Can I ask you guys about death/ funerals?

jenna8984

Sorry if this is long and sorry it's a debbie downer subject. So I've never experienced the death of a loved one. I know it's crazy but I'm 29 years old and I've never lost a parent, grandparent, sibling, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend, acquaintance, etc. I have no idea how to even process someone close to me dying....FI says when my 10 year old cat dies I will be a wreck and he's probably right!

Two years ago, FI's grandmother passed. We were not engaged at the time but living together and very serious so I forced myself to go to the wake with him. It was my first one and I had no idea what to expect. He knew it was going to be weird for me and he said I didn't have to go but I wanted to. He warned his parents that I'd never been to one or experienced it. When we first got there, FI's dad walked right up to me and just hugged me and said "don't be scared, we love you, and thank you for coming". I started crying on the spot! I don't even know why but I couldn't handle it. I didn't know FI's grandmother, I guess it was just the concept of death, and there's a body right there, and that it's going to happen to my own grandparents soon, and it's so sad for the family. I had to take FI's car and leave because I couldn't stop crying (which FI expected and was so understanding). I felt like a fool because FI's cousins that I've never even met where all looking at me in the parking lot like "What is this girl's deal? She didn't even know my grandma?" So then I was crying more because I felt embarrassed. So that was my one and only wake experience.

Cut to today. My brother is a year older than me so we are really close and growing up we shared friends and all hung out in a group so his friends and my friends were all close knit. Brother's best friend in the whole world, we'll call him Bill, he was the closest thing I had to a 2nd brother. When my brother got thrown out of my parent's house, Bill's family took him in. So my brother became part of their family, he calls their mom "mom". Well Bill's older brother died unexpectedly a few days ago. My brother (and obviously Bill) are taking it very hard.

I don't know what to do. The wake and funeral are tomorrow. I only met the brother once (so you don't need to console me), but I really want to be there for my brother and Bill. I am just afraid it's going to be like the other wake, where I lose my shit, and the guy's wife and everyone looks at me like "you didn't know him". What do you think I should do?

climbingsingle

I unfortunately have been to many funerals and wakes. And I always feel so awkward at them, especially if I don't know the person extremely well. FI's friend passed away suddenly earlier this year. I had never met him, but I went with FI to the wake. 

I tend to tear up when I see other people cry. And I ended up crying at this guy's wake. I also was thinking, "I hope people aren't looking at me thinking why is this girl crying when she didn't know him?" But I know from my own experience that people are usually too much into their own grief to be judging the reactions of others. 

Go to the wake tomorrow and stay as long as you can. Even if it's only for 5 minutes, you were at least there to show your support. 

holyguacamole79

First off, I'm sorry to hear about Bill's (and your brother's) loss. 

I've been to several funerals (including family - all of my grandparents have passed, and two of them passed away before I was 10).  So, I guess I'm more "seasoned" at attending them. 

Honestly, I think you need to do what's best for you in this situation.  On one hand, attending the wake / funeral would show support to Bill & his family/friends.  And, it would help you acclimate to what that experience is like so that you can be more prepared for when you have to experience it for someone in your family (or even a friend).  I'm sure Bill & your brother would be thankful for the support, but I don't think they would think less of you if you showed your support in another way that doesn't involve attending the wake / funeral.

And, I'll be honest - when people lose their shit at funerals (regardless of the relationship), I NEVER would look at that person and think "you don't know him".  You never know what someone is going through or how loss will affect him/her.  I'd like to think that others will be similarly non-judgy in that situation as well.

Heck, I lost my shit at my step-grandma's funeral, but for a different reason (it was in the same church where my grandmother's funeral was, and being in that church brought back those feelings).  You honestly never know what's going on with someone.

I know that when my grandfather passed away in 2011, it meant the world to me that one of my dear friends came to the funeral (even though she met my grandfather once or twice at the most).  I try to attend funerals if a parent / grandparent of a friend has passed to show my support. 

But, again - this has to be something that YOU are comfortable with.  I personally don't like looking at the body of the deceased unless I actually knew him/her.  Perhaps you could still go and show your respect, but avoid approaching the casket. 

Regardless of what you do, keep in touch with Bill after the chaos of the funeral has passed.  Perhaps send him a personalized card for Christmas (since holidays are often the hardest after loosing someone).  A woman at my church lost her husband to cancer, and I sent her a Valentine's Day card the next year.  She told me that it was really helpful for her as she mourned her first Valentine's Day without her husband.

I hope I didn't ramble too much!  Good luck!

theartistformerlyknownas

Ditto sarahbear. Nobody is judging you for crying at a funeral. Don't let that worry you. I've broken down at funerals for strangers, at the thought of what their wife/sister/parents/children are going through. It's ok.

