Going to therapy

theycallmelinz

So FI and I are going to therapy. I'm still figuring out which therapist seems to be the best for us and is the most affordable, but we're doing this. Annnnd I'm really nervous/scared. There's things I know we need to work on like FI's anger and how we handle disagreements, but we also need to work through other issues which are completely my fault. I've done things I'm not proud of, and FI knows about them, but I don't feel like we are going to be able to 100% move past it until we work through it with a professional. I'm not sure when we are starting, it'll either be one day next week or the week after Christmas, but I'd appreciate your thoughts. 

I'm really glad that FI is 100% on board with this, but I'm also scared because being a therapist myself I know that you can't go into therapy expecting a particular result. I'm worried that if we go to therapy FI is going to learn things about me and not want to be with me anymore. I'm not hiding anything, I just know that sometimes things come out in therapy such as thoughts or feelings that can really hurt the other person. I know we need/have to do this, but I'm scared. 

flutteringinfl

*Hugs* You can do this. Most couples/people don't even get to the point where they seek out treatment.

But remember, it's not just important to seek therapy. It's important to find a therapist that works for you. Don't be afraid to seek out someone new if this person isn't working out. You'll know in your gut if they're right for you and if their advice is sound. But a good therapist will help you get to the right place, even if that place is a little scary.

theycallmelinz

Thank you so much @flutteringinftmyers

I really appreciate the kind words

novella1186

I think therapy is great, and you're taking steps in the right direction to do what's best for your relationship so congrats on that! I was super nervous when I went too, but just being able to talk things out obviously helps a ton. 

I've only been going for a few weeks so far but I really love it. Sometimes the therapist asks me questions like "Do you think you reacted that way because of x?" Or "What do you expect moving forward?" Pretty simple questions, but stuff I had never thought of before. And then thinking about it makes everything much clearer. 

I bet having questions like that posed to your FI and you will open up new channels of communication between you guys and maybe give you both a better understanding of each other. Don't be scared! Good luck  

larrygaga

I just would like to agree that I'm a therapist and nothing terrifies me more than going to a therapist. Good luck dude

theycallmelinz

I think this calls for more details, because I love you all and want your opinions/advice/cussing me out if necessary.

The reason I'm so nervous is because of what we have to talk about. According to mine and FI's agreement/understanding, I was unfaithful. I cheated. Back in August, I went out of town for a friend's wedding. I got super drunk the night before (this is NO excuse, I'm just giving you the details) and I started texting this guy I used to date. The guy and I weren't serious, we only dated for a few weeks back when I was in college, and the texts weren't necessarily inappropriate but they were definitely flirty (as much as I can remember though the drunk fog). Mid-way through the conversation, clarity arrived and I thought WTF ARE YOU DOING?! I knew I'd be crushed if FI was talking to some other girl like that, so I ended the conversation with the guy, then blocked and deleted his number. I wasn't going to tell FI but I'd known what I was doing was wrong and I didn't want to hurt him, but he found out about it. He happened to be using our computer at the time of the conversation and my iMessages were popping up. We had a monstrous fight about it, basically with me sobbing and apologizing and telling him I would leave if he wanted me to, but the fight ended and we kind of swept it under the rug. We got into an argument recently and I realized that FI isn't over this. I don't blame him, I betrayed him. And while no, I didn't do anything physical with this guy, I knew what I was doing would hurt FI if he found out and FI and I made an agreement back when we first started seeing each other on what our boundaries and definitions of cheating were. So to us, I did cheat on him. And now his fears are what would have happened if that guy had been in the same town as me? How can FI trust me again to be away from him? All of these are valid concerns, of course. 

So this is why I'm scared of therapy. I know we HAVE to do this to work through this, but I don't want to rehash it again because I don't want to hurt FI anymore. I'm scared that maybe I really did ruin us and that therapy is going to prove that

lacqueredlover

Are you in individual therapy as well?  Because some of this, like why you were reaching out to the other guy to begin with, might be stuff you need to work through on your own before bringing it to your FI.

theycallmelinz

lacqueredlover said:

Are you in individual therapy as well?  Because some of this, like why you were reaching out to the other guy to begin with, might be stuff you need to work through on your own before bringing it to your FI.

I completely agree, but no I'm not in therapy on my own. My insurance doesn't cover it at all, and it's too expensive to pay out of pocket. The only reason FI and I can afford to go together is because FI's insurance does cover it with a small co-pay.

carrie0924

I think it is fantastic you guys are going to therapy. I could see where some might interpret this kind of flirting as "cheating of the heart/mind" versus physical cheating. It says a lot that, even drunk, you stopped yourself at some point and realized it would be hurtful.
Different relationships have different definitions of cheating, and it's good you guys have set the boundaries/definitions so you are on the same page. Therapy will be good and will hopefully help you guys work past this.

blabla89

The rehashing part may be hard, but the therapist's goal will be to help you both move forward from it. Don't worry. You will feel so much better afterward, knowing that the issue has been worked through and properly put to rest, than you would if it just stayed there under the rug and could come back up again at any time.

lurkergirl

theycallmelinz said:

lacqueredlover said:

Are you in individual therapy as well?  Because some of this, like why you were reaching out to the other guy to begin with, might be stuff you need to work through on your own before bringing it to your FI.

I completely agree, but no I'm not in therapy on my own. My insurance doesn't cover it at all, and it's too expensive to pay out of pocket. The only reason FI and I can afford to go together is because FI's insurance does cover it with a small co-pay.

How fucked up is it that a therapist's insurance doesn't cover therapy? 

I have no good advice, but HUGS and kudos to you for taking care of yourself and your relationship!

phira

It'll be okay!!

In therapy, J and I definitely admitted some things that were really hard to admit and made us feel like bad people. In particular, we both found that we were really unable to empathize with each other when we're angry. As two people who are really, really empathetic people, and who pride ourselves on having so much empathy, we did not see that coming.

What I mean is that our therapist would ask J, "How do you think phira felt during that conversation?" and he couldn't answer the question. He kept saying, "Well, I know she was upset about what I did, but it's just not fair that she gets upset about that." And when the therapist asked me a similar question a few sessions later, I kept saying, "I don't know, but it's really annoying when he does that!"

J also tends to get really, really viscerally ill when I'm upset with him. His OCD means that frequently, he can't stop himself from obsessing over the thought that I'm so upset with him that I'm going to leave him, and he'll actually end up throwing up because he's so upset. He obviously can't control that, but when it happens, I actually get angry and irritated with him. Admitting that in therapy was unbelievably difficult, and it made me feel like a terrible person. It also really hurt J to know that when he was so miserable and terrified that I was going to leave him, I'm angry with him on top of everything else because he's miserable and terrified.

We still have more work to do (we've taken a few months off for the wedding and dealing with the end of the semester), but if anything, just recognizing the issues has really helped. And knowing that we're going to have to tell our therapist stuff that happens means that we both try so much harder to empathize with each other, and to work harder to end fights.

JaniV123

Therapy is really a really good thing. It actually shows a lot of commitment and love in order to accept and reach out to get help. 

It can actually be super helpful for every aspect of your relationship. 

It can be scary, but it is usually truly worth it if it saves and mends your relationship. 

sophhabobopha

Good for you guys for getting into therepy.

Hugs and GL!