Can we just be done with the fucking guilt trips already?

novella1186

I guess I just need to vent about my mom. Just have to start by saying that she and I actually have a good relationship. For the most part, she's a pretty awesome mom. (All my high school friends compare her to Kitty from That 70s Show and Martha Stewart without the jail thing). 

So my vent here is the fucking guilt trips. I can't take it anymore. Perfect example, because of this weird on-going fight with my sister, my mom says to me: ***heavy sigh*** "I just hope some day the two of you can become sisters again, and I hope I get to see that happen before I die." Like... are you fucking kidding me? You are not terminally ill or anything so let's relax a little. I replied, calmly, "Mom, sisters fight. This is normal. You need to stop worrying about it, it's going to be fine." 

Today I tell her I can't make it to a friend's bridal shower (which my mom is also invited to) but I sent a nice gift from her registry. The point was that a lot of the stuff on the registry is 50% off right now so hey mom, heads up, if you want to buy her a gift they're on sale! To which my mom replies "That's too bad that you can't make it... you've been a friend for so very many years." Ugh! I actually felt bad and starting re-configuring my plans in my mind to find a way to go to the shower, and then I was like "FUCK! She got me AGAIN!" I'm going to be out of town that weekend for other plans, and for the record I hate bridal showers anyway. I'm sending her a nice gift and a card with a heartfelt message written in it so she knows I support her and am happy for her. This girl and I were close in elementary and middle school. We hardly speak at all anymore, and I'm pretty sure my mom and I were only invited just so she could get more gifts but that's totally beside the point. 

Sometimes I try to call my mom out and say "The guilt trips aren't necessary." And she flips and acts all shocked and wounded that I could accuse her of such a thing and says "It was not a guilt trip!" Well... you're purposely trying to make me feel bad in order to manipulate me into doing the thing that you want me to do and you're dramatically lamenting... is that not the definition of a guilt trip? 

I mean she didn't let up on the thing about my sister till I felt so bad that I finally apologized to my sister... for her attacking me at my engagement party. And even then my sister still won't speak to me. Big mess. I guess the shower thing isn't the strongest example but it just frustrates me. I don't want to be made to feel bad because I made a decision that works best for me. I'm 28 fucking years old. I should be able to make choices and be left alone about it (as long as those choices don't involve illegal drugs or something. Ya know.) 

I know this is somewhat like the situation with my sister; I can't change the way she acts so I need to work on the way I react to it instead. And not engage. But for fuck's sake. Why, always with the guilt trips? Just why?  Does anyone else have a mother like this? How do you deal with her? 

Sugargirl1019

Eek, I'm sorry. My moms specialty is sighing, huffing and saying sorry I mentioned it, why do I even bother, . and makes you feel totally rude and inadequate so you try to chase her down to make up for what you did.

You can't change how your mom responds, so I would just be confident in your decision and when she says, "that's a shame you can't go, you've been friends for so many years", cone back sweetly with "yes but she'll understand I have responsibilities to my job now".

Or something to kindly defend your decision. Idk, maybe that might stir your mom up more. Wasn't intending to... Or was I? O.o

theartistformerlyknownas

Sounds exactly like my mom. My brother estranged himself from us over a year ago (long story) and she gives me the same crap about wanting her family back together before she dies. I started making snarky retorts right back like "well maybe you should quit smoking so that death doesn't come quite so soon." Try again, Mom.

l9i

My mom does the same exact thing.  I mean exact since my brother won't speak to me for something HE did to me and my mom makes me feel guilty that it's my fault.  She's pulled the "I just want a happy family together at Christmas."  "I hope you can siblings again before I die."  Yup, same thing.  I've learned to ignore it in which she stops bringing it up.

novella1186

That's actually a relief to hear that other moms do it just as bad as my mom! It's so effing frustrating! But then if I get mad at her for doing it, I feel bad for being mad at her! 

climbingsingle

My mother does this too! When I told her that H and I were going away for Christmas, she was really quiet. And then she said, "Grandma will be so sad you're not there. You know, we probably don't have many more holidays with her. She's already 92. I worry about that so much, how much time we have left with her. We've been so lucky to have her for all these years." 

FUCKING THANKS MOM! 

novella1186

ClimbingBrideNY said:

My mother does this too! When I told her that H and I were going away for Christmas, she was really quiet. And then she said, "Grandma will be so sad you're not there. You know, we probably don't have many more holidays with her. She's already 92. I worry about that so much, how much time we have left with her. We've been so lucky to have her for all these years." 

FUCKING THANKS MOM! 

