So what exactly CAN you require of your guests?

MGP

After yesterday's debacle continuing into today, I got to thinking what a bride can rationally expect/require/whatever you want to call it of their guests.  I think this list is truly quite short:

arrive on time

be quiet/respectful during the ceremony

adhere to dress code (only if the VENUE requires it)

not do anything illegal - even this one seems to be a gray area

And even those things don't happen all the time!

Anyone have anything else to add?

luckysnorkel

flantastic said:

MGP said:

After yesterday's debacle continuing into today, I got to thinking what a bride can rationally expect/require/whatever you want to call it of their guests.  I think this list is truly quite short:

arrive on time

be quiet/respectful during the ceremony

adhere to dress code (only if the VENUE requires it)

not do anything illegal - even this one seems to be a gray area

And even those things don't happen all the time!

Anyone have anything else to add?

I think the bolded is funny because this just illustrates that you can't control the behavior of adults. You can "require" things in the sense that no one will fault you for starting on time or for having security remove people who are shouting at you during your vows or doing illegal things at your reception, but there is no way you can preemptively stop them from showing up late or smoking marijuana.

Exactly!

Every time I see a question from someone, on here or elsewhere, that starts with "How do I make sure my guests don't..."  my knee-jerk brain response is "You don't.  You can't."  Doesn't matter how that sentence ends, whether it's a perfectly reasonable wish or batshit crazy snowflake whim, it's ultimately always the same answer.

theartistformerlyknownas

We can only reasonably EXPECT things of our guests, not require them. There's nothing you can require of another human being capable of free thought and actions. You can enact appropriate repercussions (i.e. smash cake in my face and I will have you removed from the reception, even if you are the groom) but you can't preemptively require anything of anyone.

iloveotters2014

The only guest behavior that my venue expected of me was for them not to bring in alcohol or we would be kicked out. Same with minors drinking. (which I kind of felt like was the venue's problem not mine. They are the ones bartending)

manateehugger

I mean generally, I think you can expect people to not behave like assholes and conform to accepted social behavior for the event they are attending - so yeah, being quiet when you should, be on time, don't start a food fight, etc.

And there were definitely minors drinking at our wedding, but I figured that wasn't my problem lol.

ohannabelle

I think you can reasonably expect guests to behave according to etiquette. Nope, there's no way to enforce etiquette, but I wish there was. So I'd add these:

RSVP on time.

Don't try to add guests in/substitute guests.

Behave politely and kindly to other guests, even the ones you can't stand.

And an old rule that's seldom followed anymore, but I support it, and wish everyone still followed it:

For goodness sake, send your gift or card to the couple before the wedding. Or after, if you must. It's a kind and polite thing to do, and alleviates the nonsense of having them transport a car load of gifts, or worrying about cards being stolen. 

holyguacamole79

Meh.  DH's uncle arrived late to our wedding and walked up & down the aisle greeting people while the bridal party was processing.  If you consider the bridal party entrance part of the ceremony, then he violated 2 of these guidelines.  And DH & I are still happily married.

It was kind of entertaining, actually, since I had never met this uncle and had NO idea who he was.  I didn't hear about this until a few days after the wedding, when my mom and Godmother asked me "who was the biker dude walking around at the start of your wedding?"  (yes, he was in his biker gear.  In a Catholic Church.  Didn't bother me).

perdonami

I think it speaks volumes about the guest with their bad behavior and not so much about the host/ess. 

 Instead overthinking the situation, just assume that most adults are responsbile enough to be respectful at a wedding.

 Its best just to let it go and try not to let it get to you. Unless a guest's behavior becomes abusive to another guest.

annathy03

ohannabelle said:

I think you can reasonably expect guests to behave according to etiquette. Nope, there's no way to enforce etiquette, but I wish there was. So I'd add these:

RSVP on time.

Don't try to add guests in/substitute guests.

Behave politely and kindly to other guests, even the ones you can't stand.

And an old rule that's seldom followed anymore, but I support it, and wish everyone still followed it:

For goodness sake, send your gift or card to the couple before the wedding. Or after, if you must. It's a kind and polite thing to do, and alleviates the nonsense of having them transport a car load of gifts, or worrying about cards being stolen. 

I like all of these, and again from an expectation side (since you can't REQUIRE your guests to do anything), I'd add dressing appropriately.  I would never say a word to my crazy aunt, but I was relieved she declined after she wore hot pants, feather boa, and sparkling tiara to my cousins wedding.  She was irritated they'd only invited adults (how dare you not invite her grandchildren somewhere) and decided she'd be the kid to "send a message" to the B&G, because she's a peach like that.

