/reflecting on the notion that I keep getting reeled back in to the circle of BS. I don't plan on trying on any type of dress except the BM dress my sister has chosen for us to wear. I'm at least that smart. I guess a little bit of the "whineyness" comes from the fact that I do wish that I could have a relationship with my sister that would allow us to bond over these happy times. I am perfectly content to discuss only her wedding. I am a fool to keep thinking the relationship(s) could ever change. As far as the don't go to the same shop, I can't stop her from going to whichever shop she wants, and I won't change the place I'm looking to appease them. I don't think the consultant would have revealed anything about my (prospective) dress, I'm just a cynical person and think the worst when it comes to my sister/mother. I appreciate the advice, and truthfully look forward for this whole ordeal to be over with. If I could do it without starting WWIII, I'd tell them I don't want anything to do with being in the wedding, I'll attend and that's it. But that's an entirely different part of the extended family who would be after me then...so playing nice it is..and venting on here will probably continue....
  • To be completely blunt, I couldn't give two sh*ts less what they do together. It's just unfortunate that I have to do this MOH BS to play nice with the family. Before either of us was engaged, I hadn't spoken with any of my family except on the bday/holiday "mandatory" phone call. I saw them at my grad 2 years ago and put that behind me. I make a point to distance myself as much as I can to avoid this (whole convo here and previous post) at all costs. I'm trying to "suck it up" as much as I can, and am venting on here bc unbiased comments are better than continually going to my FI or FMIL. I understand where each comment is coming from, it's difficult to express in text that I'm not "whining" over my absent relationship with my mother, IDGAF.... I'm simply venting/reflecting on the notion that I keep getting reeled back in to the circle of BS. I don't plan on trying on any type of dress except the BM dress my sister has chosen for us to wear. I'm at least that smart. I guess a little bit of the "whineyness" comes from the fact that I do wish that I could have a relationship with my sister that would allow us to bond over these happy times. I am perfectly content to discuss only her wedding. I am a fool to keep thinking the relationship(s) could ever change. As far as the don't go to the same shop, I can't stop her from going to whichever shop she wants, and I won't change the place I'm looking to appease them. I don't think the consultant would have revealed anything about my (prospective) dress, I'm just a cynical person and think the worst when it comes to my sister/mother. I appreciate the advice, and truthfully look forward for this whole ordeal to be over with. If I could do it without starting WWIII, I'd tell them I don't want anything to do with being in the wedding, I'll attend and that's it. But that's an entirely different part of the extended family who would be after me then...so playing nice it is..and venting on here will probably continue....
    Your statements are inconsistent. No one is holding a gun to your head and FORCING you to be your sister's MOH.

    If you want to distance yourself from your toxic family, then by all means do it. 

    But you clearly can't have a relationship with your sister without having your mother involved, so you have to choose -- have a relationship with your sister and deal with your mother, or have a relationship with neither.

    And why does your extended family have any say in what you do for your sister's wedding?
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • The "family" is a 100% Catholic, married in a church or you're going to hell, family comes before everything even if you find out you're married to an ax murderer type. I'm the black sheep bc I'm 29, finishing my education, no kids yet, and have no interest in being married in a church. I'm marrying a non-Catholic which is a NO-NO, and even through the BS with my parents I'm still the one to blame for everything. Not saying there isn't fault on both sides, but when I've made attempts to "right the wrongs" or "deal with it" it always blows up in my face. It's a lot of "well YOU need to do, THEY are your family" not "WE need to, let's do TOGETHER", great "family" ... I'm pretty much a big POS bc i haven't done things the way a "good little Catholic girl should". Short of moving and never telling where I moved to, it is like having a gun held to my head to do anything bc my mom is the drop by unannounced and then be pissed off and call 1000 times if I'm not home, or if I have to cut the visit short bc I have things to get done type. Obviously no amount of explanation will suffice for why I felt the need to post anything, so comment away...I'm appreciative of constructive criticism. Again, if it were as easy as a phone call or cutting ties, it would have already been done and fixed.

  • I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm really not, but every time you post, I see HUGE red flags in your family.

    WHY isn't it as simple as cutting ties? I mean that honestly -- why can't you? These people sound toxic and horrible and like no one you would EVER want in your life, so you'd honestly be better off just cutting them out entirely and saying, 'Screw you all.'

    So your mom drops by unannounced, then calls 1,000 times if you're not home. Don't answer the phone. Don't engage with her. Don't give her an explanation.

    If she drops by and it's not a good time for you, just say, 'Mom, now's not a good time. I wish you would have called first. I'm sorry, but now's not a good time, and I can't visit with you, good-bye.'

    If your family are entirely judgemental assholes, and it sounds like they are, cut them out of your life. Don't give the time of day to people who don't give you basic common courtesy.

