I hate giving money...

timewellwasted93

My boyfriend and I have a wedding to attend in a month. They own a farm, have for some time, and have no registries. Of course, their wedding website says money would be the perfect gift, or some gift cards to these stores...

I get not wanting a whole bunch of gifts when you already have a home. I'm a little bothered at being told money is a good gift. But my biggest problem is the amount. I never know how much to give! This is a very good friend of BF. They've known each other about 15 years. BF wants to give $50. I know it's his friend and his decision, but that seems like a low amount for a close friend.

A little back story: last year we went to a wedding for a not-as-close friend. They had one of those lovely poems asking for money in the invite (it was exceptionally terrible and I'll have to find it and share with you guys...they said something along the lines of preferring benjamins). BF thought it was cute because they folded it in the shape of a boat with a little flag at the top that said "open me!" Eww.

Anyway, this was a wedding we had to travel to, in a town with only bed and breakfasts, that required a minimum 2 night stay. We decided to go to see some of BF's friends from the academy (cop wedding, this is how he met groom as well), celebrate the couple, and have a little mini vacation. It was a bit expensive for us. BF decided on $50 as their gift (which I still thought was low...I'd have gone $75).

We had a wonderful time at the wedding. The request for cash was the only problem. Until we got the thank you note. It thanked us for coming, then said "Thank you for your GENEROUS gift!" Capitalized and double underlined generous. It definitely felt like they were disappointed in receiving only $50. Maybe they were serious in thanking us, but it didn't feel like it. It made me feel like we were cheap, even though they were the rude ones if they were judging our gift.

So this wedding next month is something we don't have to travel to or stay anywhere, and it's a close friend. I really want to give $100 (BF can give his 50 and I'll give the rest), but BF is stubborn. He thinks his amount is perfectly fine, for any wedding, no matter what.

What would you guys give for a wedding like this? And how would you convince such a stubborn person of that? I tried to talk to him already, for it to almost devolve into a fight.

AprilH81

I try to spend about $50 for a shower gift and about $100 for a wedding gift...  I find I'm on the "cheap" side for that a lot of times.

KatieinBkln

Personally, I would neglect to give anyone $$ who was tacky enough to ask for it.

However, it seems like you have more than one problem here. The problem of how much to give is slightly easier--give what you feel comfortable with. If the funds are your boyfriend's, then he gets to decide what he's comfortable with. If you think it's low, you're welcome to supplement the amount from your own pocket.

If your accounts are combined (I was assuming not since you said BF and not DH, but of course that's not always the case for everyone) then it's a bit harder. You might delve deeper and find that he just doesn't think it's necessary to give proportionally to how close the friendship is. Some people have a go-to amount that they give for events; it has nothing to do with how they feel about the recipient. Or maybe he doesn't want to spend more $$ because he's feeling tight on money. If that's the case, then you might have to be prepared to say "Okay, I feel strongly about this, so I will personally cut back on [X expense] to make up the difference."

Regardless of what you two decide to give, please don't fall into the trap of thinking you're a bad guest for not giving a big enough/expensive enough gift. Your presence should be the most important thing; no one should go around expecting gifts! It's lovely to give one, even if it's just a heartfelt card. You can expect a heartfelt thank you note in return. 

abbyj700

I agree with you that people should never ask for money. I also agree that $50 is pretty low - but if that's all you can afford, that's what you do. No one should judge you for giving what you can. 

I typically give $200 + if I attend a wedding (especially with my FI with me) Usually if I'm giving cash it's because I know the couple has taken on all or most of the expense of their wedding and already live together in a home. I do the amount I do to try to supplement the money they've spent on a wonderful reception. It's my way of saying "I really appreciate being part of your day and would like your marriage to start financially ahead rather than behind." 

JCbride2015

For a close friend or family member, I'd give as much as I could comfortably afford to give.  That has been between $50-$400 over the years as life circumstances have changed.  The important thing is you feel comfortable and responsible with the amount you give.