Basically, it would be lovely of guests to hide their crazy for a few hours.  But, as hosts all you can control is your reaction to said crazy.  I would have laughed my ass off if peach showed up looking ridiculous.

PrettyGirlLost

lolo883 said:

We can only reasonably EXPECT things of our guests, not require them. There's nothing you can require of another human being capable of free thought and actions. You can enact appropriate repercussions (i.e. smash cake in my face and I will have you removed from the reception, even if you are the groom) but you can't preemptively require anything of anyone.

^This.  Personally, I don't think any Bride should be approaching her wedding day with the mentality of having requirements or expectations of her guests.  You'd be setting yourself up for unnecessary stress.

I don't really worry that much about how grown ass adults behave around me on a daily basis, so I sure as shit don't have time to worry about it on my wedding day ;-)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh7UgAprdpM

lc07

Some people were late to the ceremony. Shrug. I found out after the fact that someone was smoking pot on the balcony. Didn't know it at the time. Shrug. One of my bridesmaids got into a big argument with her husband. Didn't know it at the time. I mean, shit happens. People are human. They do their thing. 

I would require my guests to not be physically combatant with each other else they be removed by security. 

This stuff is just not really worth worrying about.

Rosebubbly

Wow how crazy the world would be if people were heckling the bride and groom and yelling during the ceremony. Just a random visual picture I had...

CMGragain

Many years ago, I had a long term substitute teacher assignment as a "home economics" teacher.  (I don't know what they call that now.)  The students were mostly from a subsidized housing neighborhood near Ft. Meade, MD.  I was not allowed to supervise any cooking, and the kids were livid, because they took the class so they could eat the food.
I decided to teach them some etiquette about hosting a party.  After all, your wedding is really a ceremony, followed by a party to celebrate the event.
I asked them "When you are giving a party, what is your job?"
The universal answer was "To have a good time!"  (Bridezillas in training?)
They were astonished to hear that this was NOT their job.  I told them about their duties as hosts.  I told them about their duties if they were guests.  They had never been taught any of it.  Some listened.  Some were in denial.  I wonder if I made a difference in anyone's life that day?

lizandmark2014

The only thing I expected was for my guests to show up.

Jen4948

All you can require them to do is the following: 1) Refrain from violence or illegal substance consumption 2) Abide by the rules of the venue(s). Nothing else. You can't require them to arrive on time, refrain from getting falling-down drunk, or not dressing appropriately (unless the venue has a dress code).  

But if a guest brings an uninvited guest, you can tell them that the uninvited guest can't be accommodated and then not accommodate that uninvited person.

drptobe14

@CMGragain that's amazing. In high school, my Home Economics teacher set up plates and whatnot and taught us how to eat properly at a fancy restaurant prior to homecoming and prom. I still haven't forgotten what she taught us, and I'm sure you changed the viewpoints of a lot of students.

melbenso

lizandmark2014 said:

The only thing I expected was for my guests to show up.

Even this doesn't always happen.  We had 6 no-shows to our wedding.  They all had good reason: sitter canceled last minute, family emergency, sick, etc.

The only things I expected of my guests was that they not do anything illegal and that they have a good time.  Both things seem to have been accomplished.

thisismynickname2

You are "required" to behave like a decent human being or you will suffer the consequences of the venue physically escorting you off the premises and potentially pressing charges. Actions have consequences.

lyndausvi

You can't require your guests to do a god damn thing.   Nothing. Nada.

Now you can hope they will

show up on time or even show at all (I had no-shows)

not be an ass

wear the appropriate clothes if the venue has a dress code

not do anything illegal

Those are only hopes though, not requirements.   But like PP said, actions have consequences.  Just because you can't require an another person to do anything doesn't mean there will not be consequences if they choose to make an ass of themselves.

jenijoyk

CMGragain said:

Many years ago, I had a long term substitute teacher assignment as a "home economics" teacher.  (I don't know what they call that now.)  The students were mostly from a subsidized housing neighborhood near Ft. Meade, MD.  I was not allowed to supervise any cooking, and the kids were livid, because they took the class so they could eat the food.
I decided to teach them some etiquette about hosting a party.  After all, your wedding is really a ceremony, followed by a party to celebrate the event.
I asked them "When you are giving a party, what is your job?"
The universal answer was "To have a good time!"  (Bridezillas in training?)
They were astonished to hear that this was NOT their job.  I told them about their duties as hosts.  I told them about their duties if they were guests.  They had never been taught any of it.  Some listened.  Some were in denial.  I wonder if I made a difference in anyone's life that day?

I'm confused what this part has to do with the rest of the story.

Marzipan13

I'm expecting my guests to show up not dead and not naked.  That's it.  But that doesn't mean I can require it, and that doesn't mean it wouldn't happen!