Not Engaged Yet

Need advice from NEY people

I know I'm not really a reg here, but I need advice from other people who aren't engaged yet, so I hope you don't mind me posting this.

I have a friend, A, who has recently started seeing this new guy, R. She is convinced he is The One. Since they met, they've spent virtually every day together, and since they made it 'official' on FB, they haven't spent one single night apart.

By 'recently' I mean...they met mid-April. And that's fine, I'm not judging. DH and I had our first date in August, made it 'official' in October, got engaged in December, and got married the following October. I understand quick engagements.

However...in the time I have known my friend (we used to be co-workers), she has dated five or six guys, all of whom are 'The One.' She just turned 28, she's watching all her college friends get married, and she really wants to be married, be a SAHM, be a part-time Zumba instructor, and raise babies. And there's nothing WRONG with that.

But I worry that she's rushing. I worry that she's so anxious to get married she's rushing toward that and not enjoying the dating/getting to know you period that this time is for her. 

And I don't know how to tell her that because every time someone even slightly suggests that she might be moving too fast, she accuses them of being jealous and judgemental and not 'understanding' her.

/rant
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I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

Re: Need advice from NEY people

  • I agree with @KeptInStitches, all you can really do is be there for her in the event that this doesn't work out. I have a friend and co-worker who is sort of similar and was saying the same things last spring/summer; all I could do was remind her that I cared about her being happy, and then help her move out of his apartment less than a month after she moved in with him. Obviously not saying that your friend will end up in the same situation, but if she gets angry about people questioning her then there probably isn't much you can do for her.

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  • I'm going to add to this - Keep inviting her out, stay her friend even if she's not accepting your offers for girl's night or to do things.  It stinks that she'll probably decline you much more than accepting your invites, but just be there for her and make her know she's still your friend and accepted.


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  • She just sent me a link to a BM dress. And she asked me to help her price venues for a Fall 2015 wedding.

    This is so not gonna end well.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • A pastor friend of mine once observed that it's easier to stop a moving train than to stop a couple who has decided they're going to get married. And I think he's right.

    I agree with the PPs that there's probably no way to talk her down. Being a good friend now, and being there to pick up the pieces when it doesn't end well, is probably the best you can do.
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  • Yep you kinda just have to be there either way. It's tough but it's part of being a friend to a crazy person :) I had a friend like this also and he's still married. So I mean it could work too. Arranged marriages even work sometimes
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • She just sent me a link to a BM dress. And she asked me to help her price venues for a Fall 2015 wedding.

    This is so not gonna end well.
    For that one, just tell her to hold off until closer to the actual wedding and that BM dresses shouldn't be picked out until 4-6 months out (same with BMs).

    As far as her asking about venues, that's a little trickier.  This is where I think I would push back a little on 'does he know you're already planning?' - because before you can pick out a venue you need to know budget and an approximate size of wedding, so she'd have to sit down with him and come up with a tentative guest list.

    If she comes back and says she's just pre-planning or 'playing', tell her to slow down and enjoy the relationship.  That new-relationship-feeling only happens once where you're learning about each other - it's an exciting time!


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  • She just sent me a link to a BM dress. And she asked me to help her price venues for a Fall 2015 wedding.

    This is so not gonna end well.
    For that one, just tell her to hold off until closer to the actual wedding and that BM dresses shouldn't be picked out until 4-6 months out (same with BMs).

    As far as her asking about venues, that's a little trickier.  This is where I think I would push back a little on 'does he know you're already planning?' - because before you can pick out a venue you need to know budget and an approximate size of wedding, so she'd have to sit down with him and come up with a tentative guest list.

    If she comes back and says she's just pre-planning or 'playing', tell her to slow down and enjoy the relationship.  That new-relationship-feeling only happens once where you're learning about each other - it's an exciting time!
    I have tried that, gently. She comes back with, 'He said he loves me, and he said it first. I'm not rushing things.'

    Uhm....my ex said 'I love you' first, too, and he still ended up being a douchenozzle. 

