Wedding Etiquette Forum

mothers at a bachelorette party???

marie2785marie2785 member
100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
edited October 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So, apparently my SIL invited her mom and some aunts to her bachelorette party (a weekend at a nice resort in SoCal). Now it's time for my wedding, and I mentioned to my mom my friends and I were thinking about renting a cabin in the woods or on a beach for a long weekend. She informed me she and many of my aunts plan to come to my bachelorette party. Since SIL invited her mom and aunts, there is "no way" I can have mine without her being there. 

Um...is this normal?!? 2 of my bridesmaids have said NO WAY and 1 indicated they would not attend if "adults" were present. They felt they couldn't relax or have fun if they need to worry about my mom or aunts being around. And we DEFINITELY couldn't talk about the men currently or formerly in our lives (like many other groups of females, our conversations get explicit sometimes when we're hanging out sharing wine). I also rarely see 2 of my bridesmaids, so I really want a weekend where we can spend time together and relax without any added stress.

Thoughts? Did any of you have your mothers at your bachelorette party, or attended any where the bride's mother or aunts were present? If so, how'd it go?

Re: mothers at a bachelorette party???

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    So your Mom is inviting herself and your Aunts to your bach party?  Yeah, that is not cool.

    It is up to you, as the bride, to decide who you want to attend your bach party.  And just because your SIL invited her Mom and Aunts to go to her bach party does not mean you have to follow suit.

    Really this is a bride to bride thing.  Some don't mind if their Mom attends their bach party.  My Mom was at mine because it wasn't a typical bach party.  My friend and I went down to my parents in FL and went to Universal Studios and then relaxed by the pool and had some drinks the rest of the weekend.  My Mom was present the entire time and I was fine with it.  But if I was with a group of girlfriends and we wanted to talk sex and all that jazz then no I would not want my Mom there.

    I think you need to just tell your Mom that you would prefer to do something with her and your Aunts at a later time and you just want to keep this weekend with your close friends.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    erinemm said:

    So, apparently my SIL invited her mom and some aunts to her bachelorette party (a weekend at a nice resort in SoCal). Now it's time for my wedding, and I mentioned to my mom my friends and I were thinking about renting a cabin in the woods or on a beach for a long weekend. She informed me she and many of my aunts plan to come to my bachelorette party. Since SIL invited her mom and aunts, there is "no way" I can have mine without her being there. 


    Um...is this normal?!? 2 of my bridesmaids have said NO WAY and 1 indicated they would not attend if "adults" were present. They felt they couldn't relax or have fun if they need to worry about my mom or aunts being around. And we DEFINITELY couldn't talk about the men currently or formerly in our lives (like many other groups of females, our conversations get explicit sometimes when we're hanging out sharing wine). I also rarely see 2 of my bridesmaids, so I really want a weekend where we can spend time together and relax without any added stress.

    Thoughts? Did any of you have your mothers at your bachelorette party, or attended any where the bride's mother or aunts were present? If so, how'd it go?
    I've been to a few where the mom was present. My mom came to mine (we did a painting class and dinner). You don't have to invite your mom or your aunts, though.
  • I love you, mom, but no, you and my aunts will not be coming to the cabin for bachelorette weekend.  Maybe we can have Bridal Tea the weekend before the weekend away with all the aunts, but the cabin thing is only for me and my girls.
    rsbloomPrettyGirlLostweddingcactus
  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Like any other event, it's rude for people to invite themselves or assume that they will be invited. I think it's fine to tell her that you were planning for just you and the BMs. She should understand.
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  • I had my mom and some of my aunts for a portion of it...the part the day after where my sister booked us space at a BYOB and painting lesson place (everyone paints their own version of a classic painting). But the penis-necklace, bar-hopping festivities the night before were just my bridal party, college friends, and cousins over 21. My sister and bridesmaids wanted to do something where people could choose which events they wanted to attend and it worked out really well. Everyone over 21 was invited to everything (my shower was earlier that day so some of my aunts and cousins drove in earlier for that) but it worked out that only the younger ones wanted to go out for the evening festivities.
  • NowIamMrsKleinNowIamMrsKlein Cold Canadian North (British Columbia) member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Most bachelorette I've been too the mom is there, but i can understand why some people wouldnt be comfortable with it.

