Chit Chat

Bridesmaid dilemma

Hello all! I've been engaged for a few months now, and have been rather enjoying these boards. I finally made an account because I need some outside perspective on wedding things, and ya'll are awesome.

Right now the trouble I'm having is in deciding my bridesmaids, or rather, should I ask my sister or not? I've seen many posts about asking who you love, there's no duties, don't expect them to change, etc. etc., but I'm still having trouble. I plan on asking my 3 best friends, my little sister, and FI's niece. My little brother will also be a groomsman.

I'm going to give some background on my older sister and our relationship. I used to hate her, passionately. She was terrible all throughout our teenage years and most of my time in college. See, she was a druggie (mostly just pot and alcohol) and did petty things when she was younger, spent a good deal of time as a run away/ in rehab/ on house arrest. We had many physical fights, and she stole A LOT from me, as well as our family. I actually had a deadbolt on my bedroom door. The door also has some knife marks and a hole where she punched it, just to give you an idea of her behavior.

She wound up on heroin right after she gave birth to her first daughter. My mom took custody of her for quite a while. Sis went to jail and rehab for a long time (for drugs and other charges). When she got out, she seemed pretty good. She got a job, and an apartment, got custody back of my niece (willingly given, not court-ordered), and had another little girl. Things were great! Even our relationship was great. If I had been engaged last fall, I would have asked her to be a bridesmaid. That's how far she had come and how much our relationship had mended. 

About this time last year, I found out she was using heroin again. She had been clean for over 3 years. I was devastated. She "detoxed" at home. I do not believe that she actually got completely clean. She was also diagnosed with hepatitis b, which is terrible. I am afraid for her, and for my nieces, and I do not trust her at all anymore. I am also not supposed to know any of this, but my mom needed someone to confide in. I do not know how to help my sister (I know it's not all about the wedding, and her health is more important. She did not want the family to know, and I just don't know what to do or if I can do anything for her without sending her into a rage at our mom and not confiding her problems in mom anymore, or keeping her kids away from the family where we can help them if something happens). Our relationship has severely cooled off (I don't know what she thinks the reason for this is), with us talking at family functions and a couple other occasions, though I remain very close to her kids.

So here comes this past fall, in which my sister and I got engaged a week apart (no hurt feelings on her part thank goodness since she was first). FI and I are getting married first, again no hurt feelings on her part. I told my mom I was unsure of her as a bridesmaid, and mom said do what you want. Same with FI. Neither of them have any advice, unfortunately. Little sister (my lovely 15 year old sister) said "Don't fucking ask her!" Apparently my grandfather said I'm obligated to ask her (thanks mom for telling him my dilemma, then sharing his opinions with me), but I know it's not about obligations.

I know this is super long, sorry everyone. I just don't know what to do. I don't know which sister I'm going to have on the wedding day: happy, healthy sister that I can talk to and am friends with, or the strung-out-on-heroin terrible girl that I hate. And I'm worried one day in the future I'm going to regret not having her stand with me, or on my wedding day I'm going to be so stressed that she's high.

Another thing: I would really like to ask her daughters to be flower girls. I'm prepared for her to not want her kids to be in the wedding, but I would be sad. Also, sis has been asking questions like "Have you chosen your bridal party?" and "What am I going to wear to your wedding?" I feel like I responded tactfully to both questions, with a "No, still figuring things out, bean dip anyone?" and "I don't even know what I'm going to wear to my wedding yet!" She hasn't pushed, but I feel like she might straight up ask me soon. If I choose not to ask her, and then she asks, how in the world do I tell her why?

TL;DR Sister used to be a heroin addict, got help, got better and we had a great relationship. Started doing drugs again, "got help," relationship not there so much right now. It might get better, it might get worse. To bridesmaid or not to bridesmaid?

Re: Bridesmaid dilemma

  • First off, I'm sorry you are going through this. It is a tough one. How far out is your wedding? Sorry if I missed it.

     

    If it is more than 6 months out, I would hold off on asking her. Things will probably continue to change (better or worse) and you have time to think about it. If things are better, ask her. If you are less than 6 months, I highly recommend asking yourself if you want her to be a bridesmaid. What do you want? It doesn't matter what anyone else (including your little sister or grandfather) think. This decision is 100% up to you.

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  • @sarawifenow I'm right at 10 months. I kind of wanted to ask my girls around the same time to avoid her looking like an after thought. I was thinking of asking them within the next month or so.