But that's all irrelevant here, because if you ask me for money, guess what you are NOT getting from me?

loveislouder

I was listening to the radio the other day, and a woman was complaining how a certain part of her family attended her (horribly planned, by the sounds of it) wedding and instead of giving cash "as directed on the invite" they gave Monopoly money.  I almost died laughing.

timewellwasted93

It could just be what he's comfortable with, or what he just always does.

We live together, but we don't pay rent (his mother moved out unexpectedly and gave us her house, but she continues to pay mortgage because I can't contribute much. BF agreed that I give him what I am comfortable with out of each paycheck until I graduate from college and get a better job). We've sat down and discussed all of the expenses and I know how much he's able to save every month without overtime or my contribution. Plus his savings account is rather extensive. 

I also know it's not my place to tell him what to do with his money since our accounts are not shared.

I myself could afford to give $50 right now because my tuition and book cost for this last semester are much less than I expected. I may ask him if I can supplement his gift, but then I'll have to tell him I think he's being cheap, which may not be appreciated.

I know I'm not a bad guest and some people are just plain rude when it comes to gifts. It just sucks to be perceived as bad. But thank you for your suggestions.

timewellwasted93

abbyj700 said:

I agree with you that people should never ask for money. I also agree that $50 is pretty low - but if that's all you can afford, that's what you do. No one should judge you for giving what you can. 

I typically give $200 + if I attend a wedding (especially with my FI with me) Usually if I'm giving cash it's because I know the couple has taken on all or most of the expense of their wedding and already live together in a home. I do the amount I do to try to supplement the money they've spent on a wonderful reception. It's my way of saying "I really appreciate being part of your day and would like your marriage to start financially ahead rather than behind." 

To the bolded: that's what I tried to talk to BF about! The couple is spending a good amount to host us, the most we can do is help them out! And the conversation devolved into the difference between cost per person and cost per plate (semantics, BF, and either way I'm gonna go with $50 may not cover both of us).

I guess we both have different opinions on what's acceptable as a gift for weddings. Compromising our opinions is the hard part.

KatieinBkln

timewellwasted93 said: abbyj700 said: I agree with you that people should never ask for money. I also agree that $50 is pretty low - but if that's all you can afford, that's what you do. No one should judge you for giving what you can. 
I typically give $200 + if I attend a wedding (especially with my FI with me) Usually if I'm giving cash it's because I know the couple has taken on all or most of the expense of their wedding and already live together in a home. I do the amount I do to try to supplement the money they've spent on a wonderful reception. It's my way of saying "I really appreciate being part of your day and would like your marriage to start financially ahead rather than behind."  To the bolded: that's what I tried to talk to BF about! The couple is spending a good amount to host us, the most we can do is help them out! And the conversation devolved into the difference between cost per person and cost per plate (semantics, BF, and either way I'm gonna go with $50 may not cover both of us).I guess we both have different opinions on what's acceptable as a gift for weddings. Compromising our opinions is the hard part.

For sure! I don't think that ever gets easier. It's probably similar for a couple who has differing opinions on how much to tip--no one wants to tell their partner they're being cheap or rude, but they also don't want to stiff a server. 

I do think that you're lucky that your finances aren't completely entangled. If I were you I'd just go ahead and write a check for whatever you want to give. Then ask your BF if he'd prefer to add your check to the same card, or if he'd rather you put it in your own card. That way you're taking your stand about what you feel the couple should be given without having to say, "Oh, and p.s. BF, you're a cheapskate." It's just something you're choosing to do, not a huge reflection on him. If he takes it personally, you can always (truthfully) say that since you're going as a couple, it's only fair that you should contribute to the gift. 

