MOH Problems

arrippa

So, background first-we have been friends for 15 years. She has been married for eight and she has a two year old son (for lack of better term-my godson).

I am getting to the breaking point in our friendship. Since she has been married, it's been nothing but drama. First, it was marital problems, then trying to have a baby and now major problems with family. It seems like every phone call, every email is her complaining or venting about something (usually their family). She never asks about my life and when I manage to say something about me, she brings it back to her problems. I use to watch tv or surf the internet on her phone calls, because it was always the same problems over and over (I am a bad friend, I know!). I am just getting email and email about her parents and their problems and I just can't handle it anymore.

I am afraid to say something because her DH is not a forgiving person and very controlling. She has lost contact with all her friends and their family (she doesn't even speak to either of their parents or siblings anymore) except me (which is why she is coming to me with all her problems). I am trying to be understanding and a good friend but I just can't deal with all this stuff anymore.

I don't know if I should say something and deal with the unforgiving wraith of her DH or continue to deal with her drama. I have recommended couseling but her DH refuses to go, "saying they don't need it" even though she would go. At this point, I am at a total loss on what to do.

climbingsingle

I was married 10 years ago, when I was 24. My MOH had been my best friend for years. Soon after, my now ex-husband and I started having major problems. We eventually separated and then divorced. MOH lived in Philly and I in NY so we only really had the phone. I leaned on her for support during what was a really hard time in my life. 

My MOH eventually stopped calling me. It hurt, more than I can put into words. When I saw her pop up on Facebook about 5 years ago, I messaged her. Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? Why did our friendship die? 

She came back and told me that my divorce was too much "drama" for her. And you know what? At that very moment, I was so happy that she actually removed herself from my life. Friends are supposed to support each other during difficult times. And she obviously was a shitty, fair-weather friend. The friends that mattered and that cared about me stuck around. 

You, my dear, sound so much like my MOH. 

arrippa

My out of date browser at work won't let me update my original post.

Sorry, this was a vent. I just got inundated with emails from her this morning. I am so frustrated that I want to cry and not respond to her at all. I am going to back to my happy place and read the Emily Henderson blog.

arrippa

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I was married 10 years ago, when I was 24. My MOH had been my best friend for years. Soon after, my now ex-husband and I started having major problems. We eventually separated and then divorced. MOH lived in Philly and I in NY so we only really had the phone. I leaned on her for support during what was a really hard time in my life. 

My MOH eventually stopped calling me. It hurt, more than I can put into words. When I saw her pop up on Facebook about 5 years ago, I messaged her. Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? Why did our friendship die? 

She came back and told me that my divorce was too much "drama" for her. And you know what? At that very moment, I was so happy that she actually removed herself from my life. Friends are supposed to support each other during difficult times. And she obviously was a shitty, fair-weather friend. The friends that mattered and that cared about me stuck around. 

You, my dear, sound so much like my MOH. 

But if friends are suppose to support each other, why won't she support me? I have problems that she never listens or responds to. Why is it always about her?

climbingsingle

arrippa said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I was married 10 years ago, when I was 24. My MOH had been my best friend for years. Soon after, my now ex-husband and I started having major problems. We eventually separated and then divorced. MOH lived in Philly and I in NY so we only really had the phone. I leaned on her for support during what was a really hard time in my life. 

My MOH eventually stopped calling me. It hurt, more than I can put into words. When I saw her pop up on Facebook about 5 years ago, I messaged her. Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? Why did our friendship die? 

She came back and told me that my divorce was too much "drama" for her. And you know what? At that very moment, I was so happy that she actually removed herself from my life. Friends are supposed to support each other during difficult times. And she obviously was a shitty, fair-weather friend. The friends that mattered and that cared about me stuck around. 

You, my dear, sound so much like my MOH. 

But if friends are suppose to support each other, why won't she support me? I have problems that she never listens or responds to. Why is it always about her?

What do you need support with? The wedding? Because that's what your FI is for. 

