Asking my friend to be my MOH - dilemma

behsco90

So FI and I are really great friends with another couple, we've known each other for years (we all met at work).  I had been planning on asking her to be my MOH, and FI was planning on asking him to be a groomsman.

Well yesterday they broke up.  FI and I will remain friends with both of them, as well love them both, but we are sad that things didn't work out between them, but obviously we want both of them to be happy, whether that means they are together or not.  Anyways, I had been planning on asking her yesterday, but of course decided it would be a very bad time.

Obviously I am going to wait a little bit to talk to her, and FI will wait to talk to him.  I am just not sure how long is a good amount of time to wait to ask her.  A month?  Two months?  The wedding is about a year away, so I know there's no rush.  But the bigger question/problem is, we aren't sure how amicable their breakup was, so I'm not sure how comfortable either of them would be if they were both in the wedding party.  Obviously we want to put their feelings first, but we would be sad if one of them or both of them wasn't in the wedding party or didn't come to the wedding at all. 

So long story not so short, how appropriate would it be to talk to them separately (and should it be FI and I together, or just me and her, and FI and him?) and find out how comfortable they would be knowing the other person would be in the wedding party too? Of course we will probably wait at the very least a month or so to discuss this, but probably longer.

STARMOON44

Wait three months and see how things feel then.

huskypuppy14

Also, as long as they aren't paired up walking down the aisle or introduced into the reception, they probably won't spend that much time together.

indianaalum

I would wait awhile to be honest. If you still have a year out. Their breaing up might affect how you guys hang out with them in the longrun if you only hung out as a couple. If it is a true friendship, waiting a few months won't change that

SachaBee

I totally understand that you are panicking right now, but you have a long time to plan everything still. So I would wait awhile and just be her friend right now. In the normal course of your friendship, you will figure out how to proceed as to their breakup and whether it would be awkward for them both to be in the wedding party. I would guess that if you are all really good friends, they will understand that they will both at least be invited. Sometimes this happens with mutual couple friends and everyone tends to understand that it's an awkward situation, but they just deal because it's important to their friends.

cowgirl8238

My advice is to wait at least three months and reconsider this issue then.  Over that time, I am certain you will find out how well your friendships will last, and will probably learn if their breakup was mutual or messy. There is no reason to rush this just yet.

As a side note:  Two of the groomsmen that my Husband was equally close with got into a huge fight about six months before our wedding.  At first he was concerned they might do something, but they both remained mature about it during all of the pre-wedding and wedding events.  Not only did they not kill each other at the bachelor party, they were even talking  to each other by the wedding day!  People who care about you and your FI will respect your day and not make a big scene. 

In short, wait three months, re-evaluate your friendships then, and decide.  If you both have them in your BP, just don't walk them in together and you're good!

NYCMercedes

You said, "I'm not sure how comfortable either of them would be if they were both in the wedding party." This is an individual decision for each of them to make on their own. You don't need to make this decision or even worry about it. It'll be on each one's mind when they decide whether or not to accept the WP invitations. 

alpacalunch

Having been a BM with an ex on the groom's side, it sounds like more drama than it is. If they're both adults, and at the time of the wedding it'll have been a year since the breakup, they really should be fine. As a PP said, they wouldn't spend much time together anyway. 

It's nice you're thinking of them, but don't overthink it. Obviously now is not a great time to ask, but wait a while (3 months sounds good) and re-evaluate.

climbingsingle

You absolutely should wait before you ask them. I'd give it at least 3 months. 

twitterbird

Wait a few months to see how things are going.

behsco90

Thanks everyone!  We will wait a few months and re-evaluate then!