Chit Chat

Grounds for divorce... After 3 weeks of marriage

"D"H and I had a massive fight Satuday night/Sunday morning. We went out tailgating a late game and after the game he wanted to meet his cousin at a bar. He told her he wpuld and felt obligated. I told him early in the day, completely sober I didn't want to go. She would have underatood. I think she invites us to be nice. Still we went. I was tired. My body ached from being on my feet and walking for hours. I didn't drink amything. He did shots with her and her friends. I'm 90% sure she is gay but not out. All of her friends are. She was dancing with girls before she noticed us. She visibly stopped having as much fun when we arrived. But we already know this about it her so I mentioned to H that we should go. He thinks I'm saying that just because I'm a sour puss and am not having fun. That is true also but the only reason we were there is because he felt like he promised her but she didn't even care. We finally left after he has a other drink.

Then he wants pizza. I stand in line while he tried to get a cab. Not possible. After 30 mins I give up on the pizza line and sit on a curb. He is cutting with strangers and I order and Uber. It takes us to our car $55 for 4 miles. Whatever. H is obnoxious in the Uber and embarasaing me and the driver. We en we get in our car and I start driving home. He starts going g on and on about "should I just go by myself next time? You didn't have to come out after the game, blah blah" I did have to come out. We had one car. Miles away. One set of keys to get in the house. I tried to tell him I didn't want to talk and to just shut up. We are shouting at this point. The radio is on and "our song" comes on. The one we danced to. The one that makes me all emotional every time I hear it.

Then he punches me.

Right in the jaw. I gasp and look at him and he does it again on the other side of my face. He says "I can't fucking take it anymore". We are speeding down the freeway at 65 mph. I hit the brakes pull over, throw the car in park and it skids to a stop. I hop out and start wasking. Nothing happens. 20 seconds late I hear the zoom towards me. I jump the gaurdrail. Jump a fence and run. I hid in the bushes of a shopping center for about 40 mins while he looked for me. He would come and go. Calling my phone 12 times in an hour. Once I hadn't seen him in a while i walked 1.5 miles back to campus and took a cab home. I was going to sleep in my car but his drunk self left the keys in the front door so I bar academic myself in the guestroom. Just in case he was still raging. He was passed out drunk though.

Now I don't know what to do. 12 years of dating, 2 houses, 2 children, no abuse and now 3 weeks after we are wed he hits me. Hard. My face still hurts. I didn't talk to him yesterday except right before bed. He tried to apologize and say it was a mistake. He was drunk he didn't realize. Should never have said or done the things he did. I had no sympathy and couldn't even look him in the face. He slept in the guest room.

I'm at work now and cannot concentrate. I want to curl up in a ball under my desk and dissappear. I don't know who to talk to and what to do. He has been the only person I go to for years. Now I cant. All of our friends are couple friends. I can't tell them. Or the parents. Not yet anyway. I was supposed to do thank you cards yesterday. I almost wrote checks and sent them all back.

Thanks if you go through this. I'm a mess today. No tears at all through all of this. Maybe if I can cry I'll feel better.
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Re: Grounds for divorce... After 3 weeks of marriage

  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2014
    Oh my God, Seneca, I didn't even read all of that but please understand how much support you have here and how strong you are.  Going back to read the rest of it now.  

    ETA: Wow, I'm just so, so sorry.  There is no excuse for what he did.  I am RAGING for you right now.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • Oh my god! I can't believe he hit you. Holy shit. I din't even know what to say.
  • Oh, my God. I don't have any words for this,other than I'm so sorry.

    Do you need any medical attention? I'd seek that before heading home, if you do. If there's any soul you can confide in nearby, I'd do that too. 

    Please, put your safety and your kids safety first (I know you will). Think long and hard before making decisions, but I don't know if I'd be able to get over that, personally. 

    Come here to talk/vent/rage all you need to. People are here. 

    You don't deserve that sort of treatment. Ever.

    Please, know you'll be in my thoughts today.
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  • Oh Seneca, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

    I don't have any great advice, but please know that we are all here to support you. Please take care of yourself and your children. Is there any way you could stay somewhere else for a couple days? That might help you to find some clarity on the situation, to be able to think through the next steps.

    Sending you lots of thoughts and prayers today.
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  • Oh my god.

    Seneca, I don't know what you plan to do. I've been there, so I know what you're going through. You are a STRONG, strong lady. 

    Remember that he had his second chance after that first punch, and he hit you again. If you go back to get your stuff and the kids, make sure you have a couple of people with you. Or, make sure he's been taken away by the cops and get in and out while he's not there.

    No one deserves violence. Nothing you did, and nothing he can say will change that. There was no reason for what he did.
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    I'm the fuck
    out.

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  • Find a safe place to stay until you work it all out. Don't tell him where you are going. 


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  • @SenecaF I'm so sorry he did this to you and your family.  You don't deserve this, nobody does.  

    Try to find someone IRL to talk to - someone who you can trust and who you can look to for support/advice. 

    I know it was the first time, but what has me more worried is that he hit you not once, but twice, and that you were so scared after that you felt like you needed to run and hide to avoid him.  That is not ok.  Something in your gut was telling you to run and hide.   Could you handle that feeling again?

    I know you're at work and maybe it's providing you with a break from it all, if not, maybe you should take the day off to recoup.  Maybe stop by a counseling office or a church to try and speak to someone separate from your friends and family who can help.

    My thoughts are with you and your kids.


  • Oh my God!  I am crying for you, Seneca.  That is heartbreaking and so awful.  You know there are so many of us out here who care for you and will support you in whatever way we can from a distance.  I will not tell you what to do, but the title of the thread tells me you already know.