My mom says stuff like that about my grandma all the time, and I actually see my grandma more than anyone else in the family! My sister hasn't been to my grandma's house in 3 or 4 years and I don't think my mom nags her about it, because she really wouldn't care. It's like the one who's most likely to feel bad is the one to get nagged the most. 

penguin44

Yep. My mom us like this too.

God forbid we go see DH's family for a holiday. My mom's parents aren't getting any younger. We need to see them at every possible moment...

l9i

My mom also does this thing where when we are together she talks about my brother non-stop as if I care.  If I wanted to hear about his life I'd be talking to him myself.  Finally one night I told her "I hope when you talk to brother you just constantly talk about me the whole time".  She gave me a weird look, but realized that she in fact doesn't.  At least since then I haven't had to deal with it anymore!

novella1186

penguin44 said:

Yep. My mom us like this too. God forbid we go see DH's family for a holiday. My mom's parents aren't getting any younger. We need to see them at every possible moment...

Funny story. FI's family knows by now how nuts my family is. I texted his mom to ask about Thanksgiving plans and told her that whichever day she wants to celebrate it on, FI and I will be there no matter what since my mom got us on Thanksgiving day two years in a row (so we had to celebrate with his family a day or two later, no big deal, but I just wanted his mom to know that she's important too). 

His mom replied with: "Doesn't matter much to me. I don't guilt-trip my kids into seeing me." As soon as I saw the text I just started cracking up. She is a straight-shooting, down-to-earth, awesome lady, and I am SO lucky she's my FMIL! 

climbingsingle

novella1186 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

My mother does this too! When I told her that H and I were going away for Christmas, she was really quiet. And then she said, "Grandma will be so sad you're not there. You know, we probably don't have many more holidays with her. She's already 92. I worry about that so much, how much time we have left with her. We've been so lucky to have her for all these years." 

FUCKING THANKS MOM! 

My mom says stuff like that about my grandma all the time, and I actually see my grandma more than anyone else in the family! My sister hasn't been to my grandma's house in 3 or 4 years and I don't think my mom nags her about it, because she really wouldn't care. It's like the one who's most likely to feel bad is the one to get nagged the most. 

Oh, me too. I live about 10 minutes from my Gma and I drive her to all the family get-togethers. Honestly, that's probably why my mom was annoyed I didn't want to go to Xmas. She'd have to rely on my not reliable brother to pick Gma up. 

novella1186

ClimbingBrideNY said:

novella1186 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

My mother does this too! When I told her that H and I were going away for Christmas, she was really quiet. And then she said, "Grandma will be so sad you're not there. You know, we probably don't have many more holidays with her. She's already 92. I worry about that so much, how much time we have left with her. We've been so lucky to have her for all these years." 

FUCKING THANKS MOM! 

My mom says stuff like that about my grandma all the time, and I actually see my grandma more than anyone else in the family! My sister hasn't been to my grandma's house in 3 or 4 years and I don't think my mom nags her about it, because she really wouldn't care. It's like the one who's most likely to feel bad is the one to get nagged the most. 

Oh, me too. I live about 10 minutes from my Gma and I drive her to all the family get-togethers. Honestly, that's probably why my mom was annoyed I didn't want to go to Xmas. She'd have to rely on my not reliable brother to pick Gma up. 

Oh man I feel like that just makes the guilt trip more annoying. Usually at Christmas there's a lot going on anyway so it's not like you get good one-on-one time with that person. If you seen her all the time and spend time with her and talk to her on a regular basis, then who cares about a stupid holiday! I just wanna stomp my foot like a toddler and go MOOOOOM! (whiney voice)

KatieinBkln

novella1186 said:

That's actually a relief to hear that other moms do it just as bad as my mom! It's so effing frustrating! But then if I get mad at her for doing it, I feel bad for being mad at her! 

It sounds like maybe you should call her less. And if she starts on about how you never call, end the conversation. Train her to understand that "guilt trip=Novella goes away." The price of a good/close relationship with you is good behavior from her.

It might suck, especially if you usually enjoy your mom and don't want to disappoint/hurt her (I mean, that's natural). But it's possible to train her, if not change her actual personality.

holyguacamole79

Check out this book (clicky).  It has helped me, and I have had a lot of the same issues.

novella1186

KatieinBkln said:

novella1186 said:

That's actually a relief to hear that other moms do it just as bad as my mom! It's so effing frustrating! But then if I get mad at her for doing it, I feel bad for being mad at her! 

It sounds like maybe you should call her less. And if she starts on about how you never call, end the conversation. Train her to understand that "guilt trip=Novella goes away." The price of a good/close relationship with you is good behavior from her.

