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FUTURE MOTHER IS LAW HAS BEEN AWFUL SINCE WE GOT ENGAGED!!!

My boyfriend's mother and I always got along great. Until now.

My fiance works for his parents now and  we would hang out with them quite often. We even vacation with them.

My boyfriend proposed to me on our annual vacation and ever since we said we wanted a destination wedding, his mother has become a nightmare!

My father is not around and my mother cannot afford to pitch in anything for our wedding. My family really doesnt have any money and his family does. So, thinking this would save them the aggravation of paying for everything, we decided we would just have a small destination wedding and pay for it ourselves, anyone that came would also pay for themsleves. His mother flipped! She says that we are selfish and didn't consider that it would be hard for his handicapped sister to go to a beach wedding. And she also says she refuses to fly because she "doesn't fly". Her not flying is complete crap becasue they have been on a ton of family vacations that they flew to. She says that those were once in a lifetime trips. Well what do you think a wedding is! He is the youngest and first to get married, I would think that would qualify as a once in a lifetime thing? But anyway, back to his sister. I suppose we should have thought this through a bit more but his sister does not have a problem getting around. Yes, she is in a wheelchair, but that does not stop her from going camping, going to Vegas and the Grand Canyon, the list goes on. She is always going somewhere and doing something.

Two days after returning from our annual vacation with his parents, she immediatelly wanted to start wedding planning. I guess she didn't think we were serious about the destinaition wedding. She flipped again! Started talking about my mom and my sister, called me trash and even went so far as to google me and find the address to the house I grew up in and made terrible comments about what a dump it was and how embarrassed she would be to live there! Mind you, she grew up the same way I did! she didnt't come into money until she married my future father in law!

She drinks every night and drunk texts nasty things to their family about me and my family! And she sees nothing wrong with it because she doesn't say it directly to me.

So, we decided that we would do what she wants and get married here. It is the complete opposite of what we want but I guess it is worth it to stop the drama. he emailed his parents, brother and sister to tell them that we found a few places that we would get married here and none of them respond to the email. he sends another email asking why noone responded and his sister send back an email about how she  lost the little bit of respect she had for him (they have never liked eachother so I don't know why she is even making a big deal about our wedding, they constantly fight. She just likes to be involved in any drama she can get into). So now what? Do we continue planning awedding here that they arent acknowledging or do we do what we originally planned and elope alone now?

And also, his sister had no problem with our destination wedding until their mother got her all wound up telling her that we dont care if she goes and that we wanted to do this just so she couldn't go! Which is completely ridiculous...

Re: FUTURE MOTHER IS LAW HAS BEEN AWFUL SINCE WE GOT ENGAGED!!!

  • JAP579 said:

    My boyfriend's mother and I always got along great. Until now.

    My fiance works for his parents now and  we would hang out with them quite often. We even vacation with them.

    My boyfriend proposed to me on our annual vacation and ever since we said we wanted a destination wedding, his mother has become a nightmare!

    My father is not around and my mother cannot afford to pitch in anything for our wedding. My family really doesnt have any money and his family does. So, thinking this would save them the aggravation of paying for everything, we decided we would just have a small destination wedding and pay for it ourselves, anyone that came would also pay for themsleves. His mother flipped! She says that we are selfish and didn't consider that it would be hard for his handicapped sister to go to a beach wedding. And she also says she refuses to fly because she "doesn't fly". Her not flying is complete crap becasue they have been on a ton of family vacations that they flew to. She says that those were once in a lifetime trips. Well what do you think a wedding is! He is the youngest and first to get married, I would think that would qualify as a once in a lifetime thing? But anyway, back to his sister. I suppose we should have thought this through a bit more but his sister does not have a problem getting around. Yes, she is in a wheelchair, but that does not stop her from going camping, going to Vegas and the Grand Canyon, the list goes on. She is always going somewhere and doing something.

    Two days after returning from our annual vacation with his parents, she immediatelly wanted to start wedding planning. I guess she didn't think we were serious about the destinaition wedding. She flipped again! Started talking about my mom and my sister, called me trash and even went so far as to google me and find the address to the house I grew up in and made terrible comments about what a dump it was and how embarrassed she would be to live there! Mind you, she grew up the same way I did! she didnt't come into money until she married my future father in law!

    She drinks every night and drunk texts nasty things to their family about me and my family! And she sees nothing wrong with it because she doesn't say it directly to me.

    So, we decided that we would do what she wants and get married here. It is the complete opposite of what we want but I guess it is worth it to stop the drama. he emailed his parents, brother and sister to tell them that we found a few places that we would get married here and none of them respond to the email. he sends another email asking why noone responded and his sister send back an email about how she  lost the little bit of respect she had for him (they have never liked eachother so I don't know why she is even making a big deal about our wedding, they constantly fight. She just likes to be involved in any drama she can get into). So now what? Do we continue planning awedding here that they arent acknowledging or do we do what we originally planned and elope alone now?

    And also, his sister had no problem with our destination wedding until their mother got her all wound up telling her that we dont care if she goes and that we wanted to do this just so she couldn't go! Which is completely ridiculous...

