I just can't with this man...

finallyhismrs

I don't know how I am supposed to be planning a wedding trying to consult with a person who never wants to talk about it, can't make a decision, doesn't want to discuss budget, gets frustrated when I mention anything wedding and who's number one answer is always I DON'T KNOW! 

Looks like I'll just plan the whole thing alone, decide on the budget alone, ring styles alone and just tell him when and where to show up! 

AddieCake

Have you tried telling him you'd like him to help a little more? Does he want to get married? Why does he get frustrated at the mention of it? Would he prefer eloping or a courthouse wedding as opposed to a larger affair that involves more planning?

Ndelible

Oh, he'll have opinions eventually.  Present him with choices.  That's what I do with FH.  He doesn't care about most of it.  But there is stuff that he def prefers.  He just doesn't know it.

finallyhismrs

AddieCake said:

Have you tried telling him you'd like him to help a little more? Does he want to get married? Why does he get frustrated at the mention of it? Would he prefer eloping or a courthouse wedding as opposed to a larger affair that involves more planning?

He does want to get married. He gets frustrated about things that need an actual decision being made. He is super indecisive! 

decembergrl2014

I've been going through this too. Most men are not into wedding planning. Their brains are just wired differently then ours. I ordered some invitation samples recently. I decided on my own which samples I was interested in. When they came in, he and I looked at them together. Since it was only a few, he didn't get overwhelmed. He liked one and I liked another, but then we found one that was in the middle and decided on that one. I don't know how far you are into your planning, but maybe if you just show him a few of something, he may be more receptive. Good luck!

finallyhismrs

Ndelible said:

Oh, he'll have opinions eventually.  Present him with choices.  That's what I do with FH.  He doesn't care about most of it.  But there is stuff that he def prefers.  He just doesn't know it.

I wonder if he thinks I am jumping the gun since our wedding isn't until 10/2015. But I know venues book out fairly quickly and I don't want to miss our date at the place we want! Now that I think about it I really wonder if that's why he is so irritable lately. He just doesn't realize how much planning a wedding takes, especially since we are not hiring a planner!

AddieCake

My husband cared about 2 things: the cake flavor and that we were using Star Wars for our recessional. Everything else, I just sort of ran by him. If he had an opinion, he gave it. If not, I just made the decision myself.

LadyMillil

DH didn't realize that you need to book a lot of stuff so far out. I found a couple different wedding planning timelines and showed them to him and that helped him realize that it isn't odd to book the venue about a year out. He would sort of zone out and say "whatever you want" when I did things like read him the whole appetizer list, but if I said "I like either Caesar salad or French onion soup for the appetizer" he would tell me what he thought on those choices, so narrowing things down to 3-4 options might help. I didn't want a big wedding (I wanted to elope) so there was no way in hell I was going to plan the whole thing myself because I'm a girl and girls like that *rolls eyes* so I used wedding checklists to make a list of everything that needed to be done and DH picked about half the things on the list that he cared about (music, food) or was willing to do (invites, favours).

missdelilah

FI doesn't care much about the planning.  He cares about the color scheme, the cake, and what song we have our first dance to.  That's pretty much it.  Everything else I'm doing by myself.  I'm sorry, I know it sucks.  Perhaps he's just frustrated because he's disinterested and overwhelmed.  I think a lot of men are raised to believe that the wedding is about what their FIs want, and not to expect to have much input in to it.  I'm sorry; I know how annoying this is for you.

RebeccaFlower

I remember sitting now H down and asking what he wanted an opinion on and what was important to him and what he didn't care about. I would still ask his opinion once I narrowed things down to 2-3 This made life so much easier. I also knew I had about ten good minutes with H before we had to change the subject. It sounds like you just need to find some coping tricks to make this easier for both of you. 

Ndelible

finallyhismrs said:

Ndelible said:

Oh, he'll have opinions eventually.  Present him with choices.  That's what I do with FH.  He doesn't care about most of it.  But there is stuff that he def prefers.  He just doesn't know it.