    Family is an accidental relationship of DNA. That genetic likeness is not a licence to let people treat you badly and get away with it.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I guess part of me is still trying (although I have no idea why) to be the family oriented "good girl"....I mean, these are some pretty life-changing events, that are supposed to bring families together.  I've seriously considered, and have even talked about not having any of my own family at our wedding with my FI. He's supportive of whatever decisison I make. I don't want the drama on our day, and I guess I'm participating for my sister's sake to not create any drama on her day. I can hate it all I want, but I can put on a smile and stand there with her to keep the gossip/sh*t-talking train in it's station. I see what you're saying, and I think what it may come down to is getting through this wedding, and cutting ties for my own. I have already made the decision not to include them in my pinning ceremony or graduation from nursing, baby steps I guess....
  • FWIW, my husband has NO relationship with his parents, by his choice, because of their (abusive) actions.

    They not infrequently try to play the 'but we're a family' card -- sending us photos of them from their church directory, crashing our wedding, sending us photos of my husband and his siblings as children, writing my husband letters, trying to guilt-trip him into buying into the 'but we're family and so you have to do this because we're family' bullshit.

    I hate them for it. Literally hate them. If they were on fire, I wouldn't piss on them to extinguish it. 

    No amount of anything would make my husband want to have a relationship with them, and I support that decision. I can't fully empathise, because my relationship with my own parents is great, but I can support whatever decision he makes.

    He made the decision long before meeting me to cut them out, and it was hard, and I know he felt guilt about it. But he's come to peace with it in time. He hasn't stepped foot in their house since he was 18 -- almost 15 years ago now. He cut ties, and sees them only when his effed-up BSC grandmother (which is another whole story) ambushes him with their presence at an event.

    Watching the effect they have on him makes me want to physically hurt them -- and I am not a violent person at all. I'm snarky and bitchy, but not violent. 

    He is angry and withdrawn and sullen and miserable for DAYS after a forced interaction with his parents. (For which, again, I would willingly slap his grandmother's stupid face.)

    If that's how you feel after seeing your family, think about the effect it's having not just on you but on your FI, and eventually on your kids (if you have them). 

    Nothing, and no one, is worth that.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Wow. Thank you for sharing that...that's terrible of his family. I do feel like crap after I see my family. It's been this way for awhile, intensifying when I moved away for collage the first 2 years out of HS. Those were my I'm 18 you can't stop me years. I've never been into drugs or in trouble with the law, my ways of rebellion were more along the lines of emancipating myself from my smothering family. It just seems to have broken onto a whole new level since the engagements. I appreciate your insight and advice. This needs to happen much sooner rather than later.
  • It's a lot easier for me to say it than for you to do it, and I realise that, I really do.

    It's also taken my husband time to realise that seeing his parents to placate his grandmother isn't fair to anyone in the situation -- him (who is miserable when he sees them), his parents (who then wrongly think they have a relationship with him), his grandmother (because it allows her to continue living in her delusion that everything is hunky-dory) and me (because I have to live with him when he's miserable). 

    It has also gotten worse for him, the longer he's gone between seeing his parents. Last year, he saw them four times, one of which was the day they crashed our wedding. So far this year, we haven't seen them at all, and I intend to keep it that way. (It helps that the instigator of all this bullshit drama, his BSC grandmother, is on his shit-list after telling me, 'I wish he hadn't married you.')

    It's hard to emancipate yourself from a suffocating, smothering family, especially when that's all you've ever known. When that's your 'normal' it takes a while to see what isn't normal.

    As an example, in my family, on your birthday, you get whatever meal you want, and your favourite kind of cake. That's what my mom does. That's her thing.

    The first two birthdays DH spent with my family, he was like, 'So what's the catch? What do they want in exchange?' It took me ages to explain to him, 'There's no catch. You pick a dinner, Mama HisGirl makes it, and you blow out your birthday candles. And we celebrate you.'

    He had never had that. That made me so sad.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • It's really eerie to hear how similar the situations here are... reversed, but that is exactly how my FI's family is. His mom welcomed me from day 1 with open arms and a birthday dinner/cake the very first year he and I were together. His step-dad and brothers and sisters are all amazing and even his dad has grown to like me... (he's a bit of a butthead but I let him know it and now he's fine with me). I've always been included in every family event, and even lived with them for a few months to distance myself from my family until my FI and I could get our own place. It was such a difference to feel loved and appreciated by essentially strangers. The relationship I have built with my FMIL is an amazing one, she is truly a woman to model myself after. Thank you for your advice and sharing your experience with me. I really do appreciate it. It's a lot easier to see the problem when someone not so close to me can point it out.

  • It's a lot easier to be on the outside looking in, it really is. Believe me, you have my sympathies. If you ever want to chat about it, PM me!
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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