Stressed SO

pinkcow13

Hey guys, I need some of your great advice. FI has been stressed about his job for the past 2 weeks. He is an IT manager at a financial company, and his job is pretty stressful. It's 24/7 (he has a regular 9-5 schedule, but a work blackberry at all times), and it sounds like he deals with some major assholes from other departments. He leads a team of about 9 guys. Well, in the past 2 weeks, 3 guys have given their notice. Now, in most jobs, when people leave, it can lead to some strain on the team. In his particular team, since shifts have to be covered 24/7 (there are overnight and weekend shifts),this is bad. Now people have to work double shifts, they may have their vacation time rescheduled, and they may need to pull in guys that have recently moved to other jobs within the company back as they deal with this.

This has all taken a toll on FI. Last week I could tell he was stressed, especially in the mornings before work. So today he calls me around noon, and asked if I was able to do lunch. I immediately worried because we have not gone out to lunch during work in years, and he rarely calls me during the day, we just text. We went for lunch and he told me that he feels really overwhelmed. There was a meeting today and he said he felt like he was starting to have what felt like an anxiety attack. His chest felt tight and he felt like he had trouble breathing. Afterwards his boss told him to take a walk and a break to clear his head.This caused him more stress because he feels that as someone who is supposed to be a leader he should have a better grip on things. He told me that he spoke to his mom and she offered him her Xanax since she has so many (wonderful smh), but I told him medicating is not a good solution. Especially without speaking to a doctor first.

I feel sort of helpless. FI is the rational, calm, level headed one, the one who makes me feel better as I'm the irrational, emotional one. I don't really know what to do to help make him feel better.  I know that this will pass, things will stabilize at his job, but with his company going through major changes, it looks that things will just get worse. We discussed the possibility of him getting a job elsewhere, because no job is worth this crap. In the meantime though, I don't know what to do to make him feel better and less stressed. Do you guys have any advice on what I can do with FI to help him feel better and get his mind off work? Would him going to a doctor be a good idea, just in case he may have anxiety issues?

mysticl

I've been in similar shoes to his.  Especially the part where people quit so your work load just went through the roof. I've also been the person who transferred to another position only to be sucked back in. 

There isn't a lot you can really do.  Listen. Be supportive if he decides to move on.  Try to make the rest of his life as stress free as possible.  Keep his mother's xanex as far a way from him as possible.  "Accidentally" run over his blackberry with your car 5 or 6 times.  That last one was a joke………sorta.  

As for going to the doctor, it's a good idea. Stress can cause all sorts of health problems. And as someone who has had anxiety issues his symptoms are similar to mine……they also sound like a few other things and only a doctor can sort that out. Anti-anxiety meds could be helpful, just not ones illegally obtained from his mom.   

littlemushroom

He may have had a mild anxiety attack, but it sounds more situational than a true anxiety disorder that needs medication (especially if he hasn't had issues in the past).  I have an anxiety disorder where I have panic attacks randomly, and they truly suck.  Since he has family history of anxiety disorders, he could see a doctor if he wishes.  Xanax didn't help me, and I have learned to deal with them on my own without medication.

My FI is also an IT manager, so I have dealt with him being super stressed about work and having to do things at odd hours of the night and weekend.  Whenever he is having a rough stretch at work, I take over all the housework that he normally helps with or handles without mentioning it.  Basically, I want him to have to do as little at home as possible so he can try to decompress.

FI loves cuddling, so I make sure when he is home we are cuddling or touching in some way.  I rub his shoulders while he is in the kitchen heating something up or making a drink, I give foot rubs, I curl up against him while we are watching tv, and basically shower him with as much affection as I can.

FI gets really quiet when he is stressed, so I tell some lighthearted stories about my day and friends to get him to smile a bit, and then just mostly stay quiet so he can work through things in his head.  He doesn't usually talk about his day or frustrations until it is almost time for bed.  Then I just listen and give him more cuddles since I am worse than useless when it comes to helpful suggestions relating to IT.  If your FI is a talker, maybe do the opposite of that?

He says it really helps when I am just there and show him how much I love him without letting his mood bring me down and make me surly too.  Good luck and I really hope work gets better for your FI soon!

pinkcow13

mysticl - I really like the running over the blackberry idea! lol. Yea, I definitely do not want him taking his Mom's meds. I think I'll tell him to schedule an appointment with his doctor, and maybe he could recommend other alternatives.

NikkiJay3333 - Sounds like we are almost in the same shoes! Yup, it is not fun when his blackberry goes off in the middle of the night, or when he has to go in on weekends. I noticed that he gets really quiet now, too. I'm the chatterbox in the relationship, but I see that he is not as talkative. I think tonight I'll make us a yummy meal that he'll really enjoy, rather than the boring healthy stuff I make on weekdays. He did tell me after lunch that I made him feel a lot better and calmer

mysticl

pinkcow13 said:

mysticl - I really like the running over the blackberry idea! lol. Yea, I definitely do not want him taking his Mom's meds. I think I'll tell him to schedule an appointment with his doctor, and maybe he could recommend other alternatives.

