Last Christmas with my Family and w/o FI - Bittersweet

dcbride86

FI and I decided not to holidays together until we get married because our families live too far away to do both in 1 day.  This is FI's last Thanksgiving with his family and my last Christmas with mine (my mom is Jewish and I was raised Jewish, so I pretty easily lost Christmas).  I'm SO excited to celebrate Christmas with my fiance and his family.  They're amazing and they've treated me like family since day 1.  But ... I've done Christmas with my dad's family in the midwest since I was a baby.  That's just Christmas to me.

Also, because I recently started my job, I can't really use any leave because I'm saving it for the wedding and honeymoon.  So I'm flying to Chicago after work on the 23rd and coming back first thing on the 26th (and driving straight to work).  I'm just sad that my last Christmas with my family is such a quick trip.

Did you guys give up Christmas with your family to be with your SO?  How was it? 

Fran1985

We've done separate holidays too for the same reason- so this year will be our first one negotiating the holiday season together and he has two families (divorced and remarried parents). First off, I think its way too early to say its your last Christmas with your family! It makes sense that because your Jewish his family gets preference for next year and maybe the next couple, but I don't think you guys should make such a hard and fast rule- you never know what circumstances could be that might change- maybe his family wants to go on a Christmas vacation one year or someone in your family or hometown has a baby you want to see. I think you should talk to your FI about more flexibility it might make you feel like this is less final.

There is something about marriage that truly makes it feel like you are "leaving the nest" Even though I've been independent for so long I would still come back for holidays and sleep over at my parents house too- I know the bittersweet feeling a bit! But your family is getting bigger, not smaller

dcbride86

@Fran1985 - we definitely have some flexibility.  We've discussed how we might do Thanksgiving with his family, Christmas with mine, or do some holidays separate at some point depending on the circumstance.  I just meant that this is the last Christmas with my family for the foreseeable future.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.  I know my family is getting bigger, there's just something a bit sad about it.  And I know FI is sad about this being the last Thanksgiving wit his family (for the foreseeable future).  He went out there yesterday and is working from his parents house today so he could get some extra family time in.  I love him for how much he loves his family.

loro929

We alternate holidays. For instance, if we do Easter at my parents house, we´ll do Christmas at his parents house and vice-versa. Then the next year we´ll switch it up and do Christmas at my parents and Easter at his. 

Things like Thanksgiving are not really an issue because we live far from both parents houses (and both parents live far from each other) so we do more of a Friendsgiving. 

lacqueredlover

My FI and I are switching off holidays.  We are Jewish so Christmas isn't an issue but we will spend the December holidays going away with my family because every summer we go away with his.  Thanksgivings we will switch years with families, years we have his kids we will go to his family and years we don't we will go to mine (this is the first year we are spending it together and it's with my family.)  for Jewish holidays that have 2 nights, we do one night with his and one with mine!

emmaaa

FI and I have been very fortunate that our family's holiday times don't overlap too much and since we grew up just 5 miles apart, our families are close. We did have to decided where we will be Christmas morning and not stay quite as long at certain places.

climbingsingle

All of H's family live in Florida now. He never traveled down there for the holidays, and mostly just spent it with extended cousins or friends. So, thankfully, my plans don't really change much. I'm lucky! 

flyingfoxes

FI is Army, so he's spent plenty of holidays away from his family.  Thanksgiving is NBD, we'll host this year and have my family up.  We will go down the weekend before Christmas to see his family, and then we'll spend some time on the actual day with my family.  I think his family is just happy that they get to actually see him and the kids around the holidays now (they live 5 hours away, so not too terrible) since we're in the same state. It's hard to find time to see everybody, especially if you have to travel far away to see your loved ones. 

duhitsd

Our families are not close together. My family is about 45 minutes while is FI's is about 5 hours. With the weather in December, we always spend Christmas with my family. We try to get out to see his family around Thanksgiving, this year we went early. Good thing we did, the weather looks horrid between our house and FI's family. We usually go out to see his family at Easter as well. One thing we will never do again is try to see both families Thanksgiving weekend. Too much stress trying to see everyone.

holyguacamole79

My first holiday season with H, we spent Thanksgiving with my family (his parents joined us) and Christmas Eve with his.  It was the first time in my life that I woke up on Christmas morning in an empty house (we were at my house, and it was just the two of us).  Somewhere in my heart, I still expected there to be something magically left in my stocking.  

