Moms and Maids

Mothers Causing Problems [vent]

jellybeannjellybeann member
Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
edited September 2014 in Moms and Maids
Before I start, I want to say that I am extremely grateful to both my mom and FMIL (and dad and FFIL but they are basically not involved in this) because they are both contributing extremely generous amounts of money to FI and I for our wedding. I know that they get a say in the guest list, but I don't know where to draw the line here.

FMIL is Korean, and the community in my city is pretty large and very close-knit. So FMIL has her list of people she wants to invite. Totally fine with it. However, trying to get names and addresses and just a general number has been like pulling teeth. First it was 10, then it was 20 - and now I finally got the list with names (like 2 weeks before I am trying to send out invitations). And there are 28 people on there. *headdesk* I have a freakout because that puts us over the number we had budgeted for (not over venue capacity, though), and FI says "it's ok, 3/4 of them are definitely not coming." ARGH THEN WHY ARE WE SENDING THEM INVITATIONS? Apparently because it's a courtesy and FMIL doesn't want to slight/offend anyone. 

Then my mom, who I've talked to multiple times about having the guestlist finalized, keeps adding people. Her most recent additions are my uncle's second wife's adult children - I have not seen these people for probably a decade and could count on one hand how many times I've actually seen them. When we were first putting the guestlist together, she said we were not going to invite them. I have no idea what changed. She already invited one guy's wife to my shower, so I am stuck. This is also adding to the surplus of people over our outlined budget. Luckily we have reached the point where we literally have no more invitations so I guess no one else can be added. 

I am just so frustrated because I know that whoever pays has a say, but this is getting ridiculous. FI and I cut friends and coworkers from our initial guestlist to stay under budget while keeping parents' friends, so I don't know what to do if we end up over our budget. =/ Argh I cannot wait until this is over. 

Edit: Argh TK ate my paragraphs

Re: Mothers Causing Problems [vent]

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited September 2014
    Just have your FI say to his mother, "If we haven't received mailing addresses for your guests by X date, then regardless of whether or not you think they should be invited, we cannot invite them and they will not be invited.  Nor do we have the money for postage to send invitations to people as a courtesy if they will not be coming." As for your mother, tell her that from now on the guest list for everything related to your wedding is closed because there is no more room for any additional guests, and that you and your FI cut people you wanted to invite to make room for all the people she wanted to invite. If they balk, I think you and your FI will have to cancel your plans and pay for everything yourselves.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Have you pointed out to both your Mother and your FMIL that adding these additional people last minute will make  you go over the budget that you all agreed upon?  Are they willing to cover these additional people?

    If they are willing to cover the costs of these additional people (not make you and your FI cover it) then there isn't much that you can do since it is "who pays gets a say."

    You need to have a conversation with your Mom (and your FI with his) and say "If we invite these extra people then we will be X over our agreed upon budget.  Is this okay?"

  • "Mom/FMIL - adding these additional guests puts us over budget. We do not have the money to invite these people. If you want to invite them, it would cost $XXX per person. Please let me know by (date) if you want to invite them. If so, we would need a check by (date). Otherwise, we will not be able to send them invitations. Also, if you want these people to receive invitations, we need addresses by (date)."

    Sure they've given you money. Unless I'm missing something, that money was based on XXX guest count. So obviously adding extra guests = extra cost that they need to pay for if they want to invite these extra people.

  • I know this is a little late, but you might want to get a handle on this sooner than later by having FI talk to his mom about it, or by planning for a large wedding from the get-go. 

    The exact same thing happened to my brother when he got married. Bride and Groom wanted a smaller, more intimate wedding. The MOB invited.....

    200 friends, friends of friends, and people who "wouldn't come anyway". 

    There were 400 people invited in all. From what I heard, 500 showed up. Bride and Groom were overwhelmed and food ran out halfway through the buffet line. They're still happily married, and they have no regrets, but I'm sure they could have done without that additional stress.
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