It might suck, especially if you usually enjoy your mom and don't want to disappoint/hurt her (I mean, that's natural). But it's possible to train her, if not change her actual personality.

FI and I have joked about "training" my crazy sister with a spray bottle full of water. But yeah, I've been trying to set healthier boundries with stuff like this, instead of fighting about it. You misbehave? I go away!

penguin44

penguin44 said:

Yep. My mom us like this too. God forbid we go see DH's family for a holiday. My mom's parents aren't getting any younger. We need to see them at every possible moment...

Funny story. FI's family knows by now how nuts my family is. I texted his mom to ask about Thanksgiving plans and told her that whichever day she wants to celebrate it on, FI and I will be there no matter what since my mom got us on Thanksgiving day two years in a row (so we had to celebrate with his family a day or two later, no big deal, but I just wanted his mom to know that she's important too). 

His mom replied with: "Doesn't matter much to me. I don't guilt-trip my kids into seeing me." As soon as I saw the text I just started cracking up. She is a straight-shooting, down-to-earth, awesome lady, and I am SO lucky she's my FMIL! 

My mom doesn't understand why we have to see his family at all. We should obviously see my parents at thanksgiving AND Christmas if we really loved them. Of course our families are 9 hours apart and both 5 hours from us. Inconvenient.

I drove through a snow storm one year to make it to my parents on time for Christmas morning brunch. My mom didn't bat an eye at the fact that I was putting my life in danger just to eat some eggs with grandma.

levioosa

My Mom is great at playing the martyr.  It drives me crazy.

"It's not like anything will change anyways..."

Stop it.  Just.  Stop.  

I just ignore the guilt trips now.  They're frustrating and eye roll worthy, but I try to just change the subject. I do snap back and call her out on it when she occasionally hits a nerve, and she always seems so surprised.  Clearly I am the one being too sensitive and immature.  

l9i

novella1186 said:

penguin44 said:

Yep. My mom us like this too. God forbid we go see DH's family for a holiday. My mom's parents aren't getting any younger. We need to see them at every possible moment...

Funny story. FI's family knows by now how nuts my family is. I texted his mom to ask about Thanksgiving plans and told her that whichever day she wants to celebrate it on, FI and I will be there no matter what since my mom got us on Thanksgiving day two years in a row (so we had to celebrate with his family a day or two later, no big deal, but I just wanted his mom to know that she's important too). 

His mom replied with: "Doesn't matter much to me. I don't guilt-trip my kids into seeing me." As soon as I saw the text I just started cracking up. She is a straight-shooting, down-to-earth, awesome lady, and I am SO lucky she's my FMIL! 

Your life seriously sounds like my life.  My family is crazy pants.  ILs are well aware and are amazing, they sound just like yours and have done similar things, particularly around the holidays!  I get it girl!

blabla89

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through all this. FI's family does this sometimes and it's really frustrating.

Maybe this is a good time to start setting some mental boundaries for yourself, like telling yourself, "No, I will not be made to feel guilty about this." Remember that you are responsible for your actions, but you are not responsible for your mom's reaction. If your mom tries to guilt you about something, don't engage with it.

wandajune6

My mom rarely gives guilt trips but, when she does, I usually suggest that she's sounding like her mother. That puts an end to it.

My sister tries to make me feel guilty about things constantly. That annoys me.

lovegood90

Ugh that really sucks! I feel you on the constant guilt trips from mothers. I've found just calmly stating facts WITHOUT apologizing really helps. I used to apologize a lot "sorry but (reason)" and recently I've been like, wait what am I sorry for? I'm not doing anything wrong.

Example on a much smaller scale: My mom's birthday was recently, and I live around a 5-6 hr drive away from her. I usually call her on her birthday and send a gift in the mail. On her birthday I texted her first thing in the morning and told her I'd call her later to chat (I was out doing errands), and she was fine with that.

Then later in the day something happened and I had to go to the ER (nothing serious), but still didn't want to call her while waiting in the hospital obviously. I texted her and said I'd call her the next day explaining why. Well work got crazy the next day and so I ended up calling her the day after. And holy moly you would not believe the droning on about how "I really would have loved to hear from you on my actual birthday....it would have been nice to hear from you then, we never talk.." and on and on with the guilting. I just said "I was in the hospital on your birthday and then was busy with my job. I already told you this. Let's talk about something else."

