Bachelor[ette] Party Expenses?

lebeers

What is the proper etiquette for bachelor and bachelorette parties in terms of cost to the guests? I know this is one type of event that is not typically on the couples' dime, and that makes me generally uncomfortable.
Every bachelorette party I have attended has involved some awkward situation regarding money over limos, shows, bar/club preferences, or the 2-hour fight over fairly splitting the bill fifteen ways at the restaurant when the waiter inevitably confuses the tabs. In the past, when there has been a situation where one guest could not afford their share of the limo or the dinner bill is not adding up, I am always the one to pitch in and cover the conflict. I don't want it to ruin the party and the bride's evening, but I also feel a little annoyed that these problems come up time and time again and I definitely don't want any of my girls to fall into that predicament. My fiance says that he encounters the same thing at all of the bachelor parties he has attended, but we both agree that under no circumstances would our guests allow us to pay for the events, or even pay for ourselves.
How does a bride or groom handle throwing a party that will be the fun, outrageous, and inescapably costly (NYC$$$$) event that some of the guests want, expect and gladly afford...while still respecting the attendees that don't have the disposable income but want to be there for the celebration (and avoid judgement/scorn)?

Liatris2010

lebeers said:

What is the proper etiquette for bachelor and bachelorette parties in terms of cost to the guests? I know this is one type of event that is not typically on the couples' dime, and that makes me generally uncomfortable.
Every bachelorette party I have attended has involved some awkward situation regarding money over limos, shows, bar/club preferences, or the 2-hour fight over fairly splitting the bill fifteen ways at the restaurant when the waiter inevitably confuses the tabs. In the past, when there has been a situation where one guest could not afford their share of the limo or the dinner bill is not adding up, I am always the one to pitch in and cover the conflict. I don't want it to ruin the party and the bride's evening, but I also feel a little annoyed that these problems come up time and time again and I definitely don't want any of my girls to fall into that predicament. My fiance says that he encounters the same thing at all of the bachelor parties he has attended, but we both agree that under no circumstances would our guests allow us to pay for the events, or even pay for ourselves.
How does a bride or groom handle throwing a party that will be the fun, outrageous, and inescapably costly (NYC$$$$) event that some of the guests want, expect and gladly afford...while still respecting the attendees that don't have the disposable income but want to be there for the celebration (and avoid judgement/scorn)?

The bride and groom do not throw the bachelor parties. If someone offers to host one for you, you get one. Otherwise, you do not. If someone does offer they will probably ask what you had in mind. If you don't want to worry about splitting big expenses a dozen ways, don't ask for things like limos.

RebeccaFlower

You don't throw your own parties, so this is a non issue. However, I do applaud you for wanting to be conscious of how much it costs your friends. 

IF someone offers, just tell them you'd like something low-key and inexpensive. 

SJM7538

Ditto PP. don't plan your own party but it sounds like
Your heart is in the right place with keeping your friends in mind.



Now if you're planning a bachelorette party for someone else then... Get a guest list from the bride and pick a date. You can either contact each guest and privately find out their budget for the event if they plan on attending and then plan accordingly or plan the party and if people can't come then they can't come.


I planned a good friends bachelorette a few years ago. I knew exactly what the bride wanted to do. So I researched hotels and baseball ticket prices in Boston. I sent out an email to every one on the guest list and asked them to respond privately with their thoughts about the party/costs. It turned into a shit show bc half of them were a bunch of drama queens and everyone complained about the price of the hotel. I searched up and down and found the best prices possible for hotels in Boston (the one we went with ended up being $150 a night) and was two blocks from a ton of restaurants and bars. IMO a great price for a nice clean place to stay within Walking distance of nightlife. There was also three girls to a room and I covered all the brides costs that weekend. It was next to impossible to find anything cheaper. Everyone was so quick to tell
Me to change the plans but it was pretty clear what the bride wanted to do.

Needless to say after two weeks of back and forth banter and being being bombarded with emails, txts and phone calls I finally just told everyone to let me know by X date if they were attending so I could book the hotel and buy tickets and if they couldn't make it I was sorry. And when we went out to dinner I just always made sure to get my own bill.