    You did not, do not, will never deserve that treatment.  Praying for you.




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  • I'm so sorry...I am in shock that this happened. Please talk to someone about it IRL and seek medical attention if needed. I think it would be best to take a few days with you and your kids and stay somehwere else while you decide what to do.

  • I am so sorry you're going through this @Senecaf‌, we're here for you, feel free to PM me if you want. You'll be in my T & P
  • I'm not afraid of him now. He feels like shit and rightfully so. We were in the same house yesterday and just didn't speak. The thing is I cannot parent without him. I can ask him to leave and he will but I need him to pick the kids up and buy groceries.

    Ugh all this would be much simpler without children involved
  • I honestly have no idea what I'd do in the sitation so I feel terible that I can't give advice. Just wanted to say that I'm so sorry it happened and I'll be thinking of you!

                                                                     

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  • I can't believe what I'm reading. I am heartbroken for you! 

    I think the first thing you need to do is to put your safety first. Can you afford a hotel, or go to a trusted friend or family member's house to stay? I would get away from H immediately. 

    There is no excuse for what he did, regardless of how drunk he was. I am so sorry this is happening to you. You absolutely have our support. I am sending thoughts your way. 

    What area do you live in? I only ask because it might be best to look into local support for this kind of thing. 
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  • I'm sorry you're going through this. *hugs*
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    Anniversary
  • Thank you all for your sympathy.
    I live in Columbus, OH. I'm sure there is stuff around here. It's a pretty large city.

    @JCbride2015‌ we have two cars, so that isn't a problem. It would just be so difficult logistically. I'm making excuses I know.
  • edited September 2014
    I'm so sorry to hear this.

    If it's as far out of the blue as it seems like it is, there may be an underlying issue of some type. We tell people all the time when their bridesmaids start acting weird that maybe there's something else going on that they don't know about. I understand that a bridesmaid and a husband are in fact different types of relationships, but it seems to me that there IS some new something going on, and it definitely needs to be figured out.

    I'd say get out at least for the short term, but I'd say also that perhaps a discussion be had once you feel safe and your kids are safe about WHY he did that, especially since it sounds like it was something that you would never have ever expected from him.

    ETA - it sounds like I'm excusing him. I'm not - what he did was ABSOLUTELY wrong. But I just wanted to try and give, maybe, a different perspective that might give you a chance to understand what happened, and possibly help you make a good decision - if it's an issue that medication or other treatment can overcome, or if it's AA, or if it's a psychiatrist, or if it's just that he decided to be an asshole once he couldn't lose you. I mean, if I were hit out of the blue after 12 years and a wedding, I'd want to know where it was through the 12 years before the wedding, because that would make a difference in my thought process.
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  • Senecaf said:
    Thank you all for your sympathy. I live in Columbus, OH. I'm sure there is stuff around here. It's a pretty large city. @JCbride2015‌ we have two cars, so that isn't a problem. It would just be so difficult logistically. I'm making excuses I know.


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    I hate to put it this way, but there are many successful single parents. It's so hard, but it can be done. It's worth it for your family's safety. If you parents are in any way supportive, they will help you get through it. 
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  • That asshole piece of shit; I want to wring his neck for what he did to you.  I am so sorry, you do not deserve that and nothing you ever did nor the fact that he was drunk and grumpy makes it OK that he put his hands on you in anger.  Please, there has to be a woman's shelter in your area.  Perhaps call them and ask if they have a therapist or someone that you can talk to.  If you needed to, I believe there are women's shelters that take in women and their children, as well, though staying with family or friends would probably be preferred.  If it is just because of the car, you can kick him out and keep the car to go grocery shopping, etc. with yourself and your kids.  You do not have to be together in order to co-parent your children.  
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  • larrygaga said:
    Senecaf said:
    Thank you all for your sympathy. I live in Columbus, OH. I'm sure there is stuff around here. It's a pretty large city. @JCbride2015‌ we have two cars, so that isn't a problem. It would just be so difficult logistically. I'm making excuses I know.


    BOX

    I hate to put it this way, but there are many successful single parents. It's so hard, but it can be done. It's worth it for your family's safety. If you parents are in any way supportive, they will help you get through it. 
    Yes.  Not to make this about me but to offer you an example that no matter how bad, it can be done.  When I was an infant, my mom left me at home with my dad and walked back in to find him snorting coke off our coffee table and just ignoring me.  She was a SAHM with no money, no car, nothing.  She took me and left, stayed with her best friend, and went on Welfare and food stamps.  We were both fed, warm, and safe while she got on her feet.  Even in a really dire situation, the options are there.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • The fact that he actually hit you twice is just unbelievable. I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive that. What happens next time he gets drunk like that? 
  • doeydodoeydo member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2014
    He will act remorseful and say anything he thinks will make you stay with him.  Then, things will be all good and lovey-dovey.  Until the next time, which there will be, and then the whole cycle starts again.
    ETA  If your daughter was grown up and with a man, what would you want her to do if he hit her?  
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  • Senecaf said:
    I'm not afraid of him now. He feels like shit and rightfully so. We were in the same house yesterday and just didn't speak. The thing is I cannot parent without him. I can ask him to leave and he will but I need him to pick the kids up and buy groceries. Ugh all this would be much simpler without children involved
    You can parent without him. Don't let this be a crutch. He can still be involved in your children's lives, if you so wish. But you do not NEED him to parent with. Sure it's making your daily routine difficult, but that can be sorted out. File a domestic violence complaint and a temporary restraining order. You have several months before needing to return to make it permanent. This will give you time to sort everything out without the pressure of having him around. Through the court you can arrange supervised visitations between him and the children.
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