Seriously, just start using factual language to let them know you won't tolerate the guilting! I hope things get better! Do you think you'll see your crazy sister at Christmas?

mikenberger

Ugh. I totally understand. My mom lives in Florida, I'm in the midwest. SHE moved herself to Florida because she wanted to. I see her 1-2x a year. So when I recently went to Arizona for a week "Well, you could've come here. It's just as warm. I've been asking you to come to Florida to see your family and you went to Arizona instead. I see where I land on your list of priorities."

Mother. Can it.

beethery

I'm pretty sure FMIL thinks I just appeared on her doorstep one day and started dating FI right then and there. She basically forgets that I have a family that I'd like to see, and when we do try to make our exit it gets dragged out sooooooooooooo long.

I hate that shit. LEMME LEAVE AND SEE MY FAM DAMMIT.

loveislouder

Omg tell me about it. My ex's mom used to start crying everytime anyone tried to do anything different than her. She went as far as making everyone go to family counselling, and when the counsellor told her it was her fault, she left crying because the "counsellor was an idiot."  She constantly posts statuses on facebook about how her kids never call her on Sunday and how disrespectful it is.

moutonrouge

My stepmom can do a serious guilt trip. Classic example: the year I graduated and got a job, my mom moved to the other side of the country (previously they lived in the same town). I was deciding how to spend winter holidays. Dad's family always does Christmas closer to New Year's. So I decided to do Christmas day with mom, and post-Christmas with dad's family. I told my parents this, and my stepmom said, "But Christmas is our holiday." Yes, in your custody agreement, you did get me on Christmas. 8 freaking years ago when I was still a minor. That agreement was not a binding contract for all time. We followed it for a long time, because it made sense when I was home over winter break anyway. But now it doesn't make sense. 

raissyrais

Yeo all mums do that I'm guessing. Mine is subtle, it's like an art when she does it. But I can tell.

esstee33

Ugh, sorry she's being a pain in the ass again! 

My dad was doing this shit to me the other day, too. Basically everyone in my family that I still speak to thinks I'm overreacting about the issues with my mom and sister, but they've learned by now not to say that to me, or I'll stop talking to them, also. I've adopted zero tolerance towards this issue, because it's not worth it to have people like that in my life, family or not. Anyway, I live about 8  blocks away from my dad, so I have all my packages sent to his house, then go pick them up. I have to track them to know when to go get them, because he can't be bothered to call me, either. So the other day, I had some packages to pick up and my sister happened to be there when I stopped by. Awkward. as. fuck. I stayed for a few minutes to visit with my nephew, when my dad took it upon himself to introduce me to my sister. Like, "S, have you met my other daughter, K?" 

It was SO passive aggressive and I'm SO pissed about it. He was like "this is practice for my funeral!" I'm not sure why he thinks his funeral will make my sister's behavior OK, but yeah, sure, dad. Whatever. 

LakeR2014

wandajune6 said:

My mom rarely gives guilt trips but, when she does, I usually suggest that she's sounding like her mother. That puts an end to it.

My sister tries to make me feel guilty about things constantly. That annoys me.

@Wandajune6  I did this once.  Once.  My father saw it - it was not good, I will never do that again.

To be fair, my mom's mom is the biggest b*tch in the world, especially to her own daughter, so I deserved the chat from him. 

novella1186

esstee33 said:

Ugh, sorry she's being a pain in the ass again! 

My dad was doing this shit to me the other day, too. Basically everyone in my family that I still speak to thinks I'm overreacting about the issues with my mom and sister, but they've learned by now not to say that to me, or I'll stop talking to them, also. I've adopted zero tolerance towards this issue, because it's not worth it to have people like that in my life, family or not. Anyway, I live about 8  blocks away from my dad, so I have all my packages sent to his house, then go pick them up. I have to track them to know when to go get them, because he can't be bothered to call me, either. So the other day, I had some packages to pick up and my sister happened to be there when I stopped by. Awkward. as. fuck. I stayed for a few minutes to visit with my nephew, when my dad took it upon himself to introduce me to my sister. Like, "S, have you met my other daughter, K?" 

It was SO passive aggressive and I'm SO pissed about it. He was like "this is practice for my funeral!" I'm not sure why he thinks his funeral will make my sister's behavior OK, but yeah, sure, dad. Whatever. 

Ugh. That just flat-out sucks. Way to make an awkward situation way worse, dad. 

novella1186

lovegood90 said:

Ugh that really sucks! I feel you on the constant guilt trips from mothers. I've found just calmly stating facts WITHOUT apologizing really helps. I used to apologize a lot "sorry but (reason)" and recently I've been like, wait what am I sorry for? I'm not doing anything wrong.