Last year was my first Thanksgiving without my family.  Again, it was surreal.  My mom sent a small potted plant to let us know that she was still "there".  After the dinner, it somehow came up in discussion that we were going to spend Christmas Eve with my family.  H's brother said passive-aggressively "but we ALWAYS have Christmas Eve at my parents' house."  To which I replied "Until this year, I ALWAYS had Thanksgiving at my parents' house."  That shut him up.

It's an adjustment.  

lacqueredlover

@dcbride86 why can't you guys switch off Christmas time every other year?  Like one year do thanksgiving with your family and christmas with his, and the next do thanksgiving with his and christmas with yours?

holyguacamole79

lacqueredlover said:

@dcbride86 why can't you guys switch off Christmas time every other year?  Like one year do thanksgiving with your family and christmas with his, and the next do thanksgiving with his and christmas with yours?

yeah!  This is precisely what we do, and what my sister & her husband does.

Simky906

I've done Thanksgiving with friends for years due to my retail schedule and my family being 7 hours away. I will get Christmas with my family as DH is Jewish. However, we're going on our honeymoon for our first married Christmas. I'm super excited but also just a teeny bit sad that I won't be with my family then.

theartistformerlyknownas

I wouldn't look at it as a hard and fast rule either... just because you can't hit both in ONE DAY doesn't mean you can't celebrate everything with everyone! We're having Thanksgiving dinner with his family on Thursday and Brunchgiving with my family on Sunday... Christmas Eve with his step-dad's family, Christmas Day on our own, the 26th with his mom's family, 27th with mine. Lots of ways to work things out. The "day of" is just a day; to me, the day we're with family is the reason to celebrate, no matter what the calendar says.

cupcait927

It's definitely an adjustment but the plus side is that you have all this new family to celebrate with.

I still feel guilt about how the holidays are split up. I have very little family - just my parents (who are divorced), my sister and my nephew (who has to share him with his dad), and my grandparents who are in a nursing home two hours away. H on the other hand has a HUGE family on his dad's side and they have traditions for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. So we end up with his family most of the time, because my family doesn't do much. This year we're doing brunch with my dad, sister and nephew and then going to H's aunt's house. Then Saturday my MIL is doing thanksgiving for HER family and my dad will come over (since he has no family and won't have turkey dinner tomorrow). Christmas Eve we alternate every year between families and this year we'll go back to H's aunt's house again and then do Christmas morning with my dad if my nephew goes over. Then we'll spend the rest of the day with my inlaws.

dcbride86

holyguacamole79 said:

lacqueredlover said:

@dcbride86 why can't you guys switch off Christmas time every other year?  Like one year do thanksgiving with your family and christmas with his, and the next do thanksgiving with his and christmas with yours?

yeah!  This is precisely what we do, and what my sister & her husband does.

Well, I was raised Jewish and Christmas is a really big deal to his family.  They go to church together on Christmas morning (or maybe Christmas Eve) and have a big family dinner.  I love seeing my family on Christmas, but it isn't the same kind of big deal that it is to him.  So it kind of makes sense to do Christmas with his.  We also do Easter with his, but Passover with mine.  Good thing the Last Supper was a Passover seder - they're never at the same time!

holyguacamole79

dcbride86 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

lacqueredlover said:

@dcbride86 why can't you guys switch off Christmas time every other year?  Like one year do thanksgiving with your family and christmas with his, and the next do thanksgiving with his and christmas with yours?

yeah!  This is precisely what we do, and what my sister & her husband does.

Well, I was raised Jewish and Christmas is a really big deal to his family.  They go to church together on Christmas morning (or maybe Christmas Eve) and have a big family dinner.  I love seeing my family on Christmas, but it isn't the same kind of big deal that it is to him.  So it kind of makes sense to do Christmas with his.  We also do Easter with his, but Passover with mine.  Good thing the Last Supper was a Passover seder - they're never at the same time!

I remember a few years ago Good Friday & Passover were either the same day, or pretty darn close.

dcbride86

holyguacamole79 said:

dcbride86 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

lacqueredlover said:

@dcbride86 why can't you guys switch off Christmas time every other year?  Like one year do thanksgiving with your family and christmas with his, and the next do thanksgiving with his and christmas with yours?

yeah!  This is precisely what we do, and what my sister & her husband does.

