Friend is in love with a guy that uses her for sex...

GriffinsMustFly

I don't want to judge anyone, but I'm at the end of my rope. Title says it all. This girl is awesome and is a great friend but she just cannot pick guys. Every relationship she's been in has been drastically physically or mentally abusive. The guy she's in love with now currently dated her for a month before leaving her because he "wasn't good enough for her" (his words) but allows her to sleep with him, come over to his house to stay the night with him and allows her to buy things for him. When he dumped her I had to talk her out of killing herself on Christmas Eve. Now over half a year later she still talks obsessively about him everyday and sleeps with him a few times a week. He likes other girls on Facebook and posts all the time about how he wants to find a great girl, but my friend still believes he's the one. He is obviously using her and no matter how many times I talk to her about it she insists he's her knight in shining armor. He insists that the reason they areNt together is because that it isn't the right time, that other people will try to break them up, and that he isn't ready. I think these are all BS reasons and that he is only keeping her around until someone else comes along. There is a wonderful guy that is head over heels for her and fits all of her wants in a man but she refuses to give him or anyone else a chance because of this guy. I defended her against him one time after Christmas and she ended up siding with him! I usually would just let this slide off my shoulders but we are on vacation together and she won't stop obsessing over him! I can't stand it anymore! What is it gonna take for this girl to see that he's using her?

bethsmiles

Your friend (I assume) is an adult.  Besides being honest with her about your concerns, and possibly losing her friendship, there isn't much you can do. People have to make their own mistakes in life. 

Personally, I would voice my concerns. If she doesn't listen, I'd tell her I don't want to hear about it because I have nothing else to say and the change the subject whenever she brings it up.

Dignity100

@BethSmiles has great advice.  I agree talk to her and tell her your concerns.  I would remind her that she's not in a committed relationship and maybe she should try dating other people.  After you voice your concerns, if she decides not to listen, it's really just a matter of deciding if you want to be there for her or not.

Pepperally

I had a friend with whom I was frustrated who was in a similar situation.  She didn't live in the same state as me so I was able to distance myself from all of her poor choices.  I wouldn't say the guy was mentally abusive (perhaps a touch by stringing her along), but definitely was never going to commit to her like she kept secretly thinking...basically a friends with benefits situation.  From time to time I would vent to her about these self-sabotaging behaviors, but I never did it in a "you're an idiot" kind of way...that doesn't work well (my other friends tried that approach).  I simply told her I was concerned for her and thought she deserved better.  But yeah, she's an adult and there isn't much you can do other than either try to be supportive or distance yourself for a bit.  In her case, hers sort of blew up in her face when she got pregnant with his kid.  He already had two kids with someone else, and was not even pleased when he found out she was pregnant, and still has yet to sign the birth certificate 2 years later.  Luckily she moved away from him and back near me, so who knows how it would've gone if she stayed there...but she is supposed to move back next year so the chaos might ensue again.  Granted, her baby is fabulous, but she struggles a lot with being a single mom. 

loves2shop4shoes

I think that convincing her to leave him is like giving Advil to a person with an axe through their head: treating the symptom, not the disease.

The much larger issue at play is the fact that she does not have any self esteem, and for whatever reason does not believe that she deserves to be treated better. Tolerating abuse? Contemplating suicide over a break up? The kind of help she needs is the kind only a professional can give her.

If I were you, I'd focus your energy into convincing her to go to therapy, not convincing her to sever ties with the loser.

500days

I agree with the advice @bethsmiles has given. Your friend is going to make the choices that she wants to make at the end of the day. She's going to have to learn through her own mistakes, and it's super shitty- but that's life. I bet it is really irritating to hear about this loser all of the time, but if she really is your friend then I think you should be as supportive as you can. Because when shit hits the fan and she realizes that he really doesn't want anything to with her, you will be there for her. That's what you can do. 

lilacck28

Agree with PP but wanted to add: I hate guys like that. I'm sure many of us have known them. I had a "relationship" like that (sans any sex/ physical stuff) with a guy in highschool/ college. What a jerk. "you're the kind of woman I'm going to marry when I'm done being immature. I love you. You're so smart. I can't wait for the timing to be right" 

BS. Such BS. 

I hope your friend realizes that she is just on the hook, and gathers back some of her self esteem. 

bride2b71614

Take @bethsmiles‌' advice. Your friend is an adult, and is allowed to make her own choices.

You are not obligated to talk to her about her fwb situation. That being said, I agree with @loves2shop4shoes‌, please encourage your friend to seek treatment. Your friend needs therapy to resolve these issues. You can't play armchair psychiatrist, especially since you are coming from a fed up but concerned standpoint. Be supportive of her while she goes through treatment. At this point there is no reason to stress over this when a professional is more equipped to handle this situation.

GriffinsMustFly

The sad thing is she's going to therapy and we therapist says she needs to distance herself from him, but she's not listening. We had an agreement on this trip that neither one of us would talk about guys and that's the only thing she will talk about is him. She bought presents for every single one of his famiy members and she actually WANTS to get pregnant with his kid. I'm just tired of hearing about it, no matter how many times I try to change the subject or remind her I don't want to talk about him it's like she doesn't care

bethsmiles

I think you need to be brutally honest with her and just tell her to shut the fuck up about it (maybe a little nicer than that). Or just walk away everytime she brings him up.

lilacck28

GriffinsMustFly said:

The sad thing is she's going to therapy and we therapist says she needs to distance herself from him, but she's not listening. We had an agreement on this trip that neither one of us would talk about guys and that's the only thing she will talk about is him. She bought presents for every single one of his famiy members and she actually WANTS to get pregnant with his kid. I'm just tired of hearing about it, no matter how many times I try to change the subject or remind her I don't want to talk about him it's like she doesn't care

She sounds like she is delusional. And I mean that in the clinical way. I would also be very worried about her, but other than telling her you think she is very wrong, there's nothing you can do. 

500days

She bought presents for his family?! That's pretty over the top, IMO. It's too bad that she will not listen to you or the therapist...she's definitely defining her own destiny here.