Help with my sister's wedding

[Deleted User]

I am fortunate to have one of the best sisters ever! She and her FI both are wonderful people and it is so exciting to see how much they love and appreciate each other. They were both previously married and have 7 children between the 2 of them. Right there an intimate wedding count would be at 9 people. We also have a father, and 2 step dads that we see regularly. We also spend time with our half sister, her husband and their 2 children. One of our step dads married a long time friend who has a daughter and the daughter married our cousin -we call her our sister cousin. I don't know his family well but he has a dad, step dad and step mom.

They would like to have an intimate wedding with possibly all of the above people (28 total) and then invite their friends, both families through 1st cousin's children, coworkers (with SO)  and her preschool class with families to a celebration afterwards -fully hosted for the appropriate time of day. In her plan, they would still be in their wedding outfits but there wouldn't be toasts, tosses, 1st dance etc. There would be cake because well, we like cake but it wouldn't necessarily be weddingy. 

Does this work etiquette-wise or has it become tiered ? I know the intimate thing is sort of out the window with the large # of dads but with the exception of our sister cousin, all are immediate family. It sounds like we are trying to make exceptions to the rule but we aren't. If it's not tiered, she'll probably do it. If it is, she'll go back to the drawing board.

Simply Fated

I'm not a fan of intimate ceremonies followed by a larger reception, so I'm biased. Technically it's fine etiquette-wise, but I don't know why. The ceremony is the important part. The reception is to thank the guests for coming to the ceremony. I feel the two portions go together.

However, some people on here disagree with that and it is what it is.

It does seem like your sister is trying to make it intimate, but can't see herself getting married without the important people in her life, which I get.
Is there a reason she wants to keep it intimate? Is there is a reason she wants to celebrate her marriage with people she doesn't want at her marriage ceremony?
Because I think at this point, with the growing number of the reception guest list, she might as well just invite everyone to both.

AprilH81

Etiquette wise you are fine, but the party is the expensive part so if it is just to save money it won't work.

[Deleted User]

I don't really get the intimate wedding thing either but I'm more of a "go big or go home" person.
She has never liked a lot of attention drawn to her and I think a big part of it is so she can focus on the ceremony rather than the crowd. I'm guessing she could do without the party and feel perfectly happily married but wants to thank relatives and friends for supporting their relationship and merging of families. I also feel that she is trying to please the kids, family and friends who are all excited for them and thinks that if they host a party, there would be less of a chance of very well meaning people throwing one for them. Our family throws a party for just about anything and if there isn't one planned, there is a good chance of being invited over and then WOW, surprise party with 50 people there. 

JaxInBlue

Agree with PPs.  Technically, the plan you've laid out is within etiquette, as long as the 28 people represent only a small portion of the reception list.

In my opinion, though, some lines are starting to be blurred (not in a good way) when the preschool class gets invited.  Before she gets her heart set on that idea, she should really consider if such an invitation is within professional standards.  If her preschool is part of a school system or structured work environment, there may be rules she needs to check or permissions she needs to get to invite students to a personal, non-school function.  I don't want to say it's not a nice idea, but there should be some concern that inviting her students might place an awkward burden on some of them and their families if they feel they must attend.  It may be better than she plan to do something special with her class - such as bringing cupcakes for snack - after the wedding itself.

HisGirlFriday13

I also don't get the mentality of intimate ceremonies followed by blow-out receptions. The party is the expensive part, so hosting more people for that is pricier. And if your reasoning against a large ceremony is shyness or whatever, there are still all those people at the reception.

That being said, it's not against etiquette. I wouldn't personally attend one, but it's not tiered, and it's etiquette-approved.

Jen4948

mauraacro said:

I am fortunate to have one of the best sisters ever! She and her FI both are wonderful people and it is so exciting to see how much they love and appreciate each other. They were both previously married and have 7 children between the 2 of them. Right there an intimate wedding count would be at 9 people. We also have a father, and 2 step dads that we see regularly. We also spend time with our half sister, her husband and their 2 children. One of our step dads married a long time friend who has a daughter and the daughter married our cousin -we call her our sister cousin. I don't know his family well but he has a dad, step dad and step mom.

They would like to have an intimate wedding with possibly all of the above people (28 total) and then invite their friends, both families through 1st cousin's children, coworkers (with SO)  and her preschool class with families to a celebration afterwards -fully hosted for the appropriate time of day. In her plan, they would still be in their wedding outfits but there wouldn't be toasts, tosses, 1st dance etc. There would be cake because well, we like cake but it wouldn't necessarily be weddingy. 

Does this work etiquette-wise or has it become tiered ? I know the intimate thing is sort of out the window with the large # of dads but with the exception of our sister cousin, all are immediate family. It sounds like we are trying to make exceptions to the rule but we aren't. If it's not tiered, she'll probably do it. If it is, she'll go back to the drawing board.

While it's not "tiered" because everyone invited to the ceremony is invited to the full reception, I have to agree that tiny intimate ceremonies with big receptions to celebrate with everyone who's not invited to the ceremony doesn't make sense to me.  The point of a "reception" is to receive the guests who attended the ceremony, so it seems to me that absent a Mormon temple ceremony or something where who can attend is limited by the venue or the religion, it makes more sense to invite everyone to the ceremony whom you want to host at a reception to follow.

Also, I don't think it's appropriate for your sister to invite her pre-school class to the celebration.  Her relationships with these kids are professional and not personal and should stay that way.  Not only that, but she would have to also invite their parents to the reception to supervise their kids, and the rules about inviting SOs don't change for the parents of one's students.  That would add a lot of extra people to the guest list that she doesn't have a personal relationship with.