Sorry that was kind of a pointless rant but I guess my point was that you can't always make everyone happy especially when you start throwing in splitting costs for tickets, hotels, limos ect.

holyguacamole79

First, definitely ditto PP. You do not handle any of this for your party. If someone offers to throw you one, she will likely ask for suggestions / requests. Be mindful when you give feedback.

Whoever is hosting the party should contact the guests regarding the cost for the night. Ideally, things should be already calculated and determined regarding these aspects. I recently hosted 2 bachelorette parties. For one of them, we just did appetizers at home followed by dinner out. For the other, we did dinner out followed by a night of painting. For both of them, we contacted the restaurant prior and found out the policy on splitting checks. One venue would not do separate checks, so I contacted the guests and made sure everyone had enough cash to cover her meal + her portion of the Bride's. The other allowed for separate checks, and I just added the bride to mine since she was my sister.

This should ALL be handled before hand by the hostesses and the guests.

southernbelle0915

Ditto PPs, the B&G don't plan their own parties. 

The cost thing gets awkward and causes problems because the "host" often book things (like limos) without asking if anyone wants to co-host (read: pay) and then tells people "this is what you owe me". It's just bad party planning and recipe for problems.

psiloveyouu

Forgive my ignorance, but I am still learning and taking the time to peruse the boards to brush up on my ettiquette...

So under no circumstances is a bride to plan/host her own bachelorette party?

The reason I ask is because my fiancé and I have agreed not to have a bridal party, so I don't really expect anyone to "throw/plan" anything from me.

What I wanted to do was invite my girlfriends/female relatives out for a night out (entirely on my dime) just to have a good time, maybe rent out a few tables at a club and have drinks/dancing. Most of my guests are coming from out of town so I thought paying for it myself would be a good way to thank them/entertain them for the night.

Is this improper ettiquette?

Thanks!

psiloveyouu

martha1818 said:

iannawill said:

Forgive my ignorance, but I am still learning and taking the time to peruse the boards to brush up on my ettiquette...

So under no circumstances is a bride to plan/host her own bachelorette party?

The reason I ask is because my fiancé and I have agreed not to have a bridal party, so I don't really expect anyone to "throw/plan" anything from me.

What I wanted to do was invite my girlfriends/female relatives out for a night out (entirely on my dime) just to have a good time, maybe rent out a few tables at a club and have drinks/dancing. Most of my guests are coming from out of town so I thought paying for it myself would be a good way to thank them/entertain them for the night.

Is this improper ettiquette?

Thanks!

I think that's fine as long as it's just a "night out" and not labeled as a "bachelor/ette" party, just in case people think a gift or something is necessary.

ETA: Just because you don't have a bridal party doesn't mean that someone from your family/friend group won't offer to throw something. And if you DO have a bridal party doesn't mean you should have the attitude/expectation that they should be throwing things for you (I'm not implying you have this attitude, just saying this for lurkers).

Thanks for clarifying!

Based on our situation/experience, I'm not expecting anything from anyone - bridal party or no bridal party.

To say I would be (happily) shocked if anyone did offer to throw me anything would be an understatement LOL but I am more than happy to treat my friends to a night out for making the trip to see me get married.

Thanks again!

southernbelle0915

iannawill said: Forgive my ignorance, but I am still learning and taking the time to peruse the boards to brush up on my ettiquette... So under no circumstances is a bride to plan/host her own bachelorette party? The reason I ask is because my fiancé and I have agreed not to have a bridal party, so I don't really expect anyone to "throw/plan" anything from me. What I wanted to do was invite my girlfriends/female relatives out for a night out (entirely on my dime) just to have a good time, maybe rent out a few tables at a club and have drinks/dancing. Most of my guests are coming from out of town so I thought paying for it myself would be a good way to thank them/entertain them for the night. Is this improper ettiquette? Thanks!

************TK boxes...************************

You can rent out tables and go out with your friends whenever you want. If I were a friend I would never object to being hosted like that! But I think you need to be careful doing that and making it come off as a bach...unless of course you normally do stuff like this.

