I should be Happy... Right?

falsara

Ok so this is going to be long and I sincerely apologize.

  So about 5 years ago my parents, who had been married for 18 years started having marital problems. A lot of it had to deal with my dad's midlife crisis/ PTSD. My dad made some stupid decisions (mainly involving other women), my mom also made some stupid decisions. Long story short after three years of back and forth and two almost divorces, my mom finally pulled the plug and they filed for divorce. My dad refused to go to counseling, and my mom decided that since he wouldn't do the work to keep her, he would lose her. My mom went to stay at Nana's for 4 months, during which time me and my sister lived with Dad. We were both going to the community college, and working while we lived at home.

  Well my Mom had come back from Nana's in order to help me celebrate my 21st birthday. She ended up staying in AZ and not going back to Nana's. My parents decided to start dating each other I guess.... well Mom stayed in the house and they were working on their relationship.

I found out two days ago that my Dad proposed to my Mom, and they are now engaged to be married. Apparently there is no date, and they are taking things slow. And while I know I should be happy that my parents are back together, and that I ended up with the fairy tale that some children of divorce wish for, I can't help but feel upset about it.

  And here's why: If they were just going to end up back together, then why did they divorce at all? I mean there were some terrible fights that took place not just between my parents but also between me and each of my parents too. Dad deeply hurt both me and my sister when he made some very poor choices concerning some of the women he was seeing, things like choosing to see her and her kids for thanksgiving instead of me and my sister and he was just across town. Also I ended up being the sole person that Mom felt she could talk to and that meant that I spent a good portion of my time listening to my mom cry and get upset about all the ways Dad was hurting her.

Since they're now back together, I feel like there was all this hurt introduced into our family and for nothing....

I can't tell my Mom or Dad how I feel because through all of this one of the main problems has been them not respecting my feelings about much of this. Mainly about how mom ended up putting me in the middle and the fight that ensued when I told her that it was damaging my relationship with dad. There was also a very big fight that happened between my dad and I when Dad found out (After they were separated) that mom had introduced Me and Sister to her BF at the time. My relationship has been changed drastically by some of the events that happened during their divorce, and Mom and Dad just expect everything to go away now that they are back together in a more permanent fashion.

I also don't feel like it's right of me to rain on their parade, so I congratulated them, and asked about the details.

  I don't know if I should talk to my parents about any of this. I've talked to FI and he's been very patient with talking me through my emotions and helping me figure out why I was upset in the first place.

  Anyway I'm extremely sorry that this was so long. I really just needed to get this out there, and I couldn't think of another way to do it. I'm completely open to listening to comments of all types. I fully understand that feeling this way about what is a happy event makes me immature and selfish.

Thanks for listening (I guess reading).

ETA: WTF TK and Paragraphs

theartistformerlyknownas

You're allowed to feel however you feel. Just try to keep in mind that if everybody knew where they'd end up all the time, nobody would ever make mistakes. But we do. We're human. They didn't intentionally hurt each other or you.

Hang in there and gripe as much as you need to us and FI.

IrishPirate60

I remember long conversations with my mom when she griped about my stepdad. She'd ask my advice, go on and on. I was 12 when it started. I was 20 when they divorced. Still she kept me on as the confidant.

Finally I told her, "Look. I'm your KID. I don't have the life experiences. You never take my advice. Go find someone else to talk to about all this stuff."

Go spend some time with a counselor to hash all this stuff out. Your parents played the triangle game with you and it's not fair and is never a good idea. You and FI are a whole new relationship--and he'll have his own dealings with your parents. Better that they be clean dealings rather than seen through your experiences.

Best wishes.

