Wedding Woes

My fiancee's family is on a high horse and I am *this* close to knocking their asses off of it

Okay. I need some advice here. My fiancee and I are getting married in three months. While our families have met, there haven't been any organized gatherings for them to really get to know one another (something I don't see as an issue, because there's plenty of time for that later). My fiancee's family and my family both struggle with finances, my family to a greater extent. Due to this, my FH (future husband)'s family is paying for the food at the reception, which is of course a big chunk of the total wedding cost. My parents/family will cover the reception venue costs and the photography, with my FH and I taking care of everything else. Before my family had budgeted those costs and realized that they could afford those things, my FH's family made a stink about the fact that my family wasn't contributing to the wedding and even told my fiancee that they couldn't afford to contribute because they had too many expenses in the future. Something that wasn't an issue until my FH's father and my father had spoken and my father told my FH's father that they couldn't help out. My FH worked HARD to raise money for both of his sisters' weddings and this hurt both of us really badly. They later told us they COULD help out and my FH asked me to have my parents cover something, anything, so his parents wouldn't feel like they were doing it alone (which they weren't in the first place *eye roll*). Now, THREE MONTHS before my wedding, my FH's father tells my FH that my family isn't reaching out to my FH's family and that its worrying them because what kind of parents do I really have that they aren't concerned with knowing their future inlaws? I AM SO FED UP. There are more stories, but those are the main ones that demonstrate my FH's family's mentality. My family is the *bad* family because we aren't hunky dory and Brady Bunch like his family is. We have issues and things we have to work out (my father and I aren't always on good terms) and because of that, my FH's family is on a high horse and keeps behaving as if my family is lesser and dysfunctional and 'not even a real family'. Apparently because my parents don't call his parents, my family isn't 'interested' in the wedding. My parents are helping as best they can whenever I need them and this high horse nonsense is really about to trip me out. It's causing problems for me and my FH and this needs to stop! How do I deal with this?? Especially when my FH listens to all this bull and then tries to get me to change things so my family seems more 'appealing'? Part of my problem is my FH's refusal to just correct them when they're wrong and fix this shit before it blows up. Help! Advice! Anything!  
chevelleE

Re: My fiancee's family is on a high horse and I am *this* close to knocking their asses off of it

  • I'd postpone.
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Okay. I need some advice here. My fiancee and I are getting married in three months. While our families have met, there haven't been any organized gatherings for them to really get to know one another (something I don't see as an issue, because there's plenty of time for that later). My fiancee's family and my family both struggle with finances, my family to a greater extent. Due to this, my FH (future husband)'s family is paying for the food at the reception, which is of course a big chunk of the total wedding cost. My parents/family will cover the reception venue costs and the photography, with my FH and I taking care of everything else. Before my family had budgeted those costs and realized that they could afford those things, my FH's family made a stink about the fact that my family wasn't contributing to the wedding and even told my fiancee that they couldn't afford to contribute because they had too many expenses in the future. Something that wasn't an issue until my FH's father and my father had spoken and my father told my FH's father that they couldn't help out. My FH worked HARD to raise money for both of his sisters' weddings and this hurt both of us really badly. They later told us they COULD help out and my FH asked me to have my parents cover something, anything, so his parents wouldn't feel like they were doing it alone (which they weren't in the first place *eye roll*). Now, THREE MONTHS before my wedding, my FH's father tells my FH that my family isn't reaching out to my FH's family and that its worrying them because what kind of parents do I really have that they aren't concerned with knowing their future inlaws? I AM SO FED UP. There are more stories, but those are the main ones that demonstrate my FH's family's mentality. My family is the *bad* family because we aren't hunky dory and Brady Bunch like his family is. We have issues and things we have to work out (my father and I aren't always on good terms) and because of that, my FH's family is on a high horse and keeps behaving as if my family is lesser and dysfunctional and 'not even a real family'. Apparently because my parents don't call his parents, my family isn't 'interested' in the wedding. My parents are helping as best they can whenever I need them and this high horse nonsense is really about to trip me out. It's causing problems for me and my FH and this needs to stop! How do I deal with this?? Especially when my FH listens to all this bull and then tries to get me to change things so my family seems more 'appealing'? Part of my problem is my FH's refusal to just correct them when they're wrong and fix this shit before it blows up. Help! Advice! Anything!  
    1) Fiancé = male
    Fiancée = female

    2) If both families are struggling with their finances, why in the world are they funding any part of your wedding?

