Inviting Estranged Family Members!?!? DRAMA

lyndseye040

Alright, so I need the opinion of fellow brides!!

My aunt (my mother's sister) has always been the "black sheep" of our family. She wasn't around much, and let's face it.. she is a "off", if you know what I mean.

Anyways, she has had an on again/off again kind of relationship with my mother and my other aunt since I was a little girl. I planned on inviting her to the wedding, regardless of family history. 

Well, about a month ago, she got all upset with me because I hadn't told her about the hotel arrangements yet. (Our wedding is in November!!). I told her that none of the guests knew about the hotel arrangements yet, but they were posted on the wedding website. She took that to mean that I didn't want her invited, which led to a GIANT disagreement between us both. It was ridiculous. She told me she never wanted to speak to me again.

A couple weeks ago, I tried to reach her to settle this whole ordeal. I have not heard back from her.. She did receive a STD. Should I still send her an invitation and/or a shower invite? I want to be the bigger person in this situation, but I don't want her to cause more trouble and more stress! I want this to be a happy day!

Advice!?!

blabla89

If you sent her a save the date, then you must send an invitation. Not wanting someone to "cause more trouble and more stress" is not a valid reason for you to do something rude. The only exception would be if your aunt is somehow a danger to the rest of your guests, which it doesn't sound like she is.

ScoutF

Send her the invitation. You'll be the bigger person, and if she doesn't attend then it falls on her. 

Simply Fated

You sent her an STD so you should send her a wedding invitation. Just put the ball in her court.

I don't think you need to send her a shower invite, as you two just aren't close.

happywiggle

Simply Fated said:

You sent her an STD so you should send her a wedding invitation. Just put the ball in her court. I don't think you need to send her a shower invite, as you two just aren't close.

This is what I was going to say as well. 

An STD = invite. 

HuskyStark

So with you on this.  My mom has a sister just like this.  Though I tried to have a relationship with her outside of their drama, I experienced the same paranoia and taking offense at things that really were totally normal.  I guess it depends on if you think she would behave herself at the wedding.  It would be rude not to send her an invite after sending her a STD, but ultimately, it is a day about you and your love.  You are inviting people to share in that with you.  You don't have to invite people who will be incapable of focusing on the occasion, and only on their own perceived issues.  Getting the invite might smooth over her worries, but you probably know better than anyone on the boards whether she will be civil at the wedding.

short+sassy

If I were in your shoes, I would especially want to send a wedding and shower invite. Because, if you don't, now you are just validating her crazy temper tantrum. Plus it will be more fodder for her to compalin about.

But to send them shows you to be the more gracious person and you can allow yourself a private laugh knowing you took the wind out of her sails .  Then, if she chooses to decline, that is on her.

HisGirlFriday13

Send the invite. Be the bigger person, and don't give her the ammunition to hold something against you from now until forever.

phira

lyndseye040 said:

Alright, so I need the opinion of fellow brides!!

My aunt (my mother's sister) has always been the "black sheep" of our family. She wasn't around much, and let's face it.. she is a "off", if you know what I mean.

Anyways, she has had an on again/off again kind of relationship with my mother and my other aunt since I was a little girl. I planned on inviting her to the wedding, regardless of family history. 

Well, about a month ago, she got all upset with me because I hadn't told her about the hotel arrangements yet. (Our wedding is in November!!). I told her that none of the guests knew about the hotel arrangements yet, but they were posted on the wedding website. She took that to mean that I didn't want her invited, which led to a GIANT disagreement between us both. It was ridiculous. She told me she never wanted to speak to me again.

A couple weeks ago, I tried to reach her to settle this whole ordeal. I have not heard back from her.. She did receive a STD. Should I still send her an invitation and/or a shower invite? I want to be the bigger person in this situation, but I don't want her to cause more trouble and more stress! I want this to be a happy day!

Advice!?!

First piece of advice: Your wedding day will be your wedding day. People who don't get along will still not get along, although they may behave for your sake. I think there's this pressure that everyone feels to have EVERYONE happy and getting along at the wedding, as if the wedding is a deadline by which you must repair every single relationship that's undergoing strain.

So, let go of that. If your aunt is going to behave this way, then whatever. We'll deal with it in a way that adheres to good etiquette, and if she doesn't come to the wedding because she's so pissed, or if she comes to the wedding and is obnoxiously aloof, then whatever.

A save-the-date means an invitation to the wedding which you have asked people to save the date for. So yes, invite her to the wedding. Or, I should say, plan to invite her; you won't be sending out invitations for about 5 more months. That's a long time; things might cool down by then anyway. And if they haven't, she might decline to attend.

A save-the-date does not mean an invitation to every pre-wedding event. You can leave her off the shower list. She's not very close to you anyway, she's not even speaking to you, etc.

Jen4948

Since you sent her a save-the-date, you do have to follow up with an invitation to the wedding, but not for any other wedding-related event.

If your aunt continues to hold grudges and refuses to come, look at the situation as having dodged a bullet.  I personally think it's better for someone who is nursing grudges and bad feeling to not be there rather than to come and cop a hostile, bitchy attitude the whole time.

Whatever you do, don't let her spoil your wedding for you.

beachyone15

I agree, send the wedding invite but not the shower invite.