What to do when someone thinks you don't like them

badbnagdway

Friend and her new fi had rocky moments prior to the engagement. It was hard on everyone including those of us who are friends with her to see how much heartbreak she went through with him over whether they would get engaged, their differences, etc. He is not a flat-out bad guy, though he tends to be a self-preservationist (you take that risk, I'll be over here where it's safe). Of the people I know well that know this couple no one thinks they really go well together. In fact not long before the engagement friend had said some things that made us (us being a group of close girlfriends) think she was considering breaking it off with the now fi. Now that the ring is on the finger it's a different tune. 

I have reconciled myself to the fact that I don't understand their relationship and that my friend is marrying a guy who once abandoned her in a mall parking lot at night by herself because they were in a fight. I found out recently from one of the our mutual friends that friend and her fiance think I don't like him. If I'm being honest that is probably a little true. But, I feel I have done a lot to try to get to know him and have made a lot of small gestures to make him more comfortable around me (along the lines of having a tasty morsel he likes at a party, throwing them a party, etc.). He has never made any similar effort towards me and, per the friend, thinks my bf, soon to be fiance, is not good enough to be friends with him (this is something that chafed me really badly). 

I feel like if I don't somehow fix this situation the friendship will eventually end. How can it not, if her husband thinks I don't like him? But I don't know how to fix it or what I should do. 

wandajune6

I can't stand one of FI's closest friends. She's got a seriously mean sense of humor and brings that out in FI. I hate it. She's also a major flirt, focusing her attention on guys who are unavailable. Grrr.

She just got dumped by her long-time boyfriend (ironically, FSIL's brother). She's been looking for a new apartment, etc. and is a mess. My approach has been to be super-nice. She's spent a few nights at our place. I started stocking her favorite soda and junk food (she didn't come over often before). I offered to help her pack the day before FI and I help her move. Basically, I've been so f**king nice that she thinks I'm her biggest fan.

Don't be (horribly) insincere but do what you can to show that you like him. Fake it until you start to believe it.

hellosweetie1015

Is this a friendship you would like to maintain in the future? If it is, I would attempt to figure out exactly why you don't like him. Is it a personality quirk, or is it that he's an asshole to your friend? (Either are legitimate reasons, but one is more serious than the other, I think.) It also sounds as if he is on a high horse regarding your STBFI and whether or not he is "good enough" to be friends with.

I would seriously consider whether this is a friendship that I am willing to continue, and I would also remember that "fixing the situation" should be a two-way street. To me it sounds like you've done everything in your power to save the friendship, and her FI is trying to destroy it. 

Also - just saying - if someone said that my FI wasn't "good enough" to be friends with/be around/whatever, I'd have punched them in the jaw and told them to kiss my ass. 

OliveOilsMom

Knottie83906351 said:

Friend and her new fi had rocky moments prior to the engagement. It was hard on everyone including those of us who are friends with her to see how much heartbreak she went through with him over whether they would get engaged, their differences, etc. He is not a flat-out bad guy, though he tends to be a self-preservationist (you take that risk, I'll be over here where it's safe). Of the people I know well that know this couple no one thinks they really go well together. In fact not long before the engagement friend had said some things that made us (us being a group of close girlfriends) think she was considering breaking it off with the now fi. Now that the ring is on the finger it's a different tune. 

I have reconciled myself to the fact that I don't understand their relationship and that my friend is marrying a guy who once abandoned her in a mall parking lot at night by herself because they were in a fight. I found out recently from one of the our mutual friends that friend and her fiance think I don't like him. If I'm being honest that is probably a little true. But, I feel I have done a lot to try to get to know him and have made a lot of small gestures to make him more comfortable around me (along the lines of having a tasty morsel he likes at a party, throwing them a party, etc.). He has never made any similar effort towards me and, per the friend, thinks my bf, soon to be fiance, is not good enough to be friends with him (this is something that chafed me really badly). 

I feel like if I don't somehow fix this situation the friendship will eventually end. How can it not, if her husband thinks I don't like him? But I don't know how to fix it or what I should do. 

First, you probably don't like your friend's FI because of the stories that she told you about him. So if your friend is frustrated and wants to vent about her FI, tell her that you aren't the best person to hear it. Tell her that you want to get to know and like her FI for the person she sees him as, but when she tells you the shitty things he's done to her, it is hard for you to see anything but that. Tell her that you support all of her decisions and you hope she is happy.

Next, you don't have to go around trying to prove to this guy that you like him. Also, your bf and him don't ever have to be friends or get along with each other, just because their SOs are friends. But when you and bf are around this guy, just be cordial.

manateehugger

This is the danger with complaining to friends about your SO a lot, I think. People start to think the worst - and you never really know if it is the worst or if they just have some bad moments she gets upset over (though yeah, the mall thing, he'd have some serious making up to do - serious). 

So next time she vents, ask her if this is common, if there are good moments and what those good moments are. You can even be up front and say, "When you tell me this stuff, it makes it hard to like him for your sake." 

But anyway, I'm not sure why you are so concerned that they think you don't like him when you don't like him. You don't have to like this guy; you only have to support and care for your friend. I cannot stand one of my best friend's boyfriends. Seriously dislike him; he's an asshole. But that doesn't mean she and I aren't friends and can't be supportive. 

badbnagdway

CaitTDid23: I certainly do want the friendship to be saved. There are a lot of issues with the friendship, if I'm being totally honest, and a lot of them are maturity based on friend and fi's behalf. They are a couple years younger than me and I chalk it up partly to that. However, ending the friendship would be difficult in a lot of ways including professionally as we are involved in a lot of the same activities. We also share a circle of friends. I truly believe she is a good person but I will admit that she tests most people's patience. And as for the insult to my SO, the jist of the comment was that he is not well-to-do enough. It irks me a lot but mostly it is hilarious as he is self-made and financially worth 10 times what most folks our age are. 

OliveOilsMom: I would agree with that, it's hard to see someone for who they are when you routinely hear about them through a filter. 

I would agree that in theory it is not my responsibility to fix the situation, as I know I have tried to be supportive and positive. It will be an interesting time in our friendship as we both will be wedding planning at the same time. I think it's possible we won't weather the storm but I will be truly sorry if that isn't the case. 

morphemes

I could see why you wouldn't be his biggest fan (he left her in a parking lot at night?!), and I wouldn't necessarily go out of my way to make him think I like him. That could come off as fake and just make the problem worse. 

I think the best thing to do is to behave normally around him and to, if possible, do as PP have suggested and try to get your friend to share happier stories with you. Other than that, I would just be sure that he is included when appropriate (invites to couples dinners, etc) and be polite to him when you encounter him. If he is convinced you don't like him, there's not much more you can do but be polite and respectful. 

badbnagdway

PDKH to be fair since the engagement she has not been complaining much about him. For a time it was constant. I guess that you're right that I don't have to like him, but I do think that over time it will impact our friendship.