Office shower for a PPD? (semi-vent)

blabla89

The co-worker no one particularly likes is having a PPD at the end of the month. He got married last fall so that he and his wife could live together (she comes from a very conservative immigrant family and her parents wouldn't allow it unless she was married, and no I'm not trying to justify, this is just what he told us) but his "real wedding" is at the end of May. He already wears a wedding ring, and was essentially bragging about it to the CEO (most awkward conversation ever - this kid has no social skills.) I bite my tongue whenever the subject comes up, but it seriously irks me so much, kind of because it's a PPD but mostly because of who it is. The groom's boss sent out an email to the whole department that she is collecting money to give him a gift card and a cake before he leaves for the wedding. IMO office showers are pretty awkward to begin with, and I have a feeling there will be a lot of facepalm moments at this one.

Okay, I'm done ranting now. Would I be a terrible person for not chipping in, or should I just bite my tongue and give her a couple bucks? I'm seriously tempted to reply back to just the boss saying "I thought he was already married?" Talk me down, please...

ETA punctuation

msuprincess04

If you want to participate, then go for it. But, it sounds like you don't really like this person, so why would you give him a gift (even if it wasn't a PPD)? I'd probably just not contribute, but also not participate in any cake or office celebration for the wedding. 

manateehugger

Ugh there's a crap ton of grossness in here. Who the hell brags to their CEO about their rushed marriage to avoid parent confrontation?!

And I always find it inappropriate when managers email their subordinates asking for money for whatever reason; there's undue pressure to donate there - especially for a non charitable reason. That's BS.

I'd either not contribute or just throw in $5 if I thought it would become a big deal in the office politics to not chip in.

JCbride2015

lalalaurita said:

The co-worker no one particularly likes is having a PPD at the end of the month. He got married last fall so that he and his wife could live together (she comes from a very conservative immigrant family and her parents wouldn't allow it unless she was married, and no I'm not trying to justify, this is just what he told us) but his "real wedding" is at the end of May. He already wears a wedding ring, and was essentially bragging about it to the CEO (most awkward conversation ever - this kid has no social skills.) I bite my tongue whenever the subject comes up, but it seriously irks me so much, kind of because it's a PPD but mostly because of who it is. The groom's boss sent out an email to the whole department that she is collecting money to give him a gift card and a cake before he leaves for the wedding. IMO office showers are pretty awkward to begin with, and I have a feeling there will be a lot of facepalm moments at this one.

Okay, I'm done ranting now. Would I be a terrible person for not chipping in, or should I just bite my tongue and give her a couple bucks? I'm seriously tempted to reply back to just the boss saying "I thought he was already married?" Talk me down, please...

ETA punctuation

Honestly I just find it awkward whenever jobs take up collections for stuff-- at least when the boss organizes it.  If it's just coworkers organizing something for a peer, whatever.  But when the boss is asking you to chip in, it feels hard to say no.

This would depend on my relationship with the boss, and how you know the boss feels about the coworker.  But generally just to smooth things over at work, I'd probably chip in with a couple of bucks.  As long as the amount is not a hardship, it's probably worth it to just participate and move on to keep things positive with your boss.

grumbledore

msuprincess04 said:

If you want to participate, then go for it. But, it sounds like you don't really like this person, so why would you give him a gift (even if it wasn't a PPD)? I'd probably just not contribute, but also not participate in any cake or office celebration for the wedding. 

This.  

cowgirl8238

I have to agree that if your not particullary close with the boss to just suck it up and throw in a few bucks.  Honestly, for me its better to save face and lose 5 bucks...but that is the environment I work in, only you know that.

THe whole PPD thing is just a pet peeve in general for me, but to openly brag about it infront of people makes this all the more gross...but don't say anything to the boss!

ei34

You're not at all a terrible person for not chipping in! I have a number of coworkers who never chip in for office showers and the like, and it's totally fine. Never feel obligated to contribute to something like this (and you never have to give a reason). I always chip in for office stuff but even I'd be tempted to pass on a PPD.

pinkcow13

If I didn't like the person, or know them, I wouldn't contribute. I only contribute to office showers for my friends or someone that I like. So, you're not in the wrong if you don't contribute.

And the strict parent thing is BS. How old are these people? My parents are extremely strict, and I know that they never wanted me to live with my FI before marriage. Well, tough. I'm a fucking adult and can make my own decisions, whether my parents agree or not. 