Listen, it sounds like your MOH if going through a very tough time. And sometimes being a good friend means putting your own shit on the back burner and doing whatever you can to help/support your friend. 

HisGirlFriday13

You can only do so much. And while I realise this was meant as a vent, @ClimbingBrideNY raises a good point -- your friend is trapped in what sounds like an abusive, horrible marriage.

She is isolated from her friends and family (other than you) by a controlling DH who doesn't think they need counselling. She is reaching out to you because you're the only lifeline she has left.

You can certainly cut ties with her, and cut her out of your life. And that's your decision. I have a (now former) friend whom I did that with because everything was drama, all the time, and I got sick of the (forgive me for sounding judgemental), white-trash drama she had (her neighbour had a dog that barked too much and her husband shot it, then he got arrested; her husband got arrested for pulling a gun on a black kid in the movie theatre and calling him the N-word; her husband got arrested for beating the paper boy; her husband this, that, and the other thing, but it was always the other person's fault, never his, he was just misunderstood.)

So I cut ties, and it's been the best decision ever, because she didn't actually WANT to improve her life, she just wanted to bitch about people who'd done her man wrong.

It sounds like your friend is still reaching out to you for help. Think about that before you cut her out entirely.

KGold80

arrippa said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I was married 10 years ago, when I was 24. My MOH had been my best friend for years. Soon after, my now ex-husband and I started having major problems. We eventually separated and then divorced. MOH lived in Philly and I in NY so we only really had the phone. I leaned on her for support during what was a really hard time in my life. 

My MOH eventually stopped calling me. It hurt, more than I can put into words. When I saw her pop up on Facebook about 5 years ago, I messaged her. Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? Why did our friendship die? 

She came back and told me that my divorce was too much "drama" for her. And you know what? At that very moment, I was so happy that she actually removed herself from my life. Friends are supposed to support each other during difficult times. And she obviously was a shitty, fair-weather friend. The friends that mattered and that cared about me stuck around. 

You, my dear, sound so much like my MOH. 

But if friends are suppose to support each other, why won't she support me? I have problems that she never listens or responds to. Why is it always about her?

Sometimes when people are going through a lot of stuff, they can't see the forest for the trees. They get very wrapped up in whatever is going on in their own life and have a hard time focusing attention elsewhere. Have you talked to her about how you feel?

arrippa

ClimbingBrideNY said:

arrippa said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I was married 10 years ago, when I was 24. My MOH had been my best friend for years. Soon after, my now ex-husband and I started having major problems. We eventually separated and then divorced. MOH lived in Philly and I in NY so we only really had the phone. I leaned on her for support during what was a really hard time in my life. 

My MOH eventually stopped calling me. It hurt, more than I can put into words. When I saw her pop up on Facebook about 5 years ago, I messaged her. Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? Why did our friendship die? 

She came back and told me that my divorce was too much "drama" for her. And you know what? At that very moment, I was so happy that she actually removed herself from my life. Friends are supposed to support each other during difficult times. And she obviously was a shitty, fair-weather friend. The friends that mattered and that cared about me stuck around. 

You, my dear, sound so much like my MOH. 

But if friends are suppose to support each other, why won't she support me? I have problems that she never listens or responds to. Why is it always about her?

What do you need support with? The wedding? Because that's what your FI is for. 

Listen, it sounds like your MOH if going through a very tough time. And sometimes being a good friend means putting your own shit on the back burner and doing whatever you can to help/support your friend. 

This has nothing to do with the wedding. I needed support five year ago when I was fired from my job or when my ex Fi and I broke up.  I would mention on the phone and he would say "oh, that's too bad" but guess what my DH did" kind of stuff. I have always been there for her and have never said anything remotely not supportive to her.

climbingsingle

arrippa said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

arrippa said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I was married 10 years ago, when I was 24. My MOH had been my best friend for years. Soon after, my now ex-husband and I started having major problems. We eventually separated and then divorced. MOH lived in Philly and I in NY so we only really had the phone. I leaned on her for support during what was a really hard time in my life. 