If you have OOT guests, something you might consider is meeting people out at the bar after your rehearsal dinner (if having). We did this so we could spend a little more time with our OOT guests. We just phrased it as "hey, we'll be at XYZ bar at 8:30 if you want to come". We bought a round, but otherwise, people were on their own cost wise.

climbingsingle

I think what you have planned sounds fine. Just don't call it a bachelorette party.

MandyMost

You want to have a night out with your girlfriends before your wedding, and you're happy to host/pay for the event...nothing wrong with that at all! As long as you're not looking for your friends to do something big for you at that event, you're in the clear. It's just a night out. However, if I was your friends, I would definitely contact each other and plan a bunch of "bachelorette" things for you that night, even if it's just a few silly things. And I think that's a good thing.

If someone doesn't have friends willing or able to step up and plan a bachelorette party, it doesn't mean you have to spend your time sitting home alone. You can always have nights out and celebrations with your friends, whenever you want. And if your friends who are not willing or able to really step up, host, and plan ARE able to take advantage of your girls night out to celebrate your upcoming wedding, then there's nothing wrong with that at all. 

The key is just that you're really not "allowed" to throw a party in your own honor (such as throwing your own bachelorette party), and you're also not allowed to demand others pay for and plan a party in your honor. Since it sounds as if you're doing neither, I think you're good. 

thisismynickname2

To the original question....

I think you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.  The host(s) of the party must plan something that technically would be within their budget if they had to cover the entire thing.  If the host(s) can't afford something lavish, the bride or groom does not get something lavish, plain and simple.

In my circle, any activity that cannot be easily split or would change per person if anyone dropped (limos are the perfect example, as are hotel rooms) should be covered in full by the host(s).  The expenses for the bride are covered by the host(s).  Things like dinner and drinks or individual event tickets are paid for by each guest.

Usually parties in my circle are multi-faceted too. If someone wants to hang out during the day but can't afford dinner with the group, then they can just choose to hang out during the day. I had a pregnant friend join for dinner and leave before we went to the nightclub. I do think if you have at least two different activities with different price points it allows guests flexibility to do what they can afford or what they want to do without having to completely bail on their friend. 

Examples: day: baseball game, evening: dinner

day: mani/pedis, evening: dinner, night: dancing

evening: dinner, night: dancing

BNS810

My situation is a little different and I am unsure how to handle it. What if the MOH plans a party (without input from bride) and then tells the guests how much it will cost them? I am sure that the attendees can probably afford it but I feel more than guilty because of it.

JellyBean52513

BNS810 said:

My situation is a little different and I am unsure how to handle it. What if the MOH plans a party (without input from bride) and then tells the guests how much it will cost them? I am sure that the attendees can probably afford it but I feel more than guilty because of it.

Don't ever assume you know what someone can afford.... for those of who have experienced what it feels like to live paycheck-to-paycheck, it can be very embarrassing and not something that you'd ever let other people in on. Just a general life rule

As to your concern, it's definitely not right for the MOH (or any one person) to plan the entire party and then invoice other people after the fact. Whoever takes charge of planning should consult with others and ask if they have any date restrictions and what their budgets are if they would like to contribute. 