Well, I was raised Jewish and Christmas is a really big deal to his family.  They go to church together on Christmas morning (or maybe Christmas Eve) and have a big family dinner.  I love seeing my family on Christmas, but it isn't the same kind of big deal that it is to him.  So it kind of makes sense to do Christmas with his.  We also do Easter with his, but Passover with mine.  Good thing the Last Supper was a Passover seder - they're never at the same time!

I remember a few years ago Good Friday & Passover were either the same day, or pretty darn close.

@holyguacamole79 - if Passover and Easter/Good Friday happened to fall on the same day, we would probably just do those holidays separate.  Although it also depends on what night of Passover the holiday falls on.  We only do seders the 1st 2 days, so after that I would go with him and celebrate with his family

Couggal12

We sorta alternate holidays and have always found a way to spend each holiday with each other even before we were married. Our families live about 20 minutes apart though so that's made it easy to find time to spend with each of our families on the same day. 

holyguacamole79

@dcbride86 - I don't think your Jewish roots necessarily makes Christmas with your family any less important than Christmas with his.  If you want to be able to spend next Christmas with your family, I think you & your FI should be able to work on an arrangement where you can alternate years.  I don't think his family's religiousness should necessarily trump your desire to be with your family.

I mean, my husband's family doesn't go to Christmas Mass and my family would never miss it ... but that doesn't make his family's Christmastime celebrations any less special.

[Deleted User]

Easy for me to figure out; I live in IL, so does Fiance's parents; my parents and brother live in Arizona.  So, unless we make a special trip out there for a holiday, our "default" is my in-laws house.  And I love them and have a great time there, so I'm all good with that.

SmileDamnit

I havne't lived in the same state as my Mom & StepDad for over 15 years and I hate, hate, HATE traveling on the holidays so spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with them is few and far between. DH's mom and aunts lives here (Dad has passed) so it makes it easy to see her, though this year we've decided we won't be going anywhere on Christmas, rather anyone is welcome to come to us if they'd like. 

I've loved not having to be pulled in a bunch of different directions, though I know that'll change as soon as the Bean arrives. Better enjoy the calm while it lasts!

fwtx5815

My fiancé moved to Texas for work and since he has no relatives here, he's spent every holiday with my family since we started dating (5 years).

My parents are taking everyone to the Cowboys game tomorrow so we'll be boozing it up a jerry world and then we'll do a big dinner on Friday. We're flying up to his hometown next weekend with my parents to see another NFL game and we'll get to see his family for a bit and our moms will get to meet. He's so excited to show me around the area he grew up, it's so cute.

But this time next year we'll be buying a house so we're very much looking forward to starting our own holiday traditions.

dcbride86

holyguacamole79 said:

@dcbride86 - I don't think your Jewish roots necessarily makes Christmas with your family any less important than Christmas with his.  If you want to be able to spend next Christmas with your family, I think you & your FI should be able to work on an arrangement where you can alternate years.  I don't think his family's religiousness should necessarily trump your desire to be with your family.

I mean, my husband's family doesn't go to Christmas Mass and my family would never miss it ... but that doesn't make his family's Christmastime celebrations any less special.

@HolyGuacamole79 - my Jewish roots may not necessarily make Christmas less special to me, but it's extra special to him.  Not just because he's Christian.  It just is.  His family is very tight-knit and I simply can't imagine how sad he would be if he didn't get to see all of his neices and nephews on Christmas.  He would 10x rather not see them on Thanksgiving.

Plus, for me Christmas involves a flight and hotel, because we see my dad's midwestern family.  His family is just a drive away.  Logistically, it certainly makes more sense to go to his for Christmas and mine for Thanksgiving (my parents live only 15 minutes from our condo).  I'm just sad about it the way people are sad when a tradition ends.

teddygirl9

Luckily both of our families live in the same city. So we usually do my family in the early afternoon, and his in the evening. His family was a bit bitchy about us not being there for the WHOLE thing, but I think they realize we have to share now. Its kind of funny, because his family is muslim, and doesnt technically celebrate xmas, they just love having a big party and hosting everyone.

holyguacamole79

dcbride86 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

@dcbride86 - I don't think your Jewish roots necessarily makes Christmas with your family any less important than Christmas with his.  If you want to be able to spend next Christmas with your family, I think you & your FI should be able to work on an arrangement where you can alternate years.  I don't think his family's religiousness should necessarily trump your desire to be with your family.

