I'm the black sheep of the family...

crimsonbride1031

Well, the daughter of the black sheep. My fiance and I plan on getting married July 2015. His side of the family...everything's all good over there. My side however...is a complete freaking mess. My mother does not speak to her side of the family at all due to stupid feuds over the past years that I still have no idea what they fought over. I talk to that side of the family, but we're not all that close. I know they will burn the bridges if I don't invite them. My FI wants me to invite them. My father will not be very kind to this idea. Every time one of my aunt's name is even mentioned or referred to, he goes into a tizzy calling her a B- and all sorts of colorful language. He refuses to be in the same room as her. I can't just not invite this one aunt and then invite the others. My mom's not too crazy about her parents coming either, but I would at least want them there, but how can I invite them and not the aunts and uncles? UGH. Not inviting my mom's side of the family would eliminate about 30 people. I don't really have anyone else to ask about this.

APDSS22

I would say if your parents aren't paying, then whoever you and your FI can afford to host and want to be present should be invited.  Family drama always comes out with weddings and funerals because most of the rest of the time people can do the whole "ignore the elephant in the middle of the living room and it goes away" thing.

If your parents are paying, you're going to have to try to convince them to act like grown ups for a couple hours so you can invite these relatives.  Tell them you'll seat them at the opposite ends of the room from each other.  If that doesn't work, maybe you could afford to host everything yourselves and give you and your FI back complete control over the guest list.  If you take their money, they do get some say in the guest list.

southernbelle0915

crimsonbride1031 said:

Well, the daughter of the black sheep. My fiance and I plan on getting married July 2015. His side of the family...everything's all good over there. My side however...is a complete freaking mess. My mother does not speak to her side of the family at all due to stupid feuds over the past years that I still have no idea what they fought over. I talk to that side of the family, but we're not all that close. I know they will burn the bridges if I don't invite them. My FI wants me to invite them. My father will not be very kind to this idea. Every time one of my aunt's name is even mentioned or referred to, he goes into a tizzy calling her a B- and all sorts of colorful language. He refuses to be in the same room as her. I can't just not invite this one aunt and then invite the others. My mom's not too crazy about her parents coming either, but I would at least want them there, but how can I invite them and not the aunts and uncles? UGH. Not inviting my mom's side of the family would eliminate about 30 people. I don't really have anyone else to ask about this.

Are your parents paying for the wedding? If not, invite who you want. If they can't act like adults for one day, that's their problem.

On the flip side, there's one family on my moms side that has 4 adult (actually seniors now) kids. I invited 2 of them and their adult kids and not the other 2 because they are assholes to my parents. I only mention it because of your aunt you're on the fence about.

STARMOON44

I'd just invite your grandparents and not the aunts and uncles. It's not like they don't know there's an issue. You aren't close to your aunts and uncles so not sure why you'd care to invite them- if anything you're burning a bridge where there isn't one.

melbenso

Do you have contact with some of your mother's siblings, but not all of them?   It is perfectly acceptable to have the circle of invites be aunts and uncles I have had contact with in the last X years.

DH and I invited most of our aunts and uncles.  However, my father's brother, who I have seen three times (at funerals) in the past 20 years, and MIL's sister, who DH hasn't seen in 15 years and has only talked to on the phone once during that time, were not invited. 

No one from my dad's family said anything about uncle not being invited.  About 2 months after MIL reviewed our guest list and about the time RSVPs were due, she talked to another one of her sisters and decided that she wanted the estranged sister to be invited.  We refused for multiple reasons - B-listing, lack of contact, etc.  She didn't bring it up to us again.

BTW - We paid for the majority of the wedding ourselves, with each set of parents paying for some specific things - part of bar tab, invitations, rehearsal dinner.  Neither sets of parents made any requests to add guests.

ETA - punctuation changes to make more readable

crimsonbride1031

We are paying for most of the wedding. I do talk to that side, through facebook, and keep them updated basically on life.  I talked to my mom a little bit today about it. She said she wouldn't say her opinion, but it was up to me to decide if I were to invite them. Her tone, however, indicated that she did not want them there at all. I told her that its not like I was going to seat them all together, that I would seat them on opposite sides of the room. My FI wants to me to invite them because basically, they accepted him into the family before my parents did, but thats a whole other story. But my parents love my FI now, and are very happy that we are together and are getting married.

abbyj700

Invite who you want - it's your wedding. If the help they were going to give is contingent on you not inviting people you would like to - don't take their money. It's terrible that they'd put you in this position to begin with. It's fine if they don't get along - but this is your day, and your choice.