ILs and social media

JaxInBlue

This is both a vent and a plea for others' perspectives.  I just redid my Facebook friends list to keep my MIL from seeing every darn post.  Since she joined Facebook (less than a year ago), she's never missed an opportunity to post a comment on something related to her kids or their families.  I'm not loving it.  I'm torn though because I'm not posting crap - my own mother has an account so I definitely follow the "don't post what you don't want your grandma to see" rule - and because I know I shouldn't be bothered by this.  What I post is not earth-shattering, dramatic, or over-share-y enough to care.  So why do I?

DH's strategy to his mom's new-found social media presence has been to completely stop putting anything out there, and I'd love to do that too but would miss the interaction I do have with my family, especially my nieces, and a some really great but distant friends.  Any tips or thoughts for managing a new kind of boundary?  DH has already tried the "you don't need to comment on everything" approach after she posted some super embarrassing comments on one of her (teenage) grandkid's pictures.

ElcaB

I'd say post whatever you want & block her from seeing your posts. Easy. 

climbingsingle

My MIL shares everything I post on Facebook. Pictures, articles, everything - it all gets shared on her page. Honestly, I really don't post much anymore. My H tried to talk to her, but it didn't accomplish much. 

blabla89

I think putting her on restricted view is perfectly reasonable.

novella1186

My aunt was doing this to me and embarrassing me with her comments, so I deleted her. She tried to re-friend and I declined. I think she's forgotten about it because she hasn't ever mentioned it or tried again. Easy. 

If you're worried that deleting MIL will offend her, do what PPs have suggested. Restrict her view. You can make a special group and set up how much they can or can't see, and then add anyone-- including MIL-- to that group that you think doesn't need to know every little thing. 

JaxInBlue

Thanks all!  I appreciate the other perspectives.  I think the restricted list is all I'm going to do for right now, in addition to changing my posting behavior a bit.  It's far easier than de-friending her, which she would take personally and creates an issue where there isn't necessarily one, and gives me a little more control.

In this respect, I do recognize I need to grow a less irritable skin but it's baby steps. 

jaygeejay

I was having the same problem with my grandmother. She would share everything I posted. I just restricted her from seeing my posts. The good thing is that she probably hasn't noticed yet lol. 

birdybride2014

My family has an aunt who "Shares" literally everything we post. My cousin started getting pisssed because she didn't want pictures of her daughter "shared'. They literally got into a fight about it because my aunt and uncle said- "well, it's all on the internet don't post what you don't want people to see", so she unfriended them, then they got mad again. Oy vey.

My suggestion is to hide your posts from her if you don't want any drama. She may find out, she may not figure it out, she could say, "Oh someone said you posted something and I can't see it", but you can just play dumb. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Yeah definitely go with the restricted lists. Just restrict future posts and not past ones so all of a sudden your stuff doesn't appear and she won't be the wiser. I would also put other people in her "circle" in the same list, and ever so occasionally post something innocuous to everyone to throw her a bone.

JaxInBlue

lolo883 said:

Yeah definitely go with the restricted lists. Just restrict future posts and not past ones so all of a sudden your stuff doesn't appear and she won't be the wiser. I would also put other people in her "circle" in the same list, and ever so occasionally post something innocuous to everyone to throw her a bone.

This is a great point and I can definitely do this with some other, older relatives and distant relatives.

lacqueredlover

Just put her on a limited profile.

novella1186

lolo883 said:

Yeah definitely go with the restricted lists. Just restrict future posts and not past ones so all of a sudden your stuff doesn't appear and she won't be the wiser. I would also put other people in her "circle" in the same list, and ever so occasionally post something innocuous to everyone to throw her a bone.

You are a Facebook ninja! 

JaxInBlue

scribe95 said:

I guess I don't understand what she is doing that is wrong/annoying.

Is she making mean comments? I mean I want my friends and family to comment.

No, they aren't mean, which is part of my struggle.  They're just on everything.  Absolutely everything.  Right now, I feel like I can't post anything that might read as negative, or that might be more for my friends (along the lines of "Hey, people also interested in this - I found this cool!") without leaving myself open to her comments - which are not always relevant or cogent. 

I'm struggling with balance - I really don't mind the likes or comments on photos of our pets, or of DH and me, or even last weekend I posted pics at an Art Museum while I traveled, but I am wary of posting something else that might be seen as more controversial or inappropriate in her mind, and to me that's not comfortable or natural.  It's about balance, so I'm doing to be more diligent about groups and limiting posts.

ohannabelle

I'm not getting it, either.

"Since she joined Facebook (less than a year ago), she's never missed an opportunity to post a comment on something related to her kids or their families."

Is she saying offensive things? Or sharing pictures that you didn't want shared with strangers?

If she comments on pictures related to her kids or their families, what's the harm? I feel like I'm missing something.

vegasbride2015

I recently complained about the lack of communication with my daughter's band and shared a status from them about the stuff I was talking about, and my FFIL promptly went over to the thread and called them morons. Oy. FI said, "This is why my dad is banned from Facebook..." 

Lesson learned. My FMIL doesn't really post, but FFIL is a poster.

Sugargirl1019

My MIL comments, likes, shares EVERYTHING. Haha. I actually stopped posting exciting things because she would raise hell about my announcements - " going dress shopping this weekend, I can't wait!" = wrathful rage to DH about how I didn't invite her. Okay I was going to. Didn't get around to it in the 5 seconds there. Cool it. Also had issues announcing that we had booked our honeymoon, looked at a neighborhood to build a house in. She was angry and yelling at DH about me every time. I learned not to post because she took it personally like we were not including her in our lives.

Somehow she got a hold of a picture of DH and I dressed up for Halloween back in college, and my costume was not appropriate to be on FB. But she thought I was the cutest thing and posted it from her profile and tagged me in it as a throw back picture . Uggghhhh she didn't even ask permission to post it online. So I was annoyed about that.

She's gotten a lot more tolerable since we've been married. Maybe because there aren't so many things to post about regarding big decisions.

I think the restricted or limited access group with several of her friends is a good way to go.

lovesclimbing

I have a friend who comments on and likes every single thing, and I put her on a restricted list.

For those asking why that's a bad thing, IDK. There's just something that bugs me about people who do that. And it's kind of weird too. FB does not show everything to everybody, so does she go to my profile and track down every single post? It's just odd.

holyguacamole79

My MIL is deathly afraid of computers & technology.  I'm very thankful for that