what would you do?

melbelleup

So, my invitations are sent out, all is fine and dandy, but my brother just sent his out for his wedding and did an oopsie.

One of my dad's cousin's wife died recently (about 2 months ago) and he told myself and my brother to make sure she's taken off of the invitations. I did and added "and Guest" whereas I guess my brother did not nor was he using my most updated guest list which would of had it corrected and sent the invitation as "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" and it caused some rift in the family. I guess his daughter (who is in her mid thirties and not invited to the wedding) saw it and got upset and told my dad's other cousin (her aunt) and then she told my dad's other cousin and that cousin texted my brother and said something about how it upsetted them. And on top of that, my dad's cousin (the daughter's aunt) called my dad and complained about it and also about how we should sit him with her at our weddings because she's afraid we might sit him elsewhere not recognizing his name...

What would you do if you were in my brother's shoes? In my mind, really, there is nothing you can do except not put Mr. and Mrs. on place card or thank you card if given a gift. Or you could send a card saying you're sorry for his lost, but they're upset just because they saw "Mrs." on an invitation that was most likely written before she died, at least the guest list was. So that way, would make them more upset.

ETA: Originally my dad thought this was because of the daughter not being invited to the weddings, but he wasn't even invited to hers so he thought it couldn't be, then later found out from her aunt it was due to the death.

FizzySips

Your brother should call the cousin and apologize.He doesn't need to get into details, just an "I'm sorry" and hopefully the wildfire of drama calms down. It was a mistake. Your brother is human.  

Maggie0829

Maggie0829

Losing a loved one is hard, but I think the family got a bit too bent out of shape because of an error I am sure your brother did not mean to make.  He should just call the husband and apologize for his error and let him know he is free to bring a guest if he wishes.  Then he should make a (BIG) note to remind himself of this in the future so he doesn't make the mistake again.  But besides an apology to the husband there really isn't much else your brother can do.

And how would you not recognize his name?  I am confused about that.

Edit: Not sure why it didn't post the first time.

melbelleup

Maggie0829 said:

Losing a loved one is hard, but I think the family got a bit too bent out of shape because of an error I am sure your brother did not mean to make.  He should just call the husband and apologize for his error and let him know he is free to bring a guest if he wishes.  Then he should make a (BIG) note to remind himself of this in the future so he doesn't make the mistake again.  But besides an apology to the husband there really isn't much else your brother can do.

And how would you not recognize his name?  I am confused about that.

Edit: Not sure why it didn't post the first time.

That is the part I don't understand either... Obviously I wouldn't invite a person I don't know.... I guess my thing is, it's not the husband upset. It's the daughter... but she wasn't even invited. I guess the husband was in the hospital recently and she was getting the mail and saw it. Heck, I haven't even received my invitation yet for my brother's wedding... granted, my mail take 3-4 days from PA to NC but still. Nor has my dad... So this is a very fresh boo-boo.

ETA: I do like the idea of calling and saying "I'm sorry for the mistake, you may bring a guest if you'd like" I'll pass that on to him definitely. At least that way doesn't bring up the mistake and let's him know he can invite someone else. Though, I gave him a guest and he's not bringing one to mine, but at least that gives him the option and an apology.

Jen4948

Your brother can call your dad's cousin and profusely apologize and offer his condolence for the cousin's loss; he can also offer the cousin a plus-one if he wishes.

He also really does need to note and make sure not to make the same error again in the future.

But that's all he can really do.  As far as the aunt goes, I'd ignore the demand about where to be seated and just have her seated where he was going to seat her anyway, which was probably with relatives she would recognize.

melbelleup

Jen4948 said:

Your brother can call your dad's cousin and profusely apologize and offer his condolence for the cousin's loss; he can also offer the cousin a plus-one if he wishes.

He also really does need to note and make sure not to make the same error again in the future.

But that's all he can really do.  As far as the aunt goes, I'd ignore the demand about where to be seated and just have her seated where he was going to seat her anyway, which was probably with relatives she would recognize.

The seating thing is the weirdest part of this... but he would of been sat with her regardless since their family. Though, my dad does have tons of cousins.

Maggie0829

melbelleup said:

Maggie0829 said:

Losing a loved one is hard, but I think the family got a bit too bent out of shape because of an error I am sure your brother did not mean to make.  He should just call the husband and apologize for his error and let him know he is free to bring a guest if he wishes.  Then he should make a (BIG) note to remind himself of this in the future so he doesn't make the mistake again.  But besides an apology to the husband there really isn't much else your brother can do.

And how would you not recognize his name?  I am confused about that.

Edit: Not sure why it didn't post the first time.