lebeers

To clarify, I am not intending to plan or host the party, but the MOH (my little sister) and my other girlfriends asked what I was interested in doing. In my experience this is standard practice, because obviously those planning the party would want to know if I don't want to go to a busy club, or if I don't find it enjoyable to get my feet scrubbed by a pedicurist, etc. I guess the lack of control in how the whole thing is handled is what makes me nervous. It is a party in my honor and involves the people closest to me, and I want it to be a pleasant experience all around.
Also to clarify, I know a lot of responses were about @iannawill's intention to have a non-bach party that she is hosting (which is a great alternative), but my original post was referring to a party my sister/friends want to throw.
Like I said, I have never been to a bachelorette party where there wasn't a huge issue that soured the evening for the bride and the guests alike. I am honored that my girls want to have this celebration in my honor and have a fun night out, but I have seen these things get SO out of control.
[STORIES!:
One of my BMs had a BP that involved a limo into Midtown filled with good booze, an upscale dinner, several famous NYC clubs, a drag show, and a private room at a karaoke bar. Much of this evening was composed of spontaneous stops to clubs with mystery covers. It was a blast, but it was obviously difficult for many of afford. I didn't mind, because it's what she wanted to do and it was an awesome experience, but it was financially challenging for almost everyone. I had to cover a few people that could not afford to go to these spontaneous stops and wanted to sit in the limo instead.
Another of my BMs had her bachelorette party thing past Spring, being cautious not to repeat such a large expensive affair. We had dinner and drinks at a fairly affordable but very nice local taco place and then had one of those "Pleasure Party" situations back at a hotel room for which everyone agreed to split the cost. The bill fiasco was never-ending--some people were putting in what they *thought* they owed (not considering the bride, the pitchers of margaritas and appetizers for the table, tax, tip...), some people spent hours trying to decipher the screwy tab and writing calculations on the their napkins, and some people like myself wanted to keep the bride from having a panic attack and picked up the large remainder. Most guests decided not to stay over at the hotel, so they didn't put in for the room, which of course made the cost unexpectedly higher for everyone else. The party was fun, but after all that it seemed kind of inappropriate to have an eager salesperson hosting the second half of the party.
Somewhere miles away the same thing was happening to my fiance at the bachelor party. Minus the vibrator saleswoman, I assume.]
Everyone wants to have a good time, and everyone wants the bride (or groom) to have a good time. Most people are prepared to spend a little extra, but some are not, and shouldn't have to go home, sit in the car, or feel like a total wet blanket. I have also been one of those people living paycheck-to-paycheck, and there are a million potentially embarrassing situations that can arise at one of these occasions. It's also not great to be the one on the other end that gets stuck with a surprise bill. I can't imagine it's very fun for the host or the bride to see everyone arguing. 
How do I delicately guide my MOH--who has never planned something like this before, and doesn't know the rest of the girls very well--to navigate this tricky terrain? If 14 girls are all about dinner and a show and 2 girls are concerned about the cost, I don't want it to be an issue before, after or at the party itself. I want to make sure everyone is considered and heard, their expectations are managed, and there are no surprises (well, expense-wise, anyway). How do I oversee that everything is going smoothly without getting inappropriately involved?

lebeers

@thisismynickname I am thinking this may be a good method to help me with my piece of the planning. Have a few different things at different price points that the girls can pick and choose to attend will make it a lot easier for people to participate without feeling financial pressure. Do you guys think it is appropriate to go to a show earlier in the evening, and then have people meet up later at a hotel room for drinks/food/fun (that the guests are not financially responsible for)?

thisismynickname2

lebeers said:

@thisismynickname I am thinking this may be a good method to help me with my piece of the planning. Have a few different things at different price points that the girls can pick and choose to attend will make it a lot easier for people to participate without feeling financial pressure. Do you guys think it is appropriate to go to a show earlier in the evening, and then have people meet up later at a hotel room for drinks/food/fun (that the guests are not financially responsible for)?

I think that sounds fine. But like PP says, just ask around for budgets first to help guide everything. 

SP29

Problems seem to arise when either a) the party involves expensive events and/or b) costs are not known ahead of time. I went to a bacch. party for my friend when I was still a student, the rest of her friends were working full time. I had to come late and was a bit surprised that the bar they were at had a cover change (I thought it was more of a restaurant style). Cover wasn't expensive, but I was unprepared because I never carry cash on me (I also wasn't drinking that night). Fortunately, when I asked for the ATM the bouncer told me just to go in. The rest of the night was fine however, as everyone ordered their drinks at the bar, so everyone paid what they wanted to, either for them self or for others. At my bacch. party, we had food at a friend's house, which she and two other friends supplied. Then we went to a bar (that did not have cover) and everyone covered their own drinks. The bill was on one tab, but everyone was great about picking up their share. I think it helped that it was a small party and most people knew each other so if anything a couple of them "fought" about that they weren't being allowed to pay enough. I think that brides should generally suggest reasonable options for events. I get that jet setting off to some big city is super fun, but that's a big expense for most people and puts pressure on friends to "step up". If that's something someone wants to do, do it separately with the small group who want to do that. Then, make sure the costs and a general plan for the day/night is known up front. For example, dinner at X restaurant, then we are going to X bar which charges Y for cover. Mani and pedi package costs X. Etc...