    My mum came to the bar for my little sister's bachelorette and had a blast. My sister is young and still very much drunken party girl stage and she had no problem with our mum being there, and it was really nice for my mum to get to come out. And she had a blast as she had never been in a limo before and she was getting hit on by a lot of young guys at the bar which made her feel pretty good about herself.

    My mum however is what you would call a 'cool mom'. Her and my dad are basically surrogate parents to all our friends and have been invited to more that one of my siblings friends weddings so that may make a difference with everyone being comfortable with her there.
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    [Deleted User]
  • Bachelorette parties were not done in 1976.  Damn, I wish I could have gone to daughter's, though!  She went to a drag queen strip club.  I'd have loved to have been there!  At 6' tall, she passed for one of them until somebody outed her.  She said they were super nice to her.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    Aray82
  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2014
    It depends if it's a fun wine tour and dinner and after party, or if it's a black out smack out club party. Mothers are okay for one, and not okay for the other. 

    Personally, I don't want to do the club thing. I'm over hardcore partying. I would love my mom to go! But my sister is planning it so who knows. 
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    What does SIL and her Mom and aunts at her bachelorette have to do with your Mom and Aunts at your B party. I'm assuming none of these people are the same, no? 
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  • My mom wants no part of my bachelorette party and I don't want her having any part of it. My best friend who recently celebrated her 10 year anniversary had 2 bachelorette type parties when she got married. There was one with just the girlfriends and her mom had one at her house. The one with the mom's and aunts was lingerie gifts and dirty games. Not going to lie...it was weird.
  • My mom is dying to go to mine for some reason... but is being somewhat reasonable (she doesn't expect to be present the entire time).  She's cool, won't be a fun-sponge and I love her to death, so I'm not really freaking out about it.  She is ok with just coming to dinner with everyone and then she'll head home while the party continues.  Maybe you can compromise by just having her join part of it?  Like, the tame part??


  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Mine did not.  I would not have liked having my mom or his mom there.  I do have two aunts who I wouldn't have minded, but did not invite either. (Not around, probably wouldn't have even if they were in town)

    I have been at a bachelorette party where not only mothers of both bride and groom were there, but also grandmothers of the groom.  It was fine and it was fun.  I didn't think about it too much, and it was pretty cool. I probably didn't talk as freely around them as I would have without them there.

    bnwright0721
  • falsarafalsara Northside of Chicago member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer

     Its not cool for your mom and aunts to just invite themselves.  You can totally say  "I love Ya'll but I don't really want you to be there."

     This really depends on what kind of person your mom is though.  I have a really awesome mom, who would be totally down with all kinds of Bachelorette awesomeness, including a bar crawl that involved strippers.  For some though this isn't the case.  If you would be comfortable with your mom being there you can totally invite her.

                                               

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    ohannabelle
  • Moms and aunts at a Bach party is so weird to me! A cruise I went on had several Bach parties on board and one included the older relatives. It was so gross to see them all sipping drinks out of penis straws! I would die if I saw my mom or my mom saw me drinking from one of those!

    If you don't want them there suggest a dinner together some other night, or something along those lines.
  • You can't invite yourself to a party. When mom and aunts don't get their invitations they will figure it out. If you want to avoid hurt feelings, have a separate day to do things with them. My bach party was 21+ but not enough pluses to included mom and aunts. I did a spa day the day before the wedding for mom, aunts, and the underage BMs and made no mention of the party they were not invited to.
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  • If it were me I would let my mom and aunts show up, be as raunchy as all get-out, and see how long it takes until they excuse themselves... :P.

    But in all seriousness, just tell your mom you want time to catch up with your old friends and that you'll do something else with her and aunts.  Have two bachelorette parties, or if that's too much for her to handle, don't call the cabin trip a bachelorette at all- it's just a label, after all, if that's what means so much to her.

