I've been sick for a couple of days now, I'm stressed out because I haven't heard back from the job I applied for last week and there doesn't seem to be anything else going that I'm qualified for (there are plenty of listings, but they're all for food, agriculture, or engineering with min 3 years exp required), and I'm still trying to catch up on chores since we moved in here. So I kinda had a meltdown about EVERYTHING the other night.
I've mentioned before that FI's uncle is a priest, and that the FILs insisted that Uncle perform our ceremony. FI and I decided we would consider it, IF Uncle was prepared to act as a civil officiant. It's not uncommon for priests and ministers to do that here in SA, because one cannot be registered as a marriage officer with Home Affairs without the sponsorship of a religious institution. At least not until very recently, if the law has changed at all. FI called Uncle, who agreed to meet with us and discuss the possibility.
We met with Uncle in March, and were basically railroaded into having a Catholic ceremony. At the time, I told FI that I was not comfortable with it, but we were still living with the FILs, so I didn't push the issue. Then I sort of convinced myself that it would be okay, because I love FI, and I want to marry him, and I don't want to cause drama with his family.
I told FI that I really don't feel comfortable going through with a ceremony for a faith that neither of us believe in. Yes, we're both Catholic in the sense that our parents are/were and we were both baptised in the Catholic church, but that's where it stops for FI. I asked him on Monday if he even believes in the tenets of the Catholic faith and his response was "I don't know what they are". He did not make First Communion, he's never said Confession. He does not consider himself Catholic. I was raised in the Catholic church as far as Confirmation, but I no longer believe in or agree with the church. The last time I set foot in a Catholic church was my sister's first wedding 6 years ago, and I'd only attended mass once in the 5 years before that. I am not Catholic, and even when I was a practising Catholic, I never saw myself having a Catholic ceremony.
Aside from the fact of our disbelief rendering any religious vows or statements made during the ceremony absolutely meaningless to us, I really don't think it's appropriate or fair to go through with it. It's rude to Uncle, to our Catholic family members, and to everyone who DOES believe. If we were to go through with the Catholic ceremony, I would spend the entire duration of the ceremony thinking "This isn't right. I don't believe this. We're making a mockery of ourselves, the Church, our guests..." and I would really rather be focusing on the fact that I'm marrying the most important person in my life.
Anyway, when I explained all this to FI (again), he said he also agrees that it isn't really appropriate. He apologised because he said Uncle had given him the impression that a civil ceremony was an option, and that if he'd known it wasn't, we would never even have met with Uncle. So he spent a good deal of yesterday trying to get Uncle on the phone to tell him that we've decided that we can't, in good conscience, have a Catholic ceremony. Obviously he couldn't get through, so he's trying again today. And he's probably going to have to deal with some backlash from his parents, but honestly we're both past caring.
The one thing that nearly everyone has told us from the moment we announced our engagement is "Have the wedding that YOU want and don't try to please anyone else," except that the very people who've been telling us that are the ones who've been pushing us to do X, Y, and Z. Well sorry for them. We're only getting married once, we're going to have the wedding that WE want to have. That means a civil ceremony at our favourite restaurant, with the music we like, the food we like, the colours we like, the people we like, and no freaking flowers. Anyone who doesn't like that doesn't have to come.
Okay, I think my Bridezilla moment has passed.
Anyway, this whole thing got me thinking. There are no civil marriage officers in our region. Non-religious couples apparently have to get married at Home Affairs, convince a priest or minister to perform a civil ceremony, or have a civil marriage officer come in from OOS. Once FI's dealt with everything on his side, I'll get hold of my former boss who is a marriage officer and ask her to officiate. She was a minister when she "qualified", had a crisis of faith, is no longer in the church, but is still registered as a marriage officer with HA.
So I decided to look into becoming a marriage officer, not to make money or anything (SA law prohibits marriage officers charging any fee though they may accept donations to cover travel, accommodation, food etc), but because I know there are plenty of non-religious couples around here, or who would like to get married in the area because it's absolutely beautiful, and I don't think it's fair that their options are HA, church, or OOS officiant...
But I'm getting a lot of conflicting information about whether or not a "church" sponsorship is still necessary for applicants or not. I know there's an exam involved to cover all the legal info etc. There seems to be a company offering courses in Cape Town, but Cape Town's a heck of a long way away (like, 2 days by bus because we don't have a commercial airport). It seems UNISA used to offer a course, but doesn't any more. You would think that someone somewhere in Gauteng would also offer a course, but apparently not. Which is a pity because Gauteng is infinitely closer. Why does South Africa make everything so freaking difficult?
Anyway. I'm not really looking for advice or anything, just trying to get this all off my chest so I don't blow up at FI again. So feel free to ignore this.
PS. I still can't post from my phone, so I once again have computer hooked up THROUGH phone. I have no idea what's going on with the formatting. Crazy fonts etc.