Brides parents asking for 20,000 from grooms parents

summerbride2015

My FBIL just got engaged last month and they have been looking at venues with the brides family. The brides parents decided that they would contribute 20,000, and expect the bride and groom to pay 20,000, and expect the grooms parents to pay 20,000, making their budget 60,000.

The grooms parents (my future inlaws) were taken aback by this. They haven't been asked to be involved in any of the planning so far and since the groom, and the bride and her family all live in the same area out of state, they feel they wont get to pick what their money goes towards since they cant be there to look at venues and meet with vendors.

My MIL asked that they wait til her other son (my FI) wedding is over (in 5 days) and then they will need to have a talk about finances.

We are paying for our wedding ourselves without expecting money from anyone. My MIL asked my advice and I wasn't sure what to say. I said that if she would like to contribute, that she should come up with an amount she is comfortable giving and what she would like it to be used for and let them know.

What do you ladies think?

MrsMack10612

The brides parents are way out of line.

You advised your FMIL correctly.  Offer what they can afford to use as they want or we'll give you X towards photography and flowers (or whatever).

southernbelle0915

summerbride2015 said:

My FBIL just got engaged last month and they have been looking at venues with the brides family. The brides parents decided that they would contribute 20,000, and expect the bride and groom to pay 20,000, and expect the grooms parents to pay 20,000, making their budget 60,000.

The grooms parents (my future inlaws) were taken aback by this. They haven't been asked to be involved in any of the planning so far and since the groom, and the bride and her family all live in the same area out of state, they feel they wont get to pick what their money goes towards since they cant be there to look at venues and meet with vendors.

My MIL asked that they wait til her other son (my FI) wedding is over (in 5 days) and then they will need to have a talk about finances.

We are paying for our wedding ourselves without expecting money from anyone. My MIL asked my advice and I wasn't sure what to say. I said that if she would like to contribute, that she should come up with an amount she is comfortable giving and what she would like it to be used for and let them know.

What do you ladies think?

What's the problem. Whenever anyone has asked me for $20,000 for a one day event where I don't get a say in how the money is spent... I give it to them no questions asked. Your FILs must just be cheap.

Ok sarcasm over. WTF? On what planet do they live where they think they can just demand $20K from everyone and plan some $60K wedding themselves? Just no. 20,000X no.

holyguacamole79

Am I the only one really interested in attending this $60k wedding just for the quality food & booze?

OP, you gave your FMIL wise counsel.  Let us know what comes of this!

saacjw

sarahbear31 said:

Am I the only one really interested in attending this $60k wedding just for the quality food & booze?

OP, you gave your FMIL wise counsel.  Let us know what comes of this!

Nope, I'm curious too. 

abbyj700

Holy. shit. Yeah - you gave her good advice. And honestly - my parents contributed to our wedding - but if someone (us or my FIL) would have demanded a specific amount, their wallets would have closed so tight...so fast. How terribly rude and disrespectful of these people and their children. You're FBIL - he didn't tell his wife and her family no - but asked his parents for this ridiculous request? Or did they just go around him? Honestly...if my FI's family treated my family this way...it would be pretty relationship ending in my world.

summerbride2015

I don't know much about the planning except for what I've heard from MIL but I do know they want to have a 24 piece band and that will take 10,000 from their budget...

lyndausvi

sarahbear31 said:

Am I the only one really interested in attending this $60k wedding just for the quality food & booze?

OP, you gave your FMIL wise counsel.  Let us know what comes of this!

*************SITB  *************

Sadly they do not go hand and hand.   But in my case our food did rock !!!

OP - you advised your FMIL perfectly.  

My parents are NOT ones to just hand over that kind of money blindly. Nor would they ever demand that kind of money from anyone, let alone not give them any control.    When my brothers got married they simply said they wanted to pay for certain things.   In their case it was the RD, flowers, bar and a few other specific things.   We have a huge drinking family and my parents not only wanted to make sure the bar was not a hardship.   They wanted make sure it was hosted well (my mom is a snob when it comes to her alcohol).    

 Both sets of in-laws took my parents up on the offer and let them handle those things.  In turn my parents stayed out of the planning of the things the brides' families took care of. 

When my sister got married her in-laws did the same thing.  They said we would like to take care of I think the flowers, transportation and RD.  They did without interference from my parents.  In turn they didn't interfere with my parents on the detail they were paying for.

My MIL didn't help, which was fine, she isn't required to.  My parents still gave her as many invites as she wanted.   Being reasonable she didn't have many, but she could invite whomever she wanted.

southernbelle0915

summerbride2015 said:

I don't know much about the planning except for what I've heard from MIL but I do know they want to have a 24 piece band and that will take 10,000 from their budget...