    Seriously though don't let her know the details of the weekend with your girls (if you haven't already) so she doesn't feel tempted to crash.  If she doesn't feel rude about inviting herself she probably wouldn't feel rude about just showing up even if she knows she's not welcome, so I wouldn't risk it.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    You're not required to invite your mom or aunts.

    I would tell your mom, "Mom, I love you and Aunts, and we can do another party that does include you and Aunts, but my bachelorette party is for me and my friends.  I'm sorry, but you and Aunts are not invited."
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    erinemm said:
    So, apparently my SIL invited her mom and some aunts to her bachelorette party (a weekend at a nice resort in SoCal). Now it's time for my wedding, and I mentioned to my mom my friends and I were thinking about renting a cabin in the woods or on a beach for a long weekend. She informed me she and many of my aunts plan to come to my bachelorette party. Since SIL invited her mom and aunts, there is "no way" I can have mine without her being there. 

    Um...is this normal?!? 2 of my bridesmaids have said NO WAY and 1 indicated they would not attend if "adults" were present. They felt they couldn't relax or have fun if they need to worry about my mom or aunts being around. And we DEFINITELY couldn't talk about the men currently or formerly in our lives (like many other groups of females, our conversations get explicit sometimes when we're hanging out sharing wine). I also rarely see 2 of my bridesmaids, so I really want a weekend where we can spend time together and relax without any added stress.

    Thoughts? Did any of you have your mothers at your bachelorette party, or attended any where the bride's mother or aunts were present? If so, how'd it go?
    There is nothing wrong with moms/aunts attending if you want them to. But them inviting themselves was rude.

    But can we talk about the bolded please? What the hell? What kind of rude ass friend says something like this?
    biggrouchbeharringtonhellohkbohannabelle
  • marie2785marie2785 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    Ashley8918--agreed. I was a little ticked by that too. By the end of the day Friday I was feeling beat up on all sides about this. I think my main concern is my mom and aunts are AWESOME, but they don't drink, and in fact some have struggled with substance abuse. Having them on a 3 day trip with lots of alcohol would be rough, and I'd feel weird excluding them from nighttime activities. They're also trying to change the plans already. My MOH and I planned to do my bachelorette locally here in Virginia. It allows the 1 bridesmaid who is traveling for the wedding to not travel for the bachelorette party, but it does require the two other bridesmaids to travel. Since those two don't need to travel or get a hotel for the wedding, I thought that was fair. My mom is pushing for a bachelorette party in the same state as the wedding, which is just really expensive for the two of us in Virginia. I already out my foot down on this one though, so hopefully the whining ends. What I may propose though is an all day spa-day or something like that for when I go home for the bridal shower. I think that'll be wayyyy more up my mom and aunt's alley than a 3 day hiking/fishing trip.
  • I had a bachelorette weekend (virtually all of my friends are out of town, so we went away for a weekend). We drank, we sang karaoke, we danced. It was super fun, but not something I would have wanted my mom or aunts at. I really wanted a weekend with just my closest friends.

    But I'm doing something else with my mom, aunts, and cousins. I have no idea what...it's coming up this weekend! They're all really cool and fun and can party with the best of them, so it may even be "wilder" than my friend weekend in some ways, but really it will just be different. 
  • melbensomelbenso Hoth, apparently member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    My mom came out to dinner with us for my bachelorette, and then skipped the rest of the evening (she was invited to all of it by my best friend - who checked with me first).  If my bachelorette had been a weekend away with the girls, I doubt she would have come.  And she certainly wouldn't have invited herself.

    Maybe have a bridal tea or dinner with your mom and aunts instead?
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  • beharringtonbeharrington member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    Agree with PPs that it was rude of your mom to insist that she would be attending.  However....

    My mom, aunt, and second mom-type person all attend my bachelorette at a piano bar, during which many many drinks were consumed and we had a blast.  It completely depends on you and your relationship with your mom and aunts as to whether or not you want to invite them.  I cannot imagine not having invited my mom - she's my best friend and we always have fun together, regardless of the occasion.