ETF: if quote boxes and paragraphs were human, I would have murdered them by now.

doeydo

I just give what I feel I can afford and I also consider how close I am to the people, which is usually $50 worth gift.  But, for my sister's upcoming wedding, I went halfsies on a KitchenAid mixer it with my mom so I probably spent around $100 (we bought it after Christmas so it was on sale) which we gave at the shower.  For the wedding, I have some bowls which were around $20 and a card, of course.  I think that any gift is generous as they are not required in the first place.  Don't worry about being "stingy", the first couple were rude to ask for money or expect that anyone give them anything. 

doeydo

loveislouder said:

I was listening to the radio the other day, and a woman was complaining how a certain part of her family attended her (horribly planned, by the sounds of it) wedding and instead of giving cash "as directed on the invite" they gave Monopoly money.  I almost died laughing.

I love this.  I'm tempted to do this in the future when a couple asks for money.

timewellwasted93

I usually spend $20-25 on birthdays and Christmas because I don't have much money, but I feel like weddings are more special since they occur once (hopefully) in a person's life.

This whole thing reminded me of another conversation I want to have with the BF. He's the only one I spend $50 on for Christmas. We agreed on this amount when we started dating in high school since I only babysat randomly and he didn't have a job. It's been 9 years...I think we can increase that amount a little bit since he's got a full time job and I have a part time one. Or maybe I can convince him to do stockings since that's my favorite part of Christmas

This may also illustrate how rigid he is when it comes to gifting. Such an adorable, stubborn man that gets on my nerves sometimes 

IrishPirate60

If you were buying a gift and sending it, what would you spend? I use that as my guide for the cash equivalent.

timewellwasted93

I found the poem from the first wedding! It's worse than I remember...maybe it's a good thing we only gave them $50.

Registered we are not,

An established home we've already got.

As we get ready to tie the knot,

Our guests we want to fear not...

Need a gift idea for the Bride and Groom?

Here are some suggestions that will work in any room...

Hamilton, Lincoln, & Washington, (3 of our favorite men),

Gift cards, (Home Depot or Kohl's), always score a perfect 10!

Gifts are not a must,

This you must trust.

The most treasured gift we want to say,

Is having you there to share our special day!

It's just so forced, and unnecessary. All comma errors are not mine, btw, that is an exact copy of the poem. And I guess asking for 10s, 5s, and 1s is better because the denomination is low? Maybe BF is a closet etiquette guru and wants to give his friends gifts, but is punishing them with smaller amounts for asking for money? I'd like to pretend that...

At least for the wedding next month, it wasn't with the invitation.

mileybangerz

I would have RSVPed to that wedding with
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You're greedy as hell,
And quite a douchecanoe."

WinstonsGirl

I've got a wedding this summer too, which has no registry.  They said on the insert to the invite that since they already have a house, they'd like money toward their honeymoon.  I talked to her sister, who I know very well.  They're not taking a honeymoon.  

I also just got a shower invite in the mail last week for said wedding.  There is still no registry.  Her sister says just get her cash for the wedding.  Haven't asked about the shower.  Not sure if I want to go.  But it might be good for stories here.  I'm pretty sure she just wants cash for the shower too.  

I also hate giving cash for weddings.  I'm a boxed gift kinda girl

mileybangerz

WinstonsGirl said:

I've got a wedding this summer too, which has no registry.  They said on the insert to the invite that since they already have a house, they'd like money toward their honeymoon.  I talked to her sister, who I know very well.  They're not taking a honeymoon.  

I also just got a shower invite in the mail last week for said wedding.  There is still no registry.  Her sister says just get her cash for the wedding.  Haven't asked about the shower.  Not sure if I want to go.  But it might be good for stories here.  I'm pretty sure she just wants cash for the shower too.  

I also hate giving cash for weddings.  I'm a boxed gift kinda girl

manateehugger

WinstonsGirl said:

I've got a wedding this summer too, which has no registry.  They said on the insert to the invite that since they already have a house, they'd like money toward their honeymoon.  I talked to her sister, who I know very well.  They're not taking a honeymoon.  

