Wedding Etiquette Forum

Surprise Guests

This week, 3 weeks before the wedding, I received 2 rsvps from mystery guests. I had no idea who these people were. They were not on the guest list. It was 2 couples. One said yes and one no.

I asked my FI, and come to find out, they are cousins of my FFIL. He invited 6 people without telling us. He made copies of our invitations and sent those to these people!

I should note that FIs parents have agreed to give us money to pay for the food, for which I am grateful. However, they told us they were chipping in this week. If they had told us this at the beginning, I would have been more lenient on the guest list. This people could have been invited properly, but at the time I was planning for what I could afford.

I am going to let this go since they are generously helping out, but I'm shocked he did this. He made copies?!
Wedding Countdown Ticker

Re: Surprise Guests

  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Whaaaaaaaa?!!

    He made ... he made copies? What?
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    There was another bride, not too long ago where her MIL did the exact same thing!  Some people go crazy pants when it comes to weddings!  You are having a much better reaction than I would!
  • @beharrington‌, didn't your MIL make copies of the invites and pass them out?

    Money aside, I'd still be furious. Also, if invited six people, and you've heard from two couples, by my reasoning you're still two guests/one couple outstanding.

    What would have happened if they hadn't RSVPed and had instead just shown up? What would FIL have done then?
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • He probably wouldn't have done anything if they showed up but be surprised. Part of his reasoning for doing it is because they didn't expect these people to show up. They all live out of state. FI feels confident the third couple won't show up, because they don't have a lot of money.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Also, FFIL is kind of controlling. He would probably get mad back at us if we got upset with him. So since they are chipping, I don't see the point in starting anything.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • FI has stood up to him about other things. This was just a blindside type of thing. Honestly, I don't think FFIL realizes what he did is that bad. I am pretty sure he will just get defensive if we get mad.

    I am irritated by the whole thing, but again don't think it's worth starting anything. They are giving us money and that's the only thing I might have asked for if he did this and didn't chip in. I couldn't uninvite these people. Fortunately, it will only be 2 more people.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    clueclaw said:
    FI has stood up to him about other things. This was just a blindside type of thing. Honestly, I don't think FFIL realizes what he did is that bad. I am pretty sure he will just get defensive if we get mad. I am irritated by the whole thing, but again don't think it's worth starting anything. They are giving us money and that's the only thing I might have asked for if he did this and didn't chip in. I couldn't uninvite these people. Fortunately, it will only be 2 more people.
    I do think you and your FI need to establish and maintain boundaries, even if your FFIL gets defensive about it.  What if in the future he tries to control your parenting of your own kids, or your work?  The fact that he's contributing financially doesn't excuse him from making copies of your invitations and sending them to people who were not on your guest list.
    pinkshorts27
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    clueclaw said:
    FI has stood up to him about other things. This was just a blindside type of thing. Honestly, I don't think FFIL realizes what he did is that bad. I am pretty sure he will just get defensive if we get mad. I am irritated by the whole thing, but again don't think it's worth starting anything. They are giving us money and that's the only thing I might have asked for if he did this and didn't chip in. I couldn't uninvite these people. Fortunately, it will only be 2 more people.
    I'm just going to point out that people get defensive when they know they're wrong/the other party has a point. 

    I wish you all the best luck in the future, and I hope you don't live close to FFIL
    image



    Anniversary
    OliveOilsMom
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    He'd get angry if you got upset with him? Sounds like my dad. Unpleasant.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
  • clueclaw said:

    Also, FFIL is kind of controlling. He would probably get mad back at us if we got upset with him. So since they are chipping, I don't see the point in starting anything.

    Other than, by letting him do this without repercussions, you're teaching him actions do NOT have consequences, and he can get away with skirting your wishes.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I saw that happen on a wedding show many years ago. "Whose Wedding is It, Anyway?" anyone remember that one?  Bride's mom did it and there were suddenly over 100 people invited to a wedding at a church with a seating capacity of 50. I was horrified. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • if i receved in the mail a invite on ordinary printer paper i would question the invite. if i was not close to the person but they were distant family i would call them up and congratulate them on the wedding i would say to them hey just to give you a heads up i am not sure if you meant to invite us no hard feelings but we got a papery copy of the invite.

    ffil should have asked you if they could come and send out a proper invite and not some copyed one
  • Sorry, busy weekend. This may not get read, but I just wanted to say I understand what you ladies are saying. My FI has every intention to have a lengthy discussion with his dad about why this is wrong, and that similar things cannot happen in the future.

    Beyond that, I don't think I can do anything else. I can't uninvite these people so I just have to deal with it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • BlergbotBlergbot An enchanted land member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    AddieCake said:
    I saw that happen on a wedding show many years ago. "Whose Wedding is It, Anyway?" anyone remember that one?  Bride's mom did it and there were suddenly over 100 people invited to a wedding at a church with a seating capacity of 50. I was horrified. 



    I know someone who was on that show! She has since divorced and just got remarried.
  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I have a feeling my FMIL might do something like that...
    Wedding Countdown Ticker



  • kitsunegari89kitsunegari89 member
    500 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited June 2014
    That's really annoying, but I guess there's not much you can do now... if they get un-invited, no one will look at the original culprit with ire and blame, but at you. I didn't let my IL's chip in because they're crazypants and it's not worth it. My dad said he could handle it and had apparently been saving money since he figured that after 6 years together we weren't breaking up anytime soon. LOL DAD
    My colors are "blood of my enemies" and "rage".

    http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3h1kr8sYk1qzve89.gif
  • clueclaw said:
    Sorry, busy weekend. This may not get read, but I just wanted to say I understand what you ladies are saying. My FI has every intention to have a lengthy discussion with his dad about why this is wrong, and that similar things cannot happen in the future. Beyond that, I don't think I can do anything else. I can't uninvite these people so I just have to deal with it.
    Good.  Sounds like you don't have a capacity issue so I wouldn't uninvite his guests either, I'd rather they not know the situation and feel welcome, but FFIL needs to know his behavior isn't acceptable and won't be tolerated in other aspects of your life together.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards