Got a "just married" announcement from friend I had no idea was engaged

tvocatura

I have a friend I consider a good friend.  We've known each other 23 years.  I last saw her in December.  I knew she was seeing someone for the past few years but has always been tight-lipped about men because she was married young and divorced, so I stopped asking too many questions.  I haven't talked much with her this year except a few emails.  I have a child who was diagnosed with autism, a failed pregnancy and a rough year.  So today I get my mail and there's a Just Married card from this friend and the man she's been involved with, a lovely picture and they were married 2 months ago.  I wish I had known earlier.  I feel bad that I haven't been in better touch and I certainly owe her at least a call.  What do I say, other than Congratulations?

RebeccaFlower

Before you get upset (I would be, too!) I would call and ask some details. Maybe they just eloped and didn't really get engaged? 

Do you want to pick up where you left off in your relationship? An effort needs to be made on both sides. The way you mention all that's going on with you makes me think maybe you feel like she should be making a bigger effort? Maybe she's had a rough year too. I am sorry for everything you're dealing with but friendships are always two way streets. 

tvocatura

It's weird.  We've known each other so long, usually only see each other a couple of times a year but never have trouble catching up.  Since my child was born I haven't talked on the phone as much, usually we email each other.  The last time I heard from her was around Easter saying we'll catch up after Easter and never heard anything else.  I should have called her then.  I'll call her tomorrow.  The card had a link to a slideshow and the pics were lovely, but nobody else was in them.  Wedding was on a Tuesday but it looks like some planning went into it - dress, hair, location of pictures, lighting of candle in church.  I must find out the details.  

Should I send a gift?  

ShadeofGreen816

Personally, I would take the announcement as a sign from her that she's interested in reconnecting. Call her and get some details because I'm sure she's excited to share with you.

 I would maybe wait on sending a gift personally and based on how things go between you, you can choose between a token gift and a more expensive/meaningful gift. 

Friendships are tricky - I have the worst trouble keeping in touch and it sounds like you both have had lots of other big things going on in your lives! 

CMGragain

Your friend has done nothing wrong.  She has personally mailed you a wedding announcement.  This is very proper etiquette.
You should mail her a card of congratulations.

AddieCake

Just call her and say congrats and proceed to catch up a bit or make plans to get together in person to catch up. 

Inkdancer

The announcement is her way of saying, "hey I thought this would be important to you." She's opened the door to reconnect. So feel free to call her or send her a card (gift not required) and let her know you're happy for her and you would love to talk soon.

photokitty

It's perfectly fine for a couple to plan to elope - get a nice dress, have her hair done, carry a bouquet, hire a photog, have a unity candle. The only stipulation of eloping is you run off without telling anyone and get married. @Jells2dot0 has gorgeous photos fem her elopement in Australia - if I didm' know any better I would never have guessed it was just her and her DH

Jells2dot0

@photokitty‌ is right. We had a "planned elopement". I planned the whole thing like anyone would plan a DW, but just didn't tell anyone we were making plans. I had. a dress made, planned the decor with the resort, picked out a photographer, and wrote vows. Many friends who have known me for years had no clue we were engaged, let alone planning to marry (Of course, some people absolutely noticed the ring on my finger.) In fact, our family didn't even know. I know they suspected it might happen, but we had already fooled them a few times by taking long, luxury trips and coming back without an announcement.

tvocatura

I finally spoke to her.  She did a planned elopement with nobody invited, only a photographer and the Pastor.  Said it was not a shotgun, they just wanted to do it that way.  Maybe I'll send them a nice bottle of wine with a cutesie label.  It was definitely less stressful that way.