My MOH eventually stopped calling me. It hurt, more than I can put into words. When I saw her pop up on Facebook about 5 years ago, I messaged her. Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? Why did our friendship die? 

She came back and told me that my divorce was too much "drama" for her. And you know what? At that very moment, I was so happy that she actually removed herself from my life. Friends are supposed to support each other during difficult times. And she obviously was a shitty, fair-weather friend. The friends that mattered and that cared about me stuck around. 

You, my dear, sound so much like my MOH. 

But if friends are suppose to support each other, why won't she support me? I have problems that she never listens or responds to. Why is it always about her?

What do you need support with? The wedding? Because that's what your FI is for. 

Listen, it sounds like your MOH if going through a very tough time. And sometimes being a good friend means putting your own shit on the back burner and doing whatever you can to help/support your friend. 

This has nothing to do with the wedding. I needed support five year ago when I was fired from my job or when my ex Fi and I broke up.  I would mention on the phone and he would say "oh, that's too bad" but guess what my DH did" kind of stuff. I have always been there for her and have never said anything remotely not supportive to her.

So if she's been this way for years, why would you expect her to change? And if you're saying she's always been a shitty friend, why are you still friends with her? 

beethery

Your friend obviously needs someone to talk to, and you might suggest to her that she seek counseling on her own, since her H is not into that. I wouldn't cut her out right now, because it sounds like you are the last straw she has to grasp on to make her way out.

There are lots of counselors at battered women's shelters who would probably meet with her on the DL so that nothing starts up with her H. She can talk to them and get an unbiased POV discussion, and still talk to you.

She needs your help, and I realize that being someone's only outlet is a big responsibility, it would do you well to stay in her life. She might not be thinking of your issues, because it sounds likes she's juggling some very full plates.

littlemushroom

Marital problems, trying to have a baby problems, and major problems with family are not trivial little things or her trying to create drama.  They are actual life changing issues.  I can understand being frustrated if she was creating or imagining issues and drama, but that is not what this is.

 From your description of her controlling H and how she is not in contact with pretty much anyone else who could provide support to her, it sounds like she needs a good friend more than ever.  You probably have other people you can lean on for support.  She doesn't.  

The problem doesn't appear to be her.  Be a good friend and provide the support she needs.

arrippa

ClimbingBrideNY said:

arrippa said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

arrippa said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I was married 10 years ago, when I was 24. My MOH had been my best friend for years. Soon after, my now ex-husband and I started having major problems. We eventually separated and then divorced. MOH lived in Philly and I in NY so we only really had the phone. I leaned on her for support during what was a really hard time in my life. 

My MOH eventually stopped calling me. It hurt, more than I can put into words. When I saw her pop up on Facebook about 5 years ago, I messaged her. Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? Why did our friendship die? 

She came back and told me that my divorce was too much "drama" for her. And you know what? At that very moment, I was so happy that she actually removed herself from my life. Friends are supposed to support each other during difficult times. And she obviously was a shitty, fair-weather friend. The friends that mattered and that cared about me stuck around. 

You, my dear, sound so much like my MOH. 

But if friends are suppose to support each other, why won't she support me? I have problems that she never listens or responds to. Why is it always about her?

What do you need support with? The wedding? Because that's what your FI is for. 

Listen, it sounds like your MOH if going through a very tough time. And sometimes being a good friend means putting your own shit on the back burner and doing whatever you can to help/support your friend. 

This has nothing to do with the wedding. I needed support five year ago when I was fired from my job or when my ex Fi and I broke up.  I would mention on the phone and he would say "oh, that's too bad" but guess what my DH did" kind of stuff. I have always been there for her and have never said anything remotely not supportive to her.

So if she's been this way for years, why would you expect her to change? And if you're saying she's always been a shitty friend, why are you still friends with her? 

Because we have been friends for 15 years and I am scared for her. If I cut ties (which is NOT what I am doing) then she has no one.  I just need to come up with ways to talk to her that could help her. She never listens to me that she needs to see a counselor (her DH won't allow it). I don't know what else to do.

