Wedding Woes

I would just like to vent a bit.

Hi, I'm new here, but I know I am among friends.  I just want to ask if anyone has had these type of problems.  Has anyone had this happen?

My MIL bypassed us and our venue coordinator and called our venue directly behind out backs, spoke to the general manager, and got a shuttle arranged for FREE to pick her up and take her home so they could drink alcohol at our wedding.  The General Manger said to her that it will be "[the venue]'s gift to us by providing that service."

Ugh, so you used a gift to us on yourself.  Nice.

I was shocked she would do this behind our backs.  I felt like FI and I were the touch-point to the venue and she should have spoken to us first.  I emailed our venue coordinator and apologized, as she wasn't even aware it happened!  I was worried the venue would think we were a demanding/fussy client that presumed these services were available when they clearly weren't.  I was so embarrassed. 

My coordinator assured me that her MIL did the same thing and it wasn't a problem (what are the odds?  Really!).  Since then, MIL has been on a 'need to know' basis, for fear of calling other vendors and making arrangements we aren't aware of.  

Has anyone dealt with this scenario?  Has a guest called a venue and made special demands?  MIL had demanded a lot, but she isn't paying for this so really can't say much.  I'm just wondering if I'm alone in this scenario.

She's been fussy for most of our engagement to say the least. 
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Re: I would just like to vent a bit.

  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2014
    Hi, I'm new here, but I know I am among friends.  I just want to ask if anyone has had these type of problems.  Has anyone had this happen?

    My MIL bypassed us and our venue coordinator and called our venue directly behind out backs, spoke to the general manager, and got a shuttle arranged for FREE to pick her up and take her home so they could drink alcohol at our wedding.  The General Manger said to her that it will be "[the venue]'s gift to us by providing that service."

    Ugh, so you used a gift to us on yourself.  Nice.

    I was shocked she would do this behind our backs.  I felt like FI and I were the touch-point to the venue and she should have spoken to us first.  I emailed our venue coordinator and apologized, as she wasn't even aware it happened!  I was worried the venue would think we were a demanding/fussy client that presumed these services were available when they clearly weren't.  I was so embarrassed. 

    My coordinator assured me that her MIL did the same thing and it wasn't a problem (what are the odds?  Really!).  Since then, MIL has been on a 'need to know' basis, for fear of calling other vendors and making arrangements we aren't aware of.  

    Has anyone dealt with this scenario?  Has a guest called a venue and made special demands?  MIL had demanded a lot, but she isn't paying for this so really can't say much.  I'm just wondering if I'm alone in this scenario.

    She's been fussy for most of our engagement to say the least. 

    That is ridiculous. But you need to make sure every vendor knows that you are point of contact for everything. Tell them not to discuss your plans with anyone or let anyone modify them (even if that anyone tries to pay to change things). If they don't respect that, then you take your money elsewhere. This will head off future problems (ie if MIL doesn't like flowers and tries to pay to "upgrade")

    Second, your FI needs to talk to his MIL and tell her to back off.  He/She needs to let MIL know that you are a team and both of you are not okay with this.  

    And great job on only giving need-to-know information moving forward. That sounds like a good plan.

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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 I'm Canadian, eh! member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited April 2014
    Hi, I'm new here, but I know I am among friends.  I just want to ask if anyone has had these type of problems.  Has anyone had this happen?

    My MIL bypassed us and our venue coordinator and called our venue directly behind out backs, spoke to the general manager, and got a shuttle arranged for FREE to pick her up and take her home so they could drink alcohol at our wedding.  The General Manger said to her that it will be "[the venue]'s gift to us by providing that service."

    Ugh, so you used a gift to us on yourself.  Nice.

    I was shocked she would do this behind our backs.  I felt like FI and I were the touch-point to the venue and she should have spoken to us first.  I emailed our venue coordinator and apologized, as she wasn't even aware it happened!  I was worried the venue would think we were a demanding/fussy client that presumed these services were available when they clearly weren't.  I was so embarrassed. 

    My coordinator assured me that her MIL did the same thing and it wasn't a problem (what are the odds?  Really!).  Since then, MIL has been on a 'need to know' basis, for fear of calling other vendors and making arrangements we aren't aware of.  

    Has anyone dealt with this scenario?  Has a guest called a venue and made special demands?  MIL had demanded a lot, but she isn't paying for this so really can't say much.  I'm just wondering if I'm alone in this scenario.

    She's been fussy for most of our engagement to say the least. 

    That is ridiculous. But you need to make sure every vendor knows that you are point of contact for everything. Tell them not to discuss your plans with anyone or let anyone modify them (even if that anyone tries to pay to change things). If they don't respect that, then you take your money elsewhere. This will head off future problems (ie if MIL doesn't like flowers and tries to pay to "upgrade")

    Second, your FI needs to talk to his MIL and tell her to back off.  He/She needs to let MIL know that you are a team and both of you are not okay with this.  

    And great job on only giving need-to-know information moving forward. That sounds like a good plan.
    FIL totally told her to back off.  No worries there!  lol.  It resulted in an argument which relented to acceptance as she has no power over the decisions being made after that incident.  All of our vendors are booked, and we have stressed that any changes need to be cleared through us.  The contracts are signed with us and all vendors are aware for sure!
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  • So sorry you have a buttinsky for a FMIL! I was a wedding coordinator for a bakery and knew to refuse to make changes if anyone other than the bride or groom called because of situations like these. Good job on handling the situation quickly!!
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  • That's so horribly inappropriate I have no words.

    I'd have your FI have a come-to-Jesus talk with his mother about that is and is not acceptable going forward, and that her talking to ANY of your vendors without your permission is grounds for being banned from any and all further wedding events, up to and including the wedding.

    What happens if she decides she doesn't like your officiant or your flowers or whatever else? Is she just going to change them?

    Going forward, I'd tell her NOTHING whatever about the wedding. There is nothing she needs to know at this point.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • FI had a talk with her and she hasnt pulled that stunt since.  Thank you everyone for your advice.  I was hoping we did the right thing!  

    She only knows basic things that are untraceable.  Naturally, she asks, but we are vague to the point of being boring:

    "Hmmm?  Oh, yes, we got a DJ.  I can't remember the name right now."

    "The flower contract has already been signed and we can't change it. She's very busy and we cannot bother her."

    Stuff like that.  Stuff she can't impose on.  

    My mother is the exact opposite!  She's being supportive, going on about how excited she is, asking questions out of interest and not for the sake of being critical.  My MIL is a control freak, so us planning something she can't control is very alarming to her but it's a good exercise for her in learning how to deal with things she doesnt have a direct authority on.  We are telling her everything is taken care of, just relax and have a good time, but she just can't.  We got another 6 months of this, but FI and I are acting as a unified force on this one.

    Also, because she booked this with the General Manager and not the Coordinator or us, this shuttle, in our eyes, doesnt exist.  It will not be mentioned again to her or anyone (except you guys ^_^).  We got a new coordinator since the incident as well.  If this blows up, it isnt anyone's fault but her own.
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  • I'd call the venue and cancel it, and not tell her.
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  • I'd call the venue and cancel it, and not tell her.
    I like where your head is at.  
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