Evening wedding & babies, should they mix? XP

bethmccall89

My fiance and I are going to be married this summer and need to send out our invitations soon, yet we can't agree on whether or not we should allow our guests to bring their young children. Help!
Our ceremony is set to begin at 6pm and go for about half an hour, then we have a cocktail hour and dinner will begin around 7:30.  We know four couples with children under 1 year old who we will be inviting. I would prefer to have a wedding free of children since most 1 year olds would need to be in bed around 8 or so. That would mean that the four young families would basically 'dine and dash'. I also wouldn't be very happy if one or more of the babies happen to start crying during the ceremony. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive or inconsiderate, but I would much rather have the couples there to celebrate with us longer, rather than having them there with their children. Especially since my sister and my sister in law are a part of two of the four families I've mentioned.

Are there others facing this problem as well?

OliveOilsMom

bethmccall89 said:

My fiance and I are going to be married this summer and need to send out our invitations soon, yet we can't agree on whether or not we should allow our guests to bring their young children. Help!
Our ceremony is set to begin at 6pm and go for about half an hour, then we have a cocktail hour and dinner will begin around 7:30.  We know four couples with children under 1 year old who we will be inviting. I would prefer to have a wedding free of children since most 1 year olds would need to be in bed around 8 or so. That would mean that the four young families would basically 'dine and dash'. I also wouldn't be very happy if one or more of the babies happen to start crying during the ceremony. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive or inconsiderate, but I would much rather have the couples there to celebrate with us longer, rather than having them there with their children. Especially since my sister and my sister in law are a part of two of the four families I've mentioned.

Are there others facing this problem as well?

It's really up to the parents how they would want to care for their children at the wedding.  Some parents will be more inclined to stay out later with their kids because its a special occasion.  Some parents will want to keep them on a schedule.  If you want the kids there, then invite them.  Let the parents decide to bring them or not.

jdluvr06

This is a preference thing. If you want the kids there invite them. If you don't then don't. I wouldn't assume that the parents will stay later if they don't have the kids with them though. Most of the people I know with kids would still try to be home in time to put their children to bed themselves and relieve the sitter.

lyndausvi

You do not have to invite kids if you do not want.  

That said, I think  your reasoning is off.  Your siblings are capable of deciding what their kids can handle and can't.  Even if you don't invite the kids you are not preventing "dine and dash" anyway.  They  might leave early because of childcare issues?

I invited my nieces and nephews (they are older).  It was easier on my siblings to have their kids there then to have to deal with childcare.   I did not invite kids of other guests however.   If those guests could not make it due to childcare then I was okay with that.    I wasn't okay with my siblings not being there.

Even when invited, my siblings often leave their very young kids at home.    You might find your siblings also feel like it's too late for the kids and make some sort of arrangements.  Once my sister took the kids to the ceremony and reception . I picked them up and took them to bed so they could stay behind.

wandajune6

We're having the same schedule. Given our families, it's impossible not to invite children without offending- and we're ok with that.

We know some couples will bring their kids and leave early. Others will get babysitters. It just depends.

Just be prepared for the fact that you can't make everyone happy.
-My mom hates that having kids means less formal (no 'real' candles, etc.).
-My sister thinks we should provide babysitters (there's no spare room to entertain kids and her only acceptable babysitters are prohibitively expensive) so they can stay after their daughter melts down for the day.

We take the approach that every family is capable of making decisions. We're leaving it up to them. So far, it seems like family is bringing kids, friends are not. We'll see.

grumbledore

Put XP in your title if you're going to post in multiple places.

phira

bethmccall89 said:

My fiance and I are going to be married this summer and need to send out our invitations soon, yet we can't agree on whether or not we should allow our guests to bring their young children. Help!
Our ceremony is set to begin at 6pm and go for about half an hour, then we have a cocktail hour and dinner will begin around 7:30.  We know four couples with children under 1 year old who we will be inviting. I would prefer to have a wedding free of children since most 1 year olds would need to be in bed around 8 or so. That would mean that the four young families would basically 'dine and dash'. I also wouldn't be very happy if one or more of the babies happen to start crying during the ceremony. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive or inconsiderate, but I would much rather have the couples there to celebrate with us longer, rather than having them there with their children. Especially since my sister and my sister in law are a part of two of the four families I've mentioned.

