Dear Prudence,
In 2005 I got herpes. In my first relationship following this distressing event, I couldn’t muster the courage to tell my boyfriend until a month into our relationship (after we had sex) and he was exceedingly angry. Although we went on to have a three-year relationship where herpes ceased to matter (he never got it), I still feel some guilt about not telling him. In my next serious relationship I was totally upfront, and it didn’t impact the relationship at all, and he, too, didn’t get it. But despite this, I still have trouble telling a potential partner. I know that quite a few people have herpes, but whenever I contemplate telling someone I fear the stigma and the possible rejection. The obvious solution seems to be not to have sex until I’m comfortable enough with a partner to share this piece of information. The only problem is that inevitably sex comes up long before I’ve reached the level of intimacy where I can get this out. I never have sex without condoms, I take Valtrex preventatively when there is a possibility of sex and I am vigilant about paying attention to possible signs of an outbreak. Given this, I’ve decided that I will tell partners when the herpes interferes with our sex life—i.e. whenever I am concerned that I might have an outbreak and I have to curtail physical activities. I’ve discussed this with close friends and most think it’s fair. What do you think?