NYCMercedes

cwradford said:

Ok so this is going to be long and I sincerely apologize. So about 5 years ago my parents, who had been married for 18 years started having marital problems. A lot of it had to deal with my dad's midlife crisis/ PTSD. My dad made some stupid decisions (mainly involving other women), my mom also made some stupid decisions. Long story short after three years of back and forth and two almost divorces, my mom finally pulled the plug and they filed for divorce. My dad refused to go to counseling, and my mom decided that since he wouldn't do the work to keep her, he would lose her. My mom went to stay at Nana's for 4 months, during which time me and my sister lived with Dad. We were both going to the community college, and working while we lived at home. Well my Mom had come back from Nana's in order to help me celebrate my 21st birthday. She ended up staying in AZ and not going back to Nana's. My parents decided to start dating each other I guess.... well Mom stayed in the house and they were working on their relationship. I found out two days ago that my Dad proposed to my Mom, and they are now engaged to be married. Apparently there is no date, and they are taking things slow. And while I know I should be happy that my parents are back together, and that I ended up with the fairy tale that some children of divorce wish for, I can't help but feel upset about it. And here's why: If they were just going to end up back together, then why did they divorce at all? I mean there were some terrible fights that took place not just between my parents but also between me and each of my parents too. Dad deeply hurt both me and my sister when he made some very poor choices concerning some of the women he was seeing, things like choosing to see her and her kids for thanksgiving instead of me and my sister and he was just across town. Also I ended up being the sole person that Mom felt she could talk to and that meant that I spent a good portion of my time listening to my mom cry and get upset about all the ways Dad was hurting her. Since they're now back together, I feel like there was all this hurt introduced into our family and for nothing.... I can't tell my Mom or Dad how I feel because through all of this one of the main problems has been them not respecting my feelings about much of this. Mainly about how mom ended up putting me in the middle and the fight that ensued when I told her that it was damaging my relationship with dad. There was also a very big fight that happened between my dad and I when Dad found out (After they were separated) that mom had introduced Me and Sister to her BF at the time. My relationship has been changed drastically by some of the events that happened during their divorce, and Mom and Dad just expect everything to go away now that they are back together in a more permanent fashion. I also don't feel like it's right of me to rain on their parade, so I congratulated them, and asked about the details. I don't know if I should talk to my parents about any of this. I've talked to FI and he's been very patient with talking me through my emotions and helping me figure out why I was upset in the first place. Anyway I'm extremely sorry that this was so long. I really just needed to get this out there, and I couldn't think of another way to do it. I'm completely open to listening to comments of all types. I fully understand that feeling this way about what is a happy event makes me immature and selfish. Thanks for listening (I guess reading).

I'm sorry. It sounds horrible. I have no thoughts on whether or not you should talk to your parents. Nor do I know if you should approach them. Honestly, I'd want to tell them: You damaged me and I still feel it. This is why there are professional therapists that have coping techniques, have insightful questions, and have better insights than I. I suggest you see one for even a few sessions.

chibiyui

First off. *hugs* Parents marital issues always suck. 

Secondly. Have a drink, and give it time. Your feelings are very valid, and this situation would throw most people off. Don't force yourself to do anything.

Sugargirl1019

Aw /hugs. I totally can see why you're not thrilled. It's awkward and you know things you shouldn't - we just wish our parents relationship would be cut and dry good or cut and dry done and over.

You're not a bad person for feeling what you feel. Idk if you should ever talk to mom or dad about these feelings, but I'm glad you're "sucking it up" and congratsing them on their renewed relationship.

falsara

IrishPirate60 said:

I remember long conversations with my mom when she griped about my stepdad. She'd ask my advice, go on and on. I was 12 when it started. I was 20 when they divorced. Still she kept me on as the confidant.

Finally I told her, "Look. I'm your KID. I don't have the life experiences. You never take my advice. Go find someone else to talk to about all this stuff."

Go spend some time with a counselor to hash all this stuff out. Your parents played the triangle game with you and it's not fair and is never a good idea. You and FI are a whole new relationship--and he'll have his own dealings with your parents. Better that they be clean dealings rather than seen through your experiences.

Best wishes.

I guess the good thing is that FI was a friend before we got together, and he was over at the house a lot.  So he had met them before they blew up. 

JCbride2015

I'm so sorry, this sounds so tough to go through.  I'm glad your parents are back together, but I would want to talk to them too.  They can't expect all your problems to evaporate now that they're back together.  Tread carefully though, because you don't want to rain on their parade.

