Oregon

My family is taking over my wedding

My family is taking over my wedding and I don't know what to do! My mother has invited people I DO NOT LIKE to my wedding and refuses to un-invite them, then she told me I WAS NOT ALLOWED to invite other family members.

Meanwhile, my sister is acting like every one of her requests is a complete and total inconvenience for her. The latest tantrum was when asked her to choose a hotel room so I can reserve it for her before our guest started calling in the resort. This was too much work for her and she threatened to NOT COME to our wedding!!

Every step of the way has been nothing but inconvenient for them and wrong.

In the latest drama, my fiancée had to call and talk to them, because I was in tears!

I feel as though I need to cut my family out of my wedding planning and discussing details of my wedding with them. I have tried to talk to them but they are too stubborn. Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? What should I do? 

Re: My family is taking over my wedding

  • edited December 2011
    Who's paying?
  • edited December 2011
    Good Question: We are are paying for 100% of our wedding. My family is not helping financially.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_oregon_family-taking-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:119Discussion:6466fb21-472a-4119-9728-9cee69ff3d29Post:fe13bd37-0289-4f43-aa77-540c940fa033">Re: My family is taking over my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Good Question: We are are paying for 100% of our wedding. My family is not helping financially.
    Posted by [email protected][/QUOTE]

    In that case, I would put my foot down.  Explain to them that this day is a very important landmark in your life, and if they're going to make it this difficult for you to share something so wondeful with them, than you're sorry, but they're no longer welcome. 

    Explain to them that all you need is their support as a family.  First things first... Stop discussing details of the wedding with them.  Dont let your mom push you around.  If your sister is going to threaten you, I'd call her out on it and either make her choose her room, or follow through on her threat.  Or, make her book and pay for her own room.

    Before you do any of that though... You need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and prioritize it all.  Prioritize your guest list.  You have veto power.  Prioritize the big details, then work on the little ones...

    Once you get that finished... start telling your family to butt out.

    That's how I would deal with it, at least...
    Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Seuss
  • Megz63426Megz63426 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    What would I do? I would tell them that since this is obviously not "my" wedding that I'd hope they will have a good time.  Adding in how dare you ruin my special day that I will remember for the rest of my life.  But that's just me, I will call people out when they are in the wrong.  Thay can't push you over and control you.  Tell them that all their part is, in the wedding, is what you give them.  Uninvite who you want becuase it's not your familys wedding ITS YOURS! espessially since you guys are paying for it.  You should have the wedding of your dreams!

    Best of luck!
    Meg
    "It's not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away" Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • jess9802jess9802 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You do need to be firm but gentle with your mother. "Mom, I love you, but Fiance and I are hosting and paying for this wedding, and while we will consider your requests, the final decision on everything is ours. Please do not invite anyone to the wedding, as we will be making all decisions on the guest list." Do not engage her in discussion beyond this. If she starts to balk say, "It's not up for discussion. Please respect our wishes."

    Don't babysit your sister, either. Pass along the information she needs to know, and if she chooses not to play along, that's her loss. She can figure out her lodging on her own.

    And relax. It'll be okay.
  • edited December 2011
    My family is trying to do the same thing...mom & dad each paying $1k.  I finally put my foot down and said it's MY day (and grooms, lol) and they backed off.  Just sit them down & tell them you appreciate their feedback & opinions but it's your special day & you want to enjoy the planning process instead of dreading it!
    Boyd & Jen 9.17.10
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_oregon_family-taking-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:119Discussion:6466fb21-472a-4119-9728-9cee69ff3d29Post:fe13bd37-0289-4f43-aa77-540c940fa033">Re: My family is taking over my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Good Question: We are are paying for 100% of our wedding. My family is not helping financially.
    Posted by [email protected][/QUOTE]

    If you're paying, then you're in charge. Tell mom to stop, that she can't invite people, invite whomever YOU want and <strong><em>stop talking to her about it.

    </em></strong>Those who pay, decide.
  • DramaGeekDramaGeek member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Did she send invitations to the people she "invited"?  If not, then just don't send them an invite, problem solved.  Obviously there's going to be an argument, but take it as it comes.  If you're paying for it, then you decide who is invited and who isn't, and your mom can't tell you that you aren't allowed to invite people!

    It's obvious this has you extremely frustrated and angry, so yes, I absolutely think you need to stop discussing this with them.  Find other people who's opinions you value and trust if you need to bounce ideas of someone, or post them here, but it sounds like involving your family is just going to continue to bring you headaches.  I'm sorry they're being so difficult  :-(
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with everyone else .. just breathe. 

    The only two cents I would add in is this: Your mother sounds pretty excited about your wedding (even if she is criticizing, etc.) because why else would she be inviting everyone and their dog? I think a nice gentle discussion about how its your wedding and your paying for it is in order. Then if she balks and wants to add more guests -- tell her how much she'll be paying for the extra invites, the bar tab, the food, the seats and whatever else you will be having that SHE will have to give you money for BEFORE you invite them. That tends to wake them up out of the crazies when they learn exactly how much it is going to cost to add SueAnn her favorite grocery store cashier or Stacy her nice neighbor you have never met! Suddenly paying for someone - be it $25 per person or $200 per person - doesn't sound like such a fun idea.

    Good luck!
  • edited December 2011
    snarky_girl:

    I love this idea of telling her much SHE will be paying for each guest. But it also bring up another potential problem: what if she agrees to it!!!!!!!

    Knowing my mother, she would say YES and write me check right then and there.... now you're probably thinking so what... she's paying for them... but most of these people she is inviting, I STRONGLY DISLIKE. 

    Then what? How do I say YES to the neighbor I never met but NO to the b*tch of a friend of my sister?
  • edited December 2011
    Hopefully you picked a venue that has a maximum capacity.  If so, simply inform your mother that there is no more room.

    Aside from that, Beth's advice is spot on.  Stop talking to her about it, when the time comes don't send invitations to anyone that you don't want at the wedding, and the problem will be solved. 
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_oregon_family-taking-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:119Discussion:6466fb21-472a-4119-9728-9cee69ff3d29Post:0341f1dc-277b-4db0-80df-145999d90246">Re: My family is taking over my wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Did she send invitations to the people she "invited"?  If not, then just don't send them an invite, problem solved. </strong>
    Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

    <div>Good Advice, but how does not receiving an invite going to stop these people from coming?? My mother has blabbed out every information to these people; day, location, time, everything. Is not having an invite really going to stop them from coming? </div>
  • edited December 2011
    Most people are savvy enough to get the hint when an invitation doesn't show up in the mail.  Your wedding isn't for awhile, right?  If so, odds are they will have forgotten the specifics by then.

    If you're really worried about party crashers, have someone at the door checking off names as people arrive and do assigned seating.  At some point you're going to have to put your foot down and do the best you can to squash unwanted guests, but at the end of the day there's only so much you can control.
  • edited December 2011
    God ... I didn't think she'd actually whip out a check book. Wow - OK .. that won't work. I'm with mayfly on this. Send invites to who you want; tell her there is a maxiumum capacity; then post a bouncer. It's all you can do.
  • edited December 2011
    mayflymanitou

    U know you're right.. My wedding isn't for another 10mouth, people will forget by then. Plus I LOVE the idea the idea of assigned seating! I was originally just going to have sit where you want... but now that I am thinking about it.. it would be so awkward for people who weren't invited to NOT have a seat during the reception. This is BRILLIANT! 

    Thanks MAYFLY for this idea!


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