Maggie0829

OP, I don't think you are being a shitty friend.  I think you have reached the breaking point in the friendship though.  You know how your friend is and always has been.  You know that she is always caught up in her own life and can't seem to take a moment to take off the blinders and realize when you may have been in need for some support.

I get that you don't want to leave her all alone but she is an adult and if you have tried to help her with her issues and nothing ever changes then I think it is time to just back away.  She needs to figure out how to deal with her own life and problems on her own.  You know the old say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.  That is where you are with your friend.

smalfrie19

I see both sides of it. I had a friend who always had something going on in her life. She wanted more babies and her H didn't. She wanted to get rid of her dog, and then she didn't. It was always back and forth and back and forth. I tried to supply her with the best support and advice I could, and she never listened. She was condescending and was like "you have to have kids to understand" and blah blah blah. Eventually I had had enough and I cut ties. I understand what its like to have someone heap all their problems on you. Its really tough. Its emotionally draining and you get wrapped up in the stress of their problems and they weigh on you.

But at the same time, its sounds like you are all she has and her life line. Its a hard line to walk IMO

arrippa

Everyone has made some great points. Sometimes, I need feedback from people outside the situation. I am not planning on doing anything right now. I was just feeling very overwhelmed with all her emails this morning and had a reaction. 

As for why we are still friends, I worry and care about her. I have always offered my place if she needed a place to go. She knows this. She just refuses to talk to anyone or do anything differently. I am frustrated by that.

flyingfoxes

That's a tough situation.  You have a right to stand up for yourself, you're not just obligated to be a good friend.  It's frustrating watching somebody keep complaining about the same things, but doing nothing to improve the situation. 

I stopped being friends with my ex-best friend about 6 years ago.  Her husband is an asshat, and was borderline abusive to her, mentally.  Actually one of our mutual friends was shocked when we dropped her off at her house after a night out when she'd lost her keys, he reached out and grabbed her shirt and yanked her back into the house.  I told this mutual friend that this wasn't the first time he'd been like that.  Anyway, the final straws came when they ruined plans for TWO events that I had in a week (Nickelback concert, her sister gave her her ticket, and when I was sitting there alone when the show started and she texted me to ask who was I texting, and I realized that she'd bought a ticket for him in a different section and had left ME to sit alone), then Phantom of the Opera, he decided to "punish" her for not being home when he got home early to surprise her by sitting with his back to her the whole show and not talking to her - I had had enough - if she wanted to be miserable, fine, but I couldn't be there to see it any more.  I regret cutting ties without telling her why - but I don't regret the friendship being gone.  I believe they are still married, and I hope he treats her better now, but I have no idea. 

grumbledore

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I was married 10 years ago, when I was 24. My MOH had been my best friend for years. Soon after, my now ex-husband and I started having major problems. We eventually separated and then divorced. MOH lived in Philly and I in NY so we only really had the phone. I leaned on her for support during what was a really hard time in my life. 

My MOH eventually stopped calling me. It hurt, more than I can put into words. When I saw her pop up on Facebook about 5 years ago, I messaged her. Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? Why did our friendship die? 

She came back and told me that my divorce was too much "drama" for her. And you know what? At that very moment, I was so happy that she actually removed herself from my life. Friends are supposed to support each other during difficult times. And she obviously was a shitty, fair-weather friend. The friends that mattered and that cared about me stuck around. 

You, my dear, sound so much like my MOH. 

I have to kind of agree here.  I know it sucks sometimes when a friend is wrapped up in their own problems, but her problems sound pretty legit and she is coming to you because you are her friend.  I mean, if you really can't handle it, then you can step back from the friendship, but if you value this woman's place in your life, I'd try to ride it out.

arrippa

grumbledore said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I was married 10 years ago, when I was 24. My MOH had been my best friend for years. Soon after, my now ex-husband and I started having major problems. We eventually separated and then divorced. MOH lived in Philly and I in NY so we only really had the phone. I leaned on her for support during what was a really hard time in my life. 

