Wedding Etiquette Forum

Not sure if this is etiquette related but I need help!

So, on Monday, one of my fiance's friend's fiancee messaged him on Facebook asking if I'd like to be her bridesmaid (weird?).  He of course said yes and then realized his mistake.  I told him he had to tell her (since he's the one who got me into this mess) that I simply can't do it due to my own planning.  Also, I've only met the girl twice.  Of course he got busy at work and did not have time to tell her before she messaged me.

I of course was polite and said I was honored but I just couldn't since I was in the middle of my own planning but I wished her luck.  She persisted, saying that her wedding is November 2015 (mine is September 2015) and if I changed my mind she'd love to have me.

To make matters worse, the boys had a pact that they'd be in each others wedding, and now he's not even sure if he can do it.

And even worse, I feel bad.  If she reached out to me, who she's only met twice, does that mean she doesn't have a lot of girlfriends?

I don't know what to do!  I'm already in a tight spot financially and I can't take the added cost of being a bridemaid while trying to pay for my own wedding.

Re: Not sure if this is etiquette related but I need help!

  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    So, on Monday, one of my fiance's friend's fiancee messaged him on Facebook asking if I'd like to be her bridesmaid (weird?).  He of course said yes and then realized his mistake.  I told him he had to tell her (since he's the one who got me into this mess) that I simply can't do it due to my own planning.  Also, I've only met the girl twice.  Of course he got busy at work and did not have time to tell her before she messaged me.

    I of course was polite and said I was honored but I just couldn't since I was in the middle of my own planning but I wished her luck.  She persisted, saying that her wedding is November 2015 (mine is September 2015) and if I changed my mind she'd love to have me.

    To make matters worse, the boys had a pact that they'd be in each others wedding, and now he's not even sure if he can do it.

    And even worse, I feel bad.  If she reached out to me, who she's only met twice, does that mean she doesn't have a lot of girlfriends?

    I don't know what to do!  I'm already in a tight spot financially and I can't take the added cost of being a bridemaid while trying to pay for my own wedding.
    So, the thing is, you're not obligated to be in anyone's wedding party. And you're right--you really barely know this person, and it's weird that she would ask you to be a bridesmaid. I understand that you feel like her asking you means that she must have no one else to ask ... but you don't know that for sure, and it's still strange and awkward that she asked you. I'd be more suspicious that she feels obligated to ask you because your fiances are such close friends, and/or she is trying to even out sides.

    Speculating is pointless, though. What's important is that you don't really want to be in the wedding party of someone you don't know, and that's enough of a reason to politely decline.

    Meanwhile:

    1) Your fiance should not have accepted on your behalf. This person should have asked you, directly. But when she asked him, he should have just told her to ask you. I'm glad he realizes his mistake, but ... I can't believe he did it in the first place. Very weird.

    2) Why can't your fiance be in his friend's wedding?
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  • Don't feel bad. Maybe she thought she was supposed to because your fiance is in the bridal party? Some brides come on here asking about that. If it's because she doesn't have a lot of girlfriends, then definitely don't feel bad. There could be a reason why lol. And if she has plenty of boyfriends, she could have just asked them. Mixed gender bridal parties are not a bad thing. or maybe she needed even sides? Blech. It doesn't really matter. Either way, it's not on you.

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    Inkdancer
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Just say no.



    (Politely. Which you did. Now just move on! You're all good.)
    [Deleted User]emmyg65KeptInStitchesMaggie0829
  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Umm, what? Does this girl have any friends of her own? Sorry, I know that sounds harsh but that's the first thing that came to mind.

    If she asks again, I would continue to politely (but firmly) insist that you are unable to be a bridesmaid. You're certainly not obligated.
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I remember reading a few weeks back about a bride who was having problems with the groom's best man at her upcoming wedding. Long story short, Best Man's girlfriend was a complete nutter and kept saying it was proper etiquette to have her be a bridesmaid since her bf was in the WP and bride was the rudest person in the world. Do you think she may have heard this as well and didn't want to be rude?

    Otherwise, yes, perfectly fine to say no. I think, actually, it would be better for all of you not to be in the WP of this wedding and just politely decline.  If you would like, it might be nice to send her a little note saying how sweet it was of her to think of you and you hope you two can get to know each other better after the wedding craziness. Her only crime really was trying to include you. Yes, it may have been really awkward and she may be lacking some social skills, but maybe just give her the benefit of the doubt. You don't have to be best friends with her, but just cordial as to not make waves for fi and best man.
    lilacck28beharrington
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I agree she probably thought she was "supposed" to ask you.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • It sounds like you don't want to because you are already planning your own wedding and you don't really know the person that well.  That's reason enough to say no.  Just be polite and firm.
    (This is coming from a BM who was used for props, it won't make you closer or better friends if you weren't before.)
  • Don't feel bad. Maybe she thought she was supposed to because your fiance is in the bridal party? Some brides come on here asking about that. If it's because she doesn't have a lot of girlfriends, then definitely don't feel bad. There could be a reason why lol. And if she has plenty of boyfriends, she could have just asked them. Mixed gender bridal parties are not a bad thing. or maybe she needed even sides? Blech. It doesn't really matter. Either way, it's not on you.

    This.  I know someone who her sole reason for asking one of her bridesmaids was that the woman was married to someone her FI intended to ask to be a groomsman.  Then for whatever reason he didn't ask his friend but she was still stuck with this woman in her bridal party.  She didn't dislike her but wouldn't have asked her if she had known her husband wasn't going to be in the wedding.  
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  • You said no to her right ? You don't need to do anything else.
  • Be polite and say no. Weird she didn't message you though.

    I'm standing in a wedding this summer and getting married this fall. Its a destination wedding for me as well. Just putting it out there that I'm not finding it overwelming or anything so it can be done if you really want to.
  • I think you gave a tactful, appropriate response.  I wouldn't let her pressure you to elaborate, your reasoning is sufficient and she won't be able to counter any of your other reasons with a solution (like offering to pay).


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  • Thank you for all your responses! I haven't heard from her since the night I told her no. Hopefully she won't bring it up again. But at least I can take comfort in knowing what I said was justified.
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