Well then, sounds like they have 10,000 left in the Overall budget

sarawifenow

Holy shit their band cost almost as much as my entire wedding!

summerbride2015

My FBIL told his parents that that was the plan, made by the brides parents. I guess hoping they would go along with it. He made an excel sheet with everything they want for their wedding and is worried that they will go over budget and spent 80,000.

theartistformerlyknownas

Sounds reasonable to me. Will they be offering the use of their pet unicorn to pull the bride's chariot? Perhaps hiring a choir of angels to sing the ceremony music?

OH WAIT this is real life. Yeah that's some bullshit. I'd mail $20k worth of Monopoly money and a picture of me flipping them the bird.

BMoreBride6

summerbride2015 said:

My FBIL told his parents that that was the plan, made by the brides parents. I guess hoping they would go along with it. He made an excel sheet with everything they want for their wedding and is worried that they will go over budget and spent 80,000.

Then they can pay whatever they spend over budget.  That is absolutely a heinous thing to do, I don't care what the amount is!   

beachyone15

And here I thought that the $500 fruit display I posted about earlier was egregious...

lyndausvi

I'm still in shock there are people out there who think it's a good idea to demand money from almost perfect strangers for a party they are planning. Really? In what world is that okay?

Jen4948

The bride and her parents need $60,000 for a wedding? And they need to ask the groom's parents for $20,000? They're living on Planet Entitled which is headed into the sun and need a major dose of reality aka "No f-ing way!" from the groom and his parents.

photokitty

OP, I hate to ask, but will anyway :-p...

Are you worried at all about having the bride as your FSIL? I can't imagine the expectations and demands she will have for Christmas gifts and baby showers. 

Whatever you do, don't except an offer of Godparent, it probably comes with a college tuition bill for lil Johnny!!

summerbride2015

The few times I've been with her in person she has been super sweet and nice so I was surprised to find out about this.

[Deleted User]

If I were these parents being demanded to fork over $20K, I'd give absolutely nothing.  Not one red cent.  If I was planning on contributing $3K, or $10K, or even $20K to the wedding, I'd give it to my child a good year AFTER the wedding.  They'd probably appreciate being able to pay off some loans by then, but I'd want them to have a year or so of inflated credit card bills to teach them a lesson.  Or I'd put it in an account for any future children.  Because if they're this bad with money that they'll probably go over budget on their wedding by $20k, that kid is going to need some help paying for community college.

jdluvr06

I wouldn't give them any money if they were being demanding like that. What the fuck is wrong with people? How can someone actually think it is ok to be this way? Plus who needs $60,000 for a wedding? That is way more than my wedding, honeymoon, and possible future trip to Disney World combined.

RebeccaFlower

I can't even get over this. I won't lie, if they didn't contribute to your wedding at all and give your FBIL 20k, I would be beyond furious with them. I know adults get to choose to spend their money how they wish, but 20k is an absurd amount to not spend/spend on one for the same event.

summerbride2015

To be fair, they are paying for/hosting our rehearsal dinner. It is at a local Italian restaurant and will be for 30 people, so im not sure how much they spent on it. The difference is they offered it to us without us asking...

Senecaf

That is nuts. And so rude.

Liatris2010

summerbride2015 said:

To be fair, they are paying for/hosting our rehearsal dinner. It is at a local Italian restaurant and will be for 30 people, so im not sure how much they spent on it. The difference is they offered it to us without us asking...

And that is a hUge difference. You do not decide on a $60k wedding and then demand everyone pony up their $20k. You see what you can spend, what you are offered, and then plan within that.

MGP

summerbride2015 said:

To be fair, they are paying for/hosting our rehearsal dinner. It is at a local Italian restaurant and will be for 30 people, so im not sure how much they spent on it. The difference is they offered it to us without us asking...

Unless your RD is $700/head they are not spending $20K on it.  And if it is $700/head I would like to come.  

Just kidding those people are crazypants.  The "invoicing" trend needs to stop on all counts.

holyguacamole79

summerbride2015, happy wedding week to you!

summerbride2015

@sarahbear31 Thank you!

Nymeru

That's just flat-out crazy. $20k a piece?  Hell no.  Just...no.

lovesclimbing

Ditto, PPs, no, no, no, no, no and no.  Your poor parents.

beethery

The fuck is going on? This is the second instance in LESS THAN A WEEK of someone's parents going fucking bananas and demanding money from other parties for wedding funding.

We need to find the website/facebook group/book club/whatever that is promoting this foolishness and stomp the shit out.

Fran1985

sarahbear31 said:

Am I the only one really interested in attending this $60k wedding just for the quality food & booze?

OP, you gave your FMIL wise counsel.  Let us know what comes of this!

Honestly at the ones Ive been too, not that great. 60k is throws a really nice wedding (obviously) but I think that's the price point where a lot of the stuff doesn't get appreciated. There is not much difference in the experience level between a 30k and 60k wedding in my experience. at 100k is where its really over the top (and insane). But I don't think I've ever had out of this world food at that price point. I'd much rather well done comfort food like bbq.