    This is your and your FI's wedding.  If you want to do it your way, do not accept any cash from either set of parents.  Perhaps FMIL just has ideas about what a wedding should look like, and wants it her way.  If you choose to do things differently, have FI tell her that you two have made your decision and it is not up for discussion.  Be nice about it!!  You are going to be a part of the same family for a very long time after this.  If she wants to go off her rocker, let her but don't respond.  Don't discuss the wedding with her until you two are sure of what you want.  

    If you are still thinking DW, ask Fi's sister herself if she's comfortable travelling.  Don't rely on FMIL's word.  My Mom as horrified when we said DW, cos she had never been to one and didn't know how it would work.  She loved it in the end.  

    It could also be a competition thing with FIL.  All of her friends kids have had nice big weddings that she was invited to, and now it's her turn, so she needs to make sure that her kid's wedding is just as good, if not better.  I'm just reading into things, so I could be way off base with that.  

    Above all, your FI needs to deal with her and back you up based on what the two of you want.  If he can't back you up in this, I'd be worried about other things down the road.    

  • JAP579 said:

    My boyfriend's mother and I always got along great. Until now.

    My fiance works for his parents now and  we would hang out with them quite often. We even vacation with them.

    My boyfriend proposed to me on our annual vacation and ever since we said we wanted a destination wedding, his mother has become a nightmare!

    My father is not around and my mother cannot afford to pitch in anything for our wedding. My family really doesnt have any money and his family does. So, thinking this would save them the aggravation of paying for everything, we decided we would just have a small destination wedding and pay for it ourselves, anyone that came would also pay for themsleves. His mother flipped! She says that we are selfish and didn't consider that it would be hard for his handicapped sister to go to a beach wedding. And she also says she refuses to fly because she "doesn't fly". Her not flying is complete crap becasue they have been on a ton of family vacations that they flew to. She says that those were once in a lifetime trips. Well what do you think a wedding is! He is the youngest and first to get married, I would think that would qualify as a once in a lifetime thing? But anyway, back to his sister. I suppose we should have thought this through a bit more but his sister does not have a problem getting around. Yes, she is in a wheelchair, but that does not stop her from going camping, going to Vegas and the Grand Canyon, the list goes on. She is always going somewhere and doing something.

    Two days after returning from our annual vacation with his parents, she immediatelly wanted to start wedding planning. I guess she didn't think we were serious about the destinaition wedding. She flipped again! Started talking about my mom and my sister, called me trash and even went so far as to google me and find the address to the house I grew up in and made terrible comments about what a dump it was and how embarrassed she would be to live there! Mind you, she grew up the same way I did! she didnt't come into money until she married my future father in law!

    She drinks every night and drunk texts nasty things to their family about me and my family! And she sees nothing wrong with it because she doesn't say it directly to me.

    So, we decided that we would do what she wants and get married here. It is the complete opposite of what we want but I guess it is worth it to stop the drama. he emailed his parents, brother and sister to tell them that we found a few places that we would get married here and none of them respond to the email. he sends another email asking why noone responded and his sister send back an email about how she  lost the little bit of respect she had for him (they have never liked eachother so I don't know why she is even making a big deal about our wedding, they constantly fight. She just likes to be involved in any drama she can get into). So now what? Do we continue planning awedding here that they arent acknowledging or do we do what we originally planned and elope alone now?

    And also, his sister had no problem with our destination wedding until their mother got her all wound up telling her that we dont care if she goes and that we wanted to do this just so she couldn't go! Which is completely ridiculous...

    Ok.  Breathe.

    No one is responsible for paying for your wedding except your FI and you.

    I am confused by the whole "anyone that came would pay for themselves" portion.  Were you not going to host these people?  Yes, they would pay for their own lodging and airfare but are you saying you weren't going to host them at the wedding?

    Going with what your FMIL wanted was probably not the best idea.  You giving in to what she wants just furthers your problem.  You are setting a precedence for the future and saying that she will get her way and will be able to input her opinion and wants and needs into your relationship from this moment on.  What if you and your FI want kids in the future?  Do you really want FMIL feeling that she can control that as well?  What about jobs and moving and buying a house?  Do you want her involved with that as well.

    As for the email your FI sent, what kind of response were you expecting?  I don't really understand why your FI sent that email in the first place because it is none of their business.

    I do have to ask, what is your FI feelings on all of this?  Does he stand up for you when his Mom says nasty things?  If not, then you have a FI problem.  You both need to be on the same page when it comes to your wedding and the life you want after it.

  • Whoa.  This is a lot of a lot.

    Step back from the wedding itself for a moment.  Here's what I'm reading in your post: Your FMIL called both of you selfish; talked [I presume badly] about your family; called you trash; made fun of the house you grew up in and your financial situation; and gets drunk and texts inappropriate things.  Your FSIL says she has lost the little respect she had for your Fi.

    These don't seem like proportional reactions to your decision to self-fund a DW.  Could these negative reactions be based instead on the engagement itself, not the wedding details?  Maybe Fi's family just doesn't support the marriage.  Or maybe there is a lot more drama in the background that isn't included in your post.  Or maybe these people are just super crazy.  But it seems like there must be more of a reason than just having a DW.