    3) It's really rude to ask people to fund your PPD. Even more so when you know they're having financial issues. What is wrong with your FI/fILS for asking this, and you for agreeing to do it?

    4) Why in the world are you marrying a guy who is not putting your relationship first? He's siding with his family and hassling you about yours. You're not just marrying this guy, you're marrying his family. If he can't tell them to drop it, or MYOB, it's doubtful that he'll do that when they disagree with how you're leading your lives/raising your kids/etc.

    PrettyGirlLostdoeydoBubblegum5586OliveOilsMom
  • I'm going to avoid commenting on your family drama, but you should really change your user name if that is your full name (as it sounds like it could be).
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • You could always go to the courthouse (you can still wear your dress) and have a BBQ with both your families that you and you fiance pay for.  All that other stuff is just a luxury.  Or you could postpone until you two can afford the luxury yourselves.  
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  • I agree with everyone else.  You should have NEVER approached the parents for money to fund your party when they are financially strapped.  How selfish of you and your FH.  Apologize to your families, give their money back, postpone your wedding and pay for it your damn selves.
  • I would pay for it yourself if they can't commit to giving you money to help with the costs. 

    Also, a good rule of thumb is don't budget for their money unless the cash/check is in your hand. 
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  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I feel you, my FH's family is aware of how ...uncaring my family has been. And people can't really help but resent a little bit that my family is way richer and not contributing at all, while his family is very generously contributing a little and has in general been way more involved. 

    BUT. This doesn't sound worth it. I would not expect contributions from people that are struggling financially, and even if they offered I probably would not accept. The two of you need to either scale way back and have a wedding you can afford on your own, or postpone until you can afford the wedding you want on your own. It is no one's responsibility to pay but yours. 

    In the future, keep details about finances to yourselves. If FH's family wants to pay for food, GREAT. That's a big load off of you. But don't count on it until you have it in your hand, and that doesn't mean that anyone else has to contribute. FH and his family are being very rude in that respect.

    And our families have not met. That's what happens when people live all over the place. They'll meet at the wedding and probably never see each other again, and that's perfectly okay. No need to force a relationship just because you're sort of family now. Like you said, there is plenty of time for that, if they so choose. 

    I understand the frustration, I really do, but unfortunately there isn't much you can do other than put on your big girl pants and deal. 
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  • shaekatshaekat member
    First Comment
    My fiance (thanks for that correction) and I had a very small, intimate ceremony planned for our wedding. One which we wouldn't need to ask anyone for money for. My fiance's parents were the one's that decided that our wedding needed to be bigger and the ones that OFFERED to contribute to the wedding. I'm reading all of these super judgmental comments about us forcing parents to pay and that is by NO means the case. We are both incredibly understanding of our families financial difficulties and it took MONTHS for my future in-laws to convince me to have something bigger. My issue with this is that my FILs seem to think that because they are contributing in a big way, that my parents should also. Even though the big wedding was their idea in the first place. My fiance and I are not selfish, or uncaring, or inconsiderate. And I never said that we asked either parents for contributions. My family and his decided what they could afford to gift us and were adamant about us accepting these gifts from them. I see so many comments reading between lines that aren't there and not even commenting on my issue, which is that I'm trying to find a way to deal with their attitudes in a polite and respective manner. Both my fiance and I are playing mediator and trying to keep everyone happy and we BOTH need help figuring out how to deal with all this nonsense and the shade being thrown by the families. Can I actually get advice on THAT instead of everyone's perceived ideas of our selfishness?
    chevelleE
  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I'm always confused by why people (in this case your future inlaws) seem to think both sides of the family need to have multiple get togethers and become bffs.  Our families haven't seen each other since the wedding.  They even staggered their visits when our son was born.

    Right now you need to have a frank discussion with your FH about how he is making you feel.  The big issue is him buying into his family's view of your family being "lesser".  Which he is doing when he tries to get you to do things to make your family more appealing to his.  After you resolve that you can move onto how his family is making you feel.

