Minor friend vent

JCbride2015

I can't say this to my friend without crushing her, but I feel like I need to get it out.  My friend M has a lot of problems that objectively are not her fault: she has a mental illness, biologically caused, that has wreaked a lot of havoc in her life.  She is also a recovered addict (okay, that one is her fault, but she has done the work to be totally clean for years) and has very difficult parents.  We became close friends in college through a lot of shared interests, and have been good friends ever since.

I've helped her as best I could through several breakdowns and hospitalizations, and now her mental illness seems to be well treated.  However, she's been sick with some kind of respiratory illness lately and she just CANNOT STOP texting me constant blow-by-blow updates.  Her fever temperature, her symptoms, every time she has a doctor appointment or a blood test.  She just texted me at 7:30 this morning to tell me she has a Dr. appointment later, and she's vomiting, and she doesn't know if it's related to her illness or not.

She lives with her mom and grandmother, about four hours away from me OOS, so it's not like she's telling me this because there's anything I can do for her, or because she needs me to drive her anywhere.  I think it makes her feel better to tell me this stuff, but it just makes me worried and feeling like there's nothing I can do to help her.  I'm also concerned that she's starting to get a bit manic and that this physical illness is activating her mental illness.  But again, I feel totally helpless because I'm no health expert and I'm so far away from her.

I'm just frustrated.  I know I can't actually tell her not to text me her health updates because it would just come off sounding mean.  Any ideas about gently distancing myself a little would be greatly appreciated.  So far I am responding to her texts, but I try not to do it instantaneously so I'm not just at her beck and call.

loro929

That is a tough situation and you are right, she probably feels comforted sharing the information with you, especially since you have been by her side through her other illness. Does she often need attention in general? Has anything changed for her that would warrant her needing to feel extra attention, specifically from you? Is this something she does with others also?

To gently distance myself, I would probably blame it on work or being busy and offer up instead a phonecall at a later date/time, which would be a one-time call instead of non-stop texting. Plus, you do not come off as being mean.

For instance:

""JCBrideFriend, today I am going to be busy (at work/school/errands/etc.) and I might not be able to respond to your texts. Why don't I give you a call later on/tomorrow/later this week and you can update me on everything / how your feeling / in general"?

pinkcow13

Wow, sorry to hear that. I would do what @loro929 stated above. Tell her that you are having a busy day with work/school etc, and might not be able to respond to her texts. I would also try not to read them until you are mentally ready to do so. Reading each and every one of her texts as she sends them is only going to stress you out. She probably does want to be comforted but there is only so much you can do in this situation. Have you tried maybe changing the topic as well, in order to distract her from everything? I'm sorry your friend is going through this

HisGirlFriday13

Oh, wow. I'm so sorry. That's a tough situation to be in. 

I agree with PPs that the best way to handle it is probably to distance yourself by just saying, 'I won't be available to talk much today, but I'm interested in hearing how your appointment goes, so I'll call you later and we can chat.'

She really has the deck stacked against her, and I feel so sorry for her.

crystalpropes

Coming from someone who probably does this to who best friend on a weekly basis, people who have mental disorders (for me its OCD/anxiety) it helps us to have reassurance that what is happening to is us normal and not detrimental.  Often when we have an illness we fixate on it and it consumes our every thought and sometimes we don't even realize that is all we're talking about.  The best way to get her to stop texting you so much about her symptoms is to simply give her reassurance that she is and will be fine. 

HaileyDancingbear

I have a friend who does the exact same thing.  I love her to death, and I know she has anxiety issues so I wouldn't dream of giving her shit for it, as she has enough on her plate as is, but every time she gets sick I hear about every detail, and every time she has her period I know when it starts, when/how bad her cramps are, etc. 

I usually just respond with stuff like "Oh that sucks.  Yeah I hate my period too, ugh cramps are the worst etc."  because I don't think she really expects me to do anything about it, she just wants to be heard.  

Although I am also horrible at responding to texts (and half the time my phone doesn't even fucking go off even though it is set to go off when I get texts, grrrrrrrrrrr) so I often don't actually get to respond for a few hours.  She is aware though that at work my phone is OFF, and equally aware (As I have informed her/apologized about this a million times) that I am really bad at keeping track of my phone and having it on me.  I will leave it in a room unattended for hours at a time and just not be aware of anyone texting or calling, or that it is not in my pocket.

You could always just respond with "hey, that totally sucks!  Sorry if I don't get back to you, I'm at work/out to eat/ spending time with FI etc. and I might not be able to check my phone too often.  I'll talk to you later, though!" If she didn't have any mental issues I'd leave the italicized out, but since she does, and she probably just really wants to be listened to, you're gonna have to compromise a little bit and be patient, and it'll probably reassure her just as much to know that you will get back to her, and aren't just ignoring her.  

JCbride2015

I texted her earlier today and said something along the lines of, "That sucks, hope your'e feeling a little better.  I'm busy with XYZ but let's talk after your Dr. appt on Friday."  She said OK so that's good, at least.

Thanks for all the ideas, I think this was the best way to handle it.  At least she knows we will talk soon.  I just get stressed with the constant texts and I can't help her.