My MOH eventually stopped calling me. It hurt, more than I can put into words. When I saw her pop up on Facebook about 5 years ago, I messaged her. Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? Why did our friendship die? 

She came back and told me that my divorce was too much "drama" for her. And you know what? At that very moment, I was so happy that she actually removed herself from my life. Friends are supposed to support each other during difficult times. And she obviously was a shitty, fair-weather friend. The friends that mattered and that cared about me stuck around. 

You, my dear, sound so much like my MOH. 

I have to kind of agree here.  I know it sucks sometimes when a friend is wrapped up in their own problems, but her problems sound pretty legit and she is coming to you because you are her friend.  I mean, if you really can't handle it, then you can step back from the friendship, but if you value this woman's place in your life, I'd try to ride it out.

That's a fair point but is there ever enough is enough? It's been eight years of solid drama. She won't separate with him because they have a kid. She won't go to therapy because he doesn't think they need it. I have been doing nothing but listening and being supportive. It's like talking to a wall. But I love her and I want her to be safe, so I am still here.

phira

I think that what you're struggling with is that you want to be a good friend and be there for her, but you're at your limit with regards to what you can handle.

I've had friends who have been at awful points in their lives and have leaned on me a LOT for support. One of them is a friend whose depression is so legitimately awful that every time we talked, it was about how his life had no meaning, there was no hope for him, he was going to die alone, he was never going to be successful at anything, we'd all be better off without him, etc. After a few years of that (yes, years), I finally told him:

"I care about you a lot, and I wish that there were more I could do to help besides listen to you when you need to talk. But it's getting really overwhelmingly stressful for me to hear you say these things. I don't want to leave you in the lurch without someone to talk to, and I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me about your depression when you really need to. So for the time being, is it okay if we focus on talking about other things? I'd love to tell you about some things that have been going on with me, and I'd also really like your advice about a couple of situations. And I'd like to hear about what you like about your new job, since we haven't talked much about that."

Basically: it's overwhelming to hear about your problems constantly; I am not cutting you off but we need to talk about other stuff; here are some things I've been wanting to talk with you about.

While it sounds like her husband is emotionally abusive (controlling behavior = pretty tell-tale sign), that doesn't mean that you are entirely responsible for being her lifeline and preventing her from becoming entirely isolated. You do not have to sacrifice your emotional wellbeing, and even if you did make that sacrifice, there's no guarantee that it'll actually save her from her situation. So please don't let, "But she's all I have left! I don't want to be a bad friend!" overtake your own needs.

Maggie0829

arrippa said:

grumbledore said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I was married 10 years ago, when I was 24. My MOH had been my best friend for years. Soon after, my now ex-husband and I started having major problems. We eventually separated and then divorced. MOH lived in Philly and I in NY so we only really had the phone. I leaned on her for support during what was a really hard time in my life. 

My MOH eventually stopped calling me. It hurt, more than I can put into words. When I saw her pop up on Facebook about 5 years ago, I messaged her. Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? Why did our friendship die? 

She came back and told me that my divorce was too much "drama" for her. And you know what? At that very moment, I was so happy that she actually removed herself from my life. Friends are supposed to support each other during difficult times. And she obviously was a shitty, fair-weather friend. The friends that mattered and that cared about me stuck around. 

You, my dear, sound so much like my MOH. 

I have to kind of agree here.  I know it sucks sometimes when a friend is wrapped up in their own problems, but her problems sound pretty legit and she is coming to you because you are her friend.  I mean, if you really can't handle it, then you can step back from the friendship, but if you value this woman's place in your life, I'd try to ride it out.

That's a fair point but is there ever enough is enough? It's been eight years of solid drama. She won't separate with him because they have a kid. She won't go to therapy because he doesn't think they need it. I have been doing nothing but listening and being supportive. It's like talking to a wall. But I love her and I want her to be safe, so I am still here.

Yes, there is a point where you reach enough is enough.  And it does not make you a horrible friend.  People can only take so much of other people's drama before it really starts to get to them and wears them down/out.