Example on a much smaller scale: My mom's birthday was recently, and I live around a 5-6 hr drive away from her. I usually call her on her birthday and send a gift in the mail. On her birthday I texted her first thing in the morning and told her I'd call her later to chat (I was out doing errands), and she was fine with that.

Then later in the day something happened and I had to go to the ER (nothing serious), but still didn't want to call her while waiting in the hospital obviously. I texted her and said I'd call her the next day explaining why. Well work got crazy the next day and so I ended up calling her the day after. And holy moly you would not believe the droning on about how "I really would have loved to hear from you on my actual birthday....it would have been nice to hear from you then, we never talk.." and on and on with the guilting. I just said "I was in the hospital on your birthday and then was busy with my job. I already told you this. Let's talk about something else."

Seriously, just start using factual language to let them know you won't tolerate the guilting! I hope things get better! Do you think you'll see your crazy sister at Christmas?

Oh man that would make me mad if I were in the ER and still got guilt tripped for not calling! Come on! 

Funny thing is, FI took me to my hometown for my birthday last weekend cuz he had a whole surprise party thing set up for me (yay, so fun!). Since we have our dogs, we decided to just stay the night at my parents' house so that we didn't have to drive a couple hours home after the party, and so that our dogs wouldn't be alone. Well, we get to my parents' house (they knew weeks in advance that we were coming) and SURPRISE! My sister is there. 

I felt really awkward cuz after I apologized to her, I never heard a word from her, and she was in the family room at the back of their house, so I stayed in the living room. She didn't even acknowledge that I was there. FI said when I went upstairs to put my stuff in my old room, she walked right past him and literally would not even look at him. So he said hi to her to try and break the ice, but she didn't say anything. Now what did HE do?! Brat. 

I'm pretty sure we will be seeing each other again for Thanksgiving and most likely Christmas so I can't wait for those awkward silent encounters also. 

lovegood90

novella1186 said:

lovegood90 said:

Ugh that really sucks! I feel you on the constant guilt trips from mothers. I've found just calmly stating facts WITHOUT apologizing really helps. I used to apologize a lot "sorry but (reason)" and recently I've been like, wait what am I sorry for? I'm not doing anything wrong.

Example on a much smaller scale: My mom's birthday was recently, and I live around a 5-6 hr drive away from her. I usually call her on her birthday and send a gift in the mail. On her birthday I texted her first thing in the morning and told her I'd call her later to chat (I was out doing errands), and she was fine with that.

Then later in the day something happened and I had to go to the ER (nothing serious), but still didn't want to call her while waiting in the hospital obviously. I texted her and said I'd call her the next day explaining why. Well work got crazy the next day and so I ended up calling her the day after. And holy moly you would not believe the droning on about how "I really would have loved to hear from you on my actual birthday....it would have been nice to hear from you then, we never talk.." and on and on with the guilting. I just said "I was in the hospital on your birthday and then was busy with my job. I already told you this. Let's talk about something else."

Seriously, just start using factual language to let them know you won't tolerate the guilting! I hope things get better! Do you think you'll see your crazy sister at Christmas?

Oh man that would make me mad if I were in the ER and still got guilt tripped for not calling! Come on! 

Funny thing is, FI took me to my hometown for my birthday last weekend cuz he had a whole surprise party thing set up for me (yay, so fun!). Since we have our dogs, we decided to just stay the night at my parents' house so that we didn't have to drive a couple hours home after the party, and so that our dogs wouldn't be alone. Well, we get to my parents' house (they knew weeks in advance that we were coming) and SURPRISE! My sister is there. 

I felt really awkward cuz after I apologized to her, I never heard a word from her, and she was in the family room at the back of their house, so I stayed in the living room. She didn't even acknowledge that I was there. FI said when I went upstairs to put my stuff in my old room, she walked right past him and literally would not even look at him. So he said hi to her to try and break the ice, but she didn't say anything. Now what did HE do?! Brat. 

I'm pretty sure we will be seeing each other again for Thanksgiving and most likely Christmas so I can't wait for those awkward silent encounters also. 

Oh wow! That sounds SO painful! Awkward silent family encounters I think are a thing that everyone experiences at least once.

Actually, I think I'm up for one with MY crazy sister this holiday. She was moved into my old apartment (bc I moved in with my BF), that I shared with 2 roommates who I got along with great. She knew beforehand that having her boyfriend over all the time would not fly with my roommates as we've experienced tons of that crap with a former roommate.

Well lo and behold, her BF is over all the time, the other roommates don't like it, they don't get along, she moves out, and now gets mad at ME for not telling her about my "crazy roommates," hasn't spoken to me in over a month. It'll be a good Christmas!!