That is the part I don't understand either... Obviously I wouldn't invite a person I don't know.... I guess my thing is, it's not the husband upset. It's the daughter... but she wasn't even invited. I guess the husband was in the hospital recently and she was getting the mail and saw it. Heck, I haven't even received my invitation yet for my brother's wedding... granted, my mail take 3-4 days from PA to NC but still. Nor has my dad... So this is a very fresh boo-boo.

ETA: I do like the idea of calling and saying "I'm sorry for the mistake, you may bring a guest if you'd like" I'll pass that on to him definitely. At least that way doesn't bring up the mistake and let's him know he can invite someone else. Though, I gave him a guest and he's not bringing one to mine, but at least that gives him the option and an apology.

I'm sure it just really stung to see a family member make an error even though the death was known.  But again, mistakes happen.  I don't think your brother needs to apologize to the daughter though.

This will all just blow over.  I just think because the loss is still so new and people are still grieving that it cause such a hoopla.

Jen4948

melbelleup said:

Jen4948 said:

Your brother can call your dad's cousin and profusely apologize and offer his condolence for the cousin's loss; he can also offer the cousin a plus-one if he wishes.

He also really does need to note and make sure not to make the same error again in the future.

But that's all he can really do.  As far as the aunt goes, I'd ignore the demand about where to be seated and just have her seated where he was going to seat her anyway, which was probably with relatives she would recognize.

The seating thing is the weirdest part of this... but he would of been sat with her regardless since their family. Though, my dad does have tons of cousins.

Yeah, so I'd just ignore that.  Or, your brother can reassure her that they will be seated together and that was his intention anyway.

HisGirlFriday13

I had to read that four times to figure out who said what to whom. Whew.

OK.

So, when I worked at a newspaper in my 20s, we had this (basically stupid) marketing thing where every day, we picked a subscriber to 'thank' for subscribing. We'd write, 'Thanks, John Doe, for [insert tagline here]!' 

It was cheesy and stupid and harmless. Advertising gave us the list of subscribers a month at a time, we slotted them in, all was good.

Until one day we said, 'Thanks, Elmer Fudd, for [insert tagline].' Mr. Fudd's widow, Elvira Fudd, called up the publisher and demanded a meeting and came storming in with her four grown-ass children and was all bent out of shape because her husband had DIED and how DARE WE re-open that wound and JUST WHO DID WE THINK WE WERE??

Turns out, her husband had been dead for a few years and she'd just never taken the subscription out of his name, so it's not like we were TRYING to be insensitive assholes, it was an honest mistake.

I think for your brother, same deal -- he should just admit it was an honest mistake, it was an oversight, no offence was intended, etc.

pinkshorts27

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I had to read that four times to figure out who said what to whom. Whew.

OK.

So, when I worked at a newspaper in my 20s, we had this (basically stupid) marketing thing where every day, we picked a subscriber to 'thank' for subscribing. We'd write, 'Thanks, John Doe, for [insert tagline here]!' 

It was cheesy and stupid and harmless. Advertising gave us the list of subscribers a month at a time, we slotted them in, all was good.

Until one day we said, 'Thanks, Elmer Fudd, for [insert tagline].' Mr. Fudd's widow, Elvira Fudd, called up the publisher and demanded a meeting and came storming in with her four grown-ass children and was all bent out of shape because her husband had DIED and how DARE WE re-open that wound and JUST WHO DID WE THINK WE WERE??

Turns out, her husband had been dead for a few years and she'd just never taken the subscription out of his name, so it's not like we were TRYING to be insensitive assholes, it was an honest mistake.

I think for your brother, same deal -- he should just admit it was an honest mistake, it was an oversight, no offence was intended, etc.

My grandma didn't want people making that mistake and she was cheap, so she literally cut grandpa's name out of the return addresses. So it used to say  John and Jane Smith, now it is  (cut out part) and Jane Smith.  

But I do think he should just call and apologize. No big deal. Don't bring it up again and don't make the mistake again. Ignore the drama.

phira

It was a mistake--your brother should call your dad's cousin (not the daughter) and apologize. He shouldn't make excuses (obviously, his intentions weren't to make the cousin feel sad). Just, "I'm so sorry that this happened. It was a terrible oversight on our part, and I feel awful." Offer to let him bring any guest he'd like for company.

Ignore the aunt.

grumbledore

FizzySips said:

Your brother should call the cousin and apologize.He doesn't need to get into details, just an "I'm sorry" and hopefully the wildfire of drama calms down. It was a mistake. Your brother is human.  

I agree. I think a simple apology phone call could go a long way here. What he did appeared thoughtless, which it was, and following up with anything less than a personal, verbal apology will probably not be sufficient.