I mean, my husband's family doesn't go to Christmas Mass and my family would never miss it ... but that doesn't make his family's Christmastime celebrations any less special.

@HolyGuacamole79 - my Jewish roots may not necessarily make Christmas less special to me, but it's extra special to him.  Not just because he's Christian.  It just is.  His family is very tight-knit and I simply can't imagine how sad he would be if he didn't get to see all of his neices and nephews on Christmas.  He would 10x rather not see them on Thanksgiving.

Plus, for me Christmas involves a flight and hotel, because we see my dad's midwestern family.  His family is just a drive away.  Logistically, it certainly makes more sense to go to his for Christmas and mine for Thanksgiving (my parents live only 15 minutes from our condo).  I'm just sad about it the way people are sad when a tradition ends.

Ah, that makes more sense.  My parents are a 3.5 hour drive away, and H's family all lives here in Houston, so both families are relatively accessible.

afox007

I kind of lucked out I get all the holidays. FI is an only child, FSS is practically an only child since his sister doesn't live with us so they both hate the idea of going to FPIL's and having it just be us and them. FI loves the chaos of my big ass, bat shit crazy family and prefers to go over to my mom's for holidays.  

His mom and step dad aren't totally left out, since Christmas Day is also his birthday and my family has not once done shit on Christmas, we always celebrate Christmas Eve, I have an open invitation to everyone to come by on Christmas Day.

peachy13

Last year was the first year we split up the holidays. Thanksgiving at my mom's and Christmas at his dad's. It's the fairest way and both families understand that times are changing, and I'm sure your families understand too. Chances are, your parents and married relatives had to start doing this at one point in their lives too.

That being said, it's totally bittersweet doing the last holidays with just your family by yourself. I remember two years ago sleeping in the same room as my younger sisters at my mom's house on Christmas eve and thinking to myself it was going to be the last time I did that. It was sad, but then last year when I was at my house with my FI, it was a whole new feeling as we were starting to share a new tradition with each other.

abbyj700

While DH and I will be spending our first holiday season as husband and wife - this is our third year of holidays to juggle. With 5-1/2 hours between my family and where we (and his family) live - we can't do them all in one day. The first two years we spent Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his as he had his daughter for Christmas. This year we will be spending Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with mine. We really play by ear what is going on with our families and our work and decide which family gets what holiday this year. We hope to switch every other year but that isn't always the best decision.

I am a little bummed for Thanksgiving tomorrow but that's just because my MIL is annoying me. I always bring something to a party. When I offer - they usually tell me what they're making and then make suggestions or say "anything but these 5 sides." This year I pretty much got told that there isn't a single thing they aren't cooking. Well...great. I'll make whatever I feel like making...

ShellD13

I gave up all holidays with my family when things got serious with FI (now H).  He has two children from his previous marriage and the 50/50 custody agreement alternates which of them has the kids in the morning for EVERY holiday but also calls for them to pick up/drop off the kids with the other parent at either 2 or 3 in the afternoon.  So driving 3 hours each way and asking my parents to turn their holiday schedule upside down so that we could attend doesn't seem fair to them.  We also learned our lesson early - he asked his ex if she would keep the kids an extra couple of hours so that we could eat dinner at my parents at 1pm (their normal meal time) and get back to pick the kids up by 5 and she refused.  We will never ask again.

OTOH, I come from a large family (6 kids) so holiday meals are really chaotic.  There are generally 30 - 35 people to feed.  H is one of two children and his sister lives several states away so rarely comes home for the holidays.  It is kind of nice to be able to have a smaller more intimate holiday meal where you can actually hold a conversation and not spend 2 - 3 hours doing dishes afterwards.  We'll have to see what happens after the kids graduate from high school and are no longer bound by the CO as they both enjoy going to my parent's house for visits so we might be able to pick up again in a few years.

Aray82

Since we live far away from both families and we have time off from teaching/school to travel, we alternate every year. Last year we did a week for Christmas with my family and a week for New Year's with his, so we're reversing it this year. This will be my first Christmas ever without my family and while I'm thrilled to celebrate with DH and have our first Christmas as husband and wife...yeah, I'm a little sad that our families don't live closer and we can't see both on Christmas.