    How did your Fi react to his mom bad-mouthing you?  You guys needs to sit down and decide what you want, as a team.  Then the team needs to present a united front to the outside world.  Your Fi needs to have your back.  Make this decision together.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • Whoa.
    Stop and think about this.
    If you change your plans to give MIL what she wants, you are sending her the very clear message that her nastiness will be rewarded, and she can control you both. Even on one of the most important days of your life.
    Your fiancé needs to stand up, be a man, and tell his mother to knock it the fuck off.
    Then you two need to plan your wedding, however and wherever you like.

    If she wants a big hoopla, she's more than welcome to plan a lovely celebration party after you return. And welcome to pay for it.
    But she doesn't get to plan your wedding. That's a very very bad way to begin your lives together. You're adults. She needs to respect that, and be very clear about how you will and will not be treated, or you're going to have a really miserable time in the future. 
  • His parents really don't have any friends. We were thinking that maybe she wants to show off to her family, the family she rarely even speaks to anymore becasue they always want money from her. The only friends she has are her Facebook friends. As sad as that sounds she may want to show off to them too.

    Right after we got engaged, we told her that we wanted to go get married in the Caribbean and possibly have a reception at home when we got back. She seemed okay with it until we got home from vacation.

    My FI sticks up for me when she speaks badly about me and my family. They haven't spoken to eachother in a month, except for when she texts him the nasty comments. Oh and just a couple days ago she drunk texted him and told him he was fired! I think she is bipolar or something. She hasn't spoken to his father either in the last month. She always looks for a reason to be dramatic.

    I know that giving in and having a wedding here will probably make her think she can thorw a fit about anything down the road and we will do whatever she wants. But i think we are going to take a step back from her once we get married. Things will never be the same between any of us. Where we get married really doesn't matter as much as I thought it would. I can suck it up and do what they want this time.

  • I'm sorry you're in this situation, she sounds a little off her rocker, but I do want to add that you are choosing a very expensive route for your wedding. The only person I would go to a DW for would be my brother and I would bitch about it the whole way. You're choosing location, cost and date... all things I want to choose for myself when vacationing, so you can't be mad if she chooses to not attend. 

    That said, she doesn't get to plan your wedding. Don't accept any money from her or she does get a say. 
  • Also, I understand his mother wanting us to get married a certain way. BUT there is no need for her to say such hurtful things about me and my family! We could have sat down and discussed the wedding like adults instead of her getting drunk and making all of the low blows that she did!
  • The only people that would have been invited to the wedding, if we had a DW, would be my mother and sister and his parents and brother and sister. Nothing big.
  • What does your FI say/do when his mother talks badly about you? He needs to stick up for you. I also think you should elope.
  • Step away from the MIL! Let your poor FI deal with his crazy mom. You and he plan what you and he would like to do for your wedding and plan by yourselves. Then, just send her an invitation.

    MIL is just too involved in your lives. He works for her and you vacation with her. He even proposed while you were all together vacationing. Something's gotta give  
  • If you want a destination wedding that's fine. But you shouldn't have chose to do one because it saves your FI's family from paying for it otherwise. They are under no obligation to pay for you wedding no matter where you choose to have it.

    There are a lot of issues going on in your post. But the biggest one is if your FI is standing up for you when his mother says things about you or your family. He needs to tell her she is behaving completely unacceptably.

    Don't change your plans just because your FMIL has decided to be horrible. That just lets her know she can get her way if she does that. 

    Stop trying to make his family happy with your wedding. Don't talk to them about it. Pay for it and plan it yourselves. If they ask about it either change the subject or give vague answers.

    One last note just because I'm curious - if your family struggles financially how is a destination wedding going to work for them?


  • First your FI should start looking for a new job. I would continue to distance myself from them, if I was your FI. Your FI is marrying you, so I hope that he stands up for you when FMIL goes off on her tangents. ______________________________________________________________________________ If you start falling in line with what FMIL is telling you to do now, it will be harder to stop falling in line with her later. Start sticking up for yourselves now. It will not end because FMIL will know if she keeps up, she will get her way in the end. ______________________________________________________________________________ Maybe FSIL lost respect for FI because he's going with FMIL's ideas now and not standing up for himself and doing what you both want in your wedding. I lose respect for people who continue to be doormats too. ______________________________________________________________________________Go back to planning the wedding that you and FI want. Don't suggest talking through the wedding plans with them. Just let them know what has been decided after it's been decided. If FSIL is wheelchair bound, I would be conscious of that fact while planning. Ask potential venues if they are handicap accessible and if your ceremony would/could be on a deck or pier, etc. My friend's wedding was on the beach, one of the guests was wheelchair bound. The venue was able to drive the guest to the ceremony location by golf cart, he was picked up after the ceremony as well.
  • She tries to make us feel bad for not considering that his family has "special needs" as she calls it. Meaning that his sister is handicapped. But his sister didn't have a problem with it until their mother got into her head.  
  • Remember that you marry into the whole family and not just your fiance. I hope things all work out.
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