Are there others facing this problem as well?

So, honestly, it's really up to you if you want to invite babies (you'd be inviting them, not "allowing" them). Or kids in general. You don't have to justify your reasons to us, or to your guests. We especially don't recommend justifying it to your guests, who will likely just be irritated or offended and try to argue. "We're not inviting kids" is a lot more difficult to argue with than, "We're not inviting kids because they might misbehave" or "We're not inviting kids because we want you to have a fun time."

However, I think that your attitude about the situation needs a little adjusting.

First of all, it is entirely none of your business how people parent their children. If people want to bring their babies to a wedding, and that means said babies are up a little later than usual, then that's the parents' decision. As long as the parents are not abusive or neglectful, it's not up to you to decide when it's appropriate for people to bring their kids or leave them at home. You're right that some people will likely leave early because of that, but they'll decide when bedtime needs to be.

Second of all, your guests are not capable of dining and dashing when you are hosting them for dinner. I know you probably know this, but I really want to drive it home because you need to embrace it: your guests don't owe you anything in exchange for the cost of their plate. If someone leaves early after dinner because they have a young child, or they're sick and want to go home, or they're having a bad time, or they have to get up early for work the next day, you have not wasted your money on them.

Third, you are inviting people to celebrate your marriage, but you can't control "how happy for you" people are for you. These people love you and want to celebrate with you, but they will never care as much about your marriage and your wedding as you will. It's unkind to your guests to try to box them into a situation so that they can care about you as much as possible. Separating families specifically so you can feel like they're paying enough attention to you is definitely inconsiderate.

Finally, you also need to accept that not inviting young children to your wedding actually might mean that some people will not come to your wedding. It's not clear from your post, but I get the impression that you think not inviting babies will mean that parents will stay longer at your wedding. In my experience, it means that parents won't come to your wedding. The logistics of leaving a very young child at home aren't terribly simple for everyone; I know plenty of people who would not be okay leaving a child under the age of 1 with a babysitter unless it was an emergency situation. My aunt and uncle didn't come to my brother's wedding because their much-older children weren't invited and (because the family was from out of town), they weren't okay leaving their kids with a babysitter they didn't know.

I'm not saying that you should definitely invite kids or that it's selfish not to. But I think you need to get out of this mindset that you're in.

thisismynickname2

I have the same schedule as you.

Children are not invited.

Not a single one of our friends with children even wants to bring them! They are looking forward to having a nice evening out and having fun.

This is a "know your crowd" thing for sure, but at the end of the day, if you don't want children, don't invite them.

I did tell my FI when we were planning that since at least two friends would have tiny children, that I wouldn't mind doing the same concept as the airlines: "lap children". I'd rather have my friends there with a baby in a carrier than not there at all. 

phira

I didn't realize this was cross-posted and thought that my post got eaten up. Phew.

OP, put XP in a post title when you post the same thing in two different forums.

bethmccall89

What does XP mean?

KatWAG

cross post

mbross3

OP you definitely do not have to invite children to your wedding. You don't need to explain your reasoning, as long as you and your FI come to some sort of agreement (or compromise). You can invite some children, no children, all children, whatever you want. 

Most of the weddings I've been to have not included children (other than the couple's own kids in one case) and they made it clear from the invitations who was invited (they just listed the names of the invited adults, etc). 

If you decide to not invite children, keep in mind that this may prevent some parents from attending your wedding. Of course, an invitation is not a subpoena, so people are always free to RSVP "no" for any reason so I, personally, would not consider that a huge deal. Now, if you have VIPs with young children, maybe you should touch base with them and see if they would still attend if their children were not invited--you don't have to do this by any means, but if there are some people who you absolutely want at your wedding no matter what, then you might consider whether or not having children will affect their attendance.