Wedding Etiquette Forum

A family member can't make or wedding, Invite to the shower?

My/my dad's cousins can't make our wedding because they will be out of town during that time, a trip that was planned months ago and long before we chose our wedding date. We don't see these cousins often because we live a couple hours away from each other, but they are pretty close family to us. I have read that since we know they can't make the wedding, that we should not send them an invitation to the wedding... So, with that being said, my question is do I invite the wife to my bridal shower? There will be other wives there from that side of the family and I do not want to not include and make her feel left out... But at the same time, I do not want it to seem like she's being invited to the shower so she can bring a gift... What is the etiquette in this situation?

Re: A family member can't make or wedding, Invite to the shower?

  • First, I'd send them an invitation to the wedding anyway. Plans can change; something could come up that makes the trip impossible. And you'd want them at the wedding anyway since you're close. I'd talk to them as the invites go out and tell them that you know they have a trip but you want them to know you want them there.

    If you're close to the wife, I see no reason to not invite her to the bridal shower, especially if you also invite them to the wedding.
    HisGirlFriday13
  • They'll be away June - August 19th, our wedding is July 27th.
  • rsalomon said:

    My/my dad's cousins can't make our wedding because they will be out of town during that time, a trip that was planned months ago and long before we chose our wedding date. We don't see these cousins often because we live a couple hours away from each other, but they are pretty close family to us. I have read that since we know they can't make the wedding, that we should not send them an invitation to the wedding...

    So, with that being said, my question is do I invite the wife to my bridal shower? There will be other wives there from that side of the family and I do not want to not include and make her feel left out... But at the same time, I do not want it to seem like she's being invited to the shower so she can bring a gift... What is the etiquette in this situation?

    rsalomon said:

    They'll be away June - August 19th, our wedding is July 27th.

    Stitches' advice is spot-on. If you would invite them, regardless of whether they can attend, invite them to the wedding.

    But you can't invite them to the shower if you don't invite them to the wedding, because that is tacky and gift-grabby.

    So if you want to invite them to the shower, you have to invite them to the wedding. If you don't invite them to the wedding, you can't invite them to the shower.
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  • I still say you should send an invitation. We were booked for a trip the week of our cousin's wedding, and I let him know when he sent the STD. We ended up canceling the trip but never received an invitation to the wedding. I was pretty bummed because I really wanted to go.

    Even if you're 100% sure they'll decline, send one anyway. It's a nice gesture, and they can just RSVP "no" or call you to confirm they really can't make it.
  • If you want to invite them to the shower, then you need to invite them to the wedding.

    If these are people you would invite to the wedding if they weren't going to be away, I'd go ahead and send them an invitation anyway, even if they decline it.  Then you'll be able to invite them to the shower.
  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Focus on the wedding first. Would you be inviting them to the wedding if you weren't aware of their conflict? That is, if you didn't know they couldn't make it, would you invite them?

    If you would, then invite them to the wedding. It lets them know that they're still invited, and that's important if their plans end up changing.

    If you do invite them to the wedding, then you can also invite them to the shower. If they feel like it's gift-grabby, they're welcome to, you know, decline.

    If you do not invite them to the wedding, then inviting them to the shower is not okay.
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