FI going back to school

blabla89

Another thread over on NEY got me thinking about this and I'm sure some of you ladies have good advice.

FI and I have been talking about going back to school lately. Both of us have been considering a MBA, but in terms of financing and career advancement it really only makes sense for him right now, and not for me. He would probably do a weekend program and continue to work full time. He recently told me that he's thinking he wants to start in January 2016, which would be about 8 months after we get married. I'm concerned that this would be a lot of stress in our first year of marriage (it will also be our first time living together) and he won't be around very much. Even if he only has class on Saturday, I'm sure he'll have homework and group projects to juggle on weekdays, plus he would have to start taking a calculus class and all the GMAT prep stuff very shortly after the wedding.

Am I worrying too much here? Have any of you ladies been through this? If so, how did you handle it? I know we need to just talk about it, but I don't want to come across as unsupportive or anything.

VulgarGirl

FI did law school while I did grad school. It was very hard and very stressful for both of us. Even though my program wasn't as difficult as her's, it was still a lot to handle. We also moved into our own place at the same time (we'd been living with roommates) and were officially...grown ups. 

We came through it though and in the long run, we were better for it. Go in knowing it's going to be stressful. It's not going to be the last stressful thing to deal with in your marriage either. Prepare yourself for him to have to focus more on school then on you, but remind yourself that it's temporary. 

If you're doing pre-marital counseling, this would be a great way to talk about how you'll deal with stressors in the marriage.

afox007

It is totally understandable that you are worried about this and while it won't be easy for him to go back to school for a Master's, it is doable. FI recently got his Master' and had class on ground about an hour away two nights a week and every other Saturday. This was on top of a 40 hour a week job and we had both his son and former step daughter living with us. It takes sacrifices, but it can also make your relationship stronger. 

My biggest suggestion is it is important to schedule time together. We didn't at first and then realized we had gone almost two weeks without really spending time together. We made a commitment to have a weekly Friday date night no matter what. Spending that time alone really helped. 

emmaaa

FI went back to school once I graduated. Granted, it is not for an MBA which assuredly requires more time, but we make it work. I think he likes that he has me to lean on and look to for encouragement. Is it easy? No. He works part time to help out but we still struggle financially sometimes. Occasionally, he is in a bad mood because he is stressed. 

However, it is all worth it. He FINALLY knows what he wants to do as a career and is actually enjoying school. I love seeing him work so hard for something he loves. It will also pay off in the long run when we get married and have a family. 

He graduates 5 months after we get married and we had to plan our wedding around his school schedule, work schedule and my work schedule. 

phira

I'm in graduate school now, but I'm full-time as a student. My partner is considering going for his masters (while working full-time), and he'd be applying around the time we're getting married (Fall 2014) for a September 2015 start.

I think that no matter when someone is working towards a degree while working full-time, it'll be hard. It'll certainly be easier after the wedding than before it, if that helps. I do think that because you'd only just have moved in together that it will be more stressful than if you had already been living together. However, it's still doable.

Aray82

Not personally, but I teach a LOT of adult students (as in coming back to school much older than 18, with kids and/or full-time jobs) and have several friends who have done this. FI and I are both students, but I teach only part-time and he's on fellowship so we basically just treat our schedules like 9-5/6, when possible. I think you're right to be worried and honestly, I wish more people thought about the time commitment and even just about the fact that you have to re-learn some habits from college even if you're really strong in this subject area--just little things like learning how to study efficiently and having the discipline to sit down and start writing a paper, etc.

That said, if you're both aware of the commitment, you'll be well-prepared to handle your own work and support each other's. Having talks about your schedules frequently will help. Plan something fun to do on Saturday night after FI goes to the library for a day of studying. It really helps me when I can plan something with friends and/or FI to look forward to. Talk about goals for the weekend in terms of school, what he has to do in terms of school and what you'd both ideally like to do if time permits. Make sure to have some date nights where you don't talk about school. If you live near FI's family, make sure they understand that there will be some times where you can't be at every event you're invited to. 

Work space is also important. If he doesn't have some type of office-space where he can go off by himself and work, it might be good to stay at school, or go to a public library or coffee shop. Both me and FI like to separate our work/home spaces so that the stress of school isn't brought into the living room and kitchen. 

Also, it helps if you're supportive of his developing an additional social life around school as well--even if it's just coming with him to go out for post-class drinks with other new students. With the students in my grad program, there seems to be a general pattern that people whose SOs are also actively engaged with the folks in the program actually tend to be more successful academically than those who are always attending events by themselves, having to check in with SOs, etc. It's just something I've observed during the 8 years that my programs have taken. For an MBA program, there will likely be some networking events he may want you to attend with him, and also it's just good to have an informal support system of classmates you can vent to and study with.

 

All in all, as long as you're prepared and know it'll be an adjustment, which it sounds like you are, this should work out well. GL to your FI!

mellowmarshmallow

I decided to go back for my PhD after H and I had been married (and living together) less than 2 years. It is rough. I work full time, take evening classes, and have job commitments outside of 9-5 that I have to do, too. The thing that makes all the difference for us is that we are both the introverted type who consider it quality time together when we are both in the same room, even working on different tasks. I can be writing a paper and he can be playing video games, but we can still interact. I have classmates who choose not to take summer courses so they can spend at least those couple months with their partner without any school obligations. My goal is to get out a.s.a.p. and my H agrees, so I take summer classes. Like any big decision you make as a couple, you have to know what works for you. What is the best part about your relationship? What would you miss most if it changes? If the answers to those questions would be compromised or eliminated by starting back to grad school, then you need to be wary. I'm not saying don't do it, but be careful and plan around what both of you need from the relationship- whether it's a date night or time for hobbies or whatever.