    My dad attended both my brother and my DH's bachelor parties (and yes, there were strippers).  DH's friends thought it was weird at first, but then got over it when they realized Dad is awesome.  

    Last thing I will say is that IF you do want your mom there, do not let your friends tell you that she can't come.
    Anniversary
  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear Arkham Asylum member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    Not weird to invite them, but weird as all hell for them to invite themselves, and weird for them to come if you don't want them there.

    Honestly, in your shoes I'd just say "Sure mom, you can come, hope you like getting shitfaced on tequila and watching three male strippers grind all over each other.  I paid extra for a SPECIAL show...  Bring lots of money for tips."  Even if those aren't the plans, just because I'd want them to have that moment of "Oh, maybe some people don't want their fucking mom at their fucking bachelorette party because it's not very family friendly fun" and drop it.  

    Again, if the party is low-key and you WANT family members there, that's fine.  But if you don't want to get wasted in front of your mom, that's also fine.  
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    [Deleted User]
  • To be honest, that one bridesmaid who doesn't want "adults" there sounds very immature.

    As for myself, I have no idea what the plans are for my bachelorette (if I'm having one) are yet because I only just asked my bridal party to be so. However, knowing my best friend, there will be lots of drinking, strippers and all that stuff, and he will probably invite my mum, FMIL, my aunts and my underage sister. Personally, me (and most of my friends) would be 100% okay with that, because my mum and FMIL are both awesome, and both good fun.

    If you're not comfortable with them there though, that's fine too. Just tell your mum & aunts. And maybe go to a spa or something with them on another day. What is not okay, is that they invited themselves to your bach.
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  • Normal in my area too for mom's and aunts to  come to dinner and out for a few drinks... think it also depends on what you are doing. If they would be comfortable or not. I am not a bar person so not sure what we will do for mine. Maybe a nice dinner.
  • I think it depends on your relationship with your mother, what her interests are & what the plans for the party is. I have know some dad's to be invited to a portion of the bachlor party, like when they start off with golf, then dinner & then dad's & uncles go their own way while the guys go bar hopping & to strip joints. And if it's a calm relaxing weekend or say some spa time, I don't see the issue of inviting moms & aunts, but if it's a night out on the town where lots of drinking is going to be going on, I probably wouldn't want to invite mine, but that's just me.
  • .
    erinemm said:
    So, apparently my SIL invited her mom and some aunts to her bachelorette party (a weekend at a nice resort in SoCal). Now it's time for my wedding, and I mentioned to my mom my friends and I were thinking about renting a cabin in the woods or on a beach for a long weekend. She informed me she and many of my aunts plan to come to my bachelorette party. Since SIL invited her mom and aunts, there is "no way" I can have mine without her being there. 

    Um...is this normal?!? 2 of my bridesmaids have said NO WAY and 1 indicated they would not attend if "adults" were present. They felt they couldn't relax or have fun if they need to worry about my mom or aunts being around. And we DEFINITELY couldn't talk about the men currently or formerly in our lives (like many other groups of females, our conversations get explicit sometimes when we're hanging out sharing wine). I also rarely see 2 of my bridesmaids, so I really want a weekend where we can spend time together and relax without any added stress.

    Thoughts? Did any of you have your mothers at your bachelorette party, or attended any where the bride's mother or aunts were present? If so, how'd it go?
    There is nothing wrong with moms/aunts attending if you want them to. But them inviting themselves was rude.

    But can we talk about the bolded please? What the hell? What kind of rude ass friend says something like this?
    No kidding! It's not graceful of mom to invite herself, but your bridesmaid issuing an ultimatum is about 100 times worse. She sounds like a snotty 14 year old. 

    And yes, moms can be invited if you want and enjoy their company. 

     If I was offered a mother's "tea party" as an age appropriate alternative, (as one PP suggested) my ass would ache so hard I'd have to decline. I find that incredibly ageist and condescending.
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