My Boss invited herself to my wedding! What do I do?

Amy33NYC

I guess the obvious answer is invite her, but I'm then forced to at least consider inviting other co-workers that I might not have considered inviting before so that my boss doesn't end up being the only one invited from her division. I don't want to hurt anyone feelings.  I am already inviting a few of my co-workers (in a different division)  who I'm close with and have known for 8 or more years.  I've only known my boss for 3 years.  She really prides herself on getting to know her employees and one day just flat out said, I'd like to come to your wedding.   My wedding is out of town so it would require my boss and the few extra co-workers that I would consider inviting along with her to travel which is why I never considered inviting them in the first place.  I don't want to burden them with the travel and expense or even the expectation of a gift. Plus it's a Friday wedding and would require them to take a day off of work. Does that mean the whole office will shut down because of my wedding? I don't think so : )  If the wedding was local this would be a much easier decision. I'm leaning towards inviting her, but am nervous about the ripple effect it will cause in my decision to invite extra folks from work.  I might just invite them as a courtesy and hope they decline.  Any advice is appreciated.  Thank you

lilacck28

Amy33NYC said:

I guess the obvious answer is invite her, but I'm then forced to at least consider inviting other co-workers that I might not have considered inviting before so that my boss doesn't end up being the only one invited from her division. I don't want to hurt anyone feelings.  I am already inviting a few of my co-workers (in a different division)  who I'm close with and have known for 8 or more years.  I've only known my boss for 3 years.  She really prides herself on getting to know her employees and one day just flat out said, I'd like to come to your wedding.   My wedding is out of town so it would require my boss and the few extra co-workers that I would consider inviting along with her to travel which is why I never considered inviting them in the first place.  I don't want to burden them with the travel and expense or even the expectation of a gift. Plus it's a Friday wedding and would require them to take a day off of work. Does that mean the whole office will shut down because of my wedding? I don't think so : )  If the wedding was local this would be a much easier decision. I'm leaning towards inviting her, but am nervous about the ripple effect it will cause in my decision to invite extra folks from work.  I might just invite them as a courtesy and hope they decline.  Any advice is appreciated.  Thank you

Don't invite your co-workers as a courtesy to your boss and hope they decline. You have to expect that everyone you invite will come. Are you financially able to accommodate these guests? Can your venue accommodate more people? And do you want these people at your wedding? Those are the important questions to ask yourself. 

lilacck28

Also, your argument about not wanting to invite them to your wedding because it may be a burden to them is silly/ rings untrue. It is completely okay to just not want to invite them, or not be able to afford to host them. Don't justify your completely legitimate decision with an illegitimate/ psuedo-nice reason, especially as you cannot predetermine for anyone what is or is not a burden. If you invite them because you want them there, and they can not come because they can't take off from work, that's fine. Don't make that decision for them though. 

RebeccaFlower

1) Don't assume that anyone will not attend. You'll be surprised by who will make the trip.

2) Not inviting them because you don't want to burden them is a crap excuse. 

3) If I were you, I would invite just your boss and their spouse. It was rude for her to 'invite herself' but I would be worried about offending her.

LDay2014

Amy33NYC said:

I guess the obvious answer is invite her, but I'm then forced to at least consider inviting other co-workers that I might not have considered inviting before so that my boss doesn't end up being the only one invited from her division. I don't want to hurt anyone feelings.  I am already inviting a few of my co-workers (in a different division)  who I'm close with and have known for 8 or more years.  I've only known my boss for 3 years.  She really prides herself on getting to know her employees and one day just flat out said, I'd like to come to your wedding.   My wedding is out of town so it would require my boss and the few extra co-workers that I would consider inviting along with her to travel which is why I never considered inviting them in the first place.  I don't want to burden them with the travel and expense or even the expectation of a gift. Plus it's a Friday wedding and would require them to take a day off of work. Does that mean the whole office will shut down because of my wedding? I don't think so : )  If the wedding was local this would be a much easier decision. I'm leaning towards inviting her, but am nervous about the ripple effect it will cause in my decision to invite extra folks from work.  I might just invite them as a courtesy and hope they decline.  Any advice is appreciated.  Thank you

whoa whoa whoa...no one can invite themselves to your wedding. 

Stop talking about the wedding at work, and let your boss know that unfortunately you were not able to invite everyone you would have like but appreciate her well wishes.  

End of story.

NYCMercedes

Have you been talking a lot about your wedding at work?

Amy33NYC

I don't talk about my wedding at all (unless they are friends/co-workers and not just co-workers). My boss is actually in a different state so I don't really speak with her that often. This all happened when she was in town and we did start chatting. She brought up my wedding.

RebeccaFlower

How exactly did she invite herself? If you didn't shut it down, she probably thinks she's invited and now you'll look super rude if you don't follow through.

JCbride2015

@RebeccaFlower has a good point: the time to shut this down was exactly when she said it. "Oh, we're just keeping the wedding very small," or "Unfortunately we weren't able to invite everybody we wanted, but it's so sweet you'd like to come and support us." If you let her comment slide and didn't say anything, she probably now thinks she's invited. I'd be worried about offending her, so give her a formal invite. But I think it's also OK to not invite those other co-workers, just boss and spouse.

thelastdreamer

Ditto PPs, when she made that comment did you smile and nod? If so, that was you agreeing that she was invited and you now need to invite her. Unfortunately your time to tell her politely she wasn't invited has passed.

APDSS22

At this point it would be really hard to extricate yourself from extending an invitation to your boss (not really your fault, she kind of cornered you). Since she is your boss I would extend an invitation to your boss and her significant other. If you have no desire to invite the rest of the office, avoid talking about your wedding as much as possible at work. (If someone asks you how it's going say something neutral like you've got it under control).

debbeau

Sounds like you were taken by surprise. It is not always easy to think of what to say when that happens. I would just invite the boss and their SO.