I wonder if he thinks I am jumping the gun since our wedding isn't until 10/2015. But I know venues book out fairly quickly and I don't want to miss our date at the place we want! Now that I think about it I really wonder if that's why he is so irritable lately. He just doesn't realize how much planning a wedding takes, especially since we are not hiring a planner!

Yeah, he probably thinks it's too soon.  They don't have any clue on how much it takes or how fast things book up.  Just smile and nod.

wrigleyville

RebeccaFlower said:

I remember sitting now H down and asking what he wanted an opinion on and what was important to him and what he didn't care about. I would still ask his opinion once I narrowed things down to 2-3 This made life so much easier. I also knew I had about ten good minutes with H before we had to change the subject. It sounds like you just need to find some coping tricks to make this easier for both of you. 

That is exactly what I did. I asked:

-How much you do you want to spend?

-What colors do you hate/love?

-What's on your "Want List" and "Oh, Hell No List"?

He told me he wanted lots of black, a small guest list, no formal reception (dancing, etc), a Vegas wedding, and chocolate cake. He also gave me his "comfortable" budget amount, which I added to my contribution to come up with the budget limit.

So, our colors were red/black, we invited 40 people, we got married in Vegas, we had our reception in a big hotel suite (so it was more like a casual party), and a bunch of our cupcakes were chocolate.

Everything else was up to me, but once I had it narrowed down, I presented the choices to him to see if he was "yay!", "meh", or "hell no". I could usually tell by looking at his face, and it never took more than 30 seconds.

Some people just aren't planners, or they don't really care, which doesn't mean they feel negatively about it. H simply didn't really care about all of the minutae; he just wanted to marry me. Everything else was details. When I told him we could do a bright pink Disney wedding, that's when he coughed up his preferences.

finallyhismrs

wrigleyville said:

RebeccaFlower said:

I remember sitting now H down and asking what he wanted an opinion on and what was important to him and what he didn't care about. I would still ask his opinion once I narrowed things down to 2-3 This made life so much easier. I also knew I had about ten good minutes with H before we had to change the subject. It sounds like you just need to find some coping tricks to make this easier for both of you. 

That is exactly what I did. I asked:

-How much you do you want to spend?

-What colors do you hate/love?

-What's on your "Want List" and "Oh, Hell No List"?

He told me he wanted lots of black, a small guest list, no formal reception (dancing, etc), a Vegas wedding, and chocolate cake. He also gave me his "comfortable" budget amount, which I added to my contribution to come up with the budget limit.

So, our colors were red/black, we invited 40 people, we got married in Vegas, we had our reception in a big hotel suite (so it was more like a casual party), and a bunch of our cupcakes were chocolate.

Everything else was up to me, but once I had it narrowed down, I presented the choices to him to see if he was "yay!", "meh", or "hell no". I could usually tell by looking at his face, and it never took more than 30 seconds.

Some people just aren't planners, or they don't really care, which doesn't mean they feel negatively about it. H simply didn't really care about all of the minutae; he just wanted to marry me. Everything else was details. When I told him we could do a bright pink Disney wedding, that's when he coughed up his preferences.

I might have to scare him with that disney wedding idea LOL!! 

Ndelible

FH doesn't care much for the details, but he does thank me for doing it all.  I find that very nice.

STARMOON44

decembergrl2014 said:

I've been going through this too. Most men are not into wedding planning. Their brains are just wired differently then ours.

I ordered some invitation samples recently. I decided on my own which samples I was interested in. When they came in, he and I looked at them together. Since it was only a few, he didn't get overwhelmed. He liked one and I liked another, but then we found one that was in the middle and decided on that one.

I don't know how far you are into your planning, but maybe if you just show him a few of something, he may be more receptive. Good luck!

Bullshit. Many men are socialized to think they are entitled to not help plan their weddings and swoop in at the last minute with crazy requests and final demands. Nothing to do with brain wiring.

OP life has lots of decisions to make and planning to be done. I'd be very careful agreeing to marry someone who doesn't understand that he's actually expected to do the work of being a grown up. It's one thing if he genuinely doesn't care but is supportive of your decisions and grateful for your hard work, but that's not what your post sounded like.