bridesmaid drama = upset bride

missmarissa14

Yesterday one of my bridesmaids (we will call her M) called me very upset. She told me that another BM (my Fiance's sister, let's call her D) was giving her major problems. M explained they were talking about my bachelorette party and that since she is a stay at home Mom with 2 weddings coming up she's not sure if she can afford it. D basically said there is 9 months to save for it so it shouldn't be a problem. It escalated from there and they got REALLY nasty towards each other. "Sorry you're a bored stay at home Mom"
"F@ck off"
"Karma is a bitch...."
"The difference between you and your brother (the groom) is that he's a good person. Major difference"
......just SOME of the things that were said.

It escalated so much that there was nothing that could be said to resolve the issue. I asked both of them to put their differences aside for ME. They just kept going.
I begged D to send M an apology message to try and squash it. It said "M, I'm sorry it was a big miscommunication let's be adults and move on.".....to which M replied just defending and justifying herself. So the fighting carried on.

M has gone back and fourth with me about five times in 24 hours on if she can be a BM or not. She even called me saying she still wanted to be a BM and then talked herself out of it in the same conversation. She even said she's not sure if she can even be a guest because D upset her so much. She thinks that D will cause drama no matter what.

I feel as though what everyone is missing is how upset this is making ME! It's so childish and your spat with someone else is more important than putting it aside for my sake? Who's right and wrong doesn't even matter! This is literally the LAST thing I thought I would have to deal with.

I have my friend of 20 years and my future sister in law....with me stuck in the middle. I feel sick to my stomach and I don't know what to do.

GBCK

D is an asshole for trying to dictate budget choices to other people and pretending she knows how much money they do/don't have. At this point, you call M and apologize for D's behavior and the money pressures that weddings inevitably cause, and say you don't care about her being a BM or not, you care about your relationship with her, D and her crap aside. And I'd have your Fi, who is a sibling, so has a very different relationship, talk to D and ask her if she's able to be a BM without being bitchy to M from here on out.

GBCK

missmarissa14 said:

Yesterday one of my bridesmaids (we will call her M) called me very upset. She told me that another BM (my Fiance's sister, let's call her D) was giving her major problems. M explained they were talking about my bachelorette party and that since she is a stay at home Mom with 2 weddings coming up she's not sure if she can afford it. D basically said there is 9 months to save for it so it shouldn't be a problem. It escalated from there and they got REALLY nasty towards each other. "Sorry you're a bored stay at home Mom" "F@ck off" "Karma is a bitch...." "The difference between you and your brother (the groom) is that he's a good person. Major difference" ......just SOME of the things that were said. It escalated so much that there was nothing that could be said to resolve the issue. I asked both of them to put their differences aside for ME. They just kept going. I begged D to send M an apology message to try and squash it. It said "M, I'm sorry it was a big miscommunication let's be adults and move on.".....to which M replied just defending and justifying herself. So the fighting carried on. M has gone back and fourth with me about five times in 24 hours on if she can be a BM or not. She even called me saying she still wanted to be a BM and then talked herself out of it in the same conversation. She even said she's not sure if she can even be a guest because D upset her so much. She thinks that D will cause drama no matter what. I feel as though what everyone is missing is how upset this is making ME! It's so childish and your spat with someone else is more important than putting it aside for my sake? Who's right and wrong doesn't even matter! This is literally the LAST thing I thought I would have to deal with. I have my friend of 20 years and my future sister in law....with me stuck in the middle. I feel sick to my stomach and I don't know what to do.

JIC

NavyBlue143

First of all, it's not your future sister in law's place to tell your friend how to spend her money. Your friend doesn't have to attend an event she can't afford, and she and only she is allowed to determine if she can afford it or not. So FSIL was way out of line. Your friend shouldn't have retaliated, but honestly if someone was insulting my life/ family choices because I couldn't afford to attend a stupid party, I'd get pissed off too.

I personally would take my friend's side. Sure FSIL "apologized", but calling someone a bored housewife and belittling her budget concerns is NOT a miscommunication. And that is probably why your friend will not let it go. But the more adult thing for you to do is to tell both of them to work it out between themselves, and they are both still invited to participate in the wedding. And tell FIs sister to back off on telling other people how to budget. That's seriously rude and presumptuous.

kmmssg

GBCK said:

D is an asshole for trying to dictate budget choices to other people and pretending she knows how much money they do/don't have.

At this point, you call M and apologize for D's behavior and the money pressures that weddings inevitably cause, and say you don't care about her being a BM or not, you care about your relationship with her, D and her crap aside.

And I'd have your Fi, who is a sibling, so has a very different relationship, talk to D and ask her if she's able to be a BM without being bitchy to M from here on out.