Do you know who is paying for this "wedding?" I bet the bride's parents are, and that's why they're having the big shindig. 

a13049

To me the PPD. Makes no difference. When it comes to work showers, I fell no obligation to buy things for people because I work with them. If I am friends or friendly with this person I will buy then a gift wether or not our work had a shower. If I wouldn't buy them a gift when there is no shower, then I don't feel obligated to because their is a shower. We have a small school building and a we have had 5 wedding/baby showers I have gone to all of them. We are having one coming up with a girl who has worked all year and barely says hi to most of us. She holes up in here office does her job and leaves. It's very awkward because schools are usually very open friendly places. I absolutely feel no obligation to attend this shower.

kitty8403

pinkcow13 said:

If I didn't like the person, or know them, I wouldn't contribute. I only contribute to office showers for my friends or someone that I like. So, you're not in the wrong if you don't contribute.

And the strict parent thing is BS. How old are these people? My parents are extremely strict, and I know that they never wanted me to live with my FI before marriage. Well, tough. I'm a fucking adult and can make my own decisions, whether my parents agree or not. 

Do you know who is paying for this "wedding?" I bet the bride's parents are, and that's why they're having the big shindig. 

I agree it's BS, but I also recognize, having grown up in a super-conservative fundy environment, how difficult it can be to break away, even though you are technically an adult. The process can take years and be emotionally devastating.
Conservative family pressure seems to be a big driver of PPDs-- people wanting the big wedding but also wanting to be married already (because they want to have sex or other benefits).
As for the boss thing, no. I think it's horribly inappropriate to ask your employees for money. Even for charitable causes, let alone something like this.

HisGirlFriday13

I'm with the group of people who think that collecting for office showers is kind of tacky, and I wouldn't give to this person if I weren't close to him regardless of the PPD event.

I don't like to be forced to be generous. If you're my co-worker, and you're getting married or having a baby, I'll make you a blanket or buy you a gift if I want to. I don't need to be strong-armed into contributing.

blabla89

kitty8403 said:

If I didn't like the person, or know them, I wouldn't contribute. I only contribute to office showers for my friends or someone that I like. So, you're not in the wrong if you don't contribute.

And the strict parent thing is BS. How old are these people? My parents are extremely strict, and I know that they never wanted me to live with my FI before marriage. Well, tough. I'm a fucking adult and can make my own decisions, whether my parents agree or not. 

Do you know who is paying for this "wedding?" I bet the bride's parents are, and that's why they're having the big shindig. 

I agree it's BS, but I also recognize, having grown up in a super-conservative fundy environment, how difficult it can be to break away, even though you are technically an adult. The process can take years and be emotionally devastating. Conservative family pressure seems to be a big driver of PPDs-- people wanting the big wedding but also wanting to be married already (because they want to have sex or other benefits). As for the boss thing, no. I think it's horribly inappropriate to ask your employees for money. Even for charitable causes, let alone something like this.

That's pretty much how I feel about it. It would be different if they circulated an envelope for people to anonymously and optionally chip in and sign the card. Unfortunately it's a part of the culture of our department. The boss or the boss's favorite (who will gossip to her about who didn't give) always sends out an email and personally collects the money.

I know I'm not the only one who's uncomfortable with it and I wish I could say something about it...but I don't think there's any way I can without getting the wrath of the boss.

Jen4948

I don't blame you for not wanting to contribute or otherwise be involved in this, but is it going to negatively impact you in the office if you don't?  If so, you might have to contribute and attend the office shower.

short+sassy

Even worse, I used to work for a company that would shove its political and religious views on everybody.  Just unreal.  They would often send out e-mails encouraging people to sign this petition or that petition located in the lunch room, etc.

And I'm not talking safe topics like "Save the Pandas" (they'd probably be against that anyway, lol).  No, no.  Their favorite rants were about the immorality of abortion and why the Bible should be chosen as the official state book.  This was an engineering firms sooooo...yeah....their industry had nothing to do with those topics. 

photokitty

I side eye collecting work for anything besides funeral flowers, and on occasion I'll let retirement gifts collections slide. I would pitch in unless the boss came to my office to shale me down for money and then I'd play dumb and give him a couple ones.