NikkiJay3333 - Sounds like we are almost in the same shoes! Yup, it is not fun when his blackberry goes off in the middle of the night, or when he has to go in on weekends. I noticed that he gets really quiet now, too. I'm the chatterbox in the relationship, but I see that he is not as talkative. I think tonight I'll make us a yummy meal that he'll really enjoy, rather than the boring healthy stuff I make on weekdays. He did tell me after lunch that I made him feel a lot better and calmer

I know someone who had her pager meet with a tragic accident.  It was so common where she worked that during the hiring process they told people how quickly they were able to replace them.  

MamaAlly89

My FI works in local news so his job is very stressful in general since he always had a deadline working against him. Whenever we have a day off together I try to plan something fun to get his mind off of work for the day. Sometimes we just lay by the pool all afternoon or have a few drinks and watch Netflix all night. Other times we go out to the driving range at night or the comedy club. It always seems to help relieve the stress a little, even if its just for that one day!

lyndausvi

Sorry to hear about your husband.  

My husband is very stressed right now also.  I literally just got off the phone with him and he said "I will see you in Sept".   While we live together, he is so busy with work he has to work 12 hour days 7 days a week between now and Sept.     At least in our case we know there is an end.  Things start slowing down near the end of Aug, with lunch ending in mid sept.  Dinners drop to 4 days a week near the end of Sept.       Plus there are potential good bonuses coming.  In addition to that DH has not really come to terms with last weeks tragedy. 

It's tough to see him so stressed and there is nothing I can do but be supportive.  Honestly, i'm sometimes failing on the supportive front.  The entire household has fallen into my hands.  I'm eating meals alone.  So I'm getting a little overwhelmed myself.  

Anyway, in my case there is an end and very likely a small pot of gold waiting for us.   We already have tentative plans for a trip when the club closes in mid-fall.   In the mean, time I try not to add any other stress.  I'm trying to make home life as easy for him as possible so there is less things he has to worry about. I let him vent to me or just snuggle without saying a word.

pinkcow13

lyndausvi, yea sometimes I feel like maybe I'm failing on the supportive front myself. It's more that I don't always know what to say, but I guess that doesn't matter so much as just being there. I know your DH must be extremely stressed with work and dealing with last weeks rafting incident. Last night I made us margatitas, and we sat on the balcony drinking them which was nice. 

schramm2407, this weekend is the first weekend all month that we don't have something to do, so I think I'm going to plan something fun for us to do on Saturday. Or rather, let him decide on something fun that we can do

Dignity100

I work in IT, it's me and 1 other guy on my team and we support several major hospitals.  Because nobody else in my department is trained, we are 24/7.  It sucks, but it is temporary, we are getting more help and we also plan on bringing other people up to speed on the department.

Does his job have an EAP (employee assistance program).  Many companies will give 3-4 free counseling sessions where he might be able to discuss his work related stress and come up with a better plan for a work-life balance as part of the EAP.

As far as where he works, I was in the financial sector for 12 years of my career before.  I am going to ask this based on the local financial corporations around here.  How does he feel about the company as a whole?  How does his employer treat him?  Does he feel secure in his job?  Are they getting valid applicants to fill the vacant positions?  I am bringing these up because I know the financial companies around here were roller coasters, at times they looked at their IT departments as a great resource for helping them get revenue, and then there are times where they look at their IT departments as a major expense because they are not the revenue drivers of the corporation (sure you're supporting the websites, mainframe and backend computer interfaces that RUN the business - but you're not out there meeting with customers).

Hope things calm down for him soon!!

pinkcow13

Dignity100 - I think his company may offer EAP, that's a good idea and worth looking into.

His company was recently bought out by a major investment bank, so the company is looking to expand. Right now I don't think he feels great about the company and the direction that it is going in. Overall his employer treats him well. He has great benefits and some good perks. It's other departments within the company that are very demanding and sound like assholes. And he does not feel secure at his job. For the time being he does because he knows that his particular department cannot afford to lose another person, let alone a manager, but overall his job sounds volatile. They fire people at the drop of a hat. It seems that they are getting valid applicants and are rushing to hire 2 people that they interviewed, but it will take a while to get them fully up and running.

I had to take an IT class for my MBA and like you said, financial companies look at IT departments as an expense, which I never knew. I never really understood what he did (I always joked that he was like Chandler from Friends) until I took that class. I think that it is time for him to explore other options. I think once your job is making you so miserable, it is time to move on. 

aspoonfulofsugar

I know exactly how you feel. FI works for an international company and their European counterparts updated their system and then everything went crazy. He also started working longer hours and some weekends. I hear his phone go off all night. It's so terrible feeling so helpless. At night I'll let him watch what he wants, listen to the baseball game when we're in bed, or plan things he enjoys on weekends. It sounds like you're doing a great job of being supportive of your FI. Just remind him that things won't stay like this forever.

pinkcow13

aspoonfulofsugar - We have definitely been watching a lot more "The Wire" than Lifetime in the past few days lol. We just spoke and he's having a better day than yesterday, but he still feels crappy. We're going to do lunch again, maybe even watch the World Cup, and hopefully his day goes well. It really does suck feeling overall helpless, I wish I had a want to make everything perfect