Outside perspective please?

Simply Fated

I need an outside perspective on this. 

I work mostly nights and weekends. It's pretty much the opposite schedule as my two best friends, who work M-F 9-5. So, when I do miraculously have off on the weekend, I try to let them know as soon as the schedule is posted so we can make plans. Especially if I happen to have off at night. It's so rare. Usually they already have plans, which sucks, but I can't get my schedule any earlier, you know?

Well, I had off last Saturday night. I contacted Elizabeth and Jessica right away and told them. Elizabeth was busy, but Jessica was free so the two of us made plans for dinner. The day before, she texted me cancelling. We rescheduled to tomorrow night. 

Today, I'm on Facebook and a friend of ours had several posts up about a great time she, Jessica and Elizabeth had with their significant others on Saturday night. 

I know it sounds silly, but I'm hurt. Is that an appropriate emotion to have, in this case? I mean, is it wrong that I figured she was cancelling for something she was obligated to attend, not a "better offer?" Which is what it feels like.

I kinda don't feel like going to dinner with Jessica tomorrow. Should I get over this whole thing and go? Or should I just reschedule for another time when I'm thinking more clear?

smalfrie19

I have no advice. I would be in the same boat as you. 

lyndausvi

I would be hurt and disappointed also. I would still go. I find the longer you put something like this off, sometimes the more if festers. That's just me though. Others need the extra time to re-group.

theartistformerlyknownas

I would be hurt too. To me, it doesn't sound so much like Jessica got a better offer, but that she forgot she already had plans with Elizabeth. Still crappy that they couldn't just add you to those plans, and doesn't make it feel much better. I'm sorry they did that to you and didn't even have the decency to FB-hide it from you.

ETA will you feel any less left out if you cancel on Jessica tomorrow? Probably not. Vindication doesn't really work that way - she won't realize that's why you canceled, and you'll still feel hurt and lonely. 

Simply Fated

lolo883 said:

I would be hurt too. To me, it doesn't sound so much like Jessica got a better offer, but that she forgot she already had plans with Elizabeth. Still crappy that they couldn't just add you to those plans, and doesn't make it feel much better. I'm sorry they did that to you and didn't even have the decency to FB-hide it from you.

I definitely considered the possibility that maybe she forgot she had plans with this other friend. But, yeah, we're all from the same social circle, so the fact that I wasn't included doesn't make me feel any better. 

This other friend posts everything on FB, too. I don't expect them to hide their times together from me, but they knew I'd see it and must figure that I'd wonder if that's why she cancelled, you know?

Plusandalso, in case anyone is wondering, it wasn't like they had tickets or limited space. It was a couples game night at one of their apartments. 

KatieinBkln

Honestly? I would say something to Jessica. It doesn't have to be dramatic, but you could call her or text her and just say, "Hey, you need to know that it hurt my feelings that you canceled dinner with me to hang out with Elizabeth. I saw it on Facebook, and I wouldn't feel right if I didn't tell you."

Then leave it to her to apologize, explain, whatever. But you can tell her it bugged you. She should be called out on it, because that isn't cool. 

ETA: Not only are you within your rights to say something, you actually kind of have to (if you are unable to just brush it off). Being upset with her without telling her why is going to hurt your relationship with her more than if you just get it out there. Even if you say to yourself, "Self, just go, forget it ever happened, move on" there's still a possibility that you'll be mad and underneath it all, which so easily results in passive-aggression. I have a friend who refuses to tell anyone that she's bothered until months later when she's let it fester, and I can tell you...I'd much rather have one small uncomfortable conversation early on rather than deal with the fallout of a festering wound later! 

OliveOilsMom

Was the game night at this other friends' house?  Maybe that's why you weren't invited by Jessica or Elizabeth because its not their place to invite you to someone else's event.  Perhaps they did ask and this other girl said no, for whatever reason.

I would mention it to Jessica at dinner tomorrow.  She probably forgot about those plans when she accepted the invite to dinner with you.  She probably just wanted to cancel in the easiest way possible to avoid hurting your feelings. 

MairePoppy

My feelings would be hurt, too. Cancelling your plans with Jessica won't serve any purpose, unless you're a hothead and you're likely to go BSC on her. IMO, you should go to dinner and let her know you were hurt to be excluded.

LadyMillil

OliveOilsMom said:

Was the game night at this other friends' house?  Maybe that's why you weren't invited by Jessica or Elizabeth because its not their place to invite you to someone else's event.  Perhaps they did ask and this other girl said no, for whatever reason.

I would mention it to Jessica at dinner tomorrow.  She probably forgot about those plans when she accepted the invite to dinner with you.  She probably just wanted to cancel in the easiest way possible to avoid hurting your feelings. 

This. Also, you mentioned it was at an apartment so space might have been a factor. When DH and I host game night we can only invite 2 other couples because we don't have enough space (or chairs) for more than 6 people in our apartment.

KatieinBkln

LadyMillil said:

OliveOilsMom said:

Was the game night at this other friends' house?  Maybe that's why you weren't invited by Jessica or Elizabeth because its not their place to invite you to someone else's event.  Perhaps they did ask and this other girl said no, for whatever reason.

I would mention it to Jessica at dinner tomorrow.  She probably forgot about those plans when she accepted the invite to dinner with you.  She probably just wanted to cancel in the easiest way possible to avoid hurting your feelings. 

This. Also, you mentioned it was at an apartment so space might have been a factor. When DH and I host game night we can only invite 2 other couples because we don't have enough space (or chairs) for more than 6 people in our apartment.

I mean, all of that is totally reasonable stuff--that Jessica could have said when she called Simply to cancel in the first place. "I'm so sorry to do this, but I spaced and realized I'm going to E's house tonight. I'd invite you but I know how tight space is over there. Can I make it up to you tomorrow night instead?" is way nicer than "Oops, gotta cancel" [posts her funtimes on facebook for all to see]. 

All of which is to say, I would be upset, too, and I think OP has a good reason to be. It's not the cancellation, it's the manner of the cancellation and the disregard for how the slighted party might feel.

Simply Fated

I wasn't considering cancelling just to be vindictive, I am just afraid I would say something out of anger that I'd regret, since it's still soon.

Although I fully admit that I considered canceling on her, making plans with another friend and posting all about our good times on Facebook. But because I'm not 12, I quickly shut myself down lol.

I wouldn't hope that Jessica would invite me to someone else's house, that would be rude on her part. I'm just doubting she had those other plans, first. And what kinda sucks even more, is that because she canceled last minute, I figured every one else had plans already, including that other friend. I ended up staying home reading.

Maggie0829

I would go to dinner with Jessica and maybe talk to her about what you saw on FB.  I would be hurt as well, especially when you have such limited time off to see your friends.

mschristie123

Well I'm a psychologist, so I will always tell you to feel your feelings :-)

In that case, I would probably be hurt as well. I don't know if personally I would address it. I might just pout for a while on my own and move on. But I would definitely still go to dinner with Jessica, and maybe bring it up if you feel like the time is right. Just remember that she doesn't owe you plans every time you're free, and she is most likely just doing her thing, since she knows you've got a wonky schedule. I'm sure it was very harmless.