And this is gonna sound really weird, but it helped me the first few times I went to a wake. Look at the body. Go to pay your respects, say a prayer, whatever, but then LOOK at it. You'll see it's not really "a dead body laying there." It's just a shell. Their soul is gone, and what's left looks peaceful but not like some creepy dead body.

ShellD13

I've been to too many funerals as well.  I like all of the other PP comments but I will add one more (maybe not useful for tomorrow but may help someday).  For family funerals we are expected to get there early and stay the whole time we also typically have a large "celebration of life" luncheon following the funeral...if I find myself getting particularly choked up I find a way to keep myself busy.  For example, I come from a large family with lots of young kids present so we generally have a room off to the side in the funeral home where we keep snacks/juice boxes for the littles around and I'll wander in there to tidy/organize/distribute snacks to keep my mind busy.  And the day of the funeral I'll start helping prepare the lunch or helping the caterers just to stay busy. 

JCbride2015

Yeah, nobody's going to judge you if you get upset. If you feel up to going, just go and stay as long as you can. Even a few minutes to say hello and give Bill a hug would be appreciated. And ditto sarahbear on following up every once in a while with a card or something to show support. 

I have the opposite problem at funerals. Unfortunately I've been to several, including friends who went way too young. I get really stoic and I probably look either shell shocked or completely emotionless. Then I worry people are judging because I'm not upset enough.  I did cry at Fi's Nonno's wake when just the family first walked into the room because it felt so real. Somehow in the hospital with him it seemed like he could still get up, but then there we were at the funeral home, you know?

Everybody processes grief differently, and the people around you are probably just concerned about themselves.  Don't worry about it. 

Bubblegum5586

I consider myself blessed that I didn't experience my first death (grandfather) until I was 18 (and since we are Jewish there was no wake). 

My first wake came a few years later when my aunt passed suddenly from a brain tumor (she died only 4 days after we found out she had one) and that traumatized me (still does). I had a hard time at the wake because I didn't know what to do, plus the whole experience was so hard on me I was already a mess so I didn't really care what anyone thought. I walked through the line with my dad who is a very spiritual person and I asked what to do. He always touches the body (on the arm) to feel they are no longer there to help him accept the situation. I tried to... but I just couldn't...

Flash forward a few years and unfortunately I have experience death a few more times and have had a few more wakes. Most of the wakes I was not super close to the person but went more for support of someone and I still cry uncontrollably. It is just SO SAD (a few of these were mothers in their 50's and I just can't comprehend that) and my heart just aches for the families. I also feel embarrassed sometimes because I feel like "who is that girl" but I have a tender heart and I can't help it.

Now H has been very blessed and the only deaths he had experienced are from my side. He has a tender heart too, and at my Nana's funeral last December (no wake again) every time he looked at my mom he started crying. Although he had met my Nana several times, she lived far away so was never super close to her. But seeing the family's pain really affected him.

And when it comes to death I handle it differently depending on the situation. Anyone young, I just can't handle. I know life is not fair, but that is when I struggle the most. Although when my Nana died I was so sad because I miss her of course. But I had a sense of peace knowing she was in her late 80's, had 4 children, 10 grandchildren and 6 great grandchildren that loved her dearly. 2 months before she died she flew a 2 hr flight to come to our wedding (the last time I saw her) and the night she passed my Aunt, cousin, and cousin's daughter were by her side. 4 generations of love with her after a lifetime of love. To me that is the ideal way to go, an amazing life full of family and love and then to pass in your sleep surrounded my family.

Ummmm wow I just turned this into a mini therapy session for myself! Sorry about that OP! 

As far as advice... I think you should go, is there someone you can go with besides your brother? And stay for as long as you can. I think your support will mean a lot

lyndausvi

I've been to more funerals than I want to think about.    No one judges others for how they grieve.   

My first funeral was at 8.  It was my not-very-close great uncle. I come from a huge family. One that was aging also.   My parents wanted to expose us to funerals of not-so-close family so the first one wasn't our grandparent or someone equally close.  I have to say it did make it less scary the next time.

I go through different emotions.  At wakes I walk in and just bawl.  Even if I barely knew them.  That lasts a minute, then I fine.  (our wakes are full of laughter and telling happy stories of the deceased, so that helps)    During the funeral itself I breakdown at some point.  Then I'm fine.   Then at the cemetery I start all over again.  Then I'm fine.  Then at the receptions I'm back to laughing and telling happy stories of the deceased.    

I say go and suck it up.    This is going to sounds bad, but people die, people close to you will die at some point. I think going to funerals of acquaintances is a good way to get use to them so-to-speak.  Not that you ever get use to them, but find they get less scary as time goes on.

danamw

JCbride2015 said:

I have the opposite problem at funerals. Unfortunately I've been to several, including friends who went way too young. I get really stoic and I probably look either shell shocked or completely emotionless. Then I worry people are judging because I'm not upset enough.  I did cry at Fi's Nonno's wake when just the family first walked into the room because it felt so real. Somehow in the hospital with him it seemed like he could still get up, but then there we were at the funeral home, you know?

