Hello all! I've been engaged for a few months now, and have been rather enjoying these boards. I finally made an account because I need some outside perspective on wedding things, and ya'll are awesome.
Right now the trouble I'm having is in deciding my bridesmaids, or rather, should I ask my sister or not? I've seen many posts about asking who you love, there's no duties, don't expect them to change, etc. etc., but I'm still having trouble. I plan on asking my 3 best friends, my little sister, and FI's niece. My little brother will also be a groomsman.
I'm going to give some background on my older sister and our relationship. I used to hate her, passionately. She was terrible all throughout our teenage years and most of my time in college. See, she was a druggie (mostly just pot and alcohol) and did petty things when she was younger, spent a good deal of time as a run away/ in rehab/ on house arrest. We had many physical fights, and she stole A LOT from me, as well as our family. I actually had a deadbolt on my bedroom door. The door also has some knife marks and a hole where she punched it, just to give you an idea of her behavior.
She wound up on heroin right after she gave birth to her first daughter. My mom took custody of her for quite a while. Sis went to jail and rehab for a long time (for drugs and other charges). When she got out, she seemed pretty good. She got a job, and an apartment, got custody back of my niece (willingly given, not court-ordered), and had another little girl. Things were great! Even our relationship was great. If I had been engaged last fall, I would have asked her to be a bridesmaid. That's how far she had come and how much our relationship had mended.
About this time last year, I found out she was using heroin again. She had been clean for over 3 years. I was devastated. She "detoxed" at home. I do not believe that she actually got completely clean. She was also diagnosed with hepatitis b, which is terrible. I am afraid for her, and for my nieces, and I do not trust her at all anymore. I am also not supposed to know any of this, but my mom needed someone to confide in. I do not know how to help my sister (I know it's not all about the wedding, and her health is more important. She did not want the family to know, and I just don't know what to do or if I can do anything for her without sending her into a rage at our mom and not confiding her problems in mom anymore, or keeping her kids away from the family where we can help them if something happens). Our relationship has severely cooled off (I don't know what she thinks the reason for this is), with us talking at family functions and a couple other occasions, though I remain very close to her kids.
So here comes this past fall, in which my sister and I got engaged a week apart (no hurt feelings on her part thank goodness since she was first). FI and I are getting married first, again no hurt feelings on her part. I told my mom I was unsure of her as a bridesmaid, and mom said do what you want. Same with FI. Neither of them have any advice, unfortunately. Little sister (my lovely 15 year old sister) said "Don't fucking ask her!" Apparently my grandfather said I'm obligated to ask her (thanks mom for telling him my dilemma, then sharing his opinions with me), but I know it's not about obligations.
I know this is super long, sorry everyone. I just don't know what to do. I don't know which sister I'm going to have on the wedding day: happy, healthy sister that I can talk to and am friends with, or the strung-out-on-heroin terrible girl that I hate. And I'm worried one day in the future I'm going to regret not having her stand with me, or on my wedding day I'm going to be so stressed that she's high.
Another thing: I would really like to ask her daughters to be flower girls. I'm prepared for her to not want her kids to be in the wedding, but I would be sad. Also, sis has been asking questions like "Have you chosen your bridal party?" and "What am I going to wear to your wedding?" I feel like I responded tactfully to both questions, with a "No, still figuring things out, bean dip anyone?" and "I don't even know what I'm going to wear to my wedding yet!" She hasn't pushed, but I feel like she might straight up ask me soon. If I choose not to ask her, and then she asks, how in the world do I tell her why?
TL;DR Sister used to be a heroin addict, got help, got better and we had a great relationship. Started doing drugs again, "got help," relationship not there so much right now. It might get better, it might get worse. To bridesmaid or not to bridesmaid?