TheGrimReaper

I would not take my pre-school aged child to their teacher's wedding.

TheGrimReaper

I just realized my last post wasn't helpful.  If I were a first cousin of your sister's, and only invited to dinner after, I would not attend.  I'd rather not be invited at all than only invited to the party.

[Deleted User]

Thanks for bringing up good points!
She owns and operates the preschool and a lot of the current kids have had siblings taught by her. She has become close with many of the families throughout the years so it's not quite as odd but I do realize it does seem a bit strange. All of their families and SOs would be invited if she included the class. She isn't close with all but didn't want to exclude anyone either. She may drop that idea altogether if it just sounds like a gift grab though.
It's not so much that she's shy, she does love a good party, just not all eyes on her like it would be at a ceremony, a first dance, cake cutting etc. In their case, it wouldn't cost more to invite everyone to the ceremony, so I know it's not for that reason.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm making excuses or saying that she's a special snowflake, that's not my intention. They want to do it right and asked my advice on if it would work so I knew I could count on you ladies to steer them in the right direction!

TheGrimReaper

Yeah, I definitely see how she's have to invite all the kids so as to not leave anyone out, and I think that's a big push toward not doing it at all.

 

As PPs said, there IS a right way to do it, I just don't know why you would. Another option could be having a VERY small ceremony (honestly, I'd just do my FI and kids) and then a larger, casual party another day.

Jen4948

mauraacro said:

Thanks for bringing up good points!
She owns and operates the preschool and a lot of the current kids have had siblings taught by her. She has become close with many of the families throughout the years so it's not quite as odd but I do realize it does seem a bit strange. All of their families and SOs would be invited if she included the class. She isn't close with all but didn't want to exclude anyone either. She may drop that idea altogether if it just sounds like a gift grab though.
It's not so much that she's shy, she does love a good party, just not all eyes on her like it would be at a ceremony, a first dance, cake cutting etc. In their case, it wouldn't cost more to invite everyone to the ceremony, so I know it's not for that reason.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm making excuses or saying that she's a special snowflake, that's not my intention. They want to do it right and asked my advice on if it would work so I knew I could count on you ladies to steer them in the right direction!

No, she doesn't come off like a special snowflake.  But it's still probably better to exclude all of the class and their families rather than include everyone.

Teddy917

I know rules have changed but when my first grade teacher got married, some students (I don't think all of us were but I could be wrong) were invited. It was fun. My mom (who took me) never saw anything wrong with it. FWIW this was only about 14-15 years ago. I realize times have changed and she should check the rules. Just wanted to throw in my experience. We also all knew her now husband and liked him. We called him Mr. Tall Guy, because he seriously had to walk bent over to not hit the very high ceiling at school.

Simply Fated

mauraacro said:

Thanks for bringing up good points!
She owns and operates the preschool and a lot of the current kids have had siblings taught by her. She has become close with many of the families throughout the years so it's not quite as odd but I do realize it does seem a bit strange. All of their families and SOs would be invited if she included the class. She isn't close with all but didn't want to exclude anyone either. She may drop that idea altogether if it just sounds like a gift grab though.
It's not so much that she's shy, she does love a good party, just not all eyes on her like it would be at a ceremony, a first dance, cake cutting etc. In their case, it wouldn't cost more to invite everyone to the ceremony, so I know it's not for that reason.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm making excuses or saying that she's a special snowflake, that's not my intention. They want to do it right and asked my advice on if it would work so I knew I could count on you ladies to steer them in the right direction!

You said she taught many of them... as a teacher, isn't she used to having all eyes on her?
I totally understand not wanting to be the center of attention, but I'm confused by her using this reason.

tigersgirlgv

Teddy917 said:

I know rules have changed but when my first grade teacher got married, some students (I don't think all of us were but I could be wrong) were invited. It was fun. My mom (who took me) never saw anything wrong with it. FWIW this was only about 14-15 years ago. I realize times have changed and she should check the rules. Just wanted to throw in my experience. We also all knew her now husband and liked him. We called him Mr. Tall Guy, because he seriously had to walk bent over to not hit the very high ceiling at school.

I went to my first grade teacher's wedding, too! There were only a few of us invited and we only went to the ceremony (not sure if we were only invited for that, which would be against etiquette, or if my mom just chose to take me to only that part...). I felt very special getting all dressed up and seeing her get married. But I'm guessing it broke etiquette rules, but at 6 I didn't care.

Teddy917

I only went to the reception. I was invited to both but my mom chose to only take me to the reception. I even got her a candle that my mom helped me pick out and I sat with my teacher's parents. I had a blast. I even got to stay up until the sun set, which was a big deal when you're six.

Jen4948

As cool as that might be to a kid, it still crosses the lines of professionalism and in other respects makes things difficult logistically.  Your sister should make her and their lives easier and just not invite them.

[Deleted User]

Crap, I think I etiquette(d) myself out of my sister's wedding! It completely makes sense for it to be just them and their children. If they invite me, they need to invite my husband, possibly my sons, then our half sister, then the dads...Apparently I am the special snowflake, I really want to go to the wedding and am having a temper tantrum in my head about it. And whining to my dogs how I should get to go. The dogs won't tell my sister, either will I, it is about their family and I will be happy for them. I AM happy for them.

Every few weeks I do a cooking class at the preschool. I think what I may do when it gets closer to the time or after the wedding, is to have the kids make "wedding" cakes and celebrate then. I'll suggest that.

Thanks!