Everybody processes grief differently, and the people around you are probably just concerned about themselves.  Don't worry about it. 

Oh lord, I have that problem too. I am dry-eyed and stiff-upper lipped at funerals, no matter what. I have been scolded for not crying, accused of being cold & heartess.

I have to say to anyone wondering, do go to the viewing, yes. You don't have to approach the casket, but being there for the living is the most important thing.

jenna8984

Thanks everyone. I'm so sorry that you all have had to deal with this on many occasions. The advice given has been really helpful. I think it's probably best that I go for as long as I can and at least give my brother and Bill a hug. And you all are right, it's easy to feel like everyone is judging you for crying/ not crying but people have their own things going through their mind and not concerned with the random crying girl. I didn't think of it like that before. I totally agree that it hits me harder (whether I know the person or not) when they are young. Like Bubblegum said, someone who had 85 wonderful years of family and love is a little less heartbreaking than a younger person who didn't get to experience those years yet. This particular man, has 2 young daughters and one has had a terminal illness since birth so my heart just aches for the family that they don't lose her in the next few months/ years. Oh yea, I forgot to ask- the funeral itself is private/ family/ invitation right? Since they get catering and stuff like that, it wouldn't be appropriate of me to show up for that, right? Just the wake part? Thank you

jenna8984

I swear ^^ that had paragraphs

AlexaF2014

I had friends from my high school sports team come to my dad's funeral; friends that I wasn't that close to, or really spoke to since high school. These kids (college age) kinda knew my dad, but not really. One of them cried when he hugged me after the funeral mass, but you know what? I didn't feel offended, or think about how well he knew my dad; he was sharing my grief and empathizing with what I was going through, and the fact that he took the time and came and gave his condolences still means so much to me, years later. 

If you feel like you can't make it, for whatever reason, send a card. A friend from out of state sent a sympathy card with a personal note inside that I still have. Honestly, little things mean lot, just do the best you can. And remember that these people are grieving; if anyone says something harsh, it's the pain talking, not necessarily what they mean.

Inkdancer

If you decide that going to the wake is too much for you, consider going to Bill's house. Grieving people often neglect food and cleaning. If you can do something practical for him, it will mean a lot.

IrishPirate60

Funerals are generally public. The newspaper notice tells when and where, so if someone shows up, the family is fine. If the service is private, the obit will not give details of the service.

mrsmagicgeek

I can tell you from my sister's viewing and funeral I remember who came, but for the most part I don't remember how long anyone stayed or who went up to the casket and who did not. I remember being hugged by a ton of people, must of whom had never met my sister. She was AF so a lot of Veterans came out of respect. For the most part though, viewings are as much about supporting the loved ones left behind as they are about respecting the deceased.

holyguacamole79

The only time I've heard of a private funeral would be for a celebrity or if the death was highly publicized. I'd confirm with your brother, but I imagine it's public.

ETA: My grandfather's wake and burial were family only (the funeral was open to the public). We didn't publicize the time / date of the family-only events. So, I would assume that since you know where / when the funeral is, it's public.

larrygaga

I work in hospice and I have also been to many funerals and all that. All I have to say is that it is perfectly okay to cry and be upset. It's a human reaction and if you weren't uncomfortable then you would be one of the few on earth. It doesn't matter the relationship, everyone handles death completely differently. Excuse yourself if you don't want to be that upset in front of other people, and go to the funeral. Even if you weren't close to the deceased, you can still go out of respect for the family.

I don't think you should ever skip a funeral. It's so important for that closure.

afox007

I have lost my shit at the funeral of someone I had never met. He had committed suicide after years of struggling to deal with bipolar disorder (which I have). His dad was making what border lined on a PSA on getting help and it just hit way too close to me and I lost it. 

Not one person judged me, my boyfriend at the time thought it was a little odd since it was his friend who even he hadn't seen in years. 

manillabar

You already got tons of great advice, but I just wanted to add my two cents.

Between having a huge family and being a pastor's kid, i've been to too many funerals (though honestly, even one is more than enough).  Funerals are generally public unless noted otherwise by the family.

 Also, when someone close to you dies, you appreciate all the love and support you can get.  Even people who barely know the deceased but came just to show you support anyway.  My FI and I were dating for less than 3 months when one of my aunts passed away.  It hit all of us hard, and he came for the wake and funeral even though he had never met my aunt (or any of my family for that matter- way to meet the parents lol). He still cried at certain times, and no one side eyed him for that.  My sister and cousins later told me how much they appreciated that he came, and that it was clear that he was there to show his support, despite not knowing my aunt.  

TL;DR: go for as long as you feel comfortable, and cry if you feel like crying.  No one will judge you and your friend and brother will appreciate your presence and support.