I also just got a shower invite in the mail last week for said wedding.  There is still no registry.  Her sister says just get her cash for the wedding.  Haven't asked about the shower.  Not sure if I want to go.  But it might be good for stories here.  I'm pretty sure she just wants cash for the shower too.  

I also hate giving cash for weddings.  I'm a boxed gift kinda girl

Yeah, I recently got invited to a (OOT) shower that said "Bride prefers giftcards at Crate & Barrel or Target."

That's a nope.

JCbride2015

WinstonsGirl said:

I've got a wedding this summer too, which has no registry.  They said on the insert to the invite that since they already have a house, they'd like money toward their honeymoon.  I talked to her sister, who I know very well.  They're not taking a honeymoon.  

I also just got a shower invite in the mail last week for said wedding.  There is still no registry.  Her sister says just get her cash for the wedding.  Haven't asked about the shower.  Not sure if I want to go.  But it might be good for stories here.  I'm pretty sure she just wants cash for the shower too.  

I also hate giving cash for weddings.  I'm a boxed gift kinda girl

I once went to a cash shower for Fi's family.  It was awkward as hell.  It was actually one of my first threads here, it was so awkward I felt the need to post about it before I was even a reg.

timewellwasted93

scribe95 said:

Apparently I'm a cheapskate because $50 is my usual wedding gift, maybe a little more for someone I am super close to. Only a few people gave gifts over that to us.

I meant no offense about anyone being a cheapskate if that's all they give, and I hope I don't feel judgy when I get married if people don't give a large amount or any gift at all. I just feel weird giving money and having people know how much I spent on them, and for my first attempt at giving money at a wedding it wasn't perceived very well.

WinstonsGirl

If I'm going, she's getting an assortment of kitchen stuff - cookbooks, gadgets or something similar.  You can't tell me people don't need an extra spatula or something.   

mileybangerz

JCbride2015 said:

WinstonsGirl said:

I've got a wedding this summer too, which has no registry.  They said on the insert to the invite that since they already have a house, they'd like money toward their honeymoon.  I talked to her sister, who I know very well.  They're not taking a honeymoon.  

I also just got a shower invite in the mail last week for said wedding.  There is still no registry.  Her sister says just get her cash for the wedding.  Haven't asked about the shower.  Not sure if I want to go.  But it might be good for stories here.  I'm pretty sure she just wants cash for the shower too.  

I also hate giving cash for weddings.  I'm a boxed gift kinda girl

I once went to a cash shower for Fi's family.  It was awkward as hell.  It was actually one of my first threads here, it was so awkward I felt the need to post about it before I was even a reg.

Was it like this?

RebeccaB88

I don't give cash. Ever. I was raised that it was rude. I'm really not giving it if you demand it. So I guess I couldn't go to these weddings? You'll get what I want to get you, and I promise to lose the receipt.

beethery

I don't understand how people can actually feel alright with themselves after putting anything about cash on their invitations. I'd have to get a therapist or something to get me through the guilt I'd be dealing with if I did that.

KatieinBkln

timewellwasted93 said: scribe95 said: Apparently I'm a cheapskate because $50 is my usual wedding gift, maybe a little more for someone I am super close to. Only a few people gave gifts over that to us. I meant no offense about anyone being a cheapskate if that's all they give, and I hope I don't feel judgy when I get married if people don't give a large amount or any gift at all. I just feel weird giving money and having people know how much I spent on them, and for my first attempt at giving money at a wedding it wasn't perceived very well.


If it is any consolation, I've found that a shocking number of people are practically illiterate when it comes to writing their own native language. So it's possible the GENEROUS was actually their way of being really, really sincere and they just have no idea how to get that notion across without using really weird emphasis techniques.

Or, ya know, they're disgusting ingrates and we hate them.