    I just don't know what I want exactly. I mean, she kind of was an after thought when I thought of the girls I'm closest to and love the most. And when I thought about her and my heart sunk because I know when she's sober she's such a good person and I would have included her in that list at one point, but I'm so afraid of her hurting me again (and herself). I also don't want to hurt her.

    I am leaning more towards no right now though.
  • I'm not a fan of my brother. No major reason like drugs, theft, fights or anything like that.  I just do not like him.   So I didn't ask him to be in the wedding, even though ever other siblings on both sides were in the wedding.  I did ask his kids.    I was in his wedding though.  

       I have another brother I do like and asked him to be in my wedding.  I was not asked to be in his wedding when my other siblings were.  NDB.






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  • I don't have any advice--this is a tough one. But I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what you and your sister are going through.
  • This is a tough situation to be in. I understand how difficult it is to have a close family member with an addiction and I also understand you not wanting to hurt her feelings.

    If you aren't close to a person, you don't need to ask them, even if they are family. As you already know from lurking, you cannot "demote" or ask a member of the wedding party to step down. If your gut feeling is telling you no, listen to it. It will be way worse if you ask then regret your decision later. Also if you want her children to be a part of the wedding party, and think that not asking her as well will cause issues, avoid asking.

    If you're still concerned about hurting her feelings, maybe you could hold off on asking the other bridesmaids until you're 100% sure...Again, it's just another option to think about.

    Ultimately, it's up to you. You aren't obligated to provide an explanation of your decision to anyone else and if they disagree? Tough shit for them.

  • How is your relationship with her now? Does she show a genuine desire to repair the relationship?

    I think at the end of the day, the big question you have to ask yourslef is ... Do you want her by your side on your wedding day?  

    Personally, I would ask her (if it were me).  My sister and I have had our ups and downs over the years, and I know there are times in my life where I would have not asked her to be in my wedding.  She was my MOH and things are going well for us.  It sounds like a repaired relationship is possible, which is hopeful.

    Good luck!
  • I would continue to wait to ask any of them. There's no rush. You could ask them 2 months out and tell them all to just buy a dress "________ color."

    If you feel the need to ask them sooner than later, I wouldn't include her. IF you think you might want to, then just hold off until you are certain.
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  • If she's asking things like what she's going to wear, and if you've chosen your bridal party yet, then it sounds like she definitely wants to be in your WP. Since you still have a good amount of time, I would hold off on asking. See how your relationship continue. Does it get better or worse? If you do decide to ask her, ask the others around the same time. If you ask her last because you were still undecided, she may get upset.

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  • Man, what a sucky situation. I can relate though. My brother has struggled with addiction for a long time.

    I also think you should wait a few months to see how things go. I wish I had better advice. I can really see both sides.
  • I am so sorry that you have to deal with this.

    Only you know your sister, so only you can judge whether she's really trying to get her act together or not. I went through this with a cousin, and she's been clean for like 8 years now and I am super proud of her, but I did not ask her to be in or even at my wedding.

    You don't need to ask your bridal party yet. I would wait and see how things are going. If she presses, just say "I'm really not sure what I'm doing yet. I love you, and I don't want you to feel excluded. I just haven't asked anyone yet."
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  • Keep bean dipping her and wait to ask people to be in the bridal party.

    In the meantime, you'd only be asking her out of obligation, which isn't a good enough reason for you in this situation.
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  • I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I agree with PPs, you should wait a couple months or so before you ask anyone to be in your WP. If you aren't 100% sure you should ask her, then don't. Wait and see how things go with your relationship. If a few months go by and you never get to the point where you're totally certain about asking her, I wouldn't. If she demands to know why, all you have to say is that you love her but you don't feel as close to her as you used to be, and would love to work on that. (I know it's best to just bean dip and not give reasons, but in some situations it seems like bean dipping ceases to be an option at a certain point).

    She can still be involved with the wedding and still do wedding stuff with you (if she wants to) and still be a part of everything without being a bridesmaid. It's not like the be all, end all of everything.

    However-- if things go in the right direction and you do end up asking her, don't worry about her behavior. (Way easier said than done, I know). Your family knows what's going on and it sounds like they support you and her, and want what's best, so they can keep an eye on her and make sure she's ok. I'm sure she's excited for you to get married, and I'm sure she just wants to be there for you and be included, so there's a good chance she'll act like the version of herself you love and things will turn out just fine, ya know what I mean?
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