Mother in Law and the Dress Shopping Situation

stepiethestepper

My FMIL has invited herself to dress shopping. She has done this by saying, "when are WE going dress shopping" several times to me. I keep saying I am waiting for my cousin to come into town in mid- August. My FMIL and I are not close. She has called me a Bridezilla to my face twice. I have asked my friends, Fiance and my own mother if I have been acting like a bridezilla because she has said this to me and no one thinks I have been a Bridezilla. And honestly I have made every effort to not act that way as I have seen too many bridezilla shows. My FMIL has also made other comments that have hurt my feelings which I won't go into here. 

How do I nicely say, "your not invited to dress shopping" without hurting her feelings? I don't want her to come as she has made rude comments to me at every opportunity, including last week at my Fiance's surprise birthday I planned for him. I am tired of getting my feelings hurt. 

Any suggestions? 

CMGragain

Maybe she is talking about shopping for her own dress?  My mother wasn't interested in my wedding until it was about her.

STARMOON44

When she says "when are we going shopping" don't tell her "in August!" If she's not invited. Instead say "my mother and bridesmaids and I are going later in the summer."

stepiethestepper

Thanks for your suggestions. It has become very apparent that she believes she is coming. Last night at dinner she asked, "When are we going shopping for your dress?" I responded, "My mother and bridesmaids and I are going shopping later this summer." She then responded. "and I am invited of course!" Didn't know what to say so I just smiled. Luckily my Fiance changed the subject right after that so I never had to say anything more.

STARMOON44

Girl, put on your grown up panties. That was your opportunity to say "nope, you're not." Call her today and tell her or give up and let her come. At this point you're being rude by allowing her to continue to think she's invited.

And what is your fiancé thinking ? It wasn't lucky he changed the subject, it was inconvenient and will now be even more awkward.

KatieinBkln

Yeah, I think you're perfectly allowed to say, "I'm just not interested in shopping for my wedding gown with someone who has called me a Bridezilla." And leave it at that. She can try to explain it away or say it was a "joke," but the truth is, she hurt your feelings, and you're allowed to say so. She was rude to call you names, so she screwed up the politeness scales. You don't have to be cruel about it, but I wouldn't worry about telling the truth. Better to let her know that you were hurt now than later (i.e. at the wedding!). Hopefully she can rise above, apologize, and work on behaving more kindly toward you. (This still would not entitle her to being invited to dress shopping; it would entitle her to your goodwill. Repeated attempts on her part to treat you better may--eventually--lead to her earning your trust.)

Don't let this be about "politeness." Down that road lies pain, passive-aggression, and bad blood. Be as matter-of-fact and upfront as you can on this one.

novella1186

Dress shopping is your big special day. I woke up on dress shopping day feeling like it was Christmas morning. I don't blame you for not wanting her to come, but I agree with the other PP that you need to tell her sooner rather than later. You can tell her she's made too many hurtful comments to you, or you can simply say you're reserving this experience for just your own mother. But as for her repeated nasty comments, I've dealt with people like this too many times, and she's always going to do that to you. If you get snappy with her about it, it gives her an excuse to be a bigger bitch. If you ignore the comments, they'll keep hurting your feelings. I've learned the best way to handle it is as soon as something mean comes out of her mouth, look her straight in the eyes and say "That was hurtful." And nothing more. It immediately shuts them down, calls them out for being a bitch, and forces them to reflect on what they just said. Maybe she'll realize she's making you feel bad and finally knock it off.

atlastmrsg

Either simply don't provide her with the date/time/place and go with who you want to go with, or do what @starmoon44 said, and tell her no.

Since you probably want to cause less drama, not more, I'm partial to just doing it without her.  Think of how happy you'll be when you see the expression on her face when she asks in September and you can tell her "oh, I bought my gown last month."  I like to handle things swiftly, but behind the scenes when I can.  But if she asks again, or you think someone might tell her (FI?) when the shopping trip is, you have to tell her no.

Small chance there's a flip side--what if she wants to go because she wants to help you pay for it as a nice present or to bury the hatchet?  Could be possible.  But if I was in this situation, whatever that money is wouldn't be worth letting her have a say or having to deal with the scenario of her wanting you to pick one dress, you loving another.

PS: This is good practice at growing a pair.  You need to learn to deal with things--like when you have inevitable wedding decisions, such guest list problems...say your best guy friend wants to bring the girl he met last week and her gaggle of crying 8-week-old sextuplets to your wedding as his plus 7.  Will he get to walk on you?  Not if you are assertive.

MobKaz

There is a way to let her know she is not included without being hurtful to her or "getting even". 

My first suggestion is to absolutely stop discussing dress shopping.  If it does become a topic again, all you have to say is, "MIL, my mom and I have always planned on this being a special time between a mom and her daughter.  I'm sure you understand."

If she doesn't understand,  all you need to say is, "I'm sorry you don't understand, but this is the choice we have made."

IF you want, you can follow that statement up with, "I'd be happy for you to come along once my purchased dress arrives for me to try on."  But only add that if you think you would be able to follow through on the promise.  It sounds like she may not stop making comments, which would definitely prevent me from offering future promises.

stepiethestepper

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I have decided that I am just going to tell her that my mother and I had planned to do this as mother and daughter. I know it is important to my mother that we do this together and it is a special moment between her and I. Once I purchase my dress you can come to a fitting. But this is a moment that I want to share with just my mother.