ETA: What did I do to piss off the paragraph/formatting gods? Well played, then, for affecting me in a post where I'm mocking other people's written language skills.

antibride2013

I refuse to give money. Ever. Nope. I am with PP that said when you ask for money you get a nice empty card. I have seen many elders in my family bring a blank check and depending on how they were hosted dictated the gift. If poorly hosted, not much of a gift.

huskypuppy14

DH and I usually give around 200 dollars. The majority of our guests that gave monetary gifts were in the 100-200 range. Some were less an d some were significantly more.

We also write" generous gift "in the thank you note, so I wouldn't be too concerned about that wording.

This is also in the northeast where things are a little more expensive, so depending on your region 50 may be right on target. I wouldn't worry too much about the amount, the couple should be happy with any gift they receive.


ETA: husband now not fiancé... Oops!

beethery

KatieinBkln said:

timewellwasted93 said:

scribe95 said:

Apparently I'm a cheapskate because $50 is my usual wedding gift, maybe a little more for someone I am super close to. Only a few people gave gifts over that to us.

I meant no offense about anyone being a cheapskate if that's all they give, and I hope I don't feel judgy when I get married if people don't give a large amount or any gift at all. I just feel weird giving money and having people know how much I spent on them, and for my first attempt at giving money at a wedding it wasn't perceived very well.

If it is any consolation, I've found that a shocking number of people are practically illiterate when it comes to writing their own native language. So it's possible the GENEROUS was actually their way of being really, really sincere and they just have no idea how to get that notion across without using really weird emphasis techniques.

Or, ya know, they're disgusting ingrates and we hate them.

ETA: What did I do to piss off the paragraph/formatting gods? Well played, then, for affecting me in a post where I'm mocking other people's written language skills.

One of thes tags: <span style="font-style: normal;"> got added in front of the quote box. I get annoyed whenever the forums do that to me.

RebeccaFlower

We're comparing what we give, but it makes no sense to me if we're not looking at the economic background of an area. I think it's safe to say that $50 in rural North Dakota might be a lot whereas $50 in NYC would be seen as cheap. 

JCbride2015

mileybangerz said:

JCbride2015 said:

WinstonsGirl said:

I've got a wedding this summer too, which has no registry.  They said on the insert to the invite that since they already have a house, they'd like money toward their honeymoon.  I talked to her sister, who I know very well.  They're not taking a honeymoon.  

I also just got a shower invite in the mail last week for said wedding.  There is still no registry.  Her sister says just get her cash for the wedding.  Haven't asked about the shower.  Not sure if I want to go.  But it might be good for stories here.  I'm pretty sure she just wants cash for the shower too.  

I also hate giving cash for weddings.  I'm a boxed gift kinda girl

I once went to a cash shower for Fi's family.  It was awkward as hell.  It was actually one of my first threads here, it was so awkward I felt the need to post about it before I was even a reg.

Was it like this?

@mileybangerz The MOB hired a male stripper.  So.... yes, it was exactly like that.  But without the clothes.

KatieinBkln

beethery said:

KatieinBkln said:

timewellwasted93 said:

scribe95 said:

Apparently I'm a cheapskate because $50 is my usual wedding gift, maybe a little more for someone I am super close to. Only a few people gave gifts over that to us.

I meant no offense about anyone being a cheapskate if that's all they give, and I hope I don't feel judgy when I get married if people don't give a large amount or any gift at all. I just feel weird giving money and having people know how much I spent on them, and for my first attempt at giving money at a wedding it wasn't perceived very well.

If it is any consolation, I've found that a shocking number of people are practically illiterate when it comes to writing their own native language. So it's possible the GENEROUS was actually their way of being really, really sincere and they just have no idea how to get that notion across without using really weird emphasis techniques.

Or, ya know, they're disgusting ingrates and we hate them.

ETA: What did I do to piss off the paragraph/formatting gods? Well played, then, for affecting me in a post where I'm mocking other people's written language skills.

One of thes tags: <span style="font-style: normal;"> got added in front of the quote box. I get annoyed whenever the forums do that to me.

So...is it deletable? I don't even know how to get it to show up in code (although sometimes it does, just for fun!). I don't know how to computer.