I think @phira provided a great example.  You can still be a friend but you also need to let her know that you just need a break from the constant complaining and drama.  

arrippa

Maggie0829 said:

arrippa said:

grumbledore said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I was married 10 years ago, when I was 24. My MOH had been my best friend for years. Soon after, my now ex-husband and I started having major problems. We eventually separated and then divorced. MOH lived in Philly and I in NY so we only really had the phone. I leaned on her for support during what was a really hard time in my life. 

My MOH eventually stopped calling me. It hurt, more than I can put into words. When I saw her pop up on Facebook about 5 years ago, I messaged her. Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? Why did our friendship die? 

She came back and told me that my divorce was too much "drama" for her. And you know what? At that very moment, I was so happy that she actually removed herself from my life. Friends are supposed to support each other during difficult times. And she obviously was a shitty, fair-weather friend. The friends that mattered and that cared about me stuck around. 

You, my dear, sound so much like my MOH. 

I have to kind of agree here.  I know it sucks sometimes when a friend is wrapped up in their own problems, but her problems sound pretty legit and she is coming to you because you are her friend.  I mean, if you really can't handle it, then you can step back from the friendship, but if you value this woman's place in your life, I'd try to ride it out.

That's a fair point but is there ever enough is enough? It's been eight years of solid drama. She won't separate with him because they have a kid. She won't go to therapy because he doesn't think they need it. I have been doing nothing but listening and being supportive. It's like talking to a wall. But I love her and I want her to be safe, so I am still here.

Yes, there is a point where you reach enough is enough.  And it does not make you a horrible friend.  People can only take so much of other people's drama before it really starts to get to them and wears them down/out.

I think @phira provided a great example.  You can still be a friend but you also need to let her know that you just need a break from the constant complaining and drama.  

Thanks everyone! I do feel better ( I was on the verge of crying at work when I got the emails, so my previous posts were emotional). There has been a lot of stuff said that I am taking to heart.I have never been on her side, so I don't know what that's like. I appreciated hearing from those who have.

When I vent to FI, he is all "you need to do what you need to do " or 'take care of yourself first". He tries but he doesn't understand. I am glad that I have this place where I can vent and get my feelings out. Even if it makes me look like an unsupportive friend.

I think before I do anything rwash, I am going to try Phira's suggestion. I think if I feel like our friendship is two sided ( as in we both listen and support each other), that might go a long way.

SapphireCounselor

beethery said:

Your friend obviously needs someone to talk to, and you might suggest to her that she seek counseling on her own, since her H is not into that. I wouldn't cut her out right now, because it sounds like you are the last straw she has to grasp on to make her way out.

There are lots of counselors at battered women's shelters who would probably meet with her on the DL so that nothing starts up with her H. She can talk to them and get an unbiased POV discussion, and still talk to you.

She needs your help, and I realize that being someone's only outlet is a big responsibility, it would do you well to stay in her life. She might not be thinking of your issues, because it sounds likes she's juggling some very full plates.

This - I would suggest that this sounds like a really difficult time for her, and that pursuing individual counseling might be an option to consider.

grumbledore

arrippa said:

grumbledore said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I was married 10 years ago, when I was 24. My MOH had been my best friend for years. Soon after, my now ex-husband and I started having major problems. We eventually separated and then divorced. MOH lived in Philly and I in NY so we only really had the phone. I leaned on her for support during what was a really hard time in my life. 

My MOH eventually stopped calling me. It hurt, more than I can put into words. When I saw her pop up on Facebook about 5 years ago, I messaged her. Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong? Why did our friendship die? 

She came back and told me that my divorce was too much "drama" for her. And you know what? At that very moment, I was so happy that she actually removed herself from my life. Friends are supposed to support each other during difficult times. And she obviously was a shitty, fair-weather friend. The friends that mattered and that cared about me stuck around. 

You, my dear, sound so much like my MOH. 