SapphireCounselor

lalalaurita said:

Another thread over on NEY got me thinking about this and I'm sure some of you ladies have good advice.

FI and I have been talking about going back to school lately. Both of us have been considering a MBA, but in terms of financing and career advancement it really only makes sense for him right now, and not for me. He would probably do a weekend program and continue to work full time. He recently told me that he's thinking he wants to start in January 2016, which would be about 8 months after we get married. I'm concerned that this would be a lot of stress in our first year of marriage (it will also be our first time living together) and he won't be around very much. Even if he only has class on Saturday, I'm sure he'll have homework and group projects to juggle on weekdays, plus he would have to start taking a calculus class and all the GMAT prep stuff very shortly after the wedding.

Am I worrying too much here? Have any of you ladies been through this? If so, how did you handle it? I know we need to just talk about it, but I don't want to come across as unsupportive or anything.

This will be an exciting and stressful time for you guys. I agree that this would be a great thing to talk about during pre-marital counseling if you guys are doing that. I can only give you my own going-back-to school experience. I actually moved two hours away from my DH (FI at the time) to earn my M.S. It was stressful, but so worth it!  It also made our relationship stronger, I think.

wandajune6

I split with a bf of 5 years while doing my MBA full time (he was working full time in a high strews jog). We met when he was doing his full-time while I worked. We didn't work out in large part because he expected that nothing would change while I was in school. Suddenly, I wasn't making dinner every night, he had to pick up his own dry cleaning, and he needed to help more.

FI's about to go back to school (finish his bachelors) but we talked about it a LOT first. The division of labor will be much different and there's a lot more pressure on the person left working. It's going to be tough and we both know that we're going to have to work a lot harder to make things work.

It's scary but it's doable if you're both invested in the result and can keep the communication going when things get tough.

blabla89

Sorry to P&R - my office got crazy busy today. Thanks so much for all of the perspective. I'm really grateful for everyone's input, especially those who have been in similar circumstances. I'm sure we will definitely talk about it in counseling (although I secretly hope he'll decide to start in August 2016).

@TwoDimes congratulations to both of you!

LadyMillil

I've been in grad school the whole time DH and I have been together (MSc now PhD). I find that I am more focused on my work than a lot of the other students and waste less time during the day because I want to get everything done and have time to spend with DH. I found having a separate study space (we have a 1 bedroom plus den condo and I use the den as an office) and making time for each other and yourself helped. For example, we make an effort to do something together 1 night a week and I go to yoga by myself 1-2 times a week. 

In regards to house stuff - chores, errands and cooking - we have a "her jobs" and "his jobs" list and a time frame that each thing needs to be done by. Ex. He does the dishes. They need to be done by dinner time the following day. Whenever I know I have a busy time at school coming up I let him know and we shift some of my jobs to his list.

DH is planning on going back to school for either a Master's or law degree. He has been out of school for a long time now. He is having trouble getting back into the school mode. He is starting to get back into school by taking 1 class, making a study schedule", and going to the library to get away from all the distractions at home. 

Good luck with everything! Scheduling will be your friend!

lovesclimbing

lalalaurita said:

Another thread over on NEY got me thinking about this and I'm sure some of you ladies have good advice.

FI and I have been talking about going back to school lately. Both of us have been considering a MBA, but in terms of financing and career advancement it really only makes sense for him right now, and not for me. He would probably do a weekend program and continue to work full time. He recently told me that he's thinking he wants to start in January 2016, which would be about 8 months after we get married. I'm concerned that this would be a lot of stress in our first year of marriage (it will also be our first time living together) and he won't be around very much. Even if he only has class on Saturday, I'm sure he'll have homework and group projects to juggle on weekdays, plus he would have to start taking a calculus class and all the GMAT prep stuff very shortly after the wedding.

Am I worrying too much here? Have any of you ladies been through this? If so, how did you handle it? I know we need to just talk about it, but I don't want to come across as unsupportive or anything.

Yes, I think you're probably worrying a bit much. I got married half way through my junior year. (Just graduated yesterday, woooo!)  We also had not lived together before getting married.  Spring semester started three weeks after the wedding.

It can be tough at times. There's homework, and you can't leave work at work.  However, you just have to make time (ETA: to be with each other.)

For me, I tried, as much as possible, to do my homework in the evenings while H was gone, because he works a night shift. Except for close to finals, when I was doing homework and final projects about 24/7.

Is it stressful at times, yes, but it's totally doable. 

ShadeofGreen816

I don't think you're worrying too much. I think the fact that you're thinking about it means you're more likely to make it work!

 I am starting grad school 8 days after our wedding… Eeek! I already work an irregular schedule (3 12/13-hr days per week with 4 days "off") so that will help us scheduling wise, since I can get a lot done on the days that FI is at work and I'm at home. But we've talked about it a lot and discussed FI working some more (he is self employed and, therefore, has some control over his income) so that I can move to part-time near the end of my program when things get more difficult.

I actually had a relationship that I think was ruined in part by me getting my second bachelor's degree. I assumed that it wasn't going to be a difficult program - I was wrong - and we didn't make many changes to make sure that my stress levels didn't affect our relationship. However, this was a relationship that was for sure not going to work no matter what.

I guess I don't have a lot of valuable advice other than, I think it's doable but don't underestimate the work or yourselves and make sure to keep lots of open communication! Best of luck to you both!!

Blergbot

FI will be so happy when I'm done with my program. It's fine until around finals...then there's at least 3 weeks where I'm so stressed out that it's contageous and things like doing the dishes totally go out the window. I should really consider whether I should put him through a PhD and a life in academia. But what else am I gonna do?