All we're doing is fighting :( Venting...

faerylvr27

Lately, all FI & I are doing is arguing over EVERY. THING! No matter what I say, he questions my decisions regarding the wedding, regarding our new apartment, things I want to buy, things I need to discuss with the new landlord, etc.

For example, today I called the landlord to ask if he will be around Weds since I will be at the apt for the cable installation. (My official move in date is 2/1 but I have access now) FI's advice was to specifically discuss the issues over the phone regarding painting the ceilings. I was ready to hire someone to do it and FI told me it's the LL's job. This is all new to me, and I don't want the LL to think I'm a troublemaker right from the beginning, so I'm nervous. I need time to prepare my questions and issues so I don't feel like an idiot. Also, I think it would be beneficial to SHOW the LL the problems, rather than discuss them over the phone.

FI is mad bc I never take his advice. Hello?! I took his advice by making an appt with the LL instead of just hiring somebody off the bat.

This is just one example of the STUPID PETTY things we've been fighting about for the past couple of weeks. We have never argued like this in the time that we've been together. And to be honest, it's bringing back bad memories of all the fighting my exH and I did. Of course I can't mention that to FI bc he just says I need to not compare him to anyone in my past, that's WHY they are in the past, and he's not them. But I can't help feel like that.

I admit, I'm not the easiest person to deal with. A brat even.  I'm a control freak who likes things just so, because I feel like I can do it better if I just do it myself. I know I need to learn to be a better partner and give up some control, but I'm so used to doing things myself for so long, it's a very hard habit to break. It's gotten worse with the wedding planning, and now the new apartment, I'm just taking over everything.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like everything has gone down the toilet in the past, why shouldn't this relationship? This marriage? This home? I've lost everything so many times, I'm terrified that all of this is too good to be true and it's all going to crash down on me.

Girls, please go easy on me. I feel bad enuf as it is for turning into this biitch that I swore I would never be. I'm afraid I'm going to lose everything good that's going for me right now. Thanks for listening...

kmac821

Deep breaths! It'll be okay! I promise!

I can sympathize, while FI and I don't fight, I come from a broken home and getting married brings up a lot of issues and questions like "how do I know I'm not repeating my parents' mistakes? how did they feel when getting married? am I not loveydovey enough? why am I not more like x bride?" What I've learned is you have to remember the reasons you said "yes" to his proposal, and all of the good things he (and you) bring to the relationship.

Moving into a new place is stressful. Planning a wedding is stressful. You've got a lot of stress going on and need to take a breath! Maybe plan a romantic night for the two of you? And *don't spend a second* talking about wedding/moving/stressful anything.

em01092

*hugs*

I'm sorry you're facing this. Maybe you and your FI need a heart to heart/sit down talk to go over what's bothering you each. Sort everything out that you have to do and try to remove some elements of stress. Let him talk, listen, then you talk, he listens. No interrupting, no shouting. Use the lame "I feel...." line. It works! 

kmac821

**edit to my post earlier** FI and I do fight, just not yelling matches (he is much more zen then me... I actually get angry at him BC he doesn't show emotion... crazy lady!). I do more of the "i'm annoyed at you and giving you the silent treatment with snarky comments" fighting with him. Sometimes those lead to very mean and hurtful snarky comments... not good. We all have our faults!

meganb1977

Ditto that you're probably both edgy because of the stress from the wedding and the move.  And that it might be worthwhile to take some time to both be calm and sort through some of the things that have to be done and things that are bothering each of you.  If he's open to it maybe a neutral person like a mutual friend, counselor, or minister could help you both get clearer on each other's points of view and especially a counselor might have some strategies for handling your conflicts more constructively, it sounds like in different ways you both need to be more direct with each other and find better ways to express that something is bothering you which will not put the other on the defensive.  This has been a challenge for fiance and I as well.

In a way it makes sense that it's reminding you of the way you were with your ex because you're still the same person, and maybe despite your best intentions you still have a tendency to react the same way when you're backed into a corner.  So even if it makes you feel insecure that you're seeing that same pattern, cut yourself a little slack there because you know your fiance is better than your ex or as pp said you wouldn't have said yes when he proposed :-)

cgyvhu

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way!! Moving and a wedding at the same time are stressful, and I think sometimes even little fights/arguments seem bigger when you are about to make a lifetime committment to someone.

I think em's advice is good, and even going to some pre-marital counseling sessions would not be a bad idea.  It's a way for you to have the conversations you need to have with a neutral mediator there.  And pre-marital counselors will be able to make specific suggestions for you both from an outside perspective, which might be nice.

I hope things get better.

XxMari518xX

WOW!  This sounds like a tough time right now. 

Although I agree with PP ... I think before that romantic weekend you guys need to get together and discuss what is stressing the both of you out. 

Once you outline where the stress is coming from -- maybe you are both have the same feelings and taking it out on the little things -- THEN go on your no home/no wedding vacation - like a mini honeymoon.  This could be at your local holiday inn but order room service!

mybestfriend4eva

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_were-doing-fighting-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:9836e5cf-9368-438b-8f91-f18dd1c21851Post:9c8fd0b5-c7ce-47d2-a8a1-a05fc566c968">Re: All we're doing is fighting :( Venting...</a>:
[QUOTE]*hugs* I'm sorry you're facing this. Maybe you and your FI need a heart to heart/sit down talk to go over what's bothering you each. Sort everything out that you have to do and try to remove some elements of stress. Let him talk, listen, then you talk, he listens. No interrupting, no shouting. Use the lame "I feel...." line. It works! 
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with Erica! I think a good heart to heart sit down would really help. You both need to take turns expressing how you feel without yelling, interrupting, or critisism. A good relationship takes a lot of work but rest assured every couple no matter how perfect together disagrees from time to time. Once you both can hear why each other is upset or stressed you can begin to work on solutions and comprimises. GL keep us posted!

epona225

So glad you had a chance to talk things over with FI.  And everyone had some great words of wisdom - April 2012 girls are the best!

Just wanted to add my 2 cents.  I recently moved across the country to join FI, and it was a somewhat difficult transition for me.  But 4 months later, I'm happier than I've ever been.  I had to learn to let go a little - I've lived by myself for so long, that was kind of hard.  But it works better if we split things up or delegate somewhat - so if one person is cooking or cleaning, the other person shouldn't be hovering over them telling them how to do it!  The ultimate goal is for FI and I to be happy together, so bringing up how he folds my jeans wrong when he's already tired probably will do more harm than good.  At the same time, if something is really bugging me, I've learned I have to tell him (calmly and in a non-accusatory tone), because he can't read my mind. 

If in doubt, I try to keep my mouth shut when I want to make a snarky comment, and I just keep repeating "we're on the same team."