Should I discuss guest list with FILs?

luckya23

I'm going to see SO's family for the first time since we were engaged this weekend. 

I have a very preliminary guest list (my family, his family, b list, c list), but I assume I should find out somehow if I'm missing any of their "must invites"? 

We are looking at venues this weekend, so having a better idea of the "his side" list would be beneficial, but I don't want to... ask for additions, really!!  It would also be nice to see their thoughts on how many from their side are likely to attend.

How did/would you all handle this? 

blabla89

First things first: come up with a budget and determine how many people you can afford to host. And even if you think some people won't show up, you should budget for 100% attendance. Then work with your FI to build the guest list accordingly. I think your FI should have a pretty good handle on who from his side needs to be invited, so asking FILs probably isn't necessary. And it can get sticky if they think you're offering them the opportunity to add to the guest list. The exception, of course, is if they're paying - then they do get some say in the guest list.

FI and I prioritized our guests as must invite, really want to invite, or optional, and ended up only being able invite the must invite and the really want to invite guests, in order to make our budget numbers work.

vk2204

 

scribe95 said:

Well are they contributing at all? If not, then I think you guys look at your budget and see how many you can host. Of the remaining amount you can let them fill some of the slots. But give them the number in advance. Don't just say 'so who else should be invited?'

Ditto this.

mysticl

I left that up to my husband. He gave me his list.Then his mother informed him he forgot someone (I'm really not sure how that came up) and I sent out a last minute invite.  

I asked my mom if there was anyone on our side I missed and then I vetoed her suggestion. Her reason for inviting them was that they were some relative of my step-father's and they had invited him and mom to their kids' weddings. My reason for not inviting them was not only had I not been invited to those weddings I had never met or had any type of communication with these people. Since DH was paying for the wedding I wasn't inviting complete strangers to my wedding because someone else felt they were "owed" an invite as some sort of return favor.  

southernbelle0915

scribe95 said:

Well are they contributing at all? If not, then I think you guys look at your budget and see how many you can host. Of the remaining amount you can let them fill some of the slots. But give them the number in advance. Don't just say 'so who else should be invited?'

Exactly this. 

And don't have a B list and C list. 

7651arty

Don't discuss your invite list with anyone until you've set your venue & catering budgets and picked your caterer. Then you'll be able to figure out how many you can safely invite. You and FI make your guest list, and then if you have room and wish to allow parents to invite people, say, "Mom and MIL, we only have enough space for you to invite 5 couples each, no more".

No B or C list. No one wants to receive an invite a month after their neighbor did. They will know you consider them a low-priority back up plan.

emmaaa

I asked FMIL who from her family she wanted me to invite and any friends. She gave me the list and said, "You can take off anyone you want to but you should probably leave all of the Uncles on there." I didn't end up taking anyone off.

I think it is important that both families, your and his, are represented and both parents are satisfied with the guest list.

AddieCake

I'm going to hope by B and C list those are not people you intend to invite after you get RSVPs back declining and that they are just ranked prior to ALL invitations going out. And ditto Scribe. 

luckya23

Sorry, the B and C list are people outside of our parents' immediate families, so I consider the My Side and His Side the must invites, and the others optional add ins due to cost, and feeling like if I invite one of my mom's cousins, I have to invite the whole lot of them, which numbers like 26!  They make up the majority of B list.  Obviously I would have to decide that well before invites went out.

C list is my friends from college who live all over and probably wouldn't come anyway, but I would extend the invite if we did something really affordable! 

You're all right I probably need to start with the venue/budget, I guess it just has me stressed out that what I had considered my first choice only holds 99.  I probably wouldn't be able to have B list in that case.

I guess I kind of have everyone I know on one of the lists, but SO hasn't added any beyond his parents' siblings that I already knew of, so his list is at 38 I believe.  That's why I thought maybe the FILs would be better to ask, but I should just bother SO about it more!  Especially if it's just for ideas who they may want for the time being. 

Plus like 80% of the list will have to travel, between 3 hr drive and flying from other states, so there's that too.