    I'm just trying to get her to enjoy what this is -- a new, fun, exciting relationship! -- without rushing into the next step.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    "He loves me!" isn't an answer to, "Does he know that you're planning?" Sounds like the answer is, no, he doesn't know she's planning. I'd push on that a little more, and I'd go as far as saying, "I know that he loves you, but that wasn't what I asked you. Does he know you're planning?" and if he doesn't know, then something like, "Is there a reason you're hiding this from him?"

    I'd just bean dip the shit out of her with wedding planning stuff. I wouldn't stop spending time with her ... unless bean dip was entirely ineffective, in which case, I'd scale back and not hang out unless she asked.

    She's clearly moving too fast and I think she knows it. What concerns me isn't that she's pretty sure he's The One (even if I feel like The One is a really silly concept). It's that she's unbelievably defensive when people express concern. Like, if your friends say, "We're worried that you're moving too fast," and you don't really feel the same way, you ask what they mean and you let them voice their concerns. You can also explain, "I understand that you feel that way, but I'm really very happy." You don't get defensive and all, "You're JUST JEALOUS."

    So I'd just wait for this to play out, however it'll play out.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • Am I to understand that this girl is preplanning a wedding...to someone she met roughly 3 WEEKS ago?
    Yep, that would be correct. They met on or about April 11, they made it FB official the week of April 14 (so, about three days later), they haven't spent the night apart since then, they spend all or part of every day together, and she is moving things into his place (which he shares with three roommates).

    Meanwhile, she has chosen BM dresses, she is scouting venues (preferably wineries), she is looking at houses for them to buy (because of their animals), and she is pre-planning their ceremony and reception.

    So....yeah. I just smile and nod a lot, and hang out with her when I can, and am bracing myself for the fallout.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Not to be TOTALLY disrespectful, but I have actually gone longer than that in between taking shits.
    Thank you, shoes, I just spit water all over the keyboard I just cleaned this morning. :)
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I have one of these. She's one of my very best friends and her impetuous nature is one of the reasons I love her and one of the reasons she drives me insane. She's currently in a similar situation where she moved in with someone after being official for 2 mins. She's also barely a year out from a marriage that lasted 8 months. Like the others have said, be there for her. She asks my opinion, I tell her my concerns and ask the hard questions like @loves2shop4shoes said. She knows no matter my opinion on the relationship and no matter what way it goes I will be by her side as a friend.


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  • @hisgirlfriday13 my friend from above...his wife moved in less than a week after they had MET.  She moved from Florida to Mississippi, away from all her friends and family.

    She was, and is, psycho.  I really worry about the preplanning values she is going to teach their daughter.


    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • Your friend sounds like she is certainly getting ahead of herself. I was in a similar situation in which an acquaintance asked my friends and I if she and her BF made the perfect couple/definitely saw them getting married (they were official for less than a month). My friend's response was: "do you want me to be a good friend, or do you want me to be honest?" Even my friend had told the truth (no, I think its too soon to tell, and you probably should wait to get married), my acquaintance wouldn't hear it. She would have gone off on him and said that he was just jealous/being critical because he "doesn't know what love is". The acquaintance and her BF were married at the eight month mark of their relationship and their marriage lasted three months total. 

     Either way, your friend is looking for a desirable answer, and anyone who doesn't agree with her is "attacking her relationship". Because of this, err on the side of caution if she ever asks for your opinion about her relationship. I know its best to be honest, but she is probably unable to handle the truth at this time. 

    Unfortunately, we have to allow people to make their own mistakes. We get to stand by the sidelines to watch what we see as a train wreck, and only hope for the best. If a person is hellbent on doing something, its rare that they will listen to others let alone heed the advice given to them. If they are that determined, they will go through with whatever plan they have concocted. In the end the only thing you can do is be a good friend. If she starts bringing up wedding plans, PPs have suggested great ideas (bean dipping, saying oh bridesmaids dresses shouldn't be picked out until 6 months before the wedding, etc.) in order to discourage pre-planning without sounding critical. 

    I sincerely hope that she slows her roll soon. Keep us updated. 





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