I have to kind of agree here.  I know it sucks sometimes when a friend is wrapped up in their own problems, but her problems sound pretty legit and she is coming to you because you are her friend.  I mean, if you really can't handle it, then you can step back from the friendship, but if you value this woman's place in your life, I'd try to ride it out.

That's a fair point but is there ever enough is enough? It's been eight years of solid drama. She won't separate with him because they have a kid. She won't go to therapy because he doesn't think they need it. I have been doing nothing but listening and being supportive. It's like talking to a wall. But I love her and I want her to be safe, so I am still here.

Yeah I think there's always a point where you have to say enough is enough. If you're there, then walk away. If you love her and care about her and you want to try to salvage the friendship, you could try just being honest and saying, "I am here for you, but I need you to be there for me too."

theartistformerlyknownas

I've had to have a very similar conversation to @phira. I have a friend who just gets in these ruts where everything is negative and every conversation is complaining. The aggravating thing was that so much of it was within her control... like when I told her about our honeymoon, she'd complain that she can't afford a vacation because she chose to quit her job and stay home with her kids. It just cast a shadow over everything that was good in MY life, and I know it was doing the same to hers. When you complain about things all the time it's hard to see the bright side. I eventually just got to the point where I said "I love you and I know that you need to vent sometimes, but every conversation can't be like this. I can help you try to come up with solutions for these problems, but if you don't want to do anything about them I just can't be your outlet for venting anymore. If you made a choice and you're sticking to it, then own it and don't complain about it. I won't tell you about what's going on in my life if you're going to turn it around and make me feel bad. We can have 2-sided, productive conversations, or we can not." It actually did help her to snap out of her funk a bit. 

Granted, her problems were not of the life-changingly-awful variety. I'm glad you're not bailing on your friend when she needs you. Maybe with your support and coaxing she can try to make some positive changes.

phira

lolo883 said:

I've had to have a very similar conversation to @phira. I have a friend who just gets in these ruts where everything is negative and every conversation is complaining. The aggravating thing was that so much of it was within her control... like when I told her about our honeymoon, she'd complain that she can't afford a vacation because she chose to quit her job and stay home with her kids. It just cast a shadow over everything that was good in MY life, and I know it was doing the same to hers. When you complain about things all the time it's hard to see the bright side. I eventually just got to the point where I said "I love you and I know that you need to vent sometimes, but every conversation can't be like this. I can help you try to come up with solutions for these problems, but if you don't want to do anything about them I just can't be your outlet for venting anymore. If you made a choice and you're sticking to it, then own it and don't complain about it. I won't tell you about what's going on in my life if you're going to turn it around and make me feel bad. We can have 2-sided, productive conversations, or we can not." It actually did help her to snap out of her funk a bit. 

Granted, her problems were not of the life-changingly-awful variety. I'm glad you're not bailing on your friend when she needs you. Maybe with your support and coaxing she can try to make some positive changes.

That sentence is seriously a really great sentence to build around when you have to have this kind of conversation. It's a good way to emphasize that you do not want to prevent a friend from venting (we all need to vent!) without agreeing to be their doormat.

wandajune6

One of my best friends (a BM) is a very high drama girl. She dates horrible guys, stays with them for years, and ends up hysterical on a regular basis. She has no kids nor does she marry the guys so it's a bit simpler than your situation.

I lost my shit with her one day. I told her that I would continue to listen to her talk about this guy for another month. After that, she could either get rid of him or stop talking to me about him. It was her choice. I had just started dating FI and I ended up driving to his place in tears because I felt so awful.

She didn't talk to me for a week. When she called me next, she talked to me about me and my life. We talked about her guy and other things for the rest of the month. At the end of the month, she asked me if I was sticking to what I said. I stuck to it. She split with the guy 2 weeks later.

Clearly this doesn't work with someone who is married and has kids. However, is there a way that you can structure the conversation with her? Tell her that you're there for her and are always a shoulder to cry on/vent to but you need limits? Or take the approach that I've taken with other friends and say that you need some levity so you can be cordial to the guy when you see him?

Good luck!