Our mothers sound very similar.  I was 11 when my parents separated and my mom used me as her confidant ever since.  She still does it.  Even right after Hurricane Sandy when I was displaced, I called her from my temporary dorm room and she spent the entire call complaining about her boyfriend at the time.  I love her but she's very self-centered and has never really understood that I'm her kid, not her friend.  It sucks.

falsara

JCbride2015 said:

I'm so sorry, this sounds so tough to go through.  I'm glad your parents are back together, but I would want to talk to them too.  They can't expect all your problems to evaporate now that they're back together.  Tread carefully though, because you don't want to rain on their parade.

Our mothers sound very similar.  I was 11 when my parents separated and my mom used me as her confidant ever since.  She still does it.  Even right after Hurricane Sandy when I was displaced, I called her from my temporary dorm room and she spent the entire call complaining about her boyfriend at the time.  I love her but she's very self-centered and has never really understood that I'm her kid, not her friend.  It sucks.

Ironically when I was growing up moms favorite saying was "I'm your mom, not your friend."  When I graduated HS/ Turned 18 (same day), I think my mom pushed a magic button and became friend, because then she was all for talking about what was going on with my BFs and everything. 

I guess one of the things I'm grateful for, is that because I was being mom's friend, my sister got to just be herself.  She never wanted to talk to anyone about what was going on, but I'm glad that my mom, used me (who was a pseudo-adult) rather than my teen sister.

lc07

I'm sorry you've gone through such a roller coaster. One of the things I've learned while going through a divorce is that things just aren't as black and white as we would like them to be. I would like nothing more than my H and I to be able to work this out. But right now, at least, we can't. So we have to split. And we need to divorce. 

Your parents feelings are theirs to feel and it's acceptable that they are reconciling. Your feelings are your own to feel and are valid, too.

JCbride2015

cwradford said:

JCbride2015 said:

I'm so sorry, this sounds so tough to go through.  I'm glad your parents are back together, but I would want to talk to them too.  They can't expect all your problems to evaporate now that they're back together.  Tread carefully though, because you don't want to rain on their parade.

Our mothers sound very similar.  I was 11 when my parents separated and my mom used me as her confidant ever since.  She still does it.  Even right after Hurricane Sandy when I was displaced, I called her from my temporary dorm room and she spent the entire call complaining about her boyfriend at the time.  I love her but she's very self-centered and has never really understood that I'm her kid, not her friend.  It sucks.

Ironically when I was growing up moms favorite saying was "I'm your mom, not your friend."  When I graduated HS/ Turned 18 (same day), I think my mom pushed a magic button and became friend, because then she was all for talking about what was going on with my BFs and everything. 

I guess one of the things I'm grateful for, is that because I was being mom's friend, my sister got to just be herself.  She never wanted to talk to anyone about what was going on, but I'm glad that my mom, used me (who was a pseudo-adult) rather than my teen sister.

Are we the same person?  I feel the same way about my little sister.  She and my dad had a few very rough years after I left the house, but I was always thankful the initial brunt of oversharing didn't fall on her.  She was 8 at the time.

falsara

JCbride2015 said:

cwradford said:

JCbride2015 said:

I'm so sorry, this sounds so tough to go through.  I'm glad your parents are back together, but I would want to talk to them too.  They can't expect all your problems to evaporate now that they're back together.  Tread carefully though, because you don't want to rain on their parade.

Our mothers sound very similar.  I was 11 when my parents separated and my mom used me as her confidant ever since.  She still does it.  Even right after Hurricane Sandy when I was displaced, I called her from my temporary dorm room and she spent the entire call complaining about her boyfriend at the time.  I love her but she's very self-centered and has never really understood that I'm her kid, not her friend.  It sucks.

Ironically when I was growing up moms favorite saying was "I'm your mom, not your friend."  When I graduated HS/ Turned 18 (same day), I think my mom pushed a magic button and became friend, because then she was all for talking about what was going on with my BFs and everything. 