Ditto all of this

missmarissa14

I tried to talk to M to make her feel better but it's like nothing I say is good enough. She just keeps coming back to why D is wrong. I just want them to let it go. Ughhhh.

IrishPirate60

missmarissa14 said:

I tried to talk to M to make her feel better but it's like nothing I say is good enough. She just keeps coming back to why D is wrong. I just want them to let it go. Ughhhh.

It's still too fresh. They get to work this one out themselves and they don't get you to run interference.

missmarissa14

Yes, I told M that I think it's best to just cool down and take a break from all of this because it's not getting anyone anywhere. She just came back with. "We'll it doesn't matter the situation will still be the same later." *sigh*

missdelilah

missmarissa14 said:

Yes, I told M that I think it's best to just cool down and take a break from all of this because it's not getting anyone anywhere. She just came back with. "We'll it doesn't matter the situation will still be the same later." *sigh*

I'm sure that time will make M feel a little differently about the whole situation.  I'm sorry that this is such an issue for you, but D seriously stepped out of line, and it isn't M who should be feeling badly here.  I agree with what @julybride2015 said.  Just take a step back and politely explain that it's causing you too much anxiety to be in the middle of it.

Hopefully you can revisit the bridesmaid discussion with both of them in the future and see how it turns out.  If it's causing you serious problems to be uncertain about whether one or other or both of these ladies will be part of your wedding, you can communicate to these to them, along with how much it would mean to you if they could still participate.  Their adults; they don't need to talk to each other if they don't want to.  All they need to do is show up in your choice of dress, treat you well, and smile for the photos right?  

missmarissa14

I told D that she was out of line and that M's lifestyle is none of her business. That is why I told her she owed M an apology. However after reading the messages of them going back and forth, I do believe that M is being over dramatic and it makes me nervous. The day following the initial fight D was explaining what she meant (it was not nasty or rude.) I guess M did not want to talk anymore and said "if you continue to message me I will call the police for harassment"
That was completely unnecessary. And juvenile.
She also texted my fiance to "get your sister on a leash."
Ughhhhhh

I love both of these ladies but I don't want to worry about them. Why should I have to worry.....oh I can't put D next to M in pictures. What if they get into it on the morning of my wedding?

This just makes me really sad. I am not going to bring it up to either of them for the next couple weeks and let it cool down. Hopefully that will work. Fingers crossed.

*Barbie*

they are BOTH being ridiculous. D for thinking she could dictate M's budget, and M for blowing it up and pulling you in. 

"I have no desire to discuss think with either of you. Be adults and work it out amongst yourselves. Leave me out of it. I would like us to continue being friends, and for you to be my bridesmaid, but I understand if you choose to back out. You would still be welcome as a guest, but I understand if you choose not to attend. Let me know what you decide.END OF DISCUSSION"

"but D is wrong... "

"I'm not discussing this."

lather, rinse, repeat.

missmarissa14

I'm not talking about it to either of them. But when M comes to me after she cools down and says "I will be in your wedding but I am not putting up with her, and I will put her in her place...." What do I say to that? She has already made a comment like this and it does not make me feel confident that she will be able to handle herself. I read and re-read the thread between them. What D said in response to "I'm not sure if I can afford it" was "ok, let's not think about it for now. There is still have 9 months to save or figure it out."......and then sh!t hit the fan. To me it wasn't a reason to fight but after that they both said rude things to each other. So for that reason they are both guilty.

VarunaTT

I don't think you should be judging if either one, both, or just one are guilty.  It's really just not something you want to or should be involved in.

I would say, "I would like the two of you to get along, for the sake of both of our friendships and my wedding.  I hope you can act like an adult and restrain yourself for the few hours this will end up being necessary" if M came to me.  You can't stop an adult from doing what they want, but some healthy shaming and a Ho Sit Down Card can go along way.

*Barbie*

missmarissa14 said:

I'm not talking about it to either of them. But when M comes to me after she cools down and says "I will be in your wedding but I am not putting up with her, and I will put her in her place...." What do I say to that? She has already made a comment like this and it does not make me feel confident that she will be able to handle herself. I read and re-read the thread between them. What D said in response to "I'm not sure if I can afford it" was "ok, let's not think about it for now. There is still have 9 months to save or figure it out."......and then sh!t hit the fan. To me it wasn't a reason to fight but after that they both said rude things to each other. So for that reason they are both guilty.

"I'd appreciate if you handle this like an adult, and leave me out of it." Then end the discussion - walk away, hang, up, stop texting/e-mailing, delete the FB post, whatever. Repeat as necessary.