    Personally, I think your best bet is to give everyone their money back and have that small, intimate ceremony you were planning.  
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  • shaekat said:
    My fiance (thanks for that correction) and I had a very small, intimate ceremony planned for our wedding. One which we wouldn't need to ask anyone for money for. My fiance's parents were the one's that decided that our wedding needed to be bigger and the ones that OFFERED to contribute to the wedding. I'm reading all of these super judgmental comments about us forcing parents to pay and that is by NO means the case. We are both incredibly understanding of our families financial difficulties and it took MONTHS for my future in-laws to convince me to have something bigger. My issue with this is that my FILs seem to think that because they are contributing in a big way, that my parents should also. Even though the big wedding was their idea in the first place. My fiance and I are not selfish, or uncaring, or inconsiderate. And I never said that we asked either parents for contributions. My family and his decided what they could afford to gift us and were adamant about us accepting these gifts from them. I see so many comments reading between lines that aren't there and not even commenting on my issue, which is that I'm trying to find a way to deal with their attitudes in a polite and respective manner. Both my fiance and I are playing mediator and trying to keep everyone happy and we BOTH need help figuring out how to deal with all this nonsense and the shade being thrown by the families. Can I actually get advice on THAT instead of everyone's perceived ideas of our selfishness?
    You don't understand.  It IS incredibly selfish to accept money from them, knowing what you know about their finances.

    Also, none of this parent drama would be happening if you 1) hadn't accepted any offers and 2) didn't talk about how much each side was contributing.  Think about it.  How do any of them know how much the other is paying?  Either you or your FI or both of you have been discussing it with both sides.  Again, judging.

    My advice is the same.  Give back any money you have taken and pay for the wedding yourselves.  This might mean cutting back on things (flowers, transportation, etc) or postponing until you can afford all the things you want.

    mrsconn23HisGirlFriday13
  • shaekatshaekat member
    First Comment
    I can slightly understand where some advice is coming from. Although to clear something up, the parent drama was actually caused when my FH's father and my father met to "get to know one another" and wedding contributions came up. It was after this discussion that everything kind of just went to hell. I'm just getting incredibly frustrated because I went against my gut and let my FH's family convince me that a large wedding was best. I still am not seeing the selfishness in this though, because it wasn't as if I wanted a huge wedding and they coughed up money to make that happen - the wedding happening now is solely at the persistent insistence of my FILs. The realization that my wedding is *my* wedding came much too late. I guess I was trying to please everyone? And now everyone has kind of worked through their problems and *I'm* the one stressed out. My FH and I talked about the whole thing and worked through our own mess...but now, with only a couple of months left before the wedding, I feel stuck. Not only is my wedding much larger than I planned (like 75% larger), I also still have to deal with my FILs and their 'who does what' measuring stick. 
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Return the money and elope with your FI.
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    shaekat said:
    I can slightly understand where some advice is coming from. Although to clear something up, the parent drama was actually caused when my FH's father and my father met to "get to know one another" and wedding contributions came up. It was after this discussion that everything kind of just went to hell. I'm just getting incredibly frustrated because I went against my gut and let my FH's family convince me that a large wedding was best. I still am not seeing the selfishness in this though, because it wasn't as if I wanted a huge wedding and they coughed up money to make that happen - the wedding happening now is solely at the persistent insistence of my FILs. The realization that my wedding is *my* wedding came much too late. I guess I was trying to please everyone? And now everyone has kind of worked through their problems and *I'm* the one stressed out. My FH and I talked about the whole thing and worked through our own mess...but now, with only a couple of months left before the wedding, I feel stuck. Not only is my wedding much larger than I planned (like 75% larger), I also still have to deal with my FILs and their 'who does what' measuring stick. 
    It doesn't sounds like you guys are on the same page. Why isn't your FI dealing with his parents' rude behavior? Why is this something that you need to deal with? They're being rude. You and your FI need to present a united front and stop discussing who is paying/who is involved in planning. 
  • shaekat said:
    I can slightly understand where some advice is coming from. Although to clear something up, the parent drama was actually caused when my FH's father and my father met to "get to know one another" and wedding contributions came up. It was after this discussion that everything kind of just went to hell. I'm just getting incredibly frustrated because I went against my gut and let my FH's family convince me that a large wedding was best. I still am not seeing the selfishness in this though, because it wasn't as if I wanted a huge wedding and they coughed up money to make that happen - the wedding happening now is solely at the persistent insistence of my FILs. The realization that my wedding is *my* wedding came much too late. I guess I was trying to please everyone? And now everyone has kind of worked through their problems and *I'm* the one stressed out. My FH and I talked about the whole thing and worked through our own mess...but now, with only a couple of months left before the wedding, I feel stuck. Not only is my wedding much larger than I planned (like 75% larger), I also still have to deal with my FILs and their 'who does what' measuring stick. 
    Honestly, the more you post, the more I think you should cancel the wedding you have planned now, get yourselves some counselling so you're on the same page, and the re-plan, later, the wedding you want and can afford to host on your own.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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