I guess one of the things I'm grateful for, is that because I was being mom's friend, my sister got to just be herself.  She never wanted to talk to anyone about what was going on, but I'm glad that my mom, used me (who was a pseudo-adult) rather than my teen sister.

Are we the same person?  I feel the same way about my little sister.  She and my dad had a few very rough years after I left the house, but I was always thankful the initial brunt of oversharing didn't fall on her.  She was 8 at the time.

I think that most Big Sisters just want our little sisters to not have to worry about real life until they are all grown up.  I still worry about her, even though she is twenty and lives across the country.  But now I only give advice if asked, and I don't judge or comment on her life choices. She is (technically) and adult.
ETF: spelling is hard.

mrscaty

You have every right to feel the way you do. Your parents should not have put you in he middle of everything. That wasn't fair. However, sometimes you do need to fall apart to come together. That's ok, too. Unfortunately, here it seems there is a lot of collateral damage with the way you and your sister were treated. I would suggest a counselor if you feel like you can't talk to your parents, because it's something you will have to work through to have a good relationship with them (if that'd what you want).

I understand where you're coming from, too. My mom used me as her confidante when my step dad cheated on her. I was 13. She then went through 9 more years of marriage, swinging wildly from "I hate him" to "I'll make it work". It was really hard on me. She's left him for good now, but it definitely changed how I interact with her, because I resent how she made me grow up so quickly.

falsara

You ladies are absolutely wonderful. Thank you for all your kind words and for sharing your stories and insights.

I think right now I'm just going to leave things as they are. It only happens a few days ago and I think once I've had more time to process things I'll be better. If it still bothers me in a few weeks thend I will go see the counseling center at the university.

smalfrie19

I totally get it. My mom and step dad are going through a divorce this year and my mom for the last two years has used both me and my sister as confidants and its annoying as shit because she has been running around on him and we don't agree with it and we don't like these guys and she just acts like everything is fine and dandy. 

She treated my sister like a friend and now doesn't want her around so she can "be alone" and not have my sister take advantage of her (BG my sister had my nephew at 16 and my parents did a lot to support them both so she could finish school and go to college). 

hellosweetie1015

My parents are the same way. I'm confidante for both sides (although it spills over to my youngest sister a lot too) and it sucks. I can't say that though, obviously, because every time I do, the one I say it to gets hurt feelings because "nobody else is on their side". 

I don't need to be on either one of your sides. I'm NOT on either one of your sides. I think you're both being petty and stupid at this point, and wish you'd both quit going through the motions and just file already, or either get thee to counseling and work out your issues. Either way, do it without putting me in this situation.

......

There is no "should" in this situation. You "should" feel exactly as you do - if that's happy for them, then that's fine; if that's not happy, then that's fine too. Let them feel happy, because they're allowed to, but you're just as allowed to feel - is frustrated a good word? I mean, you said you were upset, but it comes off frustrated and hurt. And those are certainly valid feelings.

I have no real input as to if you should tell them, though. I probably wouldn't - but that comes from my knowledge of my parents. You'll have to decide based on your knowledge of your parents.

Hugs, and I hope it works out well for you and your parents.

wandajune6

I have no relevant experience to share but can offer internet hugs!

Take your time in responding. They're in no hurry so you don't need to be either.

falsara

@CaitTDid23‌ frustrated is a really good word. Sometimes the words for feelings never feel like they explain accurately. Which is probably why I never thought of frustrated. Lol.

hellosweetie1015

cwradford said:

@CaitTDid23‌ frustrated is a really good word. Sometimes the words for feelings never feel like they explain accurately. Which is probably why I never thought of frustrated. Lol.

Lord, do I ever get that. Feeling-words suck. 

Come vent to us, vent to your FI (especially if he knew them then and now), and hold off on discussing it with them. If you feel like an opportunity arises, and you feel like taking it, then I'd do so, but everyone's feelings are valid, and frustration is one I'd expect, because I know that's how I would feel in your situation. They did this once, and decided it didn't work. Why do it again? But they